*curls up in corner sleepily*

Helen, can you text me when you see this. I just need somebody to talk to. I feel so lonely. I miss him already :'(

Still haven't really gone to sleep hahaha >_> Oh wells.
Vicki, have texted you, but was awake then and thinking of texting, godammit.

Nor me Hells. What a bunch we are!

Aye my dear

Aw loves, I'm sorry that you didn't get any/much sleep last night!! I just got up after sleeping since 7pm (got up a little before 6am), lol, not to rub it in your faces or anything... :( I really hope that you all manage to get some sleep soon... Joc, I'm sorry that those sleeping pills are rubbish. I got put on Sonata, Lunesta, & Ambien CR (not sure their other names) - not all at once, hah - when I had horrific insomnia in spring 2007. That's really been the last time that I've had REALLY bad insomnia.

*cuddles Kahlia* Why is the medical treatment so **** where you are? That's really rubbish... I hope that you get some help at least, and I'm glad that your tdoc responded to you. :) That's good... having open communication with your treatment team members is important. I wish I could help you get better... I couldn't believe it when you said how many times you've attempted suicide. *gentle hugs*

So we have two Lauras in here, Imaginary Friend & Fallinstar0317. How do we want to resolve this so it doesn't get too confusing? :P

Laura ('star) I'm glad that day 3 of classes went okay with you... sorry your head's aching though. Hope you managed to get some sleep last night!! *cuddles*

Emma *huggles* how you doing?

I'm really tired (believe it or not)... today I don't have anything until 1:30pm, so I have the morning to relax & do schoolwork, alternately. I don't want to go in to uni at 8am which is when my dad would pick me so I'm going to see if my mum can drop me off when she takes their oldest dog in to the vet's for fluid (he's dying of congestive heart failure & is very triggering [ED] as he is emaciated really badly). Anyway, so yeh, I ought to be around today more than yesterday or Wednesday!! :) So that's a good thing...

I'm listening to Steven Curtis Chapman now... good songs. Light Christian rock, relaxing. Not usually my style of music but he has a really good song on there about his daughter, called "Cinderella." :)

Anyway, I'm feeling okayish this morning. Right now at least... it feels like there is a dark cloud hanging over me though... :(

*sneaks into the denial tent with Kahlia*

I'm in the denial tent too hehe.
Much better in here =)
*cuddles* Glad you got good night's sleep.
xxx

urgh. i need to put somewhere so i don't do stupid things and get myself into massive states like last night. bad, bad night.
*crawls over to a corner and cries*

:( *runs over to Laura and huggles* Do you wanna talk about it, hun?

*prods April* :O OHAI!

I'm feeling okay right now. :) I had an appointment with an ED specialist, and I was terrified, but actually, there was pretty much nothing to be scared of. She was lovely. :)

Writing alot of songs!

Love to all. :)

it is confusing having 2 Laura's in here isn't it...hmm...meh. lol
i just...bad night. i do stupid things when i'm drunk and last night my friend tried (and succeeded) in stopping me, but i still feel bad that she had to do that. we were shouting at each other for ages, and she totally shouldn't have found out about some stuff like that.
i'm such an idiot
*sobs into a blanket*

Awh Laura (IF), I'm sorry that you had such a rubbish night last night. :( Getting drunk isn't usually a good thing to do... but who am I to say that, heh, as I've never gotten drunk. Just heard that bad things can & do happen then... despite how "good" you can feel. But maybe today will be better & you can make reparations if you need? *gentle hugs*

*cuddles Helen* How're you, love?

*huggles Franz* OHAI? Please translate... lol. :P I'm glad that the appt with the ED specialist went well and that you are writing lots of songs... :) You should post some of the lyrics in the creative corner.

I knew it, I knew it. As soon as I really woke up, I started feeling like crap. So here I am, sitting & being sad & quiet, wanting to cut, knowing I can... I don't know. I'm just a mess disguised as a person. :( I want to be better, yet I'm scared to be... I want to get over all of this, yet I don't know how... I am so sick of my life but I don't know how to change it.

*cries*

i get drunk a lot at the moment. it makes me feel better. for a while. until i do something stupid and someone shouts at me. or the morning after if no-one stopped me. hmm...apparently no-one's talking to me since last night...well, they haven't replied to any messages so who knows. maybe they're just busy. here's hoping.

*cuddles Laura*

I just posted in my thread in the main Vet's support forum... :(

*hides away forever & ever*

XD OHAI! = OH HII!!!

Ahh I see... Franz, you are a silly goose!! :P *cuddles* How you doing this morning?

April: :P I'm good! Just sat in college, working on my tribute song for The Rev. :D I'm so proud to be an A7X fan.

