*huggles everyone*

My house-mate had to go to hospital again today with chest pains. I'm feeling really guilty because I didn't go with him. My mood is down and I'm feeling really urgy - both towards SI and su. *sigh* Really, really hoping this will pass quickly.

*hugs everyone then disappears into a dark corner to sit, rock and cry*

Hayley, what you said makes sense... and I have gotten to the place where I was just a few days away from the semester being over & had to take a medical withdrawal from the whole damn semester, but that was in spring 2006, four years ago, and I would hope that I've made some progress since then... I REALLY hope that I have. Especially as I am in senior sem and will have to give this hugeish presentation at the end of the semester, as well as a hugeish paper (10-20+ pages)... that I haven't started yet!! And then other classes... gotta pull up my grade in advanced counseling to AT LEAST a B+ but I don't know if I can do it... other friends, even smart ones, are having the same problems in that class. I don't know. I'm thinking about not even bothering with an internship and doing an independent study instead. I really don't know. :(

I'm sorry that I am not replying individually, it just feels like too much right now. I hope that you all can understand. *cuddles everyone* :(

*cuddles everyone*

Seems in my state whilst sending that email yesterday about my job meant it got the wrong address, added an extra letter. Opps. Corrected it this morning. Start on Monday if I get it!! :O

Got myself into a right state last night. Meh. Never mind.

What job is it, Hels? *cuddles* And it does matter what state you're in, whether you feel like it matters or not. What's up?? *more cuddles*

It feels like I have a lot of people doubting my ability to stay in uni at this point... I don't know. It just is... well, crap!! I don't know if I can or not... but I am soo close to the end of the term and to me, uni is more important to me than my health. Especially this close to graduation.

:(

I wish I could just hide away forever and ever.

*cuddles April* It's a data entry job, lasts for two weeks (starting Monday!) and could lead into permanent job. Ahh!! Only know about it as my mum's friend/work colleague's husband works there :) Got into a right state last night about missing my baby & stuff. Just really hard & it always seems to hit me the worst when I'm on a low. Particularly when it's a really bad one like this. *curls up & rocks*

Oh sweetheart. Health should come first, before education. But I know how important it is to you & how close. I'm sure you can just about make it sweet? *cuddles* I don't doubt you fully, just know you're really struggling :( *snuggles*

Awh *cuddles* I'm sorry about last night, that I couldn't be here for you. :( Are you feeling better today? And that's cool about the job... I hope you get it :D are you working now at all? (no condemnation either way)

Yeh I know that health should be more important than education... but I can't, I can't, I can't!!! I have to finish out this year... it would be easier were I not so stubborn. Suicidal thoughts have pretty much taken up my mind... so hard to find room for schoolwork in that suicidal ideation-stuffed brain. :( I hate being like this...

I think I'mma post the email that I wrote to my pastor in my r/v thread... just because it expresses how I feel really well I think... and his response...

I feel like super ****. Just want to ****ing sleep!!!! :crying:

I don't have a job no. It ****ing sucks. I had a temporary one last December, but they couldn't keep anyone on as there's no jobs. Damm recession. So if I get this, it'll help hopefully. Don't worry about last night too much sweet? Don't really feel that much better to be honest.

*cuddles* Posting it in your R/V sounds like a good idea to help you. Please look after yourself sweetheart if you're going to get through last few weeks and graduate, you need to least try :( *cuddles*

Posted several things in my r/v thread, if anyone cares to take a look. Is probably sui trig but that's no surprise!!!

This semester is awful... I do need to take care of myself if I'm going to make it through but honestly I don't know how to take care of myself the best ways that I can...

I am so tired. And I have to be someplace in a bit so I can't go lie down for awhile or anything. REALLY want to SI... but don't want it to go too far...

:crying:

*Throws hugs about*
I'll probably post properly later , I have the urges pretty strong right now , it's taking a lot of effort to distract myself :S

*cuddles you both* Please try stay safe =)

Will try read your rant thread in a bit April

Doikers, want to talk about what's triggering you?

