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MammaMia 23-03-2008 01:56 PM

Thats so sad Chloe (?), we'll be here for you xx

I'm really struggling today, so happy, yet I feel pretty suidicial somehow :S (Though I don't feel like I did, or maybe cus I'm used to feeling this way). Okay, I'm really confused.

Detour. Derail 23-03-2008 02:49 PM

yuck. i didnt take meds last night...AGAIN
doctor's gonna shout at me..
i have vodka..antidepressants/anxieties and a truck load of sleeping tablets.
Urge much?
last night was great....why cant it be last night again?!?!:pinch:
i cant do this...

~*forever_broken*~ 23-03-2008 03:37 PM

I need the denial tent
*crawls inside and wraps up in a blanket*

Take care everyone

MammaMia 23-03-2008 04:21 PM

*hides in the denial tent*

Charlie has come to visit yaay, he wants to see Milly :]

Detour. Derail 23-03-2008 04:42 PM

*brings Millie in*
*Millie starts to play*
*Alexx hides in the corner*

Detour. Derail 23-03-2008 05:35 PM

1 Attachment(s)
Im gonna probs kill this thread but i thought you should all see my Millie Moo :]

(Ps.....ignore the dog next to her :pinch:)

MammaMia 23-03-2008 05:44 PM


You're soooooooooooooooo pretty

*hugs Alex*

Milly likes playing games with Charlie I think ;)

Detour. Derail 23-03-2008 05:52 PM


Originally Posted by Hells (Post 645942)

You're soooooooooooooooo pretty

*hugs Alex*

Milly likes playing games with Charlie I think ;)

pssshhhttt :/
I was drunk at the time that was taken...its not a good pic :/


Millie and Charlie kissing in a tree

MammaMia 23-03-2008 06:00 PM

Charlie can't climb up trees ;)


It is a good pic. even if u are drunk =P

~*forever_broken*~ 23-03-2008 06:32 PM

Alexx you're both adorable :-)

Can I play please? I could use some puppy time...

Detour. Derail 23-03-2008 06:55 PM

course you can ^_^

Detour. Derail 23-03-2008 08:11 PM

why the **** am i even trying anymore?!?!?!
everyone ****ing hates me...
and i have proof..
(msn convo between my best mate and her bf)

Jess;; says
Im sorry

Trade yourself in for diamond eyes, Watch the stars collide as your lifted from your burden// says

Jess;; says
because i am..

Trade yourself in for diamond eyes, Watch the stars collide as your lifted from your burden// says
as you have proved you have no ****ing idea what your apologising for.

Trade yourself in for diamond eyes, Watch the stars collide as your lifted from your burden// says
so let me narrow it down for you

Trade yourself in for diamond eyes, Watch the stars collide as your lifted from your burden// says
shes a ****ing drunkard whore

Yes...that last bit is about me....

Ileana 24-03-2008 12:42 AM

Hmmm hello people. Can I stay here for a couplr of days? I want to be alone...so I'd like to lock myself in some room and sleep.

MammaMia 24-03-2008 01:30 AM

Sure you can ^

Alex, that seems pretty horrible, you're no whore =[

Ileana 24-03-2008 01:36 AM

Does anyone know, where can a person go if they want to be alone and away form everyone and NOT be distrubed or talked to or thought of or anything. Just to be kind of invisible, where no one's around? I so need that right now and I have no clue where I could go...or if it's even possible.

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 01:46 AM


Originally Posted by *Ileana* (Post 647262)
Does anyone know, where can a person go if they want to be alone and away form everyone and NOT be distrubed or talked to or thought of or anything. Just to be kind of invisible, where no one's around? I so need that right now and I have no clue where I could go...or if it's even possible.

I have a world...in my head..where i go to..and apparentlly..when im there im completely unresponsive to ANYTHING...

that probably isnt even healthy...
but yeh...

Helen...i know its horrible...im not a drunkard either...but we ARE taking about a guy who actually WANTS ME DEAD

MammaMia 24-03-2008 01:56 AM

Hmmmm, has he threatened you at all hun or said he wants you to be dead, to your face?

