I don't think I can stay alive for much longer.

Why why? :(

And April (Bwahaha, profile ninja...) Don't feel bad about wanting to purge. D; My parents fed me a fry up today, and I ate half of it before deciding that it was really too much... >.< Then spent the rest of the day trying not to be sick. They're like, "You seem spaced out and distracted, what's up?" Uh, I'm a whale. Whaddya think's up?
xxx

*looks around nervously*

Umm... hi?

I haven't been here in a while and I'm not sure if anyone even remembers me.

*sidles up to BoundNoMore*

*offers teddybear*

I are slightly new to this thread, so hihi! :)

One step closer, what's up, love? *big hugs*

Haha Franz... my name is right under my screenname... at least, I think it is!! It should be... :P But yes yes, you can call me April. :) Nice to know people's first names. It makes the forums more personable.

What's a fry up? And yeh, had lunch over at my parents' and didn't even manage to eat a whole quesadilla before feeling like I had to, well, you know. :( So I held my husband's hand and all. I had to go to the bathroom after eating so I had him stand outside of the door. Silly me. :( And I'm sure that you're not a whale. *hugses*

Hi Amanda *hugs* and welcome to the thread!! I'm relatively new to it as well... but that's fine. How are you doing today?

Appt with my NP went okay... although she said that she is concerned about the urges to purge. I can understand that as they have pretty much blindsided me (you'd think that they'd be gone somewhat now that ALL my stress is gone?)... I see my N on Wednesday and I'm effing SCARED. :( She (NP) thinks that seeing a nutritionist ("N") is vital to my recovery. I happen to disagree... I mean, I could get one of those scales that show % of body fat and lean muscle, and take care of myself. (Yeah, right... well, I could with the help of my trainer!!)

Anyway. We're going out to eat in a few hours... oh joy. MORE FOOD. And today I got the urge to binge... for one of the first times. I hate myself so much... :(

Nuuuh, don't hate yourself April. Even if you don't feel beautiful on the outside, from what i gather you're very beautiful on the inside. :) You have a gorgeous personality. :)

I did the bad thing. :( I'm babysitting and they left me pizza, which I ate, then.. >.< Yuck yuck.

There's a pic of me in one of the picture threads, on page 10 I think... just posted it last night. Hrm but I really do think I'm ugly, outside AND inside. :( And I don't think that I have a good personality either. But that's just me being biased. Maybe.

Rofl, just noticed your sig. Thanks for putting me in it... *blushes* Never been in anyone's sig before. I feel special. :)

I don't think that there is any point in me seeing my N anymore. I'm not ready to recover, plain and simple. (LOSER whispers the voice in my head) I can't stick to his meal plans, I can't lose the weight I've gained, I can't exercise enough... I just CAN'T. And my husband thinks that I just need to apply myself more to it... he doesn't get EDs. And I don't think that anyone who's never had an ED will ever really understand them.

*sigh*

Hey Franz, how old are you? Just curious. :) If you don't want to say, that's okay. It doesn't really matter anywho.

Awww *hugs* that's rough about the pizza. Don't know what else to say but I'm sending you hugs!!! How old is/are the kid(s) you're babysitting?

Blah.

my psychologist is making me see a psychiatrist. she keeps saying i should and gave me numbers to call. was procrastinating and she just pulled out her phone this week and called one and passed it to me. i have to go this week now. i'm so afraid to go. they put the appointment about an hour before my therapy this week. :(

18. >.< So I am legally allowed to be on the Vets bit, as it's for 18+.. D; Oh dear, now people are going to be like, "Wtf are you on? You're a child!" Though apparently I've been told I'm quite mature for my age emotionally, even if I act like a 5 year old on a sherbet trip...

And the girl is 10, the boy is 4, 5 on Dec 25th :) They're sweet, even if the boy woke up at 3:00 this morning to complain that he had a tummy ache and to give him medicine... >.>

Mind you, £60 for me. :D So i'm good!