I just AM triggered, it's been like this for almost 2 weeks and not having harmed yesterday has sort of intenseified it , Does that make sense?
I'm online ,
Got music blaring ,
Been for a walk ,
Bought more fruit than I can afford but am planning to just eat raw fruit for a bit as I'm concerned about my weight.
In short I'm doing all I can think of to stay distracted but its HARD ugh.
So hard I'm not sure it's worth it , it's bound to catch up to me soon ......

Yesterday my nurse gave the advice to "Just Stop" , as if it were so easy. She also wants me to try harder so I put in a huge effort yesterday....

Well done, Mark, for putting forth a huge effort yesterday. That's awesome. :) It is so hard to quit an addiction like SI... so many of us understand. *cuddles up next to* Things will be okay... we will be alright... we're a tough bunch.

How you doing, Hels? *cuddles*

I'm a little better... cancelled my eye doctor's appt for today and rescheduled for sometime in May... not ideal but oh well. *sigh* But Jarrod is on his way home from work now due to me not being well and just wanting to sleep/escape from life/die... so yeah. That's good and bad. Means he's using up his vacation time (bad) but also means that I have support & accountability at home (good, obviously). So I feel kind of bad... but oh well. Am used to that by now...

Am drinking some cappuccino... hopefully it will cheer me up. :-/

Don't want to go to uni today.

*hides*

*group huggles all in ward*

I've just read through all the posts since I went to bed last night and as I read them I have replies in my mind but they won't stay there. I've just typed a long email to a friend. I think I may have used up my brain power for now. So I'm going to think about having something to eat (not eaten since 6.30pm yesterday) maybe that'll clear my head...

So yeah, I am thinking of you all and sending you comfort and support the best I can at the moment. *extra group huggle*

*cuddles Hayley*

*cuddles everyone else*

♥

I capitulated.
I cut.
To be honest I NEEDED too.
I hate to admit it but I feel better for it.
I KNOW in a little while I am going to beat myself up over it , I can already notice the thoughts forming.
But the urge, THAT horrible urge has lessened , although not entirely gone.

I don't know how to feel ......... I'm FAR from happy , Darn I can't think of the words again !

*Hugs borntobleed* I'm sorry you're feeling so awful :(

Borntobleed, hon, you really do need to keep fighting, because it WILL get better. I know, I know, hypocritical of me to say so when I myself am so close to the edge, but please, don't give in to the urges. Keep living, keep fighting, keep posting. You can make it. I/we believe in you... *holds you close* I'm sorry that no one around you has noticed that you have been withdrawn lately... people can be very oblivious much of the time.

Mark, I'm sorry that you ended up SI'ing... :( How are you feeling now?? (still relieved or feeling guilty, etc.?)

I'm so exhausted yet I can't sleep... I just tried. Hubby and I just got back from a looong walk into town to mail off a script for Klonopin and get lunch and chocolate (CHOCOLATE!!!! *shares Godiva gems with everyone in the room who wants them*)... so that might be what's keeping me awake, I don't know. I also just texted my NP to let her know that I made an appt with the SW that she had set up for me yesterday to talk with...

I don't know if I can do this. :(

April , I don't know how to feel still, I do feel guilty that I gave into the urge , I'm triggered again ( Although to a lesser degree so far) by I don't know what :S
I want to earn my one month free braclet again but that goal seems so far away from me right now . sorry to whine .

I am such an idiot..

*hugs everyone* sry im not up to individual replies right now.

Mark, love, you're not whinging. :) *hugs*

LauraStar, hon, what's up? *gently holds you*

I am an idiot for wasting 4 years of my life and letting myself be manipulated to the degree that i was... I'm almost impressed on how deeply pre-determined everything my ex did over the last 6 months or so. I am so angry, and for more than just what he did to me... screw me... he almost drove one of my friends to suicide by manipulating her into thinking she was trying to sabotage his cheating by being friends with me... God... He is such an as*hole... I am so stupid that i didn't see any of this... He didnt even man up and tell me himself why he broke up with me... i found out a month after the fact from someone else... I was to kick him in the face...

Sorry, rant over.

