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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Madwife 04-09-2012 11:18 PM

Please can I pull up a blanket and hide in a corner. Wish I had a real life safe ward to go to :-\

WhisperingSiren 05-09-2012 02:07 AM

Oh I only meant who was on this thread, in the virtual "ward". I have never been in one, myself, thankfully >.>

I'm not unsafe, even at night. I just feel utterly terrible. That's mainly why I would not want to wake anybody up... it would just end up making me feel guilty and generally worse off to know I made somebody's next day so terrible from lack of sleep, when I wasn't even going to do anything to myself. I just end up not being able to sleep myself for forever, go to darker places, occasionally have a panic attack, the kind of cries that make you hurt because you don't quite breathe enough... but... I've long since known I wasn't capable of hurting myself. There's an odd thankful depression about that, if that even makes sense.... but yeah I don't really want to get too far into that one. But yes, nighttime is when it sucks, for about the same reason as for you- your mind is allowed to wander in the quiet and dark before sleep, and as it wanders it gathers speed, until you are quite incapable of sleep.

I use pandora as a radio station... unfortunately, because of my connection with both reading and music, audio books and music stations don't really kick me out of moods that often. Any other methods? I've noticed that surprise and the song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from Life of Brian by Monty Python works rather well, I've also found my cat work occasionally, although when he gets in the mood to run away and ignore me he can make me worse instead. Any suggestions for getting out of ruts?

StardustedSky 05-09-2012 10:21 PM

Whispering siren - I can totally see where your coming from aout waking people up, I always feel so guilty and comments which are ment to reassure like 'it's all ok' is like lighting the blue touch paper with me and I end up taking my frustrations out on whoever the pool soul is. Funny question but have you ever injured someone when youv lashed out so far I have nearly broken my fiancées nose while in a nightmare and he was trying to reassure and wake me up and put my feet through plasterboard of a wall (nightmare where I was trapped in car and had to kick out windscreen) I know it seems a wired question but I'm curious if it's just me that seems to get so physically trapped in these nightmares :s

I have to admit I don't find the audio books stop the nightmares or pull them out but what I have found them good for is to give me something to focus on when my mind is determined to take me to the darkest place it can find. I find music hard for me it often makes me worse admittedly but it's good that you have found sometime like that which helps. I always try to keep stuff like that on my iPod so if I am out and struggling during the day I have those sort of tools right at hand to help things maybe getting the worst of me. That said music is the best for me to keep me distracted when traveling to help with things like PTSD flashbacks and the likes.

I have to admit I am desperate for a dog or guinea pigs or something for a number of reasons however primarily it's company at nighttime something that loves you without questions and you can cuddle and pay attention to and talk to without the fear of being judged. So I can't definitely see where your coming from with the cat and especially if he is not in the mood for cuddles its almost like a rejection and I can see how hard that could be.

I find my best thing is to try and keep my mind busy but unlike most people the whole relax bedtime routine is the worst thing for me as its too much time to dwell and think. As a result I have a list of activities which I turn to to try and keep my mind entertained. So examples are: drawing or scraper foil art stuff, baking or cooking (yes I have been known to make a chicken casserole or pasta bake at 2 in the morning) playing piano (I have an electric one so I can put headphones in to not wake anyone), coming on here and speaking/responding to people I also try to keep up to date for my job (I work in digital marketing so there is new stuff to learn every week which is lucky for me so there is always stuff to read up on) I also then use this time to write blog posts for my work blog with topics including everything from what I have read to my opinion of a brands latest tv advert. I know this all sounds really silly but for me it's all about keeping my mind busy. I used to get up and exercise but I found this made things worse as not only did it wake me up more it made me worse because it highlighted the physical changes which I have faced since my accident and still resent and therefore struggling to adapt to. I hope some of them might be of use to you. What do you mean by a rut? A rut in not sleeping at night, struggling with specific issues such as travelling in a certain vehicle or situation etc and previous coping mechanisms not working?

