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MammaMia 24-04-2008 11:28 PM

*snuggles Ally*

It's good to see you glad about this...well not really but haha.

Arrrrgh I'm just ****ing stressed and those wonderful feelings of suidice are trying to muscle back in. Today has been a pure nightmare. I even cut in class. Nobody seems to give two shits about me at the moment.

I'm worried about Jane though. I hope she's feeling better and will be in tomorrow. I need to know she's okay you know?

~*forever_broken*~ 24-04-2008 11:40 PM

*snuggles Helen*
Sorry to hear about it hun. And yeah, I understand about needing to see Jane *nods*. Please fight those suicidal thoughts hun... I'm in the same boat so I'll try and do the same...

Pomegranate 25-04-2008 12:29 AM

*hugs Helen and Ally and Zowie and anybody else who needs them*

I am glad they have loosened the contract a bit Ally hun but please try to be careful. You don't want to end up in hospital which you could if they get concerned.

*pokes Helen and sends caffeine tablets and motivation to help with coursework* Just think this time tomorrow it will all be finished hun.

When are you doing back to hospital Zowie hun? How are you feeling now?

----------------------

I am going to Wales tomorrow to care for my Grandma because my grandpa has gone back into hospital yesterday. So getting 2 hour train back home to pick up my car and then drive 2.5 hours to Wales. I just want to know where I am with everything. I want to spend three days solidly self destructing. Drinking, cutting properly, ODing, sleeping- just to give me time away from the real world, but instead I am going to Wales to care for my nan. Better I know, but I cant help thinking I don't have the energy.

My mental health co-ordinator said there is a professionals meeting about me at 2pm tomorrow which obviously I can't attend as I am in Wales. I thought it would be better after I saw her because it was the first time in over 7 weeks but it wasn't and now I am not seeing her again until 14 th May. I just want a stop button so I can pause my life and fastforward or rewind to a time when it was all easier.

MammaMia 25-04-2008 01:01 AM

*hugs Emma tight*

ARGH.

Today is out to get me already. It's only 1am. So far I've not got any coursework since I left college done, because I CANNOT FIND A MICROSOFT WORD TRAIL TO USE FOR FREE. I ****ing hate this world. I'm gonna be in so much **** with everyone tomorrow. Thanks whoever. Me & my mum had two huge rows and she's already pissed me off earlier about my cuts. **** YOU. **** THIS WORLD.

I would so prefer to self destruct but haha helen cant. No pills. No nothing. Oh well. Cuts will do for tonight.....

Today is turning out **** and I haven't even crawled into bed yet!!!

Auburn Shadow 25-04-2008 01:18 AM

*hugs everyone*

I hate my overactive imagination. Makes my urges so, so much worse. Cause I can visualise it. every drop. help?

~*forever_broken*~ 25-04-2008 04:13 AM

Drinking... I'm starting to think this isn't a good idea... Oh well *shrug*

Detour. Derail 25-04-2008 09:57 AM

Anyone home?

I had an awful day yesterday :/
Made sooooo much better by my mum and dad and their SNIDE remarks :pinch:
*sigh*
I feel like I've been away FOREVER...:/
and I feel really really fat ><
Mum even asked me if i was pregnant the other day :shocked: (not the BEST confidence boost in the world if we're honest...)
But anywayyyyyssss...

*huggs & cookies for everyone*

~*forever_broken*~ 25-04-2008 03:28 PM

*curls up as small as she can in her corner*
Oh. My. Goodness. I feel absolutely AWFUL:crying: I don't know why and I don't know what to do. Images of cutting so that I could bleed to death (there are a handful of good spots on the body I know would work) are back with a vengeance:crying: So are thoughts of over dosing:crying: I wonder if sometimes people kill themselves just to escape these thoughts:crying:

Sorry... I'm no help today:-(

Hunni 25-04-2008 06:43 PM

*sits in the corner crying* i am complete scum, i don't deserve my daughter i don't deserve my hubby i don't deserve air.

