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MammaMia 08-04-2009 03:52 AM

So am I honey, but it's for their own good usually...

It is really difficult, because there's some stuff bothering that only a VERY small number know, because for once, it's not something I'm able to be open about. I bet they are getting sent bad vibes indeed. It's just werid how everything's fallen apart and I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. But as we've said, their loss. Thanks, it is very difficult, and it was difficult enough when I was questionning the relationship. We broke up about a week & a half ago. Still feels like yesterday. He hurt me badly all of last week. I'm losing everyone slowly and I don't like it.

I think my Mum knows something is seriously up. Okay, she knows it is, because she saw a cut. It's sorta cute, she keeps telling me she loves me and giving me longer hugs than usual etc. I seriously need to tell her stuff. I'm going to miss her SO much when I move out in a few months time. Maybe I shouldn't go?? Decisions decisions decisions.

My head hurts again :(

Sorry for my major whining...

[Fog] 08-04-2009 04:06 AM

Lol don't worry, normally I'm the one whining on this site :) So whine all you like!

Sounds like a horrible situation for you. I had a similar thing this year, my best friend and housemate went all weird with me and now doesn't speak to me, it's been really terrible, and I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what it is that I've done wrong. It's not nice. Really sorry to hear about your ex. It's really hard when people go out of your life. Obviously I don't know any details but hopefully it was the right decision and you're just missing having a someone if you see what I mean.

Urgh yeah I'm in exactly the same situation. My mum knows me really well and I'm pretty sure she knows somethings wrong. She hasn't seen any of my scars but well mum's tend to pick things up I suppose. I really want to tell her and have some support but I'm scared. I don't wanna worry her, plus I'm not great at being articulate and I don't want to mess it up. Do you want to tell yours? That's really sweet how she's being! Shows she'd probably be really nice about it if you told her :) Are you moving out for uni or something? I have my year abroad starting in 3 months and I'm so scared about being away from my family.

xx

MammaMia 08-04-2009 04:20 AM

Thank you. I whine far too much. I'm glad I have my rant/venting thread. Just released some emotions in there, is helping really.

It is a horrible situation, because of other factors too and my ex boyfriend is a huge factor in this unfortnately. I'm sorry your best friend and housemate doesn't talk to you anymore or anything. I know how you feel about it being so terrible, espically when you haven't done anything wrong as far as you can see. It is hard, and what makes it worse, is that he was the FIRST boyfriend, who, compared to the other three, actually gave a proper **** about me and didn't want to hurt me or abuse me. I hope it's the right decision, and even if we did make another go of it, I think it couldn't happen until I get pass this needing to severly desctruct/die situation. I miss having a partner so much.

I'm sorry you're in the same situation. Mum do pick up things really well even when we don't realise. Apprantly she can often tell I've had a bad day even when I've said to her I've had an okay day. Maybe speak to her and ask for support. It's what there are there for. But I know how hard it is. Maybe write her a letter? She will worry, but that's her job and she obviously cares for you. I'm sure you won't mess it up honey. My mum knows I self harm. But I'm trying to convince her I'm 10 months free and these cuts don't mean I stop counting. But we've not really dicussed it. Oh well, maybe I should talk to her. But I really want to tell her about everything, because I know she'd be glad I told her. But at the same time, there would be so many things that would hurt her for a long time because I kept it in for so long. Also I'm scared she wouldn't believe me. I am moving out for uni halls indeed. I am in my first year already but had to stay at home, because I was nowhere near ready to cope with everything. But now I know how to do things more, I should be okay with moving in September, if they let me in of course!!!! I can imagine you're scared, but we can be scared and excited together??? Where are you gong?? xxx

[Fog] 08-04-2009 04:30 AM

Yeah I love my ranting thread, I read it back and sound like a total psycho but it really helps to just offload somewhere.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and your ex. It all sounds really painful for you. I hope things get better for you. When me and my ex broke up the hardest thing was getting used to not being half of a unit. I've been with my current bf for over 3 years and he's lovely, but I feel so bad for being such a f**k up... It's not fair on him really.

Good advice about the mum situation. I really do want to tell her, I'm just so worried about it. I think a letter is a really good idea because that way I don't have to panic about getting all my words jumbled. Think I might give her a letter but sit with her when she's there or something. Urgh it's just so hard, I don't want to ruin things. It's being going on for a long time and I should have told her ages ago.

