*cuddles everyone*

Not doing too well myself. Things keep happening and I'm bit angry at the moment. Will probably end up taking it out on me and right now, I DON'T GIVE A ****, I'M UPSET :@

*goes and punches some walls*

*hugs April* i am in the same boat with my therapist. i have an appt tomorrow night but it will probably be cancelled because of this stupid snow storm. maybe i will get a few days off of work too.

*hugs Laura* i am so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. i hope that you remain safe while you are not online with us.

*hugs Mamma* why are you so angry? what happened? why do you have to take it out on yourself? I am sorry that you feel so bad. i usually take my anger out on me too. i have been told there is a better way. i still don't believe it. all i can say is to be as safe as you can be.

*hugs Mark* i am surprised they increased your meds without you knowing it. didn't even know they could do that. i would be annoyed too.


as for me...i cut this evening. not sure why. just did it to do it. because i feel like i deserve to be punished. because i am bad. because my therapist and i talked about blood for about 30 minutes yesterday. i am exhausted. there are million reasons why i did. the bottom line is...i did it and i want more. i want self=destruction. i am not sure why i escalate this time of year. could be because this is when my folks split up many many years ago. could be because i hate winter and i have had enough of it by now. could be because of any number of traumas that have happened that i can't share because i can't remember or can't share because i do.

*hugs everyone*

Sorry I've been so distant ... I think I must have been hiding out in the denial tent or something ... or just sitting invisibly in a dark corner.

Well, this morning I made the goal of 1 year 6 months (or 1.5 years if you prefer) SI free. The last couple of days have been a real struggle. Especially with what they did to me in hospital on Sunday night ... it's taken my body awhile to get over that. *sigh*

I'm sorry everyone has been struggling. I seriously hope that things start to improve for all of you.

Things just keep getting worse and worse. Arrrrgh >_>

*sends cuddles to everyone, espically those struggling*

*April , I hope you get to see your therapist and that the snow isn't too serious , I hope you can feel better soon :)

*Laura , I'm so sorry you broke up with your boyfriend , please stay safe while you are away from us ....

* Hayley , Are you looking forwad to your hubby coming home? you've gone a really long time without S.I. it sounds like , thats a huge acheivment :

*Quiet1, I'm sorry that you cut , please take good care of the cut, make sure it doesn't get infected ( I realise you probably know that already I'm just a bit concerned)

*Kahlia , way to go on 18 months ! thats huge , I'm sorry you are struggling but you CAN do this I totally beleive in you even though I hardly know you :)

*MammaMia , * Big hugs* I hope thing get better for you soon .


I'm struggling today , I crawled out of bed without really wanting to be up , I'm not looking forward to appointments I have today with my substance missuse nurse ( who's always really nice ) and my psych Dr , I also have 2 appointments tommorow with my houseing support worker and my social worker but then after all my appointments I'm meeting up with my best friend / girlfriend ( it's complicted ) for coffee so I'm looking forward to that .
I went to go for a walk to try and get some fresh air / feel better but I got as far as just outside my front door and I just counlden't go any further , I just came back into the flat :S I don't know what happened I feel numb , I was studying my scars in bed again this morning, I'm just .......flat I guess.

* hugs to everyone *

*cuddles everyone*

LauraStar, love, are you sure it's wise not to post here when you're going to most likely be struggling the most? but if you think it's the best, then, well, I can't stop you. We'll miss you though. :( I'm so sorry to hear about the breakup... *more cuddles* ♥

Helen, I totally get how you feel (about the not caring, at least). I feel like punching walls myself at times - not right now, thank God - but at other times it's just like... WHY?!?! and I can't stop the anger from rushing through me. :( How are you doing this morning?

quiet1, I'm sorry that you cut... you're worth so much more than that. We all are. I know I'm being a hypocrite in saying that, but also, I have not cut in nearly 3 months (not a huge deal for me, I don't really keep track - stopped after awhile ago I made it 581 days without then cut again)... I probably will soon, though, just because it's punishment/enjoyment/release all in one, and because I simply don't value myself enough NOT to cut. :( I wish that we all could value ourselves as much as loving others in our lives do.

Kahlia, that's amazing!! Congratulations. :D That's a huge accomplishment... and I'm glad that you're "back" - we missed you, or at least, I know I did. How are you doing? how have things been? It's only been a few days but still... am wondering. Are you feeling better yet after being pumped full of Seroquel?