And Cheryl, if you don't feel up to going, give them a call and re arrange it for another day maybe? I don't think that having them in the same day will be particuarly good for you... Good luck hun, keep us updated. xx

Cheryl, I actually think it's good that you have your psych appt before therapy, because then in therapy you can process how you feel about it, how it went, etc. I don't know though - therapy might be too tough for you to have them on the same day. However, I know that it helped me to be able to talk with my T about how things went with my first appts with different psychs. So it depends, I guess. Just an idea. :) *hugs*

Franz *hugs* aww 18... :P I'm 21. So still a young'un here, but that's fine with me. I don't really look at people's ages as something that really matters, though. I mean, they can matter, but it's more maturity that I look for. My old neighbor's daughter is 16 now and I talked to her as I would an equal when she was 14, much less 16. So... well, I hope I'm making sense!! :P

Aww, the kids sound sweet... although pooey, waking up at 3am for a tummyache? Poor him and poor you. Heh. And that's a fair bit of money, right? Sorry, dunno dollar values as compared to pounds, but it sounds like it especially from your smile. :P

Hmmm... what else is going on this morning... not a whole lot, heh. It's early and I just want to sleeeeeeeeep. We'll probably be going to church then to my parents' place afterwards for lunch and then maybe some target shooting. :D And decorating the tree that we put up yesterday - real one, a Concolor pine I think, smells like tangerines. (I'm serious!!) I'm worried about the food but I think I'll be able to handle it as long as I don't eat that much. :-/

*hugs Franz and everyone else* :)

Hugs to all xx

Thanks for the hugs, Banana... *big hugs back* How're you doing today??

I've been out of hospital for about 3 weeks but I still can't stop thinking about how much I want to go back. It really hurts.

*curls up and rocks*

Sorry I'm not really posting much..

One step closer (sorry, don't know your first name :-/), I understand that feeling... for me, at least, hos is a safe place where I don't have to worry about keeping it all together. I can cry, scream, or be silent, and not have anyone on my case. My meds are given to me at the proper times (mostly, anyway, heh), I get meals that I don't have to worry about prepping, etc. I have met some pretty awesome people in there TBH. :) Is that how it feels for you, or different? *big hugs*

*hugs Kiera* I understand that feeling, at least, although I don't know what's going on in your life/head at the mo. Am struggling a lot myself... it sucks especially because I don't know to whom I can turn for support. That's why I reactivated my account here and came back to post for support... figured this was one of the better sites for it. :) Do you want to talk about what's up? If you want to, you can PM me... *more hugs*

MammaMia, how are you doing? *hugs* It's okay not to post much... this is how I get my socialization so I'm gonna be posting a bit, but don't worry about not posting a lot. :)

I'm having a pretty sh*tty day... still really struggling with the urges to purge and my husband is frustrated with himself for not being able to make me feel better. Heh. So I don't really know what to do... I can understand how he feels that way but he really can't make me feel better... I don't know who can or when it'll happen but I've got the gnawing feeling that it's gonna have to be from inside of me. :(

*hugs everyone*

*hugs everyone* sorry no individual posts, I have read all of them, but my head isnt really up to so many replies. I'm thinking of all of you.

I'm so tired of going back and forth in my head between recovery and relapse. Thoughts are bad. I'm back at my parents house for christmas (winter break from school), which means i have to hide a bit. I also have to tell them that my boyfriend joined the air force... i'm so not looking forward to telling them b/c they will probably say something like "this is proff he is moving on with his life without you"... but its not true at all. My boyfriend and I talk about things all of the time... my family just doesn't believe me..

fallinstar ( laura?) sorry things arent so good for you right now. As long as you and your boyfriend know you are ok, thats all that matters.

*cuddles for Laura* I'm sorry that things are rubbish in your head right now, love. Is there anyone you can talk with about it other than us? (not saying we aren't any good, but someone IRL can be much better!!) And I agree with youngatheart ^^, as long as you and your boyfriend know you're okay, that's what matters. *hugs* What's going on in your head? care to chat about it? 'cause maybe that'll help.