Are you still cutting now then? It might help you to talk things through with your mum. Always good to have some support from someone close to you :) We really need to take our own advice hehe! Yeah I found it hard last year, I'm in 2nd year now but everything gets so overwhelming for me sometimes. It's nice having the safety of my parents house but then I like the independence of my uni house... Yep scared and excited together sounds good hehe!! I'm going to Frankfurt at the end of June, luckily my boyfriend's coming too so that's a big relief, but I've got a job there and I'm scared it's going to be too much for me. And then in February I'm going to Spain :D All sounds great in theory...!! xx

Long*Past 08-04-2009 04:55 AM

eh... I'm "okay" today even though I totally didn't cry in the car on the way home tonight, because my Mom is totally not disappointed in me, yet again, and the girl I'm falling in love with totally isn't oblivious and completely has the same feelings for me....

And I'm definitely not hanging in the denial tent.... ^_^

MammaMia 08-04-2009 04:57 AM

I love mine too. It's full of letters, songs, rants etc. I must sound mad at times. But it helps, really really helps.

It is very painful right now. I just wish I knew what I did so wrong? I'm sure things will eventually get better maybe. If they ever will? I know how you feel. When me and my first boyfriend (who ironically abused me the worse, but I'd repressed it by then..) split, it was really horrible and werid to be so aone even though we'd split loads before. We'd been together nearly two years, but I know where you're coming from.

I thought it was good advice, even if I do say so myself. I know you're so worried about it, as am I, that's what's holding me back. But I should just get it all out already and then it's done. They do say, the longer you leave it, the harder it is (usually used in the context of apologising though). Indeed you won't have that panic, though it'll be scary watching her read it. But you'll be glad at the end you did. I know it's so hard hun, but when you do do it, be gentle on yourself :) You won't ruin things I'm sure.

Well I'm not cutting like I was. So the cutting at the moment are just slips really. So that's why I'm still counting. Don't deserve to really. I need to figure it out for myself I suposse. I'm sure it may help to talk things through or something with my mum. It sure is always good to have some support from someone clsoe to me. Although it's hard, we really do need to take our own advice!!! Wow, I've found it seriously hard this year, hence the major failing :( Everything gets so overwhelming for me too sometimes. I think everyone goes through that, but with different varying levels of problems and stuff. What do you reckon? Maybe I'm talking crap since it's almost 4am!!! I bet it's good to have the safety of parents home (though it's only my mum there in my case) but also having your own independance. Yay, I think we could be a great support to each other. Awww I'm glad your boyfriend is coming with you, it'll help and oyu get to share the expirences together, nothing can beat that!!!! Good luck with it all, I'm sure you'll have an amazing exprience with some good days & some bad days (everyone has those, that's for sure!!!)...

[Fog] 08-04-2009 05:13 AM

Ah just had a little rant in mine.

I'm a little confused at myself right now. I'm in the middle of a big SI session, but my brain's still working pretty rationally and I'm still online typing away. I really don't get me. Think I'm gonna stop in a minute anyway. Running out of room for one thing. How pathetic lol.

I'm sure things will get better. It's just so hard to see that at the time. That's what I keep reminding myself anyway! But definitely after the split with my ex it was a really difficult time trying to work out how to be one person not two. But I got there :) How long were you with your ex?

Haha well if it's good advice then you can take it too :P Sigh, you are so right. Grr! I definitely need to tell her. Things are so out of control in my head. Normally at uni I have my boyfriend and my best mate who both know, but where I am now no one knows and I could really do with some support. It's just that horrible first moment. It's been a while since things have been awkward/ bad with my parents and I'm not looking forward to going back to being the problem child. I know I'll be glad when I do it. I just kind of wish I could fast forward the actual telling her lol.

That's good that you're not cutting as much. So I say still keep counting :D Better to treat the slips as just that and not as going backwards if you see what I mean. I'm terrible with that, I messed up the beginning of this year and since then my cutting's increased really badly. If only my mind would listen to the rational part of me...

Yeah definitely, I've found this year really hard. I've been lucky in that so far my course hasn't really demanded too much of me, and this semester I had to tell a few of my tutors an edited version of what was going on. But the last few months I've been finding it impossible to concentrate. It's just like... I used to have panic attacks all the time about money and stuff. And at the moment I just feel so overwhelmed that I just don't care. I don't have the energy to deal with anything. So at the moment I have an unbelievable amount of essays etc to do, I need to find somewhere to live in Germany, I need to sort out the mess that is my finances... But I just can't get myself to. So frustrating. But yeah basically the point of that long paragraph was yes I think everyone finds it overwhelming at times!

