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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

PoisonedApple 26-01-2010 04:20 AM

*walks in crumples into a heap and cries*
why is it the more i help people the more i get screwed over? all little things but they pile up and swallow me whole.
and why do people like to make **** up? someone keeps telling my husband that i'm upset about this or that and this bothers me or that... and some stuff does bother or upset me but none of the things they have said are the things that bother me. so they're telling him things to mess with my relationship... even the things that do upset me i haven't told anyone so wtf? and i don't know who's saying it and he won't say... and right now all i want to do is run and lock myself in the bathroom and hurt till the pain, and frustration is gone...

Imaginary_friend 26-01-2010 11:13 AM

thank you *hugs everyone*
my friend had a massive go at me last night...well, not a go. she told me that she's really worried about me, and she cried herself to sleep the other night because of me. she said she wasn't going to tell me because she didn't want to stress me out.....but she did. and now i feel even worse because she's worried about me. and i can't do anything about it. it's not like i'm doing it on purpose.
*lies down and wishes to sleep forever*

Scarletdreamer 26-01-2010 11:45 AM

*peeks in*

So many posts... sorry can't respond right now as have to ring my parents up, but I will try to do so later. Thinking of & sending love to you all!! ♥

downnunder80 26-01-2010 12:05 PM

really need help, dealing with some serious custody issues and really can't handle this right now, please if there someone who can help, pm me, i cant cope

MammaMia 26-01-2010 12:50 PM

Arrrgh :(

Scarletdreamer 26-01-2010 01:33 PM

What's up, Helen? *cuddes*

And downunder, I'm here if you need to talk... but I don't know much of anything at all about custody issues, sorry. :(

I'm feeling "meh." Went on a "spending spree" in WoW this morning (in-game gold) and now feel bad about it... oh well. :( I'll re-earn the gold doing quests & dailies, so I guess I oughtn't worry about it. Heh. It's just a game, after all. But it does reflect me IRL I guess... I've been spending a lot lately and I don't know how to control it, easily anyway. :(

I don't know HOW to feel actually, **** it all, because if I'm not sick, as my therapist said, then how am I supposed to feel? Jarrod said that I can feel not well but not sick at the same time... which didn't make that much sense to me...

I think I'm going to go write in my venting spot. :-(

[Awakening] 26-01-2010 04:50 PM

Oh my, so much!

I can't catch up properly. I feel drunk but i've not even had half a drinkl lol. I think its just my mood (apathetic) so i apolagise for spellings and typos.

*hugs to everyone* I'm sorry so much is happeniog in everyones lifes :(

I've been searchuing for a cause to my depression for so long and i think ive found it. I think its because my dad was an alcoholic. he wasnt abusive but it affected me anyway.
Anyhoo this is a break through but i still feel sh*t and nwo idk.

I want to get off my face tonight

Ive got to see my son first then im gna take him back and get bladdered and escape.

Oh thats the other thing, me and my cousellor discovered a theme of escapism through my life.... food for thought

love u all, welcome newbies (if there are any)

talk soonx x x x

Imaginary_friend 26-01-2010 08:34 PM

i wanna cry. and i can't. i actually physically can't. i'm absolutely shattered and i've ruined everything. again. i'm such an idiot and i hate myself. i want to sleep. i want to be sedated and i don't want to feel like this.
*curls up in a corner to cry*

MammaMia 26-01-2010 08:52 PM

Really dont feel well :(

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 01:16 AM

*cuddles LauraFriend, Helen, & Joc*

Wish I could help you, loves... :( ...but I'm feeling pretty **** myself.

I'm going onto Depakote soon - have the script, just need to drop it off at the pharmacy - starting at 500mg. Anyone have any experience with it? (divalproex sodium) Also will be increasing my Abilify from 20mg to 30mg... because of the white noise that's been in my head off & on. Yey for being psychotic... :(

And I still feel **** because of that therapist thing. I did text her today & ask her if she intentionally wanted to make me angry, but she replied & said that she was just trying to challenge some of my cognitive distortions. GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!


