*hugs Kiera* Yeh, I've been anorexic (not DSM-IV classifiably as I didn't lose my periods) but now it's turning into bulimia... urgh. I know that purging really isn't good for you but it's so hard to resist. :( I feel like such an idiot. :'(

*gently hugs Alexx* I'm sorry that you're not doing too well at the moment. Care to talk about it?

*huggles Kahlia* Aw, psychosis is never fun. :( Trust me, been there done that. Not attacked myself though... are you okay? have you talked with your GP/psych about this? I'm glad that you moved - wasn't it stressful in your old flat? Sorry if I'm getting you mixed up with someone else!! :-/

I'm a little better today. Worried about the Christmas food but as my parents know what's going on, they won't be angry with me if I don't eat too much. Whew. It's just my immediate family, me, and my husband. :) Should be nice.

So tired. Got up at 6:10am today but yesterday got up at 3:30am... stupid me. Urgh.

*sends cuddles out to Franz*

I don't want it to be Christmas. I don't want to pretend that everything is ok, well I pretend every day anyway. I just want out of life.

^^ I understand. *gentle hugs* Can't say I understand everything that you've been through and are going through, but I can understand wanting out of life. I am so sick of living, so sick of how I keep going in cycles of better and worse and worse and worse and better... but anyway. Sorry for the tangent. If you need to talk, I'm here. *more hugs*

I'm feeling kinda rubbish right now. Ate lunch and it was only small, but I don't want to purge AWFULLY right now, at least. Probably because I only feel half full. Ugh. I just want my brain to stop messing me up. :(

*hugs April* - yeah psychosis is never fun. I don't know how I am actually. I see my GP on Tuesday morning. *sigh* Yeah the old place was pretty stressful, I would have been evicted if I'd had a psychotic episode or some other signs of my illness...

*hugs Lindsay*

*hugs everyone*

Well it's Christmas morning and I feel like sh*t. My housemate went back to hospital yesterday. I don't know how he is. His mother said when she gave me an update last night that if he was released then he would spend the night at their place and regardless of whether he was released or not she would pick me up at 12 today to either go to their place for christmas lunch/dinner or to the hospital so that I could see him. Very stressful ... But I'm still really glad that she thought of me and how things would be stressing me out.

Merry Christmas to anyone who can accept it - if not just forget I said it. And I hope you are all going to manage to get through the day in the best way possible.

Kahlia, glad you're seeing your GP soon. :) I'm sorry to hear about your flatmate... that must be rough. I hope that he'll be okay and that you have a Merry Christmas... must be odd having it in the middle of summer!! (right?)

*hugs Kiera* That's awesome - way to be positive!! :D I hope that you have a Merry Christmas also. :)

I'm doing, well, not great. Overate at supper just like I knew I would, not too much support here or privacy for my husband to talk with me... wrote a thread on the ED board about how stuff is here (parents' house) so maybe you could check that out if you have the time?

Christmas Eve right now... am looking forward to tomorrow. Gahhh. Hope it's better than today...

*hugs everyone*

Well it's nearly the end of christmas day (yes April in the middle of summer). I've had an okay day but right now I just feel bloody awful. I accidentally allowed my flatmate to see the scratches on my chest from the other night when I went psychotic ... I just want to disappear right now ..

Aw Kahlia... *gentle hugs* That sucks. Maybe you can explain a bit to your flatmate? because generally just leaving it be doesn't work. You won't get thrown out of this flat if you go psychotic, right? (and why was that "rule" in effect at your last living place?)

Christmas morning here... no snow... snow 1200 miles further south & rain here - which is totally messed up!! - boo hiss. I like white Christmasses. It really hasn't snowed all that much here. :( Things are going okay... I'm really beginning to wonder if the Abilify is causing my eating disorder to "act up." I doubt it but it's just a nagging thought in my mind. :-/ It probably can't do that, but you never know, I guess, how a med will work on a person's brain chemicals. Gahhh.