Listening to Mannheim Steamroller right now... wondering how they got their name, hehe. :) Trying to figure out what to do today... agoraphobia is kicking in and I don't want to leave the apartment. I know I ought to, but I really don't want to. It's so difficult to do so!! and I have plenty to do here. I can clean, I can read, I can play WoW, I can post here, I can email people, I can call friends... but I can also purge and cut, which is why I need to get out of the house at least a few times a week, if not every day. BOO HISS.

*hugs everyone*

Hey guys, hope you all had a good if not bearable day today. Sorry no individual replies but I read all of your posts and I'm sending you all some loves.

My boyfriend came over today which was really great. We did some Christmas shopping (I needed him there as I got arrested last week thanks to being a klepto) and just spent time together. This evening I'm struggling with not binging because my family are around and watching me like a hawk so I can't purge. So f*cking hungry but I must not eat must not eat...

I agree with what's been said about hospital. I was officially discharged today after a 3 week bit of "respite". I hate it but I love it there too. Having everything taken care of is helpful and well I'm still alive. It's good to be able to admit that I am not coping and to be able to go somewhere where I don't have to pretend to cope, where I can just do and feel what I need to. I met a few wonderful people there, caught up with a few others, and avoided a lot of others who drove me mental excuse the phrase!

Blah. x

*walks in with a huge blanket, pizza and coke to share*

*hugs* everyone, sorry not up to individual replies

My girlfriend wasn't too good today and i spent 2 hours driving home because of the snow! I want to stay with her in hosp but because i can't i'll have to stay here.

Not feeling great today. Wanted to cry but i just kept laughing instead.

I'd like to share some pizza and coke with u guys and cuddle up please???

Anyone got a pizza topping preference? x x x x

Veggie lover's all the way!!! :D Hehe... that is, if no one minds. I'm a lacto-ovo-fishy vegetarian (lol) so I don't eat red meat if I can help it. As the vegetarianism was/is an eating disordered thing, though, I'm doing my best to get rid of it. :(

Kiera, how old are you? If you're over 18 your parents don't need to know. Everything can be kept confidential as 18 is the magical age for confidentiality. And since you're posting in the Veteran's Corner, I'm guessing you're 18+. So... you don't really need to be worried about that, I don't think. *hugs* Although it is scary getting help on your own... but relieving maybe that your parents don't need to know? Sorry if that was a waffle, my brain's a bit muzzy at the mo.

Scarlett, sorry to hear about your girlfriend. :( Hopefully she'll be doing better tomorrow. And yeh, I've been hearing about the snow and how it really shuts London area down when you get a bit!! Funny rather. We just avoided a storm that dumped 9+ inches only 50 miles south of where we live. Although I wouldn't've minded... but driving in snow isn't much fun at all. *cuddles gently*

Banana, glad that you got to go shopping with your boyfriend. It must be difficult being klepto, never actually met anyone who was. My great-grandmother was but I never really knew her, as she died when I was 3 or 4 or something like that. :-/ How are you feeling now? any better than earlier? And yeh I totally get that family looking after you like a hawk... I told my parents today about my bulimic urges and when I went to the bathroom my mum was like, "ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?" ... so that kinda sucked. I wasn't going to purge, just had to, well, you know, use the bathroom!! lol.

I kinda wish that I could go back into ED treatment. I think I would really benefit from it now versus when I had it. But nope, insurance doesn't cover the place I went and it is WAYYY too expensive otherwise. And I'm not seriously ill enough to get into any of the free programs. Boo hiss. Plus that would interrupt schooling... I'm supposed to be done in August. :D So I don't want to ruin that...

