Lia, sweetie, what happened? Please don't give up, please don't give in... things WILL get better. I'm very worried about you...

I'm sorry you were let down Lia *hugs* Don't know what else to say right now that could help. Sorry.

I hate when I get really anxious at work. It's really hard to work when you're all shaky or half of your face is that tingly numbed feeling. The main down side to working in the prosecutor's office and having front desk know how. 3 situations needing diffused in less than an hour today (this is not common by any means, just today's been a day...) and the last one was an angry guy with several assault and weapon charges. His case wasn't with our office and he simply would not take us sending his paperwork to the correct office as an answer even though we couldn't do anything. In the end we sent an attorney out to talk to him and even though the attorney has military hand to hand training we still watched him to be sure nothing happened. I prefer my cozy little office in the back where no one bugs me and I don't have to try to talk any one down from angry and psychotic to normal conversation. *hides in the back of my office to be left alone*

april: thanks. i've actually lost a substantial amount of weight that risperdal made me put on. it took away my ability to feel full and increased my appetite at the same time. it took about 5 years being off the drug - and other drugs chemically similar to it - before i could start to lose weight. and that's all biological fact not emotional suspicion. but because i was tiny before the bastard docs put me on it it is so hard. but i am trying not to give in to the urges.

lia(?) - sorry can't remember your name: thanks. i'm trying to remember that.

hannah: thank you so much. i guess it's just hard with this neighbour because she's continually on the same track. she's like a broken record. her size, the operations, the kids ... everythings a drama, and when i'm not mentally well - like at the moment - it's so easy for me to get triggered.

sorry that at the moment i can't be of support to you all. i'm hanging on to this world by my fingertips. my ed, si and suicide urges are all strong and my mood is low and it's hard just to do my adl (activities of daily living) tasks. it would be so much easier to just let go.

Should just die.
What we all want after all.
Whatever.

Guys, you didn't let me down. It's not you.

Jill, I know what you mean. I can't let people in either. As I said, I took a chance and trusted someone and it exploded in my face. Never again. The wall's back and it's stronger than ever. I was stupid to believe that lie again.

It doesn't sound stupid, I know exactly how you feel. The hospital would mean letting everyone know you weren't coping, it would be admitting weakness and leaving yourself vunerable.

xx

MammaMia, what's the matter?
xx

Why's there not a mood on this thing for 'dead inside'?

Good question Lia. I think there should be one named 'other' too.

*hugs helen* it is not what everyone wants. PM me if you want hun.

*hugs lia* don't give up on talking to people. i'm sorry you were let down.

*hugs crimson* I'm sorry you got so anxious at work today.

*hugs kahlia* Its ok that you are not supporting at the moment, we understand that. Please keep trying to hang in there.

*hugs jill* you're not stupid. I have a hard time letting people in too. A lot of the time I would rather be alone b/c I get so anxious around people.. it really sucks.

I spy april!

*hugs mark* sorry that you are feeling so low still. I wish there was something i could do to help.

My PM box is always open to anyone.

Sorry I suck at advice if there was any to give right now.

I can't sleep. Mental breakdown does that to a person.

Not sure it's a good idea I remain awake. It's been one thing after another today, if I don't just go to sleep and get this day over with, I'll probably be decapitated by a passing axe muderer or something.

*hugs lia* sorry that you are having trouble sleeping and that you've had such a bad day. Feel free to vent in here if you want. I'll be around to listen.

Hugs lia. Hmm can't sleep either it's 2am and I'm wide awake. Got way to much stuff running through my head. Getting worked up and worried about work no idea why, just don't want to go in tomorrow. Ugh!!! I'm pathetic wish I wasn't here I'm keeping going for all the wrong reasons. sorry.

It's OK. I can't talk. I only made that promise to myself a couple of hours ago. It would be a little pathetic to break it so soon. Thanks anyway :)

Hey Jill, it's 2am here as well. Actually, it's 2.15, but same difference. You're not pathetic, and wrong or not, they're still reasons to keep going. Unless it's like, 'I stay alive to continue my viscious killing spree' then I might be worried.

Thanks lia, just wish I could belive that.I don't anymore.