You certain aren't a drunkard :(

PM me about if you'd rather xxxx

Ileana 24-03-2008 01:57 AM

^^ Hah, thanx Reason... I have my world in my head as well (I'm inclined to think everyone does) and if I want to I can go in so deep that I'll be unresponsive to anything as well (by choice)...but I'm not alone so I cannot do that or I'll be disturbed and ****ed with until I come off it...and that bothers me 'cause once I am away I don't like to be brought back by force.

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 02:02 AM

aww im sorry to hear that :(
maybe you could...tell whoever it is that you'd rather be left alone coz you arent feeling well?
or go to your room?
my ideas suck :pinch:

Im Alexx btw :)

Ileana 24-03-2008 02:05 AM

Hi Alex, I'm Ileana.

...your ideas don't suck.

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 02:10 AM

haha they do an ickle bit :P

but i have a better idea...
stay here with us :]
we have a denial tent and hot drinks and a campfire and food and cuddles on tap...

plus...my doggie is still here (go back a few pages for the pic i posted)
and sometimes anothe doggie called Charlie comes too :]

We'll keep you safe in here...and if you dont want to talk then thats fine..
but if you do..we'll listen :]

I'll stop talking now :P

~*forever_broken*~ 24-03-2008 04:49 AM

*stumbles in to the denial tent and slurs*
I am so f**king drunk :crying: 62 oz of chick beer in 1 1/2 hrs... I'm probably only begining to feel it. Re-opened a slightly healde cut... It's pretty amaizing, not gonna lie... Some of my best work... Oh, don't think I told y'all here... My family knows about my cutting now... And I am in hell :pinch:

Damn, not looking forward to a good nights sleep... I never sleep well when I'm wasted. Oh well, I suppose as long as I don't bleed all over the place... Lol and I've got to make a counseling appointment tomorrow. Will probably manage to get in tomorrow or Tuesday. Boy have I got a lot to tell him. A cousin that ODd, three ODs myself this past week, my family finding out about my cutting and my drunken bing tonight...

I suck. Really. I do.

And I need stitches. *shrug* guess I'm gonna have an awful scar.

Sorry all, I'm drunk and evidently this is how I write when drunk.

:crying: I suck :crying:

Bte, thanks for letting me play with your dog Alexx.

*brings her cat Bat-Cat (affectionatly called Bat) to play*

Jetforce 24-03-2008 06:12 AM

*squeezes ally tightly*

Sorry, no words of wisdom but take care there and hang in tight :-)

look after urself plz xxx

effervescence 24-03-2008 07:00 AM

why is life so ****?? why does crap always happen to people??? *curls up in the corner and cries even though my eye is really sore maybe from too much crying yesterday otherwise it might be infected and it if is i dont want to know :s*

effervescence 24-03-2008 07:02 AM

and i ****ed up my arm so now i have to remember not to pull my sleeves up in case my floor RA notices. and i freaked my boyfriend out last night cos i was really suicidal while on msn to him. ****. *cries*

Jetforce 24-03-2008 08:18 AM

*hugs chloe*

Ur arm okies? Maybe u need to get it checked out, just in case

:-S that u freaked out ur bf...maybe u should explain to him that this happens and yeah, don't worry too much coz "i hope u stay safe" which, i think u will. Does that help a tad or complicates things more?

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 02:35 PM

*hugs Ally* im sorry hunni....argh..i wish i could think of something useful to saaayyyy >.< *hugs somemore*

Chloe....i agree with Jeremy(?) that you should try explain to your bf...it might help put his mind at ease a little bit and he'll know how to help you a bit better

Hello Bat-Cat :]

I feel icky today....this is POSSIBLY going to be another day where i cant face getting dressed...let alone cleaning up or going out...
I want a cuddle and a cry..but these damn meds stop me from crying....
*sigh* Counselling AND doctors tomorrow....yippee :pinch:
i gonna get told off TWICE for messing my arm....once is bad enough tbh...

Ileana 24-03-2008 03:07 PM

A denial tent...sounds interesting. I'm staying.