I haven't cut since Sunday either, so I'm happy about that as well. :')

Ah cool. :) Congrats on not cutting since Sunday... I just cut. :( Stupid stupid me.

I want to hide forever & never have to come out... :ermm:

I'm happy :o but very tired >_<

*curls up in a ball*

can it be over now please?

*cuddles*

I know it hurts so bad right now, but it WILL end. I promise. Love you Vicki.

*cuddles* everyone

maybe we could have laura star and laura friend?? silly but u know

My girlfriends really struggling with food atm. I dnt know what to do. She keeps getting really anxious. She said she's too fat too have an ed which is such a lie (but she cant see it) shes in the healthy brackets of bmi (at the lower end even) Any advice? support?

Love u ladies (and fellas if any venture in!)

x x x

I know someone who has that problem :( It's hard, but ANYONE can get an eating disorder. Useless reply but heh >_>

I shall be disappearing soon, heading up north to see my sister, she doesn't know we're coming. It's her birthday tomorrow but she's busy. So we're suprising her tonight instead. =D

laura- hi! im the other laura!

hmm.. idk what we should do about this 2 laura business lol... i guess u could always just add an M onto the end of my name if u want.. thats easier then typing star everytime if u are replying to me.

*hugs april* dont hide forever! sorry to hear that u just SI'd. *cuddles*

*hugs franz* good job!

*hugs vicki*

*hugs jocelyn* sorry, i dont have much advice about your gf situation. Just make sure she knows u are there for her and don't feel like any of her troubles with eating are your fault.

*hugs helen* sorry you didnt sleep well again hun. have fun surprising ur sister!

I dont have class on friday's! woot woot! but i have so much work that i dont think that will matter lol. Oh well. Had a very interesting conversation with a friend last night... let me just say, history for me is very repetitive.

*hugs everyone*
haha Laura does your surname start with M too?! haha how funny. lol
i don't think my best friend is in a great mood with me tbh...she still hasn't replied :'( i **** everything up. all the time. especially when i'm drunk.
I"M SUCH AN IDIOT!
:'(

Wish I could believe you Hells. :( - I just want him back :(

*Hugs everybody*

Jocelyn - A really close friend of mine (practically sister) is in the same place. Except she's underweight, and there's nothing I can do for her. I hope you manage to help her see sense, but I'm here if you need to vent or anything.

Laura, what's happened hon?

i just want someone to hold me until i feel better. and i wish it could be him. but it can't. and it can't even be my best friend because i'm an idiot and shouted at her. basically i wanted to go back to this guys house, and my friend knew it was a bad idea so she tried to stop me. she did stop me after about half an hour of shouting at me in the road. why did i do it? why didn't i just lie and then go anyway? or not have done it in the first place?*hides under a blanket and cries*

*cuddles everyone*

LauraStar :D is pretty I think. And LauraFriend is nice too.

*huggles LauraStar* I'm sorry that you have so much work!! I have only one class on Fridays, which is amazing... lol... but I have 2 hours of tutoring prior to that class, so that's not so amazing (I'm the tutor). At least it's paid... heh. And I do enjoy it... it's just that it can get tiresome sitting in a box of a room by myself (or with other people, which makes it cramped & claustrophobic) for that long. At least it's not 3 hours each time this term, like it was last term... heh.

*holds LauraFriend gently* I know it's not the same... but hey, it was worth a shot!! heh. I'm sorry that you and your bestie are in an upset with each other... hopefully things will get straightened out. Maybe don't get drunk so much? just a thought, I know it makes you feel better in the shortterm but maybe it's not really worth it? *rocks back and forth*

*huggles Helen* How are you doing?

*hugs Vicki* I wish I could make things better for you, love... sounds like you are struggling so much right now. Is there anything that I/we can do?

Sorry if I missed anyone...

I'm doing meh. Had lunch out & really want to purge now... damn eating disorder!!!! *sigh* The purging urges disappeared for awhile after cutting - I mean, I actually ate something & didn't want to puke it up... heh... but then they returned. :(

I have half an hour before I have to go to tutoring, so I will probably go there early after I finish browsing these forums... and sit & do sociology homework. Heh. Fun. Then soc class, then home for the weekend!! Woohoo... homework time. :(

My car still isn't working (I don't think). I'm going to try it out, see if the EPC light still comes on when I turn it on and drive it a bit, and if it does, I'm going to call a garage and see if I can drop it off on Wednesday. I've been getting rides to & from uni with dad/bestie, so that's been good. GRRRRR...

