*hides from failing calc. and awaiting finals in a pillow fort*

oh i like Within Temptation and i have actually heard them before, even here in USA! just hadn't known their name apparently.
ps there are no failing grades or calculus in the denial tent!
shudder i was rubbish at calculus and whatever tiny bit of calculus knowledge my brain has i magically pass onto you. (most likely this is nothing, but it's the thought that counts.)

Aww *hugs Whispering* I hate calc too, *shudders* but you're in the denial tent, no failing here. Hope you do better... we're here for you!! :)

Gahh I'm up and awake and it's 1:40am... don't wanna be awake this early!! I have some silly little YA books that I can read if I feel like it... easy reading so it shouldn't take too much concentration, and I can get on WoW if I feel like it... but I would rather be sleeping!!! :(

Bloodwork tomorrow morning and I am as thirsty as HELL but can't drink anything but water, and our water tastes like CRAP... all sulfur-y etc. :( My mouth is dry and sticky and I hate feeling like that... would love some hot cider or hot chocolate but can't... ugh. Anyway, enough whining, lol.

Wish I had a nurse or someone to talk with in this virtual psych ward... when I was in hos, those many times, there was ALWAYS someone to chat with. Oh well. I'm glad you all are getting your sleep. :)

&♥

so its December 11... 1 year since my last real attempt. I wish i was happier about that then i am, but its not like much has changed, I just don't OD as much... which i guess is good. right? of course it is... i think. But anyway, I hope everyone is doing alright.
*hugs*

Laura it isn't a good thing it's a great thing and it doing it takes a lot of brave strength and that is super impressive so Yay Laura and you should totally celebrate that you did that for a whole year like buy yourself presents maybe and get confetti! confetti always makes it a celebration i mean when do you see confetti and not think YAY PARTY

*hugs all*

Sorry no individual replies, just know that I have read everyone's posts and am thinking of you all.

This morning I sold my gold engagement and wedding rings, did some banking, got my navel pierced and met up with my friend (used to be my housemate) for coffee. I enjoyed the coffee and chat. It was something "normal" in these turbulent times. My friend has to go off to an appointment so I did a little light shopping (groceries only unfortunately) and cycled home. While I was with my friend, he said that I sounded like I had swallowed a cryptic crossword. In a way I was trying to prepare him for my disappearing-without-telling-anyone-where-I-was-going because that's still what I would dearly love to do. But... yeah... I don't know. *sigh* My head is all twisted right now.

Laura, that's awesome!! You should be so proud of yourself. *big hugs* Celebrate... go out and do something special, buy yourself something special, if you can. Try and enjoy the day as much as you can. I remember how much I celebrated when I reached a year of no SI... that was back in July '07... sadly, am back to SI'ing monthly now. But anyway - tangent. Callie is right, confetti is good. :)

Callie, how are you doing?? *hugs*

Kahlia, sounds like you had a busy day. I'm glad you enjoyed the coffee and chat... sounds like you needed it. :) It's always good to get time with friends... but please don't disappear-without-telling-anyone-where-you're-going. That doesn't sound very good nor very healthy, and while you may need a getaway, that definitely doesn't sound like the way to get it. *hugs* I hope that you sleep well tonight (it's nighttime there now, right?)... try and take care of yourself the best that you can, and remember - people care about you.

Gahh. I have fasting bloodwork this morning and I've been up since 1am, unable to sleep. I wonder if it's the Abilify doing that, or the med switch (Geodon to Abilify) in general... been getting up anywhere from 1am to 5am the past few weeks or so. I hate not sleeping. But now because I'm fasting and just drinking water (which tastes very sulfur-y :( ... oh well), I want to fast all day even though I can't. GRRRRR... :(

*hugs Callie* thanks *grabs a handful of confetti and throws it around*

*hugs kahlia* Glad to hear you had a good time with coffee.. i love coffee lol. Stay strong.

*hugs scarletdreamer* (sorry I don't know your name)... I'm trying to be happier about it, I would be happier if I actually felt better, but o well. I'm just having a relaxing day i think. Sorry to hear that you are SI-ing monthly again... Maybe someday you can get back to a year and then 2 and 3... etc... and then i'll hand you some confetti lol.