Pomegranate 24-03-2008 03:13 PM

*hugs everyone who needs it*

I told my manager earlier this week about my s/h and she was really nice, said she had guessed that I never really stopped. But I told her the real reason why I needed thursday off- for this minor op and now she wants me to go in and talk to her today. great. How do you say you don't know exactly how you feel but you know it isn't good and when it is slightly good, that you sabotage it because you don't think you deserve 'good'?

~*forever_broken*~ 24-03-2008 03:15 PM

*hugs Alexx*

I'm sorry sweetie, sounds like you're having a rough time of it. I wish I had more for you but atm I'm trying to ignore my hangover headache :pinch:. I'm not much good to anyone right now anyway. Still... *snuggles*

*sigh* didn't manage to get a counseling appointment until Thursday... No big deal but the doc is gonna want me to see someone after I get stitched up today so having an appointment today would have been easier :-( ah, well, it's my own fault for getting myself in this mess :crying:

Have I mentioned that I suck?

*retreats to the denial tent, wraps up in her fuzzy blanket and cries* *sigh* if only I were able to cry in real life :crying:

~*forever_broken*~ 24-03-2008 03:19 PM

*hugs Emma*

Well sweetie, to start, I'm not sure she needs all that information. You could (and I would suggest) probably leave out the sabotage part... Other than that I'd say just say it like you did here. It's hard for folks to understand but it's the truth, it's your reality...

Much love sweetie

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 03:23 PM

*hugs for Ally.*
*magics away her hangover headache*
its ok hun :]
and you dont suck!!!
*wraps you up in a big blanket and gets Millie to look after you whilst i go get food and a bath*
how sad is that? 3:25pm...and i'm only just managing to get breakfast and a bath....

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 03:25 PM

Emma i agree with Ally.
you dont need to tell your manager EVERYTHING...
Just start by telling her a little bit...
its like....building a bridge...you have to start at the basic stuff....otherwise it wont hold up....(that was a really poor analagy(?):/)

Pomegranate 24-03-2008 05:35 PM

Thanks guys *hugs* I just told her I was struggling and that this was my way of dealing with it. That I couldn't explain what was wrong because I don't know exactly what was wrong. Anyway, she was really nice and hugged me (I have known her for more than 3 years) and told me to call her if I want to talk and gave me Thursday off work and Friday if I need it.

*hugs Ally* and makes her hang over feel better. Hope your appointment goes alright.

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 05:39 PM

Glad to hear it went ok Emma *bug hugs*
you feeling any better now?

How are you feeling Ally?

~*forever_broken*~ 24-03-2008 06:58 PM

Glad to hear it Emma, I'm proud of you *hugs*

My appointment went alright. I wish they could just stitch me up without all the 'I wish you didn't feel the need to do this' concerned crap but I suppose that's just something I'll have to live with.

AND they didn't make me see my counselor today (which considering where it is and how deep I am still a bit suprised)... actually I am not sure how crazy I am about that. My appointment isn't till Thursday and last week really sucked (and included not only the cousins OD and my family learning I cut but a good handful of cuts and three over doses :pinch:).

*pokes at the denial tent fire and makes a tea tray*

Damn, uni starts again tomorrow... I'm not sure I can do this... which sucks because I HAVE to, I am supposed to finish this June.


Think I'll stay in the tent for the time being.

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 07:57 PM

*jumps on Ally with big massive hugs*
I wish i had something useful to say..but my head has gone blank..so i'll sit with you and give you company...if you want?

~*forever_broken*~ 24-03-2008 08:20 PM

*hugs Alexx back*

Thanks I could use some company...

Ugh, this is the worst cut I've had I think :pinch:

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 08:43 PM

Oh noes :(
*bandages and looks after it*

~*forever_broken*~ 24-03-2008 09:01 PM

*tackles Alexx in a hug*

lol it just hurts the most. I think it's the deepest I've ever done... And usually it doesn't hurt so much after it's been stitched closed... Hmmm, oh well...