Madwife, *come over and sits down next to you* I don't blame you sometimes I feel that I would be safer there, I got a bad virus a few weeks ago and was put in a infectious disease unit so was locked in a room by myself and although mentally things were very hard because I had no distractions the thought of leaving and having to deal with the world again was just not worth thinking about. I think for me I just want to be in my 'box' hide from everything but what I try to remind myself is that this will only work for the length of time I'm there and once I get out its all going to come right back. *hugs*

Wildchild 06-09-2012 06:40 PM

*sneaks inside and takes a look around*

I hope it's okay for me to be in here, but I think I need a place to curl up and not worry about the world for a while...

Louise 06-09-2012 07:19 PM

hugs everyone

hellokittymad 07-09-2012 12:38 PM

*sits in thread* grrrrrr

risenfromperdition 07-09-2012 10:57 PM

*curls up near annie*
wat rong?

midnightphoenix 08-09-2012 12:36 AM

*curls up in ward sobbing* someone please make everything disappear

Heaven20 08-09-2012 12:48 PM

This week is going to be horrible

midnightphoenix 08-09-2012 10:33 PM

Oh god today I got the letter telling me the psychiatrist wants to see me - I'm scared *hides*

Heaven20 09-09-2012 06:51 AM

*hugs midnight* It'll be okay lovely, I think.

Bad, bad bad need to hurt, need the pain, all needs to come out. Stupid.

hellokittymad 09-09-2012 11:00 AM


Originally Posted by Heaven20 (Post 3358823)
*hugs midnight* It'll be okay lovely, I think.

Bad, bad bad need to hurt, need the pain, all needs to come out. Stupid.

^^ *hugs* you no stupid Lexi xxx

StardustedSky 09-09-2012 09:47 PM

Curls up in corner and cuddles into wall

Hugs to everyone

Heaven20 09-09-2012 11:47 PM

Bad lexy shouldn't, shouldn't no no no! *sobs and rocks*

hellokittymad 10-09-2012 01:02 AM


Originally Posted by Heaven20 (Post 3359724)
Bad lexy shouldn't, shouldn't no no no! *sobs and rocks*

Lexy not bad, sweetheart promise no bad, text me if you need me you know where i am xxxx

Heaven20 10-09-2012 08:59 AM

Thank you babe :) <3 xx

WhisperingSiren 10-09-2012 08:11 PM

My PTSD panic attacks make me very, very stiff... I shake violently still, but I'm holding myself as well, I don't end up kicking or anything. I haven't broken anybody's nose, but I have lashed out and nearly taken out my boyfriend's eye, kneed/elbowed him hard in the stomach, and other such things... but these weren't responses to nightmares, they were responses to my being agitated while awake and his unfortunately making a wrong move :( I'm just thankful he hasn't left me because of all of that :'(

When I'm winding my mind down, I try to go into mind of no mind... when I crochet, the faster and more repetitive the crochet is, the less my mind thinks about everything else, and then the less my mind has to think about crochet... it empties, leaving a kind of automatic nothingness not far from sleep. With the music, I put my headphones on and turn it up and block everything else in the world... for a moment, I can pretend it is just me and yarn and perhaps a cat in my lap or by my feet, and that I've turned into the picture of a smiling old lady doing the same things, content, grandchildren and children upstairs asleep, a husband sleeping in the recliner beside me, and a kitten eying the yarn ball as it rolls across the floor, the room dimly lit by a floorlamp pointed to my work. For a moment, I'm exactly where I want to be.

StardustedSky 10-09-2012 10:08 PM

Whispering siren, I have to admit I ink the same everyday. My fiancée proposed before any of this happened. He is such a loyal guy that I can't help but feel he is sticking by me because of that sense of duty. Regardless I don't understand why he has not done what most guys would and do a runner. I can't stop but feel he deserves better but if I ever feel him this he gets angry and frustrated and says he is happy but I see the pain in his eyes. It sounds like a lovely image you have for your wind down how do you stop dark thoughts and stuff creeping in? Do you get many nightmares? How do you settle afterwards, short of drugging myself or SI I still struggle to vent and let go of the frustrations going round and round in my head but I know it's not healthy but after 3 years on a few hours sleep every night I am just desperate.

