oooh i want my tongue pierced cooooool
go brave Alyssa!
wahoooooo Alexx for finishing the essay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!


i'm moving back into the Denial Tent
the real world is scary
i think i kind of forgot that when i came back from Spain the world was still going on and that i actually still had to sort out my life
ew ew ew ew i can't though
i dont have a job and i am running out of money and i dont know what i want to do and i didnt do well enough on the GREs to get into grad school so i cant do psychology without grad school so my BA is useless and i am really afraid that i am too crazy to work anyway i mean what if people find out and i get fired and how do i work and i dont have any plan and i think i have been waiting and pretending these last 6 months and nothing has happened i dont have any job or any plan i am a drain on society and a completely useless person
so i am moving into the Denial Tent and i will be a hermit
that is an acceptable life choice i mean every area needs a resident crazy person living in a tent in the woods i can do that and i won't need a job or money because i will eat berries and leaves like the bears
and i could live on a campground that has showers and running water because some of them have that
this could really work i think
wow i feel so much better

okay i am going shopping and to get a pedicure now :)

*takes some tea for the road*

*hugs youuu*
orrr..rather than living in the nasty cold....
you could come live with me :P

you could be my personall........HUG GIVER :D
and I'd pay you and everything ^_^
and feed you and...
let you have lots of hot baths and showers...
and it'd be cool :)

*hugs Callie and Alexx*

Callie, you can come out here... I'm supposed to graduate and since I didn't have my act together to take the GRE I'll have a useless psychology degree as well!! We can be useless together :Gasp:... Sad, isn't it? I've got nothing to do after this, don't know where I'm gonna live (REALLY don't want to go home), or what I'm gonna do :crying:... Oh, this isn't working, just depressing me more/again...

*hugs all*

*hugs everyone*

I'm sorry, I have no words right now. I was about to write that I can't cope, but I realised I can. I just don't want to. I can't do more than cope and I do not want to live my life, just 'getting by', feeling this way and when I'm not, dreading it yet needing it at the same time. I just can't ever see things being any different.

*sigh....goes and buries self in a pile of cushions and hides under duvet*

omgosh my stupid hermit-in-the-woods plan was crap wasnt it
it wont work at all
i think a weird part of me was actually believing that and i just went off shopping and had a pedicure and was like dazed this afternoon and didnt worry about a thing because i was convinced i was going to be a camper in the woods like that guy in that movie that was just out
i think i really believed that
i am so insane

Alyssa i will come live with you and we will be useless together and we will spend our useless time being Alexx's hug-givers
is that a good plan? is that an okay plan? honestly i can't tell when i think something that makes sense and when i dont
i dont make sense anymore my brain makes no sense
how the hell did i get in this situation where i have NOTHING and no plan and am just useless? where did i go wrong?

*squishes Emma* i am so like utterly hopeless right now but i think i am supposed to say that things can change if we want them to and if we try and if not then we can be hopeless forever and you will always not be alone because we are right there with you
i hope that wasn't more depressing
here have a virtual lolipop

can the Denial Tent please be real and can i please live there forever?
*tidies up Denial Tent and goes to campfire to make smores with peanut butter because for some reason i want to eat my entire tub of peanut butter right now i must need protein what is that thing anemia? maybe i'm anemic*

*squishes Emma and Callie and Ally*

I have nothing more at the moment...but Im sending you all lots of love and nice thoughts.
Itll be ok
xxxxxxx

I wish the denial tent was real....
I often sit (or stand) outside or in college with my eyes screwed shut going "im in the denial tent im in the denial tent im in the denial tent"
*sigh*
Im doing it now...and im sat in my room

Hospital appointment tomorrow...
im scareddddddd
hide me?

can i just dissapear???????? had to see occupational health yesterday so they could say if i was fit to do this uni course, they are a bit (ok very ) anxious about it but he cant exactly say no now that i've started. hes going to write to my community team though and find out whats going on, get an update sort of thing. i made out i was fien n stuff not sure how much he saw thorugh it. but my CPN rang me today and i broke down on the phone 2 her. she wants me to go up and see her tomorrow after uni :( :crying:

OMGOSH ALEXX I DO THAT TOO
i am so glad i am not the only one
like when i was in Spain and when i am driving and all the time if i feel upset or something i just like get in this daze and it is all bearable because i tell myself over and over "it isn't real i'm in the denial tent it isn't real i'm in the denial tent" and i swear it keeps me alive hahahahaha
so tomorrow you will be brave and go to your hosp appt and it will all be okay because you are really in the Denial Tent and i will make you smores

Katey-lou you can come be safe with us here in the Denial Tent don't worry
and i am sorry you are stressed out about that stuff
maybe it is a good idea to not pretend to be okay and let them really know how you are so they can help you? you don't sound good and you don't sound happy and you deserve help and they can help you if they know the truth

can I come and sit in the denial tent? seriously want to cut. can't cut. fail medical if cut. urges so so bad. how is everyone?

*hugs Katey-Lou* I agree with Callie hun, If you're honest, they can help you, and until then, you can stay here with us :)

eek....I'll be brave...I'll be brave....
*shakes her head*

Hey Hana, hope you're ok...
keep fighting it hun because you're doing really well so far!!
*hugs you*

thankoyu, i know i should, my CN is new havent had her long so she doesnt know me that well. but i can talk 2 her so i am going to. its just so many people dont think i can do this course that i'll drop out n stuff but i really want to do it. i dont want to let things get in the way. i knew starting it wouldnt b e miracle cure or n e thing but i wanted to try and show people 'hey look see i can do it!' except its not working. am not sleeping my eatings out the window(even more than it normally is with the ED) and am having major urges to hurt myself and i'm just stressed i dont want to fight them but i kno i have to wich makes me feel so much worse because nothing is helping it!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Callie, you're right I guess you are supposed to say that but it's kind of nice that you sort of admitted it is not true too. Nice not to be patronised for once.

Alexx, Callie is right, the denial tent is amazingly elastic...we will sit over in the corner with you the whole time. Make sure you update us as soon as you can afterwards in case we can't hear everything.

Katey- Lou, *hugs* would it be so bad to admit to them that you are struggling and maybe take some time off or something? Hope it goes ok with your CPN tomorrow.

-----------

Can I join the hopeless thing Callie mentioned? Can we have a club with badges or something? I don't have the energy to try so it seems resigning myself to hopelessness is the most sensible thing to do right now. *sits and rocks sucking purple virtual lollipop*

^^^^ what Alexx said x

Good Luck tomorrow Katey Lou *offers more hugs*

Emma...I always fail stuff so I'll make badges...except...it'll be everyone ELSE who is hopeless and fails...not us :]

and I'll update you tomorrow...god I wish you guys really COULD be there with me :crying: im scared...

I was debating not coming home before....just....getting out of hospital and disappearing...

thankoyu guys. i somehow dont think shed belive me if i told her i wasnt sturggling wen i see her tomorrow. shes really nice though so should be ok. i only properly started last week so it is a bit stressful. i knew it was going to be hard. will see what happens to morrow. thankyou. i should realy go and try and sleep (or at least rest)

*hugs everyone* take care everyone and thankoyu. might try and stay and sleep here in the denial tent

Ok hun. Try get some rest and you might feel better in the morning :]
Hope it goes well...
make sure you pop back and update us all?
we'll be thinking of you

N'night
xxx

i will do, have to go to uni first so will be sat thereas best as i can. its really weird because theres 3 member of staff (support worker) from the psych unit thats been near enough my home for the last 2 n a bit years, also doing the course. they ok though spoke to me sed high n stuff its just slightly weird.

rihgt am off xxx take care eevryone xxxx