*hugs everyone*

left the house before and anxiety went through the roof. now dealing with it through the help of a xanax. something i didn't want to do. but what choice do i have. was panicking when i knew i had to leave. crying before i got to the bottom of the stairwell. in full floods of tears before i had reached the main road. and when i got back .... it all hit. then couldn't even sit outside for a smoke - and that was 5/10 minutes after taking the xanax. i don't deserve to live

*cuddles kahlia* anxiety is so awful. I'm sorry that it was so bad today. You most definitely deserve to live though. Anxiety is not your fault, you can't control it.

Up at 9am for me thats early . Tuesday , I have to record what I do and how happy that makes me in a % for my nurse on a Tuesday. I'm up early fo an appointment . Feel Numb , and not good numb, there are 2 types of numb 1) Stops me feeling low and anxious and 2) makes me more low , amplifies bad feelings , make sense? Well I have number 2 right now :(

Anyhoo enough whinging from me

Kahlia , Anxiety is horrid but you totally deserve to live don't tell yourself otherwise *Hugs*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Jill ( Shadowededsoul)*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs eveyone I missed* Sorry I missed you :S

An Acoustic cove of a Keane song , Listened too it and thought I'd share...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7mL_uBh4xg&feature=sub[/ame]

hugs everyone, Listened to the song it is lovely

hmm okay I know I'm taking the easy way out and not going to work, but I can physically get myself out of bed I just feel drained and very panicky and I don't know why, just that I'm it isn't helped by mum screaming at me saying there is noithing wrong. sorry being a wimp and I should get up and just go.

*hugs everyone*

Anxiety is not your fault,you do deserve to live. All of us here struggle with something and it doesn't make any of us any less of a person.

Jill, don't apoligse, you have as much right to be here as anyone else. Sometimes the easy way out is all we can face, and if you're not ready to go back to work yet then that's just fine. It's your life and your mind, you do what you're comfortable with. Try not to pay attention to you mum, although I know it's not that easy. I think she just finds it hard and doesn't know what to do, how to react. When my mum found out about my self harm, I told her it was a one off and she asked me to make a better job of it the next time so she had one less mouth to feed. It's just how parents react sometimes when they don't know what else to do. Although, my mum genuinly doesn't love me, but still.

thanks Hun, just wish I could stop thinking these things, that I just want to kill myself, stop crying and go back to being sort of happy. This isn't how it's suppost to be, I can breath being sad all the time.what happened to that happy 6 year old that was always smiling, I want that Jill back.

*Squishes Jill*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Louise* I'm glad you like the song

Squishes mark back, how's you Hun?

*hugs Jill* I feel ok , I'm not utter crap for the first time in weeks and its thrown me , I don't know what to do with myself . Anyone been down for so long they're lost without it ?? make sense?

i spy a crimson & a mark!! *glomps*

yeh, mark, i understand what you mean. :) and thanks for the comment in my lj... means a lot to me that you're reading it. *squishes*

i'm so exhausted... and it's only noon here. doing the same thing as yesterday and it's making my eyes cross... ughhh. the auditors are here too so it feels like i have to be very very quiet as i'm in the same room as they are. yuck. don't want to be here... but only one more day & then i'll be DONE!!!! :D

we're working on planning when to do what with the apartment's flea infestation. mothballs, air foggers, trip to the vet's for daniel, and then we'll be going to my parents' for a few days. that will be okay i think. i won't be able to be online as much but at least i won't have the commute to my internship place to worry about!!! :)

urghh... just want to sleep. i had a chai, hot drinks make me sleepy, so that wasn't a good idea. and screw grammar, i'm sick of being perfect with it!! :-X

feeling low and sad today... :(

sorry no individual replies really, just know i'm thinking of you all and praying for those of you who don't mind. *cuddles all who don't mind* ♥

*glomps april back*
is it friday yet?

*hugs crimson* I dont want Friday to get here, but for your sake i hope the rest of your week goes by quick.

*hugs april* yay you're almost done! Sorry about the fleas, that really sucks, but at least something is going to get done about it.

*hugs helen, mark, jill, and lia*

My sister called me this morning and sometimes she really really really pisses me off. If you don't compliment every move she makes and give the exact correct responses she is looking for she gets all cold and standoffish and then will randomly say "bye" and hang up. I'm so annoyed right now about it. But if you try to explain that she cannot react like that all the time she goes "no one ever has a kind word for me, i hate my life." Which just makes me even more angry. *sigh* sorry about the mini rant about her, she just hung up on me so im highly annoyed

*hugs Laura* I totally understand your anger.