Awh sweetie... *gentle cuddles* I'm so sorry that he was so manipulative and shitty towards you, but please don't blame yourself for it. People like that are very clever at hiding what they do... it's not your fault that you didn't spot it. There will be someone else out there for you - someone better, much much better - keep that in mind. I know it's not much consolation now after 4 years of really liking/loving someone... and I don't blame you at all for wanting to kick him in the face. I'd want to kick him somewhere else, but we won't go there... lol. He didn't deserve you... you are worth so, so much more. Try to hold that close and tell yourself that when you're down on yourself. There will be someone else out there who will value you much, much more. *more cuddles*

*cuddles everyone and falls back to sleep*

Guess I'm not sleeping tonight then? :/

Oh & I didn't get the job :(

Awh Hels, I'm sorry that you didn't get the job. :( *cuddles lots* Did they say why not or was it just a "sorry, you didn't get the job" sort of thing?

I'm tired too... just lay down a bit ago but couldn't fall asleep. Wanted to though - escapism. Jarrod's home and he's dying of boredom, poor fellow... :( I feel bad. He's going to take a furlough if he can (unemployment here we come... but we'll still have health insurance) and I'm scared that he'll be bored awfully then as well. :( And it's for me, too, that he's doing this. Basically, home care. I don't know what to think...

Sorry, that was a ramble...

*hides*

I know.. i know all this... he was a really shitty boyfriend especially considering all the cheating and lying... it just sucks b/c i was just getting okay with the whole we broke up thing and was trying to kinda be friends with him... and then this gets dropped on me and i feel dumped all over again and way more pissed then ever before about it. I have to confront him about it.. im scared tho, b/c hes gonna make it to be everyone's fault but his own.

*cuddles helen and april* sry i was typing while u guys were..

*cuddles Laura and April*

Well managed to stay awake. My head feels mashed, so can't support much. Sorry :(

April, they said this "I have had a number of people interested in the role. I have offered the temporary assignment to a young lady who approached me yesterday. I will let you know if another position arises in the future."

Meh :/

*cuddles LauraStar* I can definitely understand being more pissed off than before... but you know that it IS his fault and not anyone else's. He's just a scumbag, if you don't mind me using the term... heh. I hope that you find peace in this matter. ♥

*cuddles Helen* Awh... I've never been interviewed for a job, really - have that "fun" coming up in the next few months probably - but I can imagine how disappointing it would be to hear that. Especially since you don't already have a job... stupid economy stuff. :( I hope that you find a job soonish... ♥

I am really, really tired, and I also really, really don't want to go to my soc class. Only thing on campus today and I have already been out, am exhausted and don't want to venture out again. :( I hate uni. I hate having to go to classes, especially because we have an exam in this class on Monday. And he said that it was going to be the hardest one. I got an 88% (B+) on the other one... I tied for the highest grade in the class. I should be proud, I guess, but I'm not... I mean, it's only a B+. :(

I just want to give up... :crying:

Updated - AGAIN - my r/v thread...

:(

Wish I could SI. Or cry.

*huggles mark* its good that you want to aim for your one month free bracelet again, but perhaps that is too big of a goal at the moment and can seem 'not real'?! You went a day without SI yesterday, perhaps just setting yourself a daily goal at first would be helpful? And then maybe you could look at the bigger picture as in, well I may not have achieved X amount consectutive days SI free, but I SI'd only half the week? Just an idea, so that you are reducing your SI but not putting pressure on yourself or feeling like a failure if you do one day free and then slip up. I hope that makes sense.

*huggles Em* (borntobleed - have I got that correct?) It's horrid when no one is paying you any attention and you are stuggling so so horribly and withdrawn. But please don't withdraw from us in here, let this be your place of peace whilst you gather some strength to keep fighting. You are just a babe in comparison to some of us in here (I clicked on user profile to check your name!), so we'll all have a few years of advice or more on life to help you with things, or to just offer supportive huggles when words are beyond us. Don't say goodbye to us, try to hang on.