Last night was horrid. I wrote about it in that thread in the ED forum, don't want to take up too much space here. I'm feeling a little better today... but it won't last, I don't think. (Geez, I am SO POSITIVE!!!!)

Anyway. *hugs everyone and leaves some calorie-free fudge for those who want some*

Morning all ... well it's morning here anyway ......... if you call 4am morning.

April - I've had a chat with my flatmate and he knows that I've been doing it tough in relation to my psychotic symptoms and my tendency to selfharm - although in reality I've now made it to 1 year and 4 months SI free, except for a couple of slips and the attack when I was psychotic. He's going through hell as well at the moment.

It's boxing day here and I've been awake now for 4 hours. It's been raining solidly for most of the time. An hour ago I gave up even trying to sleep because I had just been tossing and turning. I don't know if it was my head, or the rain, or what. I should explain, where I live it hardly ever rains, something like 1 year in every 4 we get a wet season/ Thankfully in this flat we don't have to bail out water ever time it rains. Last summer the house we were in kept getting flooded so we did have to keep bailing water. You couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time or the water would reach the bedrooms - we rented the underneath of a house as student accommodation.

Oh, and there's nothing to say that we'll get kicked out of this house if we go psychotic. The last place we lived that rule came into effect because our landlord (who also lived in the house) was terrified that it might scare his fiancee and so on and so forth. He kicked my flatmate out for having a psychotic epidsode and I left before it could happen to me.

Anyway I'll stop rambling. Good night or good morning depending where you are in the world.

*hugs everyone*

I really need some support. I'm feeling so suicidal but i'm not going to act on it, which is the worst part. I can't do anything to hurt my brother but I just want out of here and it's not because of the time of the year.

Ahh I see. That's an odd rule to have at your last flat... heh. Glad it doesn't apply where you're living right now... and congratulations on making it that far without SI'ing!! That's awesome. I made it for 581 days without cutting, but SI'd once in awhile (and I conveniently forgot about that last bit until just recently when I read old journal entries). That was back in 2006-2007... started back up cutting in winter 2007 and haven't quit since, nor counted days again. I thought I was going to be rid of it for good then, guess I have no hope left. :(

It's raining here too... very weird as it's the middle of winter. It's supposed to snow!! heh. I hate - HATE - brown Christmasses. Oh well. :-/

I don't want to drink anything. I don't want to!! *fights healthy part of self as well as her husband* I've not drunk a lot of water today and I need more if I want to lose this water weight. I have a VitaminWater next to me but I don't want to drink it... arghhhh... for f**k's sake why can't I just be normal?!!?

rules like that are awful!!!



A while back we lost a flat when the landlord found out about my alters and made the argument that technically that meant that we were breaking the lease by having children in the flat :ermm:







also... *waves* hi... I've never really used this thread before...

What?!!!????!!!!
He needs to ... something.

Welcome to the thread, shadow. :) Good to see you here. And that rule is effing ridiculous!!! So stupid. :( *hugs*

My tummy hurts. :(

*sigh* :(

*hugs Jet* What's up?

Not feeling the best myself at the mo... but just got some new clothes that actually fit the way I like them to fit... so that's good. :-/

i should be happy but i'm not.....meh oh well, *sigh*

*hugs scarlet* how u doing there? i'm glad ur clothes fit, i bet watever u bought looked nice on yah

I've never been here before, but I really need a safe space right now...

*curles up in a corner*

runs in curls up under some blankets in corner. argh **** please dont make me face this. please my freind cant die. i i i can loose her,please god no. please dont take my feind away i cant handle that .:ermm: :crying: :crying: :crying:

*goes and hugs you really tight*

thanks canis. this sucks i knew this was coming,but i was hoping it wouldnt happen. i cant handle it if she dies,i cant lose her. life sucks.up in my room close to tears. family down stairs. cant be happy now. **** please god dont take my freind,please

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in :( I'm so sorry this is happening to you... *hugs some more and makes you your favorite tea*

*gently cuddles Shadowedsoul* Do you want to talk about it at all? If so, that's fine - here is a place for being safe, for venting, for just calming down if you're upset. Talking about it may help, and I know that we are pretty good listeners. I'm so sorry that you are going through that right now... sounds like you definitely don't need to have to cope with that (if that made any sense!!)... *more cuddles*

*hugs Canis* Welcome to the thread. :) Nice to see a new face. How are you doing today?

