Thanks for the hugs Helen. *cuddles Helen back*

I got through another night and now I'm asking myself why. I wish I could have woken up and found that all of this now is finished. But I guess I'm not that lucky. Meh.

*hugs all those that can accept hugs then finds a coca-cola machine to curl up next to*

every day is a victory. Everyday is somthing we have won. Everything we do is an achivment. We are alive. Every breath is one to be charishied.

I speek not of just ones like us but all people, we can die at anytime yet we don't accept the gifts we have, but that is what makes us human and should not in itself be frowend upon.

um hello please can i stay a while again..

I know its just a message board, I know its me typing on a laptop..
but right now.. i really need *Somewhere* where i don't have to be ok, and can just fall apart in a corner somewhere. Even if that place doesnt really exist, i just.. yeh.

Hugs to all who need or want them.

*hugs everyone*

Having a tough night but some very interesting conversations.

Not looking forward to tomorrow....

Urgh, I've got the flu. All blocked up and having coughing fits, feeling really run down and lethargic. But I've been told if I take much more time off college I will be kicked off the course, so no time off for me xxx

I don't think I can do this.
It's like a second & third test now of my strength.
Well guess what?
I aint hurting.
I just can't deal with it still.
****ing hell.
*cries*

*cuddles helen*

Hang in there hon..u can survive it :-) i have faith in u xx

*cuddles Helen and zowie*

I haven't really got any words of wisdom .... I just completely and totally feel like crap. I really want to hurt myself and the urge to do something dangerous is getting stronger by the day. The worst thing is that I just don't know why. Maybe it's stress from moving house, maybe it's the feelings I'm getting regarding returning to university next year, maybe it's forgetting to take my mood-stabiliser for a couple of weeks .... maybe it's all these things and more. Like the fact that it's coming up to the worst time of the year.

*leaves cuddles for everyone and then hides under a bed crying*

*hugs everyone*

*sigh* I woke up feeling indescribably crap. The weather doesn't help I guess, but... I don't know why. Beginning to think I should ask Barbara if I can see her once a week rather than once a fortnight, because I seem to feel vaguely ok for a week after I've seen her and then after that it all seems to go back to how it was before. I dunno.

*leaves more hugs and hides away in a corner*

*cuddles everyone*

I have nothing.
She's just going to die isn't she?
Great :(

You don't know anything yet Hells. All you can do is hope and pray that she manages to pull through and is ok *hugs*

*squishes Hanna* I'm sorry you woke up feeling crappy hun. I think asking Barbara to see you once a week is a good idea. Please let me know if I can do anything to help. I am sort of home now, so am around the area etc or my PM box/msn is also always open if you want to talk.

*hugs Kahlia*

1ofmany? Marie Anne? Amanda? How are you all doing now? *hugs*

------------------------

I went clothes shopping today for an outfit for work christmas do and nothing looked right. I weighed myself when I got home and since I have stopped purging etc two years ago I have put on nearly THREE stone from my lowest! It was never a huge problem, the purging etc, ate too much, purged or didn't eat to make up for it but it was never a full blown ED. I knew I had put on weight but this is ridiculous!!!! I don't want to go out. I have to start throwing up again. I CANT stay like this. I just CANT. I need to lose the weight, I HAVE to :( I will just do it until I am happy with how I look again.

Emma : that's a slippery slope darl, as we both know. Thank you for the hugs by the way.

*leaves hugs for everyone*

*hugs for all*

haven't checked in for a couple of days, meds making me feel a bit numb just now, I am going through the motions of life but with no care about anything.

Eventually had the 'back to work' interview today, all the questions about why I was off and will it cause me to be off again and can they help, my Bradford factor (measure of sick time) is high so my record is being referred to HR, the HR woman is horrible, poo.

SI has calmed down over past few days, work Christmas lunch on Friday and aware arms might be seen has kept me in check.

xx

*shrugs* No good reason Amanda, none at all. I just feel **** for no good f**king reason at all so what the hell am I complaining about?! Oh, sorry, that was not at you (well, the no good reason part was but not the yelling, the yelling was for me).

*bangs head against the wall*

I love you all.

She's likely not to survive.
But she's trying to.
Bless her.

I just feel so damm useless which is making me feel even more shittier.

*goes to the centre of the room and leaves a bag of assorted hugs for all requirements, free to all who want them, and then goes back to her corner*

*leaves hugs for everyone then disappears into the smoking shelter*

-----
I'm sliding down a slippery slope and I don't know if I have the energy required to fight. Meh.

No ****ing blade. Pissed (alcohol) but have nothing to cut with. I HAVE TO. Half tempted to drive drunk back to Warwick JUST so I have something to cut with, so I can DO proper damage, like I deserve. I don't know what to do with myself now. I need it but I have nothing to cut with which will satisfy this urge. I will end up with stitches on thursday. But the thoughts aren't going. I have plans, bad plans for christmas eve, but I need to do them to get through Christmas. I need to ****ING cut, *screams*, what the **** do I do instead???!!!1????? If I dont cut tonight, it will be horrific tomorrow. It HAS to be done.

*Hugs Emma* What have you done since you posted?

Kept having coughing fits in class yesterday so I had to leave. Didn't go in today which was stupid, but I get phobic of social situations without being stared at for coughing, so I just couldn't do it.

I had a meeting with the clinical psychologist, my social worker and my care co ordinator. They have come to the agreement that I will no longer (starting January) be seeing the psychologist or social worker (both from EIP). This is because they have decided my psychosis is not my 'primary' problem, but my Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is. I will still see my care co cordinator and psychiatrist.
They are enroling me on a course that helps people with personality disorders called Stepps. I have to be assessed before I can begin, so it's not a definate.
I feel okay. I'm glad I finally have a proper diagnosis. And in the meeting I got angry and started saying they are dissmissing the psychosis and they reassured me and said that they don't believe life will get better if we tackle the psychosis, they believe that if I overcome the PD then I will be able to overcome the psychosis and life will become easier.
It makes sense so I'm happy with it.

*hugs everyone who will accept one*

Zowie - glad you have got some sort of positive care plan in place.

Feeling pretty s*** today, want to cry but I know it won't stop if I start and it won't do me any good.

*joins Khalia in the smoking shelter*