*hugs Matt*

Despite my anxiety I managed to go out today. It wasn't for long but I still managed to. Now I have to get through tomorrow as well, because I have to go to another city and sign the lease for my uni flat. I'm terrified.

It doesn't help matters that my flatmate is being horrid about the new flat, my body and our friends.

I'm in here for a long while

Please make it stop. I want to give up so much right now. So, here I am again :(

Please make this mental pain stop

Please make this horribleness go away and leave me alone checks in here for a while

*hugs skinnylove*

I dont know why i feel so afraid and scared... its like i sense something is going to happen that is bad... but ofc to me. cant figure it out and its ripping me apart and shoving my paranoia level through the roof with the Voices screaming...

*hides in the corner of the room and rocks back and forth softly*

My GP has told on me to crisis team so I might have to start seeing a psych again and a cpn nurse :/

Hugs to you

ugh, I know most of you guys won't know me, but I used to be a regular in here. Having a 'minor blip' right now with urges to harm. Been near on 5 years, and I really don't want to let myself down, but I don't know what else to do?

Checks back in

This is endless I self harmed again :/

I went to the beach today and it was kind of terrifying because I felt so negative.

*hugs all in here and places some goodies and juice on the table*

I am tired of all this crap... its so damn unfair... I give up trying to fix myself

i havent self harmed for some months now and i feel like im becoming a ghost chasing a dream of what i was not. my eyes feel like they are not sleeping yet always awake. i have never fealt more that i needed to scream than this. everything i feel and want to think to give me joy or happiness decays and my head grows stronger for imaginating dreams my ghost keeps chasing. i think i finally know what having no friends feel like. its empty i want to fill it with something nice i can view from a distance and realise that its actually empty and smile about it. everybody is trying to brainwash me with simple words just to tilt me in theyr supposedly right direction for my own life choices wich i refuse. and i have had a feeling for so long now that i believe that the meds im takin gives me the illness everyone says i have or had for a long time before they started me on meds wich i didnt. i felt normal before i gathered into psychiatrics care again. i was normal and i want to run away with a scissor and i want to cut off my hand with it behind a tree in the midst of the darkest night with the twisted image of a higher presence trying to talk me out of it using high pitched swooshing sound in the wind. no one hears me no one talks to me. ever since i started medisine everyone's hope of me taking care of myself without anyones help is a shot in the dark. since no one has been there for me talking me out of my mind. where was anyone when i had illusions in my mind, where was help when i scurried as a confused little child onto my room and started tearing up my flesh. they all just laughed and thought i'd had fallen down from a tree. i wasnt accusing myself of falling off a tree and making a 20cm long scratch on my left underarm. they just assumed it was therefor. guess im just lonely. so afk. this side medicine isnt of use to me anymore. since i know the psychosis of the whole treatment it doesnt flinch me for 1 second anymore. it gives me psychoactive trauma and makes me easy influential from other people for brainwashing. thats how exposed i am. and nobody couldnt give a **** about me anyway. its a open door here as im listening to evanescence breathing time as we know it of as air. ;(

long story short. the dude that gave me medicine induced a psychosis on me making me believe i cant die a meaningfull death if that should occur. but here i am smoking the **** out of my lungs making me into a position thinking i need to get cancer to die a meaningfull death if i do someday.

i had no problems after i stopped drugs before i was given medicine. the nerve on some doctors is insane ;( didnt even give me an evaluation.

No matter what happens I always end up back here, things are falling apart all over again and I can't cope

Checks in for another few days its gonna be a long road

Me & my doona will be in the corner if anyone needs me...

Yeah... this is really going to be a problem week... and my journal writing isn't helping at all when I am debating myself... bad bad bad... make it go away, make it all stop

Checking in

switching off the brain full of suicide plans, dates and details would be a lovely idea but at this point there is no such hard reset except the final one