*hugs Jet* The clothes I bought were actually guys' pants - one pair of camo and one pair of Wranglers, so I'm not sure if they look really great. Haha. But they are comfy, and that's what matters. Went shopping again later today - after Christmas sales - and bought some shirts from Hot Topic (punk/goth store) as well as a dressier one - a thermal, lol - from Gander Mountain. I was tempted by the Life is Good stuff (http://www.lifeisgood.com) but it was wayy too expensive, $35 for the shirt I wanted. I was NOT going to spend that much. We also got shooting gloves there, so I can target practice in the winter. :)

Anyway.

So I'm doing alright, I guess. Was too distracted at the mall to want to purge although I do want to now... boo hiss. I really hate these urges... :(

*hugs everyone*

*hugs back* Better now... had a reaaally bad fight with my fiancee over basically nothing... *sigh*

*scares the urges away for you*

thank you, dont really want to talk about it, dont handle death very well. just want to be little again. and hide pretend this isnt happening,sorry being a selfish bit*h and needy. im sorry

*hugs you some more* hey... you're not being selfish, it's okay. if you would like to talk more private, feel free to pm me, okay?

The fights over nothing are always the worst. Been married for a bit over a year now and that's what I've found out. At the end you both feel stupid and neither wants to admit that s/he is wrong.

*holds shadowedsoul* You're welcome. Don't worry about talking about it... just take care of yourself the best you can, okay? *gentle hugs* And you're not a selfish person at all... just one who is struggling right now. I'm here if you need to talk as is Canis.

thankfully we both accepted we were being stupid and it's mostly okay now... still makes me feel bad because I'm having so many outbursts in the last week or so...

Awww. Yeh, that's pretty much what you have to do, both accept that you were both being stupid. That's happened to my husband and me a lot... heh. But we've learnt and are doing a lot better now (not that we were ever doing terribly, it's just that it takes time to learn how to argue properly). When are you and your fiancée getting married?

*more hugs*

Yeah, I noticed that... we've been dating for five years now and we're only starting to argue decently without blaming in the last few months...
We actually wanted to get married next year, but there were some financial troubles we couldn't forsee... So... as soon as we have money for a decent wedding. *sigh*

*hugs back*

Aw. My wedding was only 7 people (including pastor, me, and my then fiancé)... didn't want the huge hoopla or anything. Ended up getting married in the middle of a semester - over fall break - which worked out quite nicely. :) I'm glad we did it that way instead of paying for a wedding dress, cake, caterers, etc., etc., etc... :-/

Grrrrgh, I'm eating a protein bar right now because I need to (I'm supposed to be getting a HUGE amount of protein per day and I'm nowhere near that now) and I super really want to purge it... feel so ****ing full and nasty. *cries*

Oh, that sounds nice, too. I mean, as long as you were happy with it, it's okay. ^^
My girl has her eyes set on a certian wedding dress, so we'll have to wait at least untill we can afford that... I want everything to be perfect for her <3

*huggles you* hey... you can do it and I promise it's okay. :-)

Aw, that's so sweet of you. :) I hope that things work out perfectly for you both.

*huggles back* I don't feel like it's okay... and I really am sick of food. Thing is, it's starting to taste better... which is a bad thing because that means I want more of it!! which brings on bingeing urges. *cries*

Thank you a lot. :)

okay, that sucks... I don't really know what to tell you, sorry... :( *just huggles some more*

You're welcome. :) I know how stressful it can all get before a wedding... just make sure you have some of the planning done a year or so in advance. :P

Yeh, it's hard to know what to say to some things... sorry... but thanks for the huggles. They are much needed. :) *huggles back* How are you doing now?

