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Pomegranate 06-12-2008 08:40 AM

*hugs Kahlia, Mary Anne and Black Rose (Andrea maybe?)*

*hugs Helen* hope you are feeling better now hun.

How are you all doing now?

I am working today (back home for christmas). And freaking out about it. This will be the longest I have been out for for weeks, and it is around children (I work with children, so happy happy happy) and our work Christmas weekend, i.e fancy dress, a santas grotto etc. I am really worried the costumes will look ridiculous (cos of wearing sleeves underneath), or not fit or something. I don't think I can do this. :crying: :crying:

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 09:04 AM

*hugs Emma, Mary Anne and Black Rose*


I'm feeling really bad again. I want to cut. I got through some of the urges a bit earlier by drawing on the places where I wanted to cut .... but only managed to draw on the back on my L hand when I wanted to injure myself pretty much everywhere. And I've now made 103 days SI free.

I'm so sick of living especially in this oppresive heat and humidity. I've had enough. I wish I could just get out. I hate having these thoughts and feelings as a constant companion ..... not being able to get away from them. The thoughts are getting oppressive. I want to get out. I just want all the pain and crap to stop.

And my ED thoughts are starting to return. I'm slipping into behaviours that I thought I was long since done with. I don't really want to return down that road, admittedly I do need to lose weight, and a serious amount of it, but I don't think that is the best way to go about it. Actually that I guess depends on what point it is that you ask me and how my mind is working.



*hugs everyone and apologises for such a long post*

Pomegranate 06-12-2008 09:10 AM

I understand about the ED thing. I have never had an ED, but I probably came close when I was younger and used to make myself sick. I think you know deep down that the route is not worth getting involved in. Please tell your team about this, they may be able to offer help and advice, or a nutrition plan if you want to lose weight healthily. Congratulations on 103 days SI free :D. It's hard but in time it will get easier, please keep fighting it x

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 09:21 AM

Emma you are quite right. I know that it isn't a route I really want to head down, but I keep giving in to the behaviours without actually realising I have done it. When I do get to the point where I "come back" to my brain having control I feel awful about what I have done. I really only have my pdoc .... I see him again on the 16th. Maybe I should tell him when I see him then ... or send him an email before then to let him know. I'm trying to deal with all these thoughts on my own and just am not managing. Not at present anyway. *sigh*

Pomegranate 06-12-2008 09:23 AM

I think emailing him before hand is a good idea because then you can be really honest without having to say it to his face. Also it may give him time to come up with some ideas to help you deal with it. You can learn to cope with the thoughts hun, you just need some help, and a little extra push from people now and again.

Kahlia1981 06-12-2008 11:07 AM

Emma, I agree with you. Thanks. Now I'm just a little scared about letting my pdoc know. But I'll get over it.

MammaMia 06-12-2008 02:15 PM

*cuddles Kahlia & Emma*

You know the whole story is pretty pathetic...so Kahlia, if you want to know, I'll pm you?

Mary Anne 06-12-2008 05:48 PM

*hugs Kahlia, Helen, Black Rose, Pomegranate & anyone else who wants one*

A truly upsetting day, our wedding gifts were delivered today (despite wedding being in Augsut), horrible opening then alone, I just put them all back in the box and shoved it in the spare room.

Kahlia, I was into ED territory recently when I was home all the time, getting back into the world has helped get me back on track (not back to normal but a lot better), hope you feel better soon, 103 days - well done. Come stay here for a bit, it has not got above freezing all day.

Helen, hope you are doing okay.


ravynsoul 06-12-2008 05:56 PM

*enters and looks arounds* hello, I haven't been in here before... but I heard it's a safe place...

ravynsoul 06-12-2008 05:57 PM

Hi Mary Anne, I am sorry that you had such an upsetting day! **hugs (if you'd like them)**

MammaMia 06-12-2008 07:17 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Sometimes I wonder just HOW are you supossed to express bad emotions in a HEALTHY way with people, without them shooting you down for it?

Mary Anne 06-12-2008 09:32 PM

Hi ravysoul *hugs back*

Helen - that is a question I too would like to know the answer too.


1ofmany 06-12-2008 09:51 PM

Totaly. *sigh* most people just dont wanna hear it.

ravynsoul 06-12-2008 09:56 PM

I agree.. and then they get mad at you for not expressing emotions honestly... it doesn't seem fair. At least on here, we have a way...

Louise 06-12-2008 09:59 PM

yeah i have had that quiet a lot, recently people not wanting to hear what you have to say. offers hugs to everyone

1ofmany 06-12-2008 09:59 PM

yeh you cant talk about whats wrong or seem distressed but you cant lie and pretend to be happy, either way its wrong and you end up on the bad side.

ravynsoul 06-12-2008 10:02 PM

it doesn't seem right... I know I try so hard to make it seem like everything is all ok with me... because I don't want to seem to be a burden to anyone else, and I'm scared people would avoid me then... but then i'm not totally being myself, because I'm pretending.. it seems like a lose-lose situation...
*takes the offered hugs* thanks

Kahlia1981 07-12-2008 02:58 AM


Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 1267116)
*cuddles everyone*

Sometimes I wonder just HOW are you supossed to express bad emotions in a HEALTHY way with people, without them shooting you down for it?

Helen, I ask myself that question on a regular basis. . . . Still haven't come up with an answer however.

MammaMia 07-12-2008 03:48 AM

It's okay.
Stef is alive.

Snuffles 07-12-2008 04:18 AM

I ask myself that question as well..
Countless times I tell people whats wrong, how I'm feeling.. then they run away from me coz they don't know how to deal with it.. then when they find out I'm hiding it from they get the shits! And they wonder why I don't tell them??? For gods sake people! GRRRRR

Not in a good moood.. sorry people. *cuddles everyone*

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