[Awakening] 27-01-2010 01:19 AM

*finds april and squishes*

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 01:19 AM

*squishes Joc back*

Am off to bed I think... before tonight gets much worse. :(


MammaMia 27-01-2010 02:02 AM

*cuddles everyone lots*

brndedhero 27-01-2010 02:55 AM

*hugs for everyone* I hope everyone feels at least a little better soon.

Looks like it's yet another night of not sleeping, I have things that need to be done tomorrow as well, though I have had things that have needed to be done for a while but I keep putting them off. Oh well.

Any tips on how to get some sleep, or at least something I can keep myself occupied with whilst I can't sleep.

risenfromperdition 27-01-2010 03:05 AM

*curls up in corner*

risenfromperdition 27-01-2010 03:06 AM

wont be on from thurs-sun btw, am doing a service trip w/ uni- but my email's on here [or fb if you have it] if you lot need me.
love you guys

PoisonedApple 27-01-2010 05:55 AM

enjoy your trip :)

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 12:38 PM

Good morning everyone...

I am really struggling with a uni assignment that's due today... ugh. It's scoring a bunch of assessments about myself (like the Beck Depression inventory - I scored a 49, and anything above 40 indicates extreme depression) and I don't know how to score some of them. :( I feel really stupid. And as I said, it's due today so... I am going to have to SOMEHOW get it done before half past noon, when it's due. :(

And I feel like purging... stupid me... I hate myself so much. :(

MammaMia 27-01-2010 12:47 PM

Try not to purge sweetie and those tests are stuipd. Just don't think about it maybe when choosing your answers?? *cuddles* I usually score 'severe depression' when I do similar ones online, doesn't mean I *do* have it!! Although I did one or two for my doctor and got moderate anxiety/minor depresion or was it the other round and he didn't do anything *shrugs* This is turning into a pointless post, so big cuddles.

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 01:00 PM

*cuddles Helen* How're you doing today? Yeh, I know the tests are kinda stupid, but I have to write a 1-2 page paper on how I scored & one of them I can't find in my packet!! I scored all the rest of them but the SF-26 I can't find, and I don't know if my packet is missing it or if I am missing something... :( feel so stupid!!

I need to escape into a book or WoW or something... but I can't, I need to do schoolwork, damn it all!!!!

Jetforce 27-01-2010 01:02 PM

*hugs* the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI) is only a scale used by health professional, mainly psychologists to give them a guide to level where to start treatment. It is also used in trying to see whether there is any differences after therapy, hopefully an improvement.

Anyway, u need a health professional to assess u and come up with a diganosis, which does not happen in just one session, rather numerous sessions with that health professional. On another note, depression is just merely a label to give the health professional an idea of what types of treatment may benefit u.

Anyway, enuf about the lecture. Go see somebody, a health professional and seek assistance. Hopefully, he or she may help u feel less depressed.
Take care there :-)

MammaMia 27-01-2010 01:04 PM

*cuddles April* Jem has very good points there :)

I'm feeling okay, I think. Going out in a few minutes, so I have to be really...

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 01:07 PM

I know that it's used by health professionals & all, and I'm not using it as a diagnostic tool - I've already got diagnoses, plenty of them, don't need or want any more!! heh. It's an assignment - I've got to do the BDI as well as a bunch of others then discuss in a paper how I scored on them, what my psychological/social weaknesses/strengths are. It's kind of an interesting assignment but kind of stupid at the same time, I dunno. :(

I'm so exhausted!!

Helen, where're you going out to? :) *hugs*

[Awakening] 27-01-2010 02:23 PM

*hugs all*

I'm so triggered right now. I don't want anything except self destruction :-(

I might have a nap to try to take my mind off it but I really want to ruin myself right now. I've just had enough and want to crumble completely :-(

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 02:42 PM

Awh Joc... *gentle cuddles* Why are you so triggered? is there anything that I/we can do to help? I understand the urge to self-destruct, have it at the mo myself, but can't/won't do anything to give in to it... it's so difficult.