*hugs everyone*

April - the binge(eat)/purge cycle is really hard to get out of. My eating disorder ended when the docs put me on risperdal for psychosis. It took away my ability to feel full so instead of having this little tiny stomach it kept growing... and so did my weight. I've only recently been able to gain back some control. Anyway I'm talking too much about me. Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from, you put just a little bit of food in and then the brain triggers the "I want to purge" stuff. Nasty. *hugs you*

My housemate really isn't doing well. The hospital took him off all his medication on Christmas Eve because a) his lithium levels were high and b) they suspected that the Seroquel was causing his chest pain by atrophying the muscles in his heart and chest. Yesterday he walked around the flat wearing nothing but two socks and one shoe. I had to keep stoppping him from going outside .... something I eventually gave up trying to do but tried to keep him from walking down the street. Last night I went to bed and just managed to fall asleep (I have serious sleep difficulties) and he woke me up. He kept me awake all night. He was worried that if we went to sleep we wouldn't wake up in the morning. It was really weird. I think he was hallucinating because he kept staring into the corner of the room and talking about what he could see.

It really doesn't help that I'm not in too great a way myself. My mood is really low and I'm regularly hallucinating. The lack of sleep is seriously not helping. *sigh* I'm just not sure what to do.

*finds a really dark corner to lay down and try to go to sleep in*

*gently hugs Kahlia* Sounds like you've been through a rough time, and are going through a rough time. Have you talked to your flatmate's doctors about the problems that he's been having? It seems like an awful lot of responsibility for you to have... hopefully things will improve soon.

I was on Risperdal but it didn't do anything for me. That was back in 2005, when my ED was REALLY bad. The b/p cycle is awful... I still haven't given in, but neither have the urges. I wish that they would just go away... I hate WANTING to stuff my face but not being able to do it. The same with purging. I went out to dinner tonight and I want to purge so desperately... was worse when I was more full... but it still is AWFUL. :( I wish that I could fight better, be better. I'm going to have to work fulltime - if I can find a job - next fall, so I'd better be able to handle stress etc., especially in my career field (psychology/counseling).

Gahhh. I am going to terminate care with my nutritionist next time I see him... because I don't think I'm recovered enough to take his advice. I'm trying, I really am, but it's so hard!! Some people might think that terminating isn't a wise choice, but... if I start taking better care of myself (i.e., exercising regularly) and also if I buy a scale that tells you how much fat/lean muscle you have gained/lost, I know what to do from there. Kind of. And I really don't like how my N and my personal trainer totally disagree with each other. :(

*sigh*

*needs hugs*

*hugs April* - only you know what is best for you in relation to the nutritionist hun. I wish I could say more .... I just want you to know that I know how hard it is to recover from an ED. And especially the b/p cycle. *hugs you again*

I haven't said anything to anyone except you guys about my flatmates current issues. He's making sense again this morning .... but, yeah idk.

*hugs kahlia and april and everyone else that needs one* Sounds like both of you are having a hard time. I hope it gets easier... sorry i don't have many words... but I am barely holding it together right now. I just wanted to stop in and say hi and offer hugs.. I can't concentrate very well, i don't know. I'm At family's house "celebrating" christmas... I hate long weekend family get togethers... they are hard to deal with and a tad boring... and I think im depersonalized. Anyway, I know I'm rambling... sorry.

Kahlia, I know that only I know what's best... and I really think that I'm not ready for his guidance. I can't follow it. I struggle so much. Maybe if I don't see him and set my own, smaller goals, I will do better? Yet at the same time that sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially now. Oh, I don't know!!! :'(

Laura, love *big hugs* Try to take good care of yourself, as best as you can, anyway, okay? Family get togethers would be hard for me too, too many people and too much food and not enough privacy. Do you have any plans for the week?