BLAHHH!!!!! I want to purge too, ate a yummy supper but it was yucky to my brain. I feel physically fine but mentally I'm a mess. :'(

Good morning guys, hope everyone slept well. *Hands out coffees (or hot choc if you would prefer!) *

Kiera on the one hand it might help to have some support from your parents, but then I don't know what they are like about your illness. But as Scarletdreamer said, if you're over 18 then they don't have to know. Either way I hope that you're ok and that you can get some help and support from somewhere.

Scarlett sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Hope she gets better soon. *Takes some pizza, puts it into the magical calorie-remover machine and munches*

Scarletdreamer yeah it is hard being klepto. It's just so unacceptable and the guilt that goes with it is unbearable. Plus there's the fact that most people don't realise that klepto is different to shoplifter. I don't want what I steal, I don't plan it and I rarely remember taking the stuff. Last week I got arrested for it but luckily I had the nicest policewoman on the planet and I got off with just a caution. Not nice though. Lol bless you with going to the toilet. My mum does that too, it's annoying! Urgh... Christmas food... I know what you mean about ED treatment and I'm sorry to hear that you can't afford it at the moment. I don't know how the healthcare system works where you are, but can you get support from a dietician or therapist or something just to get a little bit of a helping hand? I'm on a never ending waiting list for an ED support group and for ED therapy, I wish they'd hurry up because I just can't eat "normally" any more. No idea what normal eating is to be honest. I did try it... but that set me off on a really bad B&P phase... I'm the lowest weight I've ever been at the moment. My psych's advice was to "just eat" as it's not a "proper illness" for me... I told him to **** off as he clearly hadn't studied EDs properly at uni!!

Anyway sorry I'm rambling... but I hope you all have a good day xxx

Hugs to all.

All I can think about is KILL.

Banana, I'm in the States and I do have a therapist, but she's currently unavailable due to a death in the family. I tried texting her last night, hoping that she wouldn't be occupied as I needed someone to text/talk with, but she texted back saying that she was at a funeral, blah blah blah. So now I feel really bad because I think I interrupted the funeral with a text message!!! :( I'm going to have to call her office >_< to make an appt because I don't have one set up yet... grrrr. I also have a NP (nurse practitioner - she takes care of my meds and I love her to pieces!!) that is very supportive and kind, although she doesn't always respond to texts/voicemails (GRRRR!!!!!). So yeh. That's what's been going on with me as far as support for stuff goes. My N (nutritionist) is way too expensive to see frequently so I am kind of stuck where I am. :(

I am at the highest weight I've ever been at the mo... but I am going to lose it. I'm betting that a LOT of it is water weight as I haven't been drinking properly and have a tendency to retain water like nothing else. :( So I need to drink more fluids... have a lot of Propel and VitaminWater and flavored drink packets for our icky-tasting water. And tea, too. Lots and lots of tea!!! :P

Hopefully you'll get the help that you need soon... *big hugs*

*hugs Steel Maiden* Sorry to hear that things aren't going too well right now. "KILL" - as in yourself? or am I totally missing it. >_<

*hugs everyone, leaves some calorie-free chocolates on the table, and pops out*

I need to find a way out of life without hurting my brother. I can't stand being alive any longer.

*Offers cuddles to everyone*

*hugs scarletdreamer* It sucks that you have to be desperate to get the help you need. I think its the same everywhere and with all mental health disorders, from what ive seen anyway! It shouldnt be like that. I'm really sorry you cant access help easilly atm :( can i have some tea please???

Banana, I couldnt imagine that! It must be so hard. Do you have a leaflet or something that you could carry arround with you that explain Klepto and what they (shopkeepers and police etc) should do in certain circumstances? I love the magical calorie-remover machine! I wish i'd had it last night! Can i borrow it later please?? Im gonna have a mac donalds - yum yum!

*Hugs Steal Maiden* I'm sorry you're struggling atm, are you able to keep urself safe? Does distraction work at all? I'm here if u want to talk or rant..