*hugs everyone*

I can't do this any more. :(

Whats up Lindsay ? *Hug*

I Can't focus still , My day has been hectic but I say down to play WoW and I just can't focus , I REALLY hope my low mood doesen't come back to me tomorow, I 've got the feeling I,m only okay today because I S.I. so yesterday . :S

i spy a kat!! *glomps* hehe... how are you, love?

i'm really having a hard time focusing on much of anything... i'm home now, got let off work early, so that made me happy. tomorrow's my last day and we'll see how that goes - woohoo!! :D i'm so excited to be done, it will be fantastic. :) and then... focusing on apps for res. :-X i really really don't want to do that but oh well... :(

i'm exhausted. i just want to sleep... so sick of the bullshit that swirls around in my head. :'(

*hides in a hole after sending cuddles out to everyone who wants them*

*hugs everyone*

*glomps april* i'm alright *yawns* getting cabin fever! I so have to get out of this house sometime soon. It's not fair, Jack gets all the fun, and the closest I get to time out is a quick half hour domestic shopping trip. How are you lovely?

Concentration , concentration concentration , where are you ? I feel bad for blowing Hayley off playing WoW.

Hey Kat*HUGS*

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs April* One LAST day woop!

Mark go sleep now . I hope my mood is okay tommorow too but with more FOCUS!!!

Don't feel bad Mark. Hayley'll understand *hugs*
Yay! Almost there April! *throws confetti*
*hugs everyone*

*huggles mark* Hey! Hope you have a good sleep Mark. *hands you a freshly baked cal free chocolate chunk cookie and a glass of warm milk*


*huggles crimson* beat me to posting!

LOL *blows raspberries* gotta do something during my lunch break! Planning a remodel for the house I'm trying to get and surfing RYL is the options that won lol

I'm surfing RYL and trying to ignore the fact that I just sold my wedding dress.. :(

Think of it this way... Will you ever wear it again? If not, would someone else? If so, you are blessing someone else. You can always remember it fondly with pictures. :) *hopes that's helpful*

I guess you're right, i just feel like I did it too soon in one way...in another I know i'm just being histronic! I hate letting anything go and i've been doing really well clearing stuff out to charity shops and ebay, and I guess there's a part of me that wants to cling on to something useless.. and the fond memories.

I'm the same way. I'm slowly getting better though. I've been decluttering 28 years of stuff for over a year now. Some of it I still haven't convinced myself to let go of even though I haven't even seen it for more than 2 minutes in over a yr. Other things I just need to take pictures of them and that suffices. Still other times I just ask myself if I need it or love it and toss it in the donation bag.

I know that one, it's the boxes and bags of complete random junk that's filling our loft I need to do, and I have no attachment really to any of it, i just don't want to get rid of it, it's silly.

Someone once told me I fill the emotional holes in my heart with possessions. >.>

hah. that smacks as so true to me! ouchies, I have such a headache, doing so much switching. Jess is talking on another board, 'miel and sarah are trying to keep shadow under control, and the littles are flying out occasionally to winge about things I should have kept.

i'm falling apart... per usual.
it hurts so much to smile... per usual.
i want to cut... per usual.

i don't even really want to play wow. i just want to sleep. i'm slipping into a deeper depression than i care for (well, i don't care for any depression, but it's been years since i've been truly happy... almost half my life ago). i don't know what to do about it. the pastor that married us, whom i've been emailing since 2006, has said that i need to do "whatever it takes" to get better... including being willing to go into the hospital now if that's what i need. :'( i don't think i need that though... i need therapy. i need res. guuhhhh.... :'(

*hides in the warren and cries there, because she can't cry irl*

Honestly though getting rid of stuff and not being overwhelmed by my own clutter is making me feel better all in all. Once we buy this house and fix it up though I refuse to take and unpack things I don't either need or love with few exceptions. We haven't decided if we're going to have another child or not so I have some stuff I kept just in case. Gotta get around to going through the kids school stuff too. I home school so we have whole books, art projects, science projects and papers. lol We'll get there though. :)