Yeah it's nice being back at home. Like I said it kind of makes me feel unsafe that no one here knows all of the crap. But it's good having to be normal for my brothers, it's nice having food provided for me cos normally I don't bother with food lol.

Right I've definitely finished with the SI and I'm exhausted now so I'm gonna try and get some sleep...

It's been really lovely talking to you, will message you again tomorrow :) Hope you get some sleep soon and try not to dwell on things too much. Lots of hugs xxx


[Fog] 08-04-2009 05:13 AM

Woah that was waaaay longer than I intended, I was still in Rant/ Vent mode!! Sorry!!!

Long*Past 08-04-2009 06:01 AM

*offers hugs to Banana*

[Fog] 08-04-2009 01:50 PM

*Hugs back* That post was way longer than I thought it was lol oops!!

How is everyone today?

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 01:53 PM

*hugs To Everyone*

DOnt worry about ranting cause theyre will be ba big rant of mine on soon!!

Hells can you txt me when you are on msn!!! need someone to talk to!

*runs and hides in a corner*

[Fog] 08-04-2009 01:58 PM

Rant away :) What's up sweetie?

xxx

Jetforce 08-04-2009 02:50 PM

*cuddles*

I agree..rant away

We r here to listen to u anytime! :-)

tc xx

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 04:10 PM

Where to start

My So Called friends up here have been phoning my other half telling him im cheating on him at every occasion i get!! Which is not true i wouldnt do anthing like that now he has to think to see if our relationship is worht the hard work as according to him relationships are ment to be easy not hard work!! but i just know im going to lose him if i lose him i will not survive anymore i am only free from SI because of him he is the one that keeps me going. But my so called Friends dont want to have me being happy they want me back to the depressed litttle girl with no stregnth and no happiness that they can push around and make a fool off - becasue the way i am now i wont let anyone push me arround and i dont take anything of anyone!!! I swear im going to kill them all!! If they make me lose the one thing that makes my life worth living then i will kill them!! Then i will go back to Birmingham and make him realsie that no motter what they say i will alwyas love him and make him realise that i have cut EVRYONE out of my life just for him!!! Im not even going out this friday/saturday night even though its a bassline night im staying in!!! in gonna sit at home and read a book becuase thats what good geeky girls do they dont go out and if i dont go out then no one can make up lies about me and tell them to HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why do i do this to may self why do i bother fighting for something that i know is gonna go away!! i cant lose him i really cant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My physio cleared me the other day from my Two Torn Achillies Tendon injuries which means i can play football on saturday just to find out i have a acromioclavicular injury in my shoulder (The acromioclavicular joint, or AC joint, is a joint at the top of the shoulder. It is the junction between the acromion (part of the scapula that forms the highest point of the shoulder) and the clavicle.) taken from WIKI so i cant play football on sat!!!!


I JUST WANNA CRY BUT I CANT BECAUSE I CANT LET PEOPLE DOWN


*goes back into her little corner*


MammaMia 08-04-2009 04:21 PM

They are seriously selfish twats. He cannot believe them. He has no ****ing reason to and he can't dump you for something you haven't even done. But some guys do anyway. Gosh you seriously need to be here, where you have nicer people in yor life...LIKE ME!!

[Fog] 08-04-2009 06:22 PM

*Gets up from her corner in the denial tent in outrage*

They sound like total knobs. That just makes me so angry for you! Hope he does the right thing and recognises what they say as being total crap.

Sorry to hear about your injuries. I've had chronic pain for the last three and a half years and I know how frustrating and horrible it is. Anything they can do for your shoulder and/ or any pain relief?

*Sits back down and sends lots of bad vibes*

MammaMia 08-04-2009 06:45 PM

*gives gentle cuddles to everyone*

zowie 08-04-2009 07:47 PM

I've been smoking a lot in the past week.
I thought I'd quit.
Seems not >.<

Gah. I haven't got anything to say. Would love to reply to people but I'm really spaced out at the moment.
x

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 08:15 PM

He needs to think about things i know i have lost him there is nothing i can do!!!!!!






















*runs away to a place where no one can find her*

wildly insane 08-04-2009 10:39 PM

*hugs Gil* I'm so sorry that your so called friends have done that to you and I can't even believe that he's thinking about it. I hope you've told him the truth, and if he doesn't believe you then he's as much in the wrong as they are but I'm sure that doesn't help right now *hugs again* I hope it's all okay x


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