Kittyenna 10-09-2012 11:40 PM

*sits down*
Bad bad bad need to hurt, need to get it out, need the pain to stop

sapphire hearts 12-09-2012 02:25 AM

SleepyxHead13: you dont need to hurt sweetheart. You're not bad, I promise.

I cannot react normally. To anything. Any person who displays an interest in me I automatically assume wants to hurt me. I want to hurt myself. I'm so confused and scared. I loathe myself.

Kittyenna 12-09-2012 09:53 AM

Thanks sapphire, need to hurt so bad :( if I hurt then he can't hurt me anymore :(

It's okay and understandable to be scared, I'm the same, you not bad, *hugs*

risenfromperdition 12-09-2012 03:17 PM

sorry i've not been around katie, but you can message me whenver and i'll try to reply as quick as can.

take care you guys <3

*sits in corner*
im so tired.

m0nk 12-09-2012 11:47 PM

my brain feels like its cutting itself and i cant release

midnightphoenix 13-09-2012 11:46 PM

midnight-star bad bad bad girl for triggering herself and SI'ing

StardustedSky 14-09-2012 07:23 PM

I can't do this I can't cope it's too much how can I move on when I resent everything that's happened I dispite who I have become I'm just letting the ones I love down I can't keep seeing the hurt in their eyes

Kahlia1981 15-09-2012 09:36 AM

Stardust: I can tell you that you can do this and you can cope simply based on the way you are continuously facing the challenges life is giving you. Your thoughts and feelings are valid and, in your position, I would also resent everything that's happened as it took away several vital parts of you including your confidence and your old identity. The ones you love may show hurt because they don't know how to help and they can see how much you have lost, just as you can. Whilst you are grieving so are they, but they are grieving for both themselves and for you. It's possible that some of them feel responsible for what has happened for reasons that we cannot fathom. I know that it is hard, and I'm not asking you to trust me or to believe me, but I know you are continually facing the challenges head on. Where you can't do something or have something you find a workaround. That is part of what will help you to become what you can be. Sorry, I just realised how long that was.

Hi all, if anyone is in here from the last time I was... quite some time ago. But right now I need to talk to somebody. I may be a significant amount of time SI free, but the uneasiness I've been feeling and the restlessness are calling into my mind all sorts of thoughts of SI and suicide. I don't want to die and I don't want to harm, but that seems to be all my mind can think of. I don't know.... I just don't know anymore

Kittyenna 15-09-2012 02:02 PM

*rocks* they want to change my medication, scared

StardustedSky 15-09-2012 09:32 PM

Hugs kahlia, you have no idea how much those lovely words mean to me right now, you too are facing so many challenges just remember i am always here to talk to.

Sleepyhead, I know it must be so scary just now but sometimes it is good. I was terrified when they changed my antipsychotic but it did make a difference once I was back in my routine and on a settled dose. Xxx

sapphire hearts 16-09-2012 03:19 AM

Why did I get rid of my tools? I need them now.

Kahlia1981 16-09-2012 11:29 AM

Sleepyhead: Sometimes a change in medication can be a good thing. If what you are currently on is not helping or not really helping sometimes a change is necessary. Are you able to discuss your fears with the treating doctor? *safe hugs*

Stardust: I meant every word that I said. *hugs*

Sapphire: Is there anything you can do to help distract you? If you got rid of your tools there may a part of you that thinks/feels you don't need them as much as you did. Getting through the "right now" is never easy but is one of the many challenges we all face. You can make it through without harming, even if you need to play the 30-second game to do so.