Mark, I'm sorry that you are struggling so much too. I didn't want to be up this morning either... ugh. :( Uni closed - AGAIN - due to the huge snowstorm, and we're supposed to get more snow tomorrow so I'm not sure what will be going on then. I don't mind, lol, it's nice to have snowdays in college. :P I plan on reading in a bit, playing some WoW (already did that, but what I really want to do I feel like I can't as I want to play on a character with whom my husband plays with his character [we have character pairs] - if that makes sense. Sorry, gamer-speak :P), relaxing. And maybe I'll have some of that Irish creme cappucino that we have, see if it's any good. :D

Yesterday was a huge struggle for me, felt awful and desperate and ended up bingeing a little at the end of the day. :( Stupid me. I've really got to figure out a way to get this fat off me. :( Am still struggling today but haven't put much in my stomach or anything yet so I am doing alright.

My husband is putting in a half day of work and taking tomorrow off (FMLA) because of the snow. So yeah. I'm pretty sure I won't make it to my therapy appt tomorrow morning, what with this snow - I think we already have around 5'' and more to come. *sigh* Oh well, no college & that's a good thing. Heh. :) I still have to remember to take my advanced counseling quiz, though... yucky. :(

Anyway, enough rambling about me, sorry... :o

*hides in a very very dark corner* :(

So over today. So over this week. So over this month.

One **** thing after another.

Still no ****ing heating, best friend is home but very withdrawn, best friends went into an almighty panic when I didn't get in contact for a few hours, then keep collapsing. Never have felt so dizzy and I get dizzy regularly :| That's not even everything that's happened today ha.

Can I please give up now? What some/most people want anyway.

Oh & cuddles for everyone, sorry not really replying to posts, thanks who've replied to me already x

*cuddles everyone* sorry no individual replies, just so little sleep has left me with so little concentration.

I can't deal with this lack of sleep anymore, got to go to a class in an hour, I'm depping for someone then got my British Military Fitness(BMF) class later, really want to go, as it might make me worn out and therefore sleep, plus will feel very lazy if I don't go. But seriously 3-4 hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row is not good, especially with essays and a competition coming up.
*collapses in corner*

Met my Psych Dr he didn't even know the meds I've been mistakenly given came in that dose :S
Had a long chat with Sharron my alcohol missuse worker about me wanting to start drinking again but this time I want to drink sensibly . I'm 29 for crying out loud and I feel like a naughty child for even having drink in my flat . I'm sure I can be responsible , well almost sure and I've gone for almost 2 years without any alcohol , it's not like I am going to start drinking white cider or 16 cans a night again , it's just nice and normal to be able to have a drink with dinner or while the rugby's on is that so fundementally behond what I can do ?
My Psych Dr just stressed me out , TODAY just stressed me I am SO triggered to hurt myself now...............sorry:-S

*hugs for you all*

*cuddles Oliver* Yeh, 3-4 hours of sleep a nice is really bad... it would drive me crazy too - literally probably, insomnia-induced psychosis. I am exhausted as is right now and I've been sleeping about 8-9 hours a night, roughly. Anyway - what competition? & what exactly is BMF?

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad... and I can understand the frustration of not having drink in your flat, but at the same time, isn't it good to avoid any temptation at all? I suppose I can see though, that as it has been nearly 2 years without a drink... but still. I don't know. I'd still err on the side of caution. I hope that doesn't offend you. :-S Maybe if you do buy drink buy just one or two drinks, or one 6-pack, so you don't have a ton to binge on if you suddenly can't control yourself? Hope that makes sense... *more cuddles*

As I said, I'm really tired... did the quiz for advanced counseling this morning, hubby came home early, bestie might be coming over later. I don't know. I really want to purge and am scared that I will be dxed with BED/COE if I don't start purging sometime soon, somehow. :( I feel so stupid!!!!

Make it all go away, please, please, make it go away...

*April , You didn't offend me , it's good advice you gave , I just feel like...........I don't know how to feel , ugh! it is frustrating .Whats BED/COE if you don't mind me asking? sorry if I'm being a bit dense.*Hugs April*

*cuddles April and Mark* sorry your both not doing well, I don't have much advice at the moment, sorry.

Its an internal chamber music competition in college, my wind quintet are in it, its a week tomorrow. BMF is basically an hour of exercise in an army style, but its for civilians, all the instructors are in or were in the forces and its done outside, with 3 different levels. I always end up walking home covered from head to toe in mud, but its fun, if very hard work.

Just dropped in to offer everyone some Great ... Big .... HUGS. *hugs everyone*

My body feels a tonne better after the clinically-induced OD on Seroquel. Now I just have to find some way to make my mood better. A guy from CATT came around yesterday and said that he thought my mood was "turning a corner" but then, not that much later on I was talking to my housemate about wanting to stop off at the hardware store and get a nice piece of rope and a blade. A bit later on still I was having trouble trying not to cry for no obvious reason. *sigh* Sometimes I just wish I knew what the heck was going on with me ...