*hides*

Awh Laura, everybody makes mistakes hon. Especially when it comes to things like that. I'm sure it will blow over, you just need to give it time. In terms of wishing it was 'him' holding you I know that one so, so much. There's just nothing that can compare to that. I don't know who 'he' is or what happened but I'm sure it'll get easier. *big hugs*

Thanks April. Yeah, I'm struggling quite a bit. You guys are doing an awful lot just letting me rant and being here for me, but short of getting him back for me, making me keep my job and have some money then there's not really much else you can do. But thank you :)
Sounds like you're having a bit of trouble yourself. I don't really have experience in ED's so I'm useless in supporting on that one, but if you ever need to just talk/rant or anything I'm always listening. x

:( I want to be better, yet I'm scared to be... I want to get over all of this, yet I don't know how... I am so sick of my life but I don't know how to change it.

heh you sound like me april :/
*hug*

*cuddles with teddy in corner* tireeed.

Ugh. I am really anxious right now but I don't want to "give in" & take a Klonopin... I really need to learn coping skills for anxiety... but it's so difficult!!! I don't know if any of you guys here have anxiety disorder(s) but they suck... panic disorder, whatever you want to call it, that's what I've got. *sigh* I feel panicky right now and there's nothing I can do to calm myself down really except reaching out for help or distracting myself... and both of those are difficult things to do!!

I see my therapist on Monday... :-X I'm nervous. I don't know what we'll be talking about but I'm sure that my feelings about this semester will be covered in the session. No one seems to understand that IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I AM EXTREMELY CLOSE TO GRADUATION, I STILL FEEL LIKE ****!!! (sorry for the caps... :o) The fact that I am nearly done with school (for now - grad school is going to happen in the future) doesn't help me feel any ****ing better about myself or what's going on in my head.

*cries quietly in the corner*

*hugs laurafriend* haha i cant believe that you are a laura m too..
Sorry things are rough between you are ur friend right now.

*cuddles april* yes getting paid is always good lol, even if it is tiresome. I think i would get frustrated if i tutored people. And i def understand about anxiety, it really really really sucks. Can you maybe try to explain to ur therapist how u feel about school and whatnot?

*hugs vicki*

*hugs heather* I understand what you mean about wanting to be better but also being scared to. It makes me feel so torn.

Got all the paperwork done for my new job. (So nervous about it btw). Im the new web editor for one of the labs on campus. I want to be a web designer for a career if i ever make it that far.. so this seems to be a good first step. Its funny how well adjusted and happy i can seem about thing on the outside. My friend told me the other day that when he was upset he thought he was covering it up well but several ppl commented that he looked down. He wondered how i did it (he knows about some of my issues). I told him years of practice heh. I tried to make it a joke..

My boyfriend is also trying to push me to get more involved and do more so that i can get into the grad school i want. But he isnt doing it in a way that is helping. He keeps embarrassing me infront of our friends. He keeps saying things like "you dont try hard enough" and whatever.. but its kinda like, im already insecure about my major in front of our friends b/c they are all engineers and think that they have to try harder then anyone ever... i really dont need him making me feel even more stupid. I told him this today. He says he was just trying to push me and that hes sorry it upset me, but he really doesnt understand why im upset about it. I love him, but sometimes it really sucks that he cant understand the way my mind works, even though ive tried to explain over and over again.

LauraStar *cuddles* That job sounds cool, but I don't blame you for being nervous - it is a new job, after all - I don't think that anyone, or many people, go to new jobs without being at least a little nervous. :) But I'm sure you will do fine!! It will definitely be a good experience for your future job.

I'm sorry that your bf isn't being very helpful. :( My husband pushes me sometimes but backs off when/if I tell him that that's not what I need from him atm. I don't think that guys can really and truly understand how we females think (we're complicated!! lol) unless you're together for years (i.e., married for 50+ years). Then they might get an inkling. Haha. My husband is still mystified about how I think sometimes, or by things I say, etc... it's rather funny actually. :P

I'm feeling okayish tonight... really exhausted though but it's Friday night, woohoo!!! Tomorrow will be homework day but at least I have a break from classes. You know, I really prefer having all of my classes on T/Th. That way I have a break from classes... this term's schedule I don't get any breaks. :( Really, anyway. Grrrrr.

I'm listening to Natalie Grant right now... not my absolute favorite kind of music, but it's got a good God-message in it. :) And I need to hear that more frequently than I do. It's kind of pop music, and I'm usually into more the hard rock/goth rock music, I dunno.

*wants to go to bed*

i like natalie grant's lyrics, but no so much the songs themselves lol

on wed's when term starts up... i have class from 10:20-5 :/ [i actually didnt plan that... sod's law that it'd be when im actually CONSIDERING eating normally >.>] and til 2 on m/f... but the dining hall stops serving proper lunch stuff at 2. SO i'll be having salads and sandwiches every mwf... hell if i know how im eating lunch on weds... which im kinda glad bout but i do wanna get better i think so i kinda not glad bout it but UGH.