I think a nap would be a good idea... *more cuddles* ♥

I'm working on uni stuff... an assignment on ethics. Have to post about it in a moment... not looking forward to that as it bends my brain a bit and I hate that!! I emailed my health psych prof about the SF-26 so hopefully he'll respond in time for me to do it prior to lab... eek. :-X I don't want my first lab assignment to be lacking but I'm afraid that it will be... :(


Imaginary_friend 27-01-2010 03:02 PM

*hugs everyone*
I'm so sad everyone's feeling rubbish :(
I hope you all feel better soon.
I'm still really tired, despite a fab night's sleep...I need to do some work but I always end up doing the stuff I like first. 's probably a bit of a mistake because I'll end up with a massive pile of stuff I hate/don't understand, and not enough time left to do it.
*hides in a corner with a blanket*

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 03:05 PM

*hides with LauraFriend*

Have a ton of stuff to do myself... don't want to do any of it!!!! so sick of uni. Just want to up & quit but can't as I am so close to being done with it...


*disappears for a bit into her mind* :(

Imaginary_friend 27-01-2010 03:09 PM

same! *hugs april* i tried sorting out what i'm doing after uni yesterday....and it's scary! i'm kind of excited but i dunno what's gonna happen really which makes me worry about it, and then i cant concentrate and it's all a vicious cycle. *sighs* it WILL be ok. it WILL be ok....*hums to herself, rocking back and forth* lol

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 03:23 PM

*more cuddles for LauraFriend* I feel so stuck... I hate uni so much, heh, but I will get this stupid assignment done!!! :( I just won't get the best grade on it as I am missing one assessment & it's a pretty major one I think... dunno... it's the first assignment & I'm feeling rubbishy so yer. Going to have to talk with my profs about how I'm doing... which is not so well.

Am still angry at my therapist... don't want to see her but will be going back on Monday. It's just not fair!! that she can be so "mean" but be intending to challenge my "cognitive distortions" - how is it cognitive distortions if I am actually having flashbacks & urges to purge and cut?!??!

I think I need to post in my R&V thread... :(

shadowedsoul 27-01-2010 04:19 PM

curls up in corner under a blaket. i feel so numb, and completely lost, no idea how i should be feeling, sad angery he is my granda, but he a complete arsh. **** cant do this . cyrs

[Awakening] 27-01-2010 04:32 PM

hows the work going april? any progress? *squishes* sorry this is so bloody tough right now, be gentle with yourself. In future could u pretend to do it about urself but actually base it on someone elses answers so its not so personal and difficult for u?

I'm sorry ur so angry as well :-( did ranting help? could u try destructing something? like a piece of paper or a plate or something to get the rage out?

*hugs shadow* sorrry my brains mush and i cant remember ur name sweetie. I'm sorry ur feeling like this. I can relate to how ur feeling though :-( Family members are still human and therefore can be arseholes like the rest of us. Idk what happening or anything but im sorry and you can do this! You are stronger than u feel, u can get through this patch *wipes tears and offers chocolate* x x

MammaMia 27-01-2010 04:39 PM

*sends everyone cuddles*

Am back, getting annoyed, they haven't activated my new phone and it's already been 24 hours, hurry up you bastards :(

SoMuchMore 27-01-2010 06:09 PM

*cuddles everyone* sry there have been a lot of posts since yesterday.. and i dont have capacity to respond to everyone.. but i read them all and am thinking of u all.

I just want things to get easier.. It feels so dumb that they aren't

Scarletdreamer 27-01-2010 06:38 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Jill, I agree with what Joc said. Family members are still human & can still be arses. I'm so sorry that you've been through so much lately, though... is there any way that you can take a little bit of time for "me time"? just to relax & treat yourself to something special?

Joc, I got everything done (almost) that I had to get done... urgh. I hate uni... heh... I know I keep saying that & I also know that I need a better attitude about all of this, but it's so ****ing hard!!! I am still angry & destroying something might help, but I'm not sure what. My NP was not impressed with my therapist's way of viewing me at the mo. Ugh. I definitely need to post in R&V. I'll do that after this post.