Dont know if im in the right thread - sorry if this aint the place. Just gotta get it out.

Feeling really really blue...

Feeling really really alone.

bluecherry * huge cuddles*

bluecherry this is the place for everything!
it's magical and perfect because nothing doesn't belong here!
i know, it's awesome, right??
*huge squishy hugs for the whole entire Virtual Psych Ward because it's awesome*
Kahlia how is the belly piercing? i hope it's well - i have had to do mine twice and i'm still not sure it's going to take so i really hope you are having much better luck! be careful with your clothes; mine always is getting stuck on my shirts. i hope you don't have to disappear? disappearing isn't a good thing to have to do. please don't. your belly piercing will be all disappeared and alone and miss all the other piercing friends it has in the world that can't see it anymore.
Laura, you've made a whole year and that is awesome huge confetti progress so just think what this whole next year will bring you with an entire year's more progress! yay that will be giant confetti!
Scarlet abilify made me funny too i think. i wasn't on it long but i specifically remember that the reason i went off it was that i suspected it kept me awake. you should def ask your doc about that. how's the blood work?
hi emski

I hope Puppy Sinclaire is still in here!!!

Arwen: *hugs you* - I believe Puppy SinClair is still around ... I'm not sure he's being fed though!!

The belly ring is going really well. I was concerned for a couple of seconds there yesterday when I looked at it and the dressing they'd put over it was blood-stained. But seriously that's not really a surprise. Yeah I've been warned about clothes interacting with the jewellery. *hugs you*

Yeah coffee is good. And it's even better when you are sharing the joyous coffee experience with friends. *hugs you*

I'm trying to fight it. Luckily I don't have a car. Last time I felt the need to disappear I just jumped in my car and left I was gone for a week and my parents were about to list me as a missing person when I returned. I just hope this feeling/need/urge/idk fades a bit. *hugs you*


I know that I've missed some people and I'm sorry. I just want you all to know that I'm thinking of you. *hugs everyone in the ward and leaves hugs for anyone who walks in*

*hugs everyone*

I'm in an extreme downward spiral... in a really bad place. Knowing I should reach out for help IRL but not being able to. Just wanting it all to be over. *sigh*

*goes and finds a vacant corner in the dark and sits and cries*

*holds Kahlia* I'm so sorry, love, that things are so hard. But you can make it through. What is the toughest thing going on right now? is there anything that we can do to help? *more hugs* Ooh, and I wanted to say that piercings are cool - just got my nose done and I have 8 piercings total in my ears. Trying to figure out what I want done next - not my belly button, as I HATE my stomach and don't want a stranger looking at it. Plus I heard they hurt a lot... the nose piercing hurt enough, lol. I'm not that good with pain unless I'm the one inflicting it. :-/

Laura, my name's April. :) I suppose I ought to put that in my user title thingummy so people know. Hmmm. Anyway, yeah, it will be giant confetti when you reach 2 years without any attempts. And it will be giant confetti when I reach 1 year without SI'ing!! because recently I just cut so badly I had to go get stitches. :( So that was really dumb of me. But oh well... stupid things do happen, especially to someone as dumb as I am. :( How are you doing today?

Callie, I called my NP last night about the Abilify and she told me to increase it from 10mg to 20mg and take it in the mornings. I don't have akathesia (sp?) - movement problem, unable to sit still, that means I have too much Abilify in my system... so we are decreasing the Geodon by another 40mg and, as I said, doubling the Abilify. It's 5am now and I got up a little past four... better than 1am though!!! I am so glad that I have a good NP - she's going to call me later today about how my night went, how I slept, etc. She may have make mistakes with meds but my body is so messed up when it comes to how it accepts medications, so technically it's not really a mistake. But aaanyway... :) *hugs*

*hugs everyone*

Who's Puppy SinClair? :)

*hugs Kahlia* hang in there hun. If it gets bad enough please try to reach out to someone in real life.

*hugs april* sorry to hear about your SIing, but you are not stupid or dumb!! You seem like I very nice/supportive person from your posts in here.