*huggles April* I think you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I don't doubt your tremendous struggles that you're having at the moment, but what amazes me and shows me what a good strong person you are, is the advice and support that you're still able to give others at this time. I also hope the home care thingy with jarrod works out. I've no idea how things like your situation work in the US. As much as I have a moan now and again about the silly benefits system and NHS here in england, I would be lost without it. Street homeless and probably dead by now without healthcare. So hearing your struggles with prescriptions etc, makes me realise how lucky I am.

*huggles Laura* Its good to get angry and want to kick him as it'll help you heal. I know how you feel though when you find out someone who you loved wasn't actually the person you thought that they were and manipulated you - it taints all the memories and I know what you mean by feeling that you wasted the time you had together. I know its a cliche but time will heal, and you'll be able to look back on those 4years and be able to pick out things that you have learnt, experiences had etc that were positive and will be with you for the rest of your life. Also this very experience of the break up, although painful right now, will make you stronger and more aware so that for future relationships you are more prepared and therefore likely to find someone who truely deserves you.

*huggles Helen* aww shame about the job. I've never had to do job hunting thank goodness, I was blessed by jobs that I enjoyed from 16 when I was able to work. I've been signed off sick for nearly 4years now :( though at the moment I'm glad I'm not well enough to be looking for work - it'd be even harder. So I'm one less person to take up jobs out there, an extra chance for you! :) Just be patient and don't loose heart, everyone is struggling to find work at the moment so don't take anything personally.

me? pass.... next question....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

*cuddles April and Hayley lots*

Ah Hayley, you're such a sweetheart. That made me smile. Yes, I'm sure I'll find something eventually. =) Just losing heart, something will turn up I'm sure..

I'm glad I made you smile Helen - that makes me smile too! :-D

I'm getting all anxious about a phonecall I plan to do tomorrow to my father about, well, everything. I don't want to go into it now as Eoghan (ewan) is out drinking all night, which is why I'm waiting til tomorrow. Anyhoo, so its distraction time. World of Warcraft here I come!

*takes her geeky self to the corner of the ward and turns into a gnome!*

i am such a moron...
i missed 8 questions on my test... 3 of them i had written the right answer then erased it and put something else...
i still passed but still... such an idiot.

You're not an idiot, I promise *cuddles*

Hayley, enjoy gaming =)

Yey WoW... :D

The sad bit is that I don't want to even play that anymore. :( But gnomes rock. :D What class is s/he, Hayley?

I just want to sleep... :(

goes to a corner and rocks back and forth. cries my heart out. =[

*cuddles Helen*
I hate second guessing myself... that test lowered my semester average from an A to a B... 6 lessons to finish... hopefully I can keep my average from dropping more. (3 essays, 1 research based ethics eval and 2 exams on the court system) I suck at essays though so I've been procrastinating and over thinking them probably... and the books on the court system are soooooo boring I just can't keep focused on them... And I lost my Paralegal Ethics Rules book so I had to print the current ethics laws from the net to even begin this project... I have to get this finished in 4 months or I run out of extentions...

*cuddles Jill* What's going on, hon?

*cuddles Crimson* Sorry, no words of advice here, just cuddles... my brain's fried and I am utterly exhausted at the moment.

*cuddles Helen* How's your evening going?

I feel awful. Even "New Moon" couldn't get my mind off of me for awhile. That just sucks. :crying: I hate being so "full of myself," if you will have it put that way, that even a well-made and exciting film won't get my head out of my own arse. I hate it.

And I still really, really want to die. :(

sent you a pm scarletdreamer, sorry if thats too much, or triggery.

It wasn't too much or too triggery, Jill, just know that I won't be able to respond tonight. Sending you lots of hugs though - can't get my thoughts in a straight enough line to make enough sense to help you. :( But I'll try tomorrow. *big cuddles*

*hides in a really really dark corner*

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geVbSntnOd8[/ame]

Sorry if this is offensive to anyone who is not Christian, but I thought that the principles of it can be seen here in the site ("love never fails you")... and it's a positive song... so yeah. Hope you like it. :-S If you find it offensive, please ask me to remove it.

no worries april, please stay safe. big bear hugs if its okay.

I'll stay safe... don't worry about me.