*hugs everyone*

*Sits in corner and stares at nothing*

I would cry but I can't cry anymore. I have cried for the last three hours.
The One person I cared for more then life itself Died. I don't know what it will do with out him. He practically freaking raised me and he leaves me =(
I fear I might do something drastic

*hugs april* You should do what you feel is best. I know it can be confusing. Be sure to talk to someone though and take care.

*hugs deathdancer* I'm so sorry you feel left. Stay strong hun.

I don't have any plans for the week yet... hopefully figuring out new years stuff and getting away time from my family. I havent SI'd yet... even tho i really really want to. Bad things keep happening. One of the people that I care about so much and trusted, no longer cares to even talk to me. It hurt more than i thought it would... i should be used toit by now...

*gently hugs Dancer* I'm so sorry to hear that... it must be so difficult!! Is there anyone else in your life that you can rely on for help/support? Please don't do anything drastic... you don't need to. Take care of yourself the best you can... he would've wanted you to.

*gently cuddles Laura* You sound pretty fragile right now, love. Please try not to SI... it's not worth it. You're worth so, so much more than a scar. Is there anyone that you can talk with about how you're feeling? I'm sorry about that friend... what happened? any idea? or did s/he just suddenly quit speaking with you?

I'm not doing too well. Just ate (most) of my breakfast, am working on an Ensure right now. My husband is being more forceful than usual about me "frontloading" - getting a lot of calories in at the beginning of the day - not violent or anything, just a little frustrating, because I thought I had enough food but he "made" me eat more. :( And now - you guessed it - want to purge. But honestly, I think I can do this without my nutritionist. Need to speak with my NP and therapist about this, though... :-/

Today, church maybe, then over to my parents' house for lunch. My aunt - mum's younger sister - is over for a few days, up from Texas, so that should be nice. She is diabetic and has a sweet lovely golden lab that helps tell her when her blood sugar is low. :) I hope that her dog and my parents' dogs are getting along okay... heh. Their dogs are 13 and 11 years old... my aunt's lab is 7ish. So yeh, big difference in age. But the 11 year old dog, a sheltie-black lab cross, acts like a puppy... so they should - should - get along. :)

*cuddles for everyone*

*crawls into ward again in big bubble to protect everyone from chicken pox, waves miserably...*

Hihi again......

Aww Franz, you have the chicken pox? *cuddles inside the box, since I've already had it*

So that's why you haven't been around... or have you been avoiding me? :P Hehehe... *hugs*

I'm at my parents' waiting for them to get home. Heh. My aunt is over and they went to church and probably out for coffee... dunno where they are now, though, as my mum told us to come over between noon and 12:30pm. And it's 12:30pm right now, no sign of them. :-/

*hugs everyone*

I dont visit here very often but thought id pop in a wish everyone well
Sprinkles glitter and jelly beans xx

*hugs Grace* How you doing today? :) Thanks for the jelly beans, I'll take the sugar-free kind. Hehe.

Family showed up about 2 seconds after I posted that last post... good. They didn't say what took them so long though... hmmmm. But at least they're here now. My dad, husband, and I are going to go target shooting after lunch too... that should be fun. :) I'm still pretty awful with my gun, but I DID hit the target on the first shot I ever took with it. :P

*hugs to everyone*

*hugs everyone* I hope you're all ok and safe in here. *offers lots of calorie free chocolates and coffees to all*

Hey Scarlett... how's your girlfriend doing? how was your Christmas?

Lunchtime, urgh... :( Hate food atm.

Ummm... *thinks*

Oh well. Brain's dead right now. Hope you're well. :)

She's doing much better. She was discharged on christmas eve and has been over all feeling better. Christmas was lovely, stressful but nice at the same. I ate way too much and i'm praying for a tummy bug now to shrink my bulging stomach back to size!

I think it might be time for my addmission now though lol ( i wish anyway!) She doesn't seem to need me much right now which is good but a little hard all the same. Plus its my time of the month so im a little everywhere atm!

How are you doing? How was your christmas? x x x

I'm so scared, I need to die.