I'm alright today. Trying to ignore some thoughts, but oh well. I'm going to a Shinedown concert tonight so that is bound to lift my spirits.. at least for a few hours anyway.

oh i love shinedown am super jealous. good luck with the thoughts Laura. you can fight them!
Kahlia i'm sorry you are spiraling. how are you feeling now? any idea why? maybe something has happened or changed?
April you aren't stupid love
not stupid at all
if SI'ing made you stupid we would all be stupid and i refuse to be stupid so you can't be either because i want us to be smart please :-P
plus you are way to good at being self-aware AND giving advice AND talking to your NP when you have questions which is super smart
i love piercings too i have my nose as well it's my favorite and i actually got my belly done BECAUSE i hate my stomach and it sort of helps to have something shiny there to distract from my stomach

ow ow ow phone rang and i stubbed my toes wicked bad on my furniture i can't wait to move somewhere where my furniture actually fits this is ridiculous. also my mother lives here and atm i just need her gone. i just don't want to have to deal with another person's presence at all. it's too much.

i feel like crap and. i. am. so. sick. of. this.

Laura, thanks for your kind words. Callie, you too. :) Hehe, okay, fine, we can all be smart in here... lol. I'm sure we all are, but I sure don't feel like it. :( I have argued with a good friend about it to no end and I'm so glad that he doesn't get frustrated with me!!

I honestly don't feel self-aware. At least, not as self-aware as my husband is and he's the one I compare myself to the most (at least, in mental capacity, not physical, because I don't want to look ripped, I want to be skinny). He's SO analytical of relationships and events in life it's crazy!! (hah no pun intended!!) I wish I could be that aware of what's going on with me, you know? Instead I seem to be stuck in a funk that is extremely self-absorbed. Ughhh. I hate myself.

You know, I write that so casually but it's true ("I hate myself") - I can't remember the last time that I actually said to myself, "I love you." I say it all the time to my husband and friends, but not to myself. Anyone similar? :-/

I'm trying to decide where to get my next piercing... want to do my lip but my mum is against it and while I'm married and independent, her and my dad's opinions still matter to me. I think it would look okay and I would like to have it done, but bleh, I dunno. I really like my nose piercing, though. It suits my face pretty well I think, and maybe it even makes me like my (fat) face a little better. :) Hopefully...

*hugs everyone and hands out chocolate* :)

tongue? i have always wanted tongue but i hear that it is bad for your teeth bc it wears away the enamel as it bangs around in there and i really don't need to introduce anything else into my life that could hurt my teeth lol..... although i wonder if there are like plastic barbells that they could use? must look into this thank you random epiphany
i am the same way. i think i hate myself. well, i disgust myself always and i hate certain things about myself (and i really do mean hate in the true sense of the word) but there are also some specific things about myself that i love. like i don't think i would or have ever deliberately hurt somebody else and i love that! some people are mean on purpose and i'm not like them and i so give myself life points for that!
maybe your husband is more self-aware than you in certain areas that you are working on, but you are definitely very self-aware in some areas and i doubt he could be more so than you in those ones..... unless he is some kind of genius person who is so genius as to be annoying and set the bar impossibly higher for the rest of us. but good for him anyway.
you are very self-aware don't take it for granted. you are more than me. okay most people are but still you should all not take if for granted and enjoy it!
you seem to at least know when you are upset and what things bother you. that's being self aware and that is really really good to know.

Hi April. *hugs you* The toughest thing going on right now? I'm not sure. I'm just fighting so hard to keep my head above water and not disappear into a serious psychotic episode that everything is the toughest thing. Actually, my belly piercing hasn't really hurt all that much. I mean, it was nothing worse then getting a needle or a blood test. A little bit of pain, a little bit of pressure and it was all over. *shrugs* - Oh and Puppy SinClair is the psych wards resident puppy. He's always there if we need unconditional love and a bashing by a waggy tail. :D

April, I don't remember the last time I said "I love you" to myself either. It's not something I do. Maybe because I don't love myself.

*hugs Laura* Thanks, I'll try to reach out to someone IRL if it gets worse. I'm hoping you feel/felt a little better after the concert. I hope the thoughts aren't overwhelming you.

*hugs Callie* Right now I feel incredibly depressed and heading towards psychotic. I'm not sure why. Some of the depression is stemming from my last session with my tdoc when he opened the locked door ... I think that is where everything is coming from.

*hugs everyone then goes and finds Puppy SinClair and gives him a cuddle*