Helen, that sucks about them not activating your phone sooner... but it's cool that you got a new phone!! Which one is it/what does it look like? I have the "old" flip-phone, got it in Sept. 2008 so it's a bit old but still works like a charm. :)

LauraStar, I wish that I could do something to make things better for you... :( I really do. IS there anything that I/we can do? what's so bad? anxiety? *gentle hugs*

'Kay, going to my venting spot... :-X

shadowedsoul 27-01-2010 08:40 PM

sorry guys, but iam i wrong for feeling this way. my granda in hospital he has caught some viris and his kiddneys are not working and he has a bad heart, my anuite has said he getting worse, but i dont know mabye he needs to get worse before he gets better. but i feel noithing but anger, he treated us like **** for months and months, god i sound like a cold hearted bit*h, curls up in corner and crys

MammaMia 27-01-2010 08:50 PM

It's Samsung S5600, had to ring them twice before they'd help and it's finlly working now :D

Imaginary_friend 27-01-2010 09:13 PM

hope everyone is feeling a little bit better *hugs*
I'm not going out. i have no distractions and i can't talk to my friends. I want a drink so bad and I swear i'm not an alcoholic. i want to hurt myself and i don't want to feel like this. sorry.
*hugs everyone and sits down to cry*

AMCarmody 28-01-2010 03:51 AM

I had stopped harming for 6 years.

Today, I relapsed. And I'm still ...

Kahlia1981 28-01-2010 04:38 AM

i'm back from hospital ... in the same shape that I went in. They did jack-diddly-****ing-squat and sent me home suicidal. Isn't our health care system great.

SoMuchMore 28-01-2010 05:41 AM

*cuddles kahlia* im so sorry that they didn't help you. Try to stay strong hun.

*hugs annie? (is that ur name?)* don't think of it as a relapse. 6 years is amazing. It was just a slip up. Try to learn what triggered it and move on if u can. Hope you are alright.

*hugs laurafriend* sorry that you are having such a bad time right now.

*hugs helen* glad that ur phone is working now. I love getting new phones :-)

*cuddles shadowedsoul*

*hugs april* i read your venting spot. I'm sorry that you are so angry right now. Try to relax, do something nice for yourself.

So my friend that i had the spat with over the weekend is speaking to me again.. sort of... We are very very cheerful to each other (too many smiles... it feels fake) i think we are both trying not to upset each other. Still tho, my boyfriend has been trying to "fix" her situation.. and it just can't be fixed.. and he is spending all his time on that.. and i dont want to be selfish.. but ive seen him a total of maybe an hour in the past 3 days.. and they are getting to talk to him 24/7... idk maybe im still being stupid.

AMCarmody 28-01-2010 11:46 AM

That's our name, Annie, yes. We don't know what to do ... we're going insane, we don't know how to hide arms and legs from Partner ... we see him tomorrow ... he suspects nothing and we don't know how to tell him Annie is one body but many inside during an episode, never herself, and then there's the cuts ... we're screwed. In so so so much trouble. That just makes us spiral further down.

Scarletdreamer 28-01-2010 01:57 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia, so sorry that you got rubbish help!! That sucks so much. I hope that you feel better soon, keep posting on here if it helps. *gentle hugs*

LauraStar, how're you doing this morning? Sounds like an uncomfortable position with your boyfriend helping another girl - maybe talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you uncomfortable? Open communication = one of the best ways to keep a relationship going. *hugs*

LauraFriend... I wish I could help you more. :( I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time at the mo... keep posting - if it helps - then we can support you.

Helen, awesome that your phone is finally working. :D I can't wait to get a new one whenever... heh... not soon but perhaps this coming fall/winter? I dunno. :) How're you feeling? any plans for the day?

Annie, 6 years is amazing!! Don't look at it as a relapse, just a lapse or a slipup. You will be fine & will make it... *gentle hugs*

Jill, you're not a bad person. If someone's treated you & your family awfully there's no doubt in my mind that you would hold some harsh feelings towards him/her. Especially if s/he is a family member, like your grandpa... *gentle hugs* Hope things get figured out soon.

If I missed anyone, I'm sorry... :o

I'm doing okayish. Have to leave for uni soon as I'm walking... no ride today as my dad had a doctor's appt and my car isn't working right still (I don't think, anyway - I'm going to be taking it in on Tuesday). GRRRR. Thankfully it's only about a mile there so not too bad. I just don't want to have to transfer all of my stuff to my backpack, what a pain in the arse!!

Still angry at therapist. Ugh. I hate being angry but at least this time I'm really FEELING it...