Detour. Derail 24-03-2008 09:05 PM

psht :P *pokes you for tackeling me*
Have some chocolate ^_^
*hands you some*

MammaMia 24-03-2008 10:17 PM

Well done Em :)

Ily x

effervescence 24-03-2008 10:38 PM

hey guys. ally, sorry your cut hurts :( glad its been stiched tho.
alexx and helen, how are you??
thanks jeremy. my arm's ok i;m just pissed off with myself cos now i have to wear long sleeves and its hot today. gargh!! my boyfriend says he wants to know how im feeling, but i think i was a bit too down the other night, normally i censor it a bit. but i think he's ok, as far as i know anyway :s how are you?

Pomegranate 25-03-2008 01:58 AM

*hugs everyone who needs it* I'm sorry for being so crap supporting atm.

How do you know if you are having a break down or going crazy? I think I may have made myself crazy. I feel no real emotion, even if I do it feels fake. I keep thinking s'h will help but have work tomorrow so can't. Have been planning tomorrow night. I'd ask why I am so ****ed up? except I don't know, cant even remember why not to ask now or why I wanted to. damn. Can I have some hugs or something please? Sorry, please don't hate me for being such an attention whore.

Pomegranate 25-03-2008 02:01 AM

Oh yeah, and just realised it is another month before I next see my mental health co-ordinator- (who actually understands and helps!)and now over two months since I last saw my CPN. That may be why I am behaving like this. Seriously? What would I have to do to get someone to help me and make me accept that help?

effervescence 25-03-2008 02:18 AM

*hugs* i think the thing about feeling no emotion, or feeling fake emotion, is nt crazy, it's just a method of dealing with things we don't really want to feel.

MammaMia 25-03-2008 11:32 AM

Oh Em, I feel so bad for not texting you yesterday to see how you were, well you know I'm here if you want to talk.

I feel like I've barely read the last couple of days posts in here, maybe it's because I've been so busy the past three days or so, I don't know.

I'm sooooo tired, I had about 2 & half hours sleep on sunday night because I was so excited about going to Drayton Manor yesterday (a theme park). It was fun. A girl, that hates me told me on sunday that she wanted to get on wth me and stuff for that day anyway, and it's werid because she did. I felt like she paid me no attention at times, but I don't know...that brought horrible feelings out in me and it's not ****ing fair.

Yesterday, I feel upset here and there, and I really didn't want to. I felt like crying, but didn't because of my best friend...I didn't have an answer why I was crying if she'd known, so yeah...I went to sleep on the bus on the way home, well the bus back to Birmingham anyway and then we should have all been catching the bus home together. But we didn't. So Pilly (Matt- Hayley's boyfriend) caught the bus back with me (he needed the same one anyway)...I hate catching buses to/from Birmingham anyway, oh well gonna have to get used to it.

Arrrgh I'm gonna rant in my thread...

and then go back to sleep til the guys come to do my mum's car MOT =\

~*forever_broken*~ 25-03-2008 05:15 PM

*snuggles Emma*
Hunni I don't think that is uncommon at all. As a matter of fact I think a lot of us have been there. lol It's where I spend most of my time (much to my counselors dismay I think ;-))

How's everyone today?
*makes a tea tray with tea, coffee, cocoa, biscuts, and cake and passes it around*

My cut aches... It's weird, I've never had one bother me this much...

Uni started today... It's a mess, with me not in the classes I need to be cause there's a hold on my account till I get last terms balance paid (heaven forbid they use the extra financial aid from thsi term since I have no money to speak of) :pinch:

I really just want to go home and lay in bed...

C'est la vie.

*finds a corner in the denial tent and knits, denying all that is and needs to be done*

Detour. Derail 25-03-2008 09:54 PM

*huggles Emma* I agree with Helen and Ally...its just a coping mechanism hun...you'll get through it. We're here every step of the way.

Oh god...counselling AND doctors today...it was horrible. Dont remember much of counselling...she got this voice in my head to come out and talk to her and it was awful and hard and painful....
and the doctor gave me new, stronger meds to be taken twice a day instead if once a day and said if i feel in danger of OD-ing...to go to the hospital...but thats no help...because then I'd spend pretty much ALL week there...
In fact....i wanna go now...DESPERATLEY ><


zowie 25-03-2008 10:00 PM

*Hugs Alexx* Why don't you go to the hospital then? For your own safety. <3

I feel dead. I tried to drown myself in the bath and now I just feel like a complete fool.

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