*walks around to everyone she can find and offers them a hug*

*hugs everyone*

for everyone that said anything about my break up and leaving here for awhile - I just don't want to talk to anyone. I feel completely lost. I mean we had been dating for over 4 years... I just don't know how to handle anything right now. I'm sorry.

*huggles Laura* there is no need to apologise, just know that we are concerend and only want to offer our support and we're all thinking of you.

*huggles everyone else* Sorry for not doing more individual replies but I'm having a crummy brain day with my M.E so can't really cope with the focusing and typing. Laura's was the last post in my head so I could respond easier, don't want you thinking I'm picking and choosing who I respond to *worries with some paranoia*

Anyhoo, Ewan should be getting his RnR in Kenya today, I've not had any contact with him in nearly 2weeks, so I'm really hoping to get at least a text from him. I get so insecure :( I am looking forward to his return but am still anxious about it. Also got a 'bonding' sleep over with my sisters tomorrow which I'm anxious about, we've never done anything like this before (they are my half sisters so we didn't grow up together) and they don't know about any of my MH problems and they wanna drink....I'm not sure how I'll be or what truths I'll open up to them....I guess I'll just have to see how things go....

Right time for me to stop getting fuzzy eyed on this screen...

*naps in corner with puppy sinclair*

*hides in denial tent*

*is hiding in denial tent*

It's ok Hayley... I have this issue sometimes too. *hugs*

*hugs Helen* how are you, hun?

:-( my girlfriends gone away for the weekend, she left a couple hours ago and i'm already feeling so incredibly lonely and depressed.
I'm gonna be busy tomorrow because its my friends bday thing and we're going to london and clubbing etc so i know i wont be alone but i still feel lonely. I just want her back. I feel so stupid and pathetic being like this. I'm so dependant and that really isnt a good thing and i know that but it doesnt change anything. I don't want her to feel guilty, its healthy to spend time apart and shes gone to see her family so its all good but id way prefer to be with her than anyone else.

Sorry a bit of a rant, i just feel really pathetic for feeling so low. Plus i was being all depressing when she was packing and thats not good or nice for her. Urgh i feel like such a crappy girlfriend :-( i just want her home with me :-(

i quite counselling. she was pissing me off and not helping at all.
let's hope things stay sane for a while.

*hugs everyone*

*cuddles everyone then slips into the denial tent*

i feel like i need to be punished. my thoughts are wrong. i shouldn't think like that. i should be punished. ew.

*hugs everyone*

I'm tired, I'm dizzy, I want these strong dangerous urges to stop now.

*screams her head off in a dark corner, pats Puppy SinClair and sneaks into the denial tent for the night*

*pops by and leaves some kit kats on the table and hugs for all*

Jem - I'll take one of the hugs, but I'm afraid I'm not into chocolate at the moment. *hugs you back*

*hugs everyone*

I spent over AU$700 on bits for my computer today. It is being pimped beyond belief. I can't wait for the parts to arrive. But I do wish that my joy in pimping my beast is being marred by my damn depression. Poot.

*cuddles all around*

* Hugs everyone *

*hugs everyone*

*leaves hugs*

I wish I would die.

Cool bananas Kahlia!! U'll have a beast of a machine over there hehe....! Do u plan to put the parts in yourself or will somebody do it for u?

*decides to hide in the psych ward tonite and cuddles all*

I am so ****ing anxious right now. I can't concentrate on schoolwork & I want to b/p. I hate my life. :(

Sorry to be a negative Nancy... how is everyone else? *cuddles for all*

Oh crap I've eaten so much , comfort eating it's not good especially when I am feeling so overweight . I want to S.I. 1.To punish myself for being so weak willed 2. To divert attention away for this Intense high feeling i've been getting latley , I don't know how else to deal with it .
*Hugs for you all*
I know my problems are not huge but I needed to air them , sorry.

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry we all seem to be struggling at the moment.

*cuddles Mark, Helen, anyone else lurking who wants cuddles*

Yeh, it seems that it's a rough patch for us all. :( How're you, Helen? & it's fine, Mark, to post here. You don't need to SI... you can make it through... keep fighting, you've done SO WELL so far!!!!

♥

Still struggling away, trying to hold on? My best friend, well one of them, told me they were proud today. She knows I've had a lot of bad emotions & really wanting to od/die etc lately but haven't done anything bad (except cut..) so she's proud, she knows how hard it is for me not to when I want to.