MammaMia 28-01-2010 02:20 PM

*curls up and cries*

Not doing so good.

[Awakening] 28-01-2010 02:30 PM

Jill, I don't think its healthy to be as angry as u are but its normal and i dont think that is wrong. i think its a stage u have to go through before dropping and forgiving them. U can still hate what they did but love them. du see what i mean. give urself time and try to relax like April said *hugs*

Helen, yay for the working phone! Why aren't u feeling good whats up hon?

Laura friend, I felt the same way last night and did something that ended up making me feel really ill and horrible. How did u get on hon. Are u feeling better now?

Annie *hugs* Im sorry that u relapsed but its part of recovery. I relapsed after 3 yrs because i hadnt delt with the underlying issues. How u doing sweetie? Does your partner know anything about what ur going through? It might help to tell them if u can? Are u seeing someone who u can tlk to about it?

Kahila, I'm sorry that they didnt help :-( have u got a home treatment team for a while or something? Ur health system sounds v similar to ours!

April, have u tried my idea? I always want to do it when i get angry but end up hurting myself instead :-/ Sorry u have to walk, what a pain! I hope uni goes well. I'm glad u got most things done!

Feeling crappy after taking stupid meds (not my own) last night to try and make me sleep. Had a bad reaction to them, i feel reall sleepy but not able to sleep and slightly ill and sick and agitated :-( i should have just drunk. Silly Jocelyn! I dont really know hwat to do with myself. If i feel as bad as i did last night tonight i'll just want to die again :-(

MammaMia 28-01-2010 02:33 PM

I actually can't do much right.
Missed two interviews this week. I fail.
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I am.
Maybe everything won't be alright after all.
Can we just roll onto last week of February please?
Because then I know I will be happy.

[Awakening] 28-01-2010 02:38 PM

It's ok to miss things sometimes. Its ok to relax sometimes. It's ok to 'fail' sometimes. None of us our perfect and we need to be gentle to ourselves. If i told u all the things ud just listed were true of me, that id missed 2 interviews, that im not strong, that i cant do anything right, what would u say to me? U probably wouldnt be as harsh as ur being to urself. We have a tendancy to treat ourselves very different to others.

try to do some things to make urself happy now. treat urself or somthing?

*cuddles Helen and offers a pedicure*

Scarletdreamer 28-01-2010 02:48 PM

*cuddles Joc & Helen*

Joc, I haven't destroyed anything (yet) OR hurt myself... so I think I'm doing okay... just been writing it out, I guess, and talking about it some with my husband. It's kind of tough but I will manage. I am stronger than I think, perhaps... I don't know. I don't know how to cope with anger though so it's not really going away... maybe I do need to rip something up and let the anger flow through my hands into that action. I don't know.

I'm sorry that you don't feel too well. :( That sucks. *hugs*

Helen, I agree with what Joc said... if I or she were to say those things, how would you react? We're much harsher on ourselves than we are on others... so try perhaps & give yourself a break? treat yourself to something nice - just take a little bit of "me-time" to get yourself back on track. *gentle hugs* I know you can do it, and that you're not a failure, and that you ARE strong. ♥

Oh, and what's the last week of February? *curious*

Am at uni now... walked here, woohoo, in about 40 minutes - pretty good time considering how cold it is out & how much I was carrying... lol. I brought homework to do during my tutoring hours (starting in about 45 minutes) and then my stuff for classes (health psych & advanced counseling techniques). Blah. My neck hurts from carrying so much... heh. :-X Ooh, just cracked it so it feels better... :P a little anyway.

I don't want to beeee here... :( I hate uni so much... just want to be done!!!!! :ermm:

MammaMia 28-01-2010 03:27 PM

Too true, we are much harsher on ourselves.
Thank you two *cuddles to you both*
April, last week of Feb, is when I shall be visitng my best friend J

Scarletdreamer 28-01-2010 03:30 PM

*cuddles Helen* Awh good, I'm glad that you have time to spend with a close friend. :) Hopefully it is a lovely escape-y time for you!!

Are you feeling a bit better now, or still shitty?

MammaMia 28-01-2010 03:40 PM

It will be.
It really will be.
*cuddles back*
I still feel **** but a little better?

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