One step closer, If you mean what i think you mean then i don't think there is a way i'm afraid :( can u try doing something to relax urself? How about spending some time with your brother to remind yourself that u want to stay around for him? Are you getting the help you need right now? *gives u a big hug and runs a lovely bath for you*

mmm *scoffs loads of calorie-free chocolates and works up the energy to go to the laundrettes and have a yell at some Psych Nurses* wish me luck!

*Hugs to Steel Maiden*

Scarlett Dreamer - that must be so frustrating not being able to get hold of your support workers. It's similar for me, endless waiting lists and answer phones etc. Do you live with anyone who is supportive and understanding of what you're going through who you could tell? In the mean time keep talking to us :-) Yeah sounds like a lot of the weight is water. Try not to panic and lose weight (sorry, hypocrite alert), eating consistently and healthily will be better for you and will help with your weight as well. If you tend to be up and down with eating your body will just hang on to whatever it can get and your metabolism also slows down when you don't eat. Sorry if you already know that. It's just I don't want you to end up in the miserable place that I am at the moment. *Hugs*

One Step Closer - I know the feeling, the only thing that has kept me alive is not wanting my family and boyfriend to suffer because of being involved with that girl who killed herself. I don't want them to have to go through more than they do at the moment with me being alive. Hang on in there, it WILL get better. If you want to talk about how you're feeling we're here for you.

Scarlett Whore - that's a great idea actually about carrying a leaflet around about it. When I got arrested I told them it was kleptomania but I guess they must hear that a million times a day. I think they probably still don't believe that I'm klepto but it fast became clear how ill I am so they were a lot nicer to me than I deserved. Just hoping and praying it doesn't happen again because then I really will be in the ****. Haha yeah I wish I had a real life calorie removing machine! Mmmm pizza chocolate cake spaghetti bolognaise... Why can't they make no-cal food?! Enjoy having a good yell, hope it helps :-)

Done some Christmas shopping with my bros today (and I have all the receipts yay!) and stared at the DLA application for a while. Feel a bit agitated today so I might pop out again in a while to keep myself out of trouble. Seeing my care worker tomorrow which should be good, she's really lovely so looking forward to seeing her. Also will be getting my hair even more redded up and visiting a good friend of mine in the ward so should be a good day.

Hugs and loves to all xx

*hugs april* I wouldn't worry too much about interrupting the funeral. I am sure your therapist isn't mad at you or anything. Getting text messages and calls kind of comes with the territory of their job. And.. drinking fluids is good. I always find that I feel better (physically) when I drink a lot of water :-)

*hugs one step closer* Sorry you are feeling so badly hun. Can you talk to anyone?

*hugs scarlett whore*

*hugs banana* yay for xmas shopping lol, I did that all day yesterday... Even though it was ridiculously crowded out. Its good that you like your care worker so much, it must be nice to have them there for support. Hope you enjoy visiting your friend.

*hugs everyone else.... sorry I didn't reply to everyone... The ward seems to be very busy lately*

I am at the 30 day mark for being SI free... again... it always seems that 30-ish days is my breaking point, but I'm hoping that maybe things are easier this time... I dunno why they would be easier, nothing is different heh, but I still hope it is. Anyway, got a disaster haircut yesterday, going to get it fixed today lol, and then baking xmas cookies! yummy!

*cuddles onto April* Meeeegh, sorry I wasn't here yesterday... Christmas shopping. >.< Damn Christmas time! Damn it to hell!

*huggles to everyone else* Hoping everyone is okay...

Not had a good day today. Aaaaat all. I'll hide this, cuz...

Arrrgh. :Crying:

Aww *cuddles Franz gently* It does sound like an utterly rubbish day... I wish I could help more but maybe have a few calorie-free chocolates and talk to us? *more cuddles*

Have missed you over the past, well, day. Haha. You're good company. :) I bet it was crowded Christmas shopping!! wow. I got all of mine done on Black Friday (THAT was effing crowded... >_< ...but was my husband's idea so we went for it, heh). I'm rather excited about Christmas myself, but I can understand why it would be annoying, etc. I think. Heh. Why don't you like it?