And hugs are always welcome!!! :)

*cuddles everyone*

Havign a **** evenong but a good one too. My ear's really ****ed up at the moment. Can't hear that well anyway (am deaf) but like, I really can't hear out of my right ear clearly, it's like ringing most of the time (which my ears do) and yeah, all quality's ****ed. Don't know how to explain it. But it's really distressing :(

*huggles everybody*

Sorry no individual replies but there's been 2.5 pages of posts since I was last in here and I just can't keep up.

I crashed out on the couch last night after getting a phonecall from my housemate saying he'd be on the next bus home. He sent me a text about 30 minutes later and I was fast asleep already! I only woke up when he unlocked the security door. I was supposed to have started dinner and done all sorts of stuff. :(

I still managed to crash out last night until after 9am this morning. And then went back to bed until 10:45.

I have to go to the shops and pick up my mobile phone that I took in as it was under warranty and the battery kept dying. Seriously I could make like 1 phonecall and then, if I tried to make another one/got another one, it would just die mid call. And it was less than 6 months old. So they've replaced the battery and updated the software. I've been using a really old phone so it'll be nice to have mine back again.

*hugs everyone, leaves a plate full of kit-kat's on the table and disappears into a corner*

Sorry I have no individual replies , so many posts to catch up on
Next week I'm at my parents house while they 1) Take my sister and Bro in law to Birmingham to get Bro in laws permenant Visa , He is from The Gambia and they have a child together , they met while my sister was in Africa last year , so romantic ,awwwww , so I'm dog sitting and 2) for easter , we don't really DO Easter but we are just spending it together. I'm already freaking out that I won't get the privacy to S.I. and planning ways to S.I. in my mind , I have to be really secretive and quick , *Sigh*

There's a whole lot I want to type out about how I'm feeling , I'm really low and I feel selfish for being low with my Brother in laws Visa request stressing out the whole family .

*Group Hugs*

*group cuddles*

Where to start, where to start...

Hels, I'm sorry that you had a bad night last night... are you feeling better now? I hope so... :( I hate thinking of you not feeling/doing very well, although I know it's a more common state than not for most of us here. *hugs tightly* Take care of yourself, okay?

Mark, that is a sweet story about your brother in law and sister. :) I hope that he gets his visa... and I hope that you won't find a need to SI then, because sometimes quick & secretive SI'ing can be worse than the opposite. *curls up next to* I hope that today goes better for you than yesterday or the day before that... how are you feeling? just low? Oh, and please, please, PLEASE don't feel selfish for feeling low with what's going on with your family... we can't really control our moods all that well at times, so don't beat yourself up over that. Easier said than done, I know, but please, try. *hugs*

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you're so exhausted. I am too... went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 6am today... so tired. I will probably be taking a nap sometime today if I can get away with it... it's an escape, I am aware, but at least I can escape somehow!! That sucks about your phone - I hope that they fixed it. :) How's the depression? still hanging about? *hugs*

I cried last night. I honestly didn't think that I could but I did. Jarrod made me by "playing chicken with a freight train" - being cold and unsupportive on purpose just to let me get the tears out. Not the best tactic, I will admit, but it worked. I didn't feel much better after crying though... so I don't even know why I bothered. Crying is so stupid... at least, for me to do. :( Hypocritical I know.

*sigh*

I still feel like ****. I want to cry, but it didn't help, only made my contacts dry. I want to take a hot shower but we're supposed to be conserving water (I think). I want to play WoW all day but I have an exam that I need to get done... and a paper to write... and a whole bunch of other crap that I need to get done. :(

I don't know what to do either... there are unresolved issues in Jarrod's & my marriage and I really need to do something about it... just more stress added to what I already have to cope with. I'll manage... but it's just sad, I don't know. I wish that I could be perfect!! :(

*hides*

hey guys, sorry i havent replied,havent been able to get online. i didnt take the pills....but i did cut. a lot. hope youre all ok? *hugs*

Heya Nicole... *hugs* I'm glad you didn't take the pills but I'm sorry that you cut... :( did you take care of the wounds at least, I hope?

I'm really tired but can't get to sleep. Want to cry but can't. Want to feel better but can't. I feel so stuck.