YodaBearInterrupted 16-09-2012 07:59 PM

This sucks... I hate being played by both sides at the table... and since I was emotionally lost, the Dark Lord came and I wasn't ready and the fight wasn't pretty and I did bad things to make him go away... I don't want to go to work tomorrow but I have to

Kittyenna 16-09-2012 10:05 PM

Kahlia - thank you, and for the hugs! I'm not really sure who to talk to, the psychiatrist asks my doctor to prescribe it but I can't get hold of my doctor and I only see the psychiatrist once a month as a I see a counselor in between. But even when I do see her she won't give me a prescription herself. I kind of think well if she thinks it will help it must be right but I'm really really scared

Gem-Louise 17-09-2012 03:18 PM

*curls up * want to cause myself so much hurt right now and take it further than hurting myself -.- so fed up of life and ****

Indigo. 18-09-2012 08:11 PM

I hope it's OK for me to just come here..

I just need some place to hide right now...

*cries and hides in a corner*

Why does she make me feel like this? WHY?? :((

risenfromperdition 18-09-2012 11:44 PM


sapphire hearts 22-09-2012 01:41 PM

*curls up in the corner* I don't want to go to work. I don't want to do anything. I want to hide with my polar bear.

YodaBearInterrupted 22-09-2012 01:56 PM

Blah. I don't feel good at all, and my mom is yelling at me about doing something I don't wat to do at all...

chemistrymonkey 23-09-2012 06:43 AM

checking in and staying put until I can stop randomly crying

StardustedSky 23-09-2012 07:59 PM

Yodabear how are you coping, how are things at work. It's the worst feeling when you have a hard night and have to go into work the next day. Does anyone is your office know that you could maybe confide in, or could you see about getting flexi time?

Sapphirehearts *brings over a blanket and a drink of juice* hugs. What's our polar bears name? I have an otter called seaweed he looks after me when the darkness comes, especially now my fiancée is ill.

I'm a crumbling mess, let down by so many and so alone too scared to say I can't cope for fear of being judged and people deciding I'm not fit to look after my fiancée if I loose him I will have truly lost everything. I can't do it I can't stay strong no monitoring no support no sleep and too much darkness but no strength or will to fight

sapphire hearts 25-09-2012 09:43 PM

StardustedSky: Polar bear's name is leo. He will keep you safe too. I'm so sorry your fiancee's ill, my thoughts are with you. You're going to be ok, I promise. PM me anytime - I know you'll be fine *hugs* xx

caiden 27-09-2012 09:29 PM

hello again everyone. been gone a long time...not doing too good right at the moment...thought i would check in for a little stay here to try to keep what little bit of sanity i actually have left...hugs to all. i hope all are managing to make their way through yet another day.

StardustedSky 30-09-2012 11:46 PM

I can't do this anymore pretending everything is going to be fine and that I'm coping. The one person in my life who makes it worth living is ill and I can't even care for him as much as I want to. Life has become so destructive to just get by but I am paranoid he will find out. Where before I could confide in him with everything's that going on I just can't burden him with that but if he finds out he will be hurt im trapped in this hopeless loop. I haven't slept in over 6 days the only relief I can find is negative I just don't know how much longer I can hold out.

m0nk 02-10-2012 01:01 AM

my anti-psychotics medicine is making me anti-psychotic.
and why does it always go backwards when using medicine?

YodaBearInterrupted 04-10-2012 08:53 PM

*hugs all*

Not in a good place right now

Mihashi 05-10-2012 12:33 AM

So here I come... Checking in... because there's nowhere else to be, at the moment..

m0nk 06-10-2012 07:30 PM

stupid feelings about that my body hates me cause i SI'd before... was up all night went home in the morning puked in the sink headache went to bed. woke up went back and started feeling headache.

Mihashi 08-10-2012 06:35 AM

Feeling a bit better, after last time. I only hope things keep getting better.

Kittyenna 08-10-2012 09:26 PM

Need somewhere to hide, curl up and shrink away from everything that hurts me *curls up*

anarchistl0ve 09-10-2012 03:38 AM

*Flops down into one the empty beanbags curls up under a blanket* Nope I am miles away from being okay.

Kittyenna 09-10-2012 09:20 PM

*curls up and hides* Can't pretend i'm okay anymore, cracks are already showing

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