(y)

Boo I got back 20 minutes ago. Am shattered. Will hopefully sleep tonight, have to be up in like 9 hours or so >_>

*cuddles Helen* Back from where, love? and I do hope that you got some sleep last night as I noticed that there were no posts since last night. How're you feeling this morning? & how are your best friends doing?

*hugs Heather* I understand the eating dilemma... but here it's okay for me to eat in class - so maybe there too? As long as it's something quiet (like a sandwich) and not something like chips or anything in noisy packaging. I hope that you figure something out... I had a term like that last semester, can't remember now exactly how it went but it was 5 75-minute classes on T/Th with no breaks in between, starting at 10 I think & finishing at 5:15... so yeah. :( It sucked, but it was nice having MWF just to myself & tutoring. :)

*cuddles everyone else*

I'm kind of meh this morning. Have a lot of work to do. Took the Beck Depression Inventory a few days ago - have taken it for several classes but this score was the worst, got a 49 on it and anything over 40 points indicates "extreme depression." Yurghhh. I don't want to report that to my prof. I also got a 415 on a stress scale & anything over 300 means that you're likely to develop stress-related physical problems. Oh joy. (This is all for health psych.) But the 49 on the BDI is the highest I've ever gotten... I think the highest before that was 41, and that was last term in Theories of Personality (where my prof told me to consider anxiety/depression as PART of my personality - i.e., they are permanent & can't/won't be changed :-(). ARGH!!!

I think I will go on WoW for awhile after checking up on other threads here... need the escape before breakfast & the real world. :(

Wow we had a quieter night :D

When I said I was back, I meant from my sister's. We travelled up north last night to suprise her at her birthday meal :D It's her birthday today and she was supossed to be going out in the evening. So we went last night. I definately got sleep. Took me til 4am, but can't complain too much. Got a bad headache though :( Got to go out again in a bit to a meet aha!! Emotionally doing good still I think, will probably crash tonight :P My best friends, well J's doing really well :) G, not so well, her and her daughter aren't very well =(

Can today just be over please???
my mam and dad dont even realise what day it is
He's been gona a year
WHY WHY WHY

*hugs Rainbow* I'm sorry todays such a difficult day. Is there anything you can do to make it easier? Would you like to talk about it? x x x

thank you for all the hugs and stuff

*hugs everyone*

I'm so tired. i hardly slept last night for stupid STUPID reasons. i am an idiot and i need to be kept away from certain people until i learn to not give them what they want all the time when i know it'll hurt me more.

*collapses in a heap to sleep*

curls up in ball and crys, stuiped people.

*holds those who are struggling especially much*
*cuddles to everyone*

Rainbow, sorry it's such a tough day for you... is there anything we can do to make it any better? even just a smidgen?

LauraFriend, I'm sorry that you had a bad night. :( I hope you get some good rest today/tonight... ♥

Jill, what's up, love?

Meh. Just had a talk with Vince (personal trainer/friend from WoW that we visited in early January) and he said to call him or another friend before I cut next time. I'm not sure if I will actually do it... I don't know, I hate bothering people, but... it's probably a good idea - especially if my NP and/or therapist aren't responding. :-X

So tired. It's been a busy morning... went out for breakfast then did laundry, came home, and I did a bit of schoolwork. Did some at the laundromat as well. I don't have a tonnn that I have to do by Monday, but I do have some... so I really best get cracking on that. Only problem is, it's a confusing assignment. :-X

:crying:

thanks guys - my grandpa has been dead a year now - and they promised it would get easier it doesnt - it really doesnt - then to top it all off i have a funeral next friday for a 22 year guy that i was friends with like 15 years ago - but i still have to go and i cant i jsut want to leave and go away and not feel pain anymore.........................


*curls in a ball in the corner*
Just throw a blanket over me - i'll dissappear to work soon

one of my freinds have been feeding me bull*hit storys, and like a muppet i belive them. im struggling the past week, being wanting to hurt myself badly. and now i got let down badly by someone else. i have enough now. just want to curl up and dissapear. =[

*crawls into tent and curls up*

*Pulls everybody into the tent so we can all cry together*

*curls up next to Vicki & lets herself cry for the first time in awhile*

*Holds April while she cries and offers to listen if she needs...*

Wish I could cry. I feel happy but I bloody want to cry.

Thanks Vicki... *hugs* Things are just rubbish now between my ears, want to purge & cut but can't do either, don't know what to do about schoolwork, feel overwhelmed, just want to give in... :(

*cuddles Helen* I understand that feeling... well, as well as you can understand any peculiar mix of feelings. You can cry here if you need... or talk... we're here to listen. :)