MammaMia 25-04-2008 07:12 PM

You can get throug this Ally. I have faith in you sweetie.

Hunni, you're not complete scum hunnie. You DOOO deserve your daughter, the little cutie and you deserv your hubby && air. xxx

Hunni 25-04-2008 08:51 PM

nope i'm scum, i don't deserve her, i don't deserve anything for what i did

MammaMia 25-04-2008 08:51 PM

Anybody home?

(I'm tipsy :S)

MammaMia 25-04-2008 08:52 PM

Huni, you are NOT scum. You do deserver her.

Hunni 25-04-2008 08:56 PM

*sits in the corner rocking* it's just no fair. and i can't take it back, i just wanna take it back

MammaMia 25-04-2008 08:58 PM

*huggles you*

If you wanna talk, you know we're here. No pressure tho xx

Hunni 25-04-2008 09:02 PM

i don't know why now all of a sudden it's bugging me...two years ago the year before i got pregnant with my daughter i got pregnant....he said he'd support whatever i chose but i was so scared he'd leave me i did something i swore to myself for as long as i can remember that i would never ever do, and i did it just so he wouldn't leave me. and now all of a sudden it's bugging me, and i hate it, i hate myself for doing it. i just wanna take it back. i wanna hold it in my arms and love it.

effervescence 26-04-2008 12:14 AM

hello peoples. how are we all today?

ally, how are you? i know it's so hard to try and ignore all the thoughts and images but please try to. we all know it doesnt really help in the end.

emma, it might be nice to get away for a bit and see your grandmother, get a bit of a change of scenery.

helen, glad ur net is back :) i'm sure your coursework will sort itself out in the end. well done for actually caring and trying to get it all done tho :)

hunni, my friend did the same thing a year ago. it's not something to hate yourself for, everyone has different reasons and you can't predict how life would have turned out if you had acted differently. the important thing is you made a decision and were strong enough to stick to that difficult desicion. and now u have a lovely baby who you love so much and im sure u are doing a great job of bringing her up because it's obvious how much you love her.

callie? jeremy? *hugs*

well. my friend has just left, we only really got to spend thurs night and friday together. i miss her already :( just back to boring old uni and no friends and chemsitry exams arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i had to be careful none of my new scars showed up in any photos we took cos my parents will be seeing them :( i hate that i have to think about things like that. and yes callie i know you're going to say well that's an incentive not to cut and it should be, and i can say that now, but next time im triggered, it won't be enough. so yes. i now feel like crap. hooray for me.

MammaMia 26-04-2008 12:50 AM

I forgot to mention, I got all the coursework handed in. Just got to hand in my other coursework which I finished days ago and thats less weight in my bag lol.

I'm so confused about how I feel. Maybe it'll wear off when I'm not intoxicated, though I'm not actually drunk. I feel increadibly sick though. Hmmm.

effervescence 26-04-2008 01:23 AM

well done helen.

OI JEREMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

you're up in the questions thread in vets general :p

~*forever_broken*~ 26-04-2008 04:32 AM

*hugs Cloe*
Sweetie, maybe having to be careful to hide new scars SHOULD be incentive not to cut... But we all know it's a pretty lousy one and doesn't do much good *snuggles* Don't feel crap hun, you're lovely.

Helen, good job for getting your course work done and in!!

Hunni, I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling. I would like to validate those feelings though as they are very real and very... Well, valid. I hope, sweetie, that the hurt and regret will lessen. In the mean time luv, please try and remember how much you are loved and how wonderful you are. And try and delight in the adorable little girl you have (she's just about the cutest thing).*hugs*
---------------
*sigh* I keep cutting my wrist. It bleeds a lot, which feels good... Ugh, there's something seriously wrong with me when I am comforted by the feel of blood running down my arm:pinch: Well, that and the fact that I could accidentally cut too deep and I don't care overly much.


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