That's awesome, Hels. You need to hear more things like that. *holds you* Things will be okay... you and I are in similar places it sounds like, mentally... sounds like a LOT of us are. I wish I could help us all, snap my fingers & sprinkle magical fairydust on all of us and then have everything be okay. :(

I am struggling with BN urges but am NOT going to let myself give in to them. I made a support group for me on FB today... feel kind of guilty and selfish for doing so but I felt like it was something I needed to do, I don't know... :(

*hides*

Jem - My computer is already a beast lol. Seriously the specs make some people's eyes water. It's just getting kitted out. I'm going to put the parts in myself. Like I built the rest of the computer.

*huggles everyone*

I'm so sick of this depression. If something in my medication doesn't change soon I feel like I'm going to have to ask my pdoc to go through 1 course of ECT (12 sessions here). I really don't want to. I definitely want that to be an option of last resort.

*sigh*
*leaves cuddles for anyone who wants/needs them*

I went through ECT last year. Have you gone through it before, Kahlia? And yeh, I was the same way, wanted it to be a last resort. It didn't help me, which is frustrating... wasted a semester doing nothing... :( but oh well, it was worth a shot.

Am struggling right now... want to purge so badly... same old same old I know. :(

Thanks April. I guess I do need to hear more things like that *holds tight* I hope things will be ok. It's been one thing after another and it's not getting any better yet. Nearly broke down on the phone earlier haha. I think we are in similar places mentally. I also wish I could help us all, snap my fingers & sprinkle magical fairydust on all of us and then have everything be okay. :(

*cuddles Kahlia* Hope things change real soon babe, I know how much you hate ECT :(

Wish today was over already. Hate this. 6 ****ing years. ****ing hell, this afternoon is going to be pure hell >_> :'(

*a bit jealous that u have a beast of a machine* lol...

My comp is like 5 yrs old now, still on the AMD 939 sockets lol

*hides under my bed* meh, i don't have enuf energy to get up these days :-(

April - yeah I had ECT last year. 1 full course (12 sessions here) and then another 3 or 4 sessions. The first lot saved my life, but I don't want it again because the relief is only temporary. That might sound a little screwy, but it's going to be a pain in the arse to even achieve it this time - if it is required.

Hels - *cuddles you right back* I hope something changes, even just a medication change might be enough to get me back on the right track.

Jem - Mine is technically called "The Beast Mach 2" my housemate's is the beast, lol. Mine whomps arse over his. It made our old landlord cry (we both have 8 GBs of RAM - if we'd been able to get it we would have 16 GBs each)

*hugs everyone*

Still in a down mood state. Getting so sick of this. Had a phone call from the Mental Illness Fellowship today because I'd put an application in and then had a really negative interaction with a particular staff member. They've spoken to her and invited me to come in on Wednesday for the Coffee Club. *shrugs*

*walks up to everyone she can find and offers them hugs then disappears into a dark corner*

Oops, just realised that the ECT was in 2008... for some reason I was thinking this is still 2009 ... bit of an issue when it's the first of March lol.

Ugh I don't know whats wrong with me one moment I'm totally hyper high and the next I can barely get out of bed let alone out of the house . I just went to go for a walk , reaasoning that the sunlight and fresh air might pick my mood up , I got maybe 20 paces out of the flat and I just had to turn around and come back , I just coulden't face being out , I have an nurses appointment later that I HAVE to go to I'll have to walk to that :S.....
Plus my front door handle half comes off when I close it from the outside , thats worrying me
Do you guys think I'm just being lazy? I mean I just can't seem to do anything physical sometimes .

* Hugs you all *

Wow 8gbs...i dunno y u've got so much? Ull need like to run a dozen or more programs to make use of all of that!!!! lol

*cuddles khali* hope u feel better soon tho x

*cuddles doikers* nah u ain't lazy.....lack of energy is common, i have those days too

Lack of energy is common with depression, Mark. I don't think that you're lazy... *hugs* That is a bit worrisome about the doorknob. Hopefully you'll be able to force yourself to get out to your nurse's appt. *more hugs*

Jet, how you doing?*hugs*

Helen, I hope that you know that WE are all proud of you for making it this far. Same goes for all of the rest of you. *holds you more* Things will be okay... we will make it through.

Kahlia *hugs* Yeh I had 10 rounds of ECT last year (lol about the forgetting which year it is... :P)... didn't help at all sadly. Guess most of my issues are therapy-related and not brain chemical related. GRRRR!!! How're you feeling today?

How is everyone else?

*hides*

*cuddles everyone*

I can't do today. I really can't :'(

*cuddles Helen* I know the feeling, sweetie, I really do...

So ****ing triggered. :crying:

*hugs April and curls up*

*curls up next to Helen with a fleece blanket and her cat*

Just don't want to do today. I am still so triggered. Everyone, it feels, is thinner than I am. :'(