*hugs Laura* Yey for 30 days SI-free!! That's awesome. :) Don't beat up on yourself, if you can help it, if you slip up... it's baby steps to get out of that pit and you can do it. You're a strong person. In the meantime, celebrate!!! You have done an amazing job of not SI'ing in the past month... you deserve something special. Make yourself a cuppa and go sit and read or do something you enjoy. :) Pamper yourself. *more hugs*

*hugs Banana* Yeh, I know that about the water/weight loss thing. It's just frustrating now, especially, because I don't have classes to tell me how time is passing. Usually I get through a day now and realize that WHOOPS, I've only drunk about half what I'm supposed to - or less. That's never good... but I never try to make it up. And just like eating, you have to drink constantly... and I hate that. Urgh. :(

I'm kind of frustrated about my weight but that's not why the purging urges are coming up. It's because I want to self destruct... I dunno. I posted more about this in the ED forum. Don't want to take up too much space in here about that. :( Blah. Feel stupid.

*hugs Scarlett* How you doing today?? :)

*gentle hugs for One step* Honestly, there is no way of getting out of life without hurting those around you, those who love you. No matter how you do it, you'll leave a legacy of pain. People who remember you will feel sad but also effing ANGRY that you chose to kill yourself rather than fighting your way out of whatever you're in. You can survive. You can make it through. You are so much more resiliant than you know.

Guuurgh... I feel like sh*t. I ate lunch, which was one of those microwaveable bowls of soup. It had so few calories but I still wanted to purge it along with the mug of (gingerbread!!) tea with honey that I had. And I called my T's office to see if I could get an appt with her tomorrow as she said yesterday that she thought she had a cancellation (cx?) tomorrow... but no go. BOO HISS!!!! That means I won't be able to see her until like the week of the 10th (of January). That SUCKS!!! I need all of the support that I can get right now and I really wish that I had all the support that I need. :(

Just shoot me... shoot me now, put me out of my misery... I HATE MY LIFE!!!! *cries*

I are loved. :D *huggles onto April* Yeeeeees, it was fairly busy. o.O It's not that I don't like shopping. God help me, that's not what I'm saying AT ALL, XD I just don't like being stabbed in the back by grumpy old women with umbrellas. Who then complain that you got in the way. D;

*chomps on low cal chocolate and sits on April* I shall NOT shoot you now. For many reasons;

1. I have no gun. Which is probably a good thing, to be honest.
2. I would MISS you!
3. I would get blood and brainds all over the virtual Psych ward. D;
4. You're too special to shoot. And your husband might be a bit annoyed. o.o

xxx

*huggles Franz* Yeerhhh, I guess you have a point about not shooting me. Haha. My husband "might be a bit annoyed" ... rofl. :P

So I guess I'll stick around for now. I do have a gun, but not here at the apartment... it's my baby, a 1911 Springfield .45 caliber pistol. :D But it's kept locked at a place far, far away (okay, only 20 minutes away... haha - and I have a key to it) so I don't have immediate access to it if I do get suicidal. Which is good.

I don't FEEL special. :( I feel fat, ugly, stupid. Grrrrargh.

*huggles*

*hugs everyone*

Well he might! :O *snuggle!*

And I am glad there's a walk to get to it. o.O Although I just looked it up, and oooo. Prettyful gun. :O Damn me for being English!

*sigh* Me knows how you feel. Currently venting negative thoughts and feelings into writing and drawing. Ahm designing a new tattoo. :)

*huggles Lindsay* :) Hihi, you okay?

*hugs Franz* Yeh it is a prettyful gun. :D I'm glad you agree with me. My husband thinks I'm cute for thinking that it's cute... but it IS!!! This http://www.gunshopfinder.com/springfield/PW9609L.jpg is not the exact model that I have, but you can see what it looks like. Mine currently has the wood grips on it (but they don't say "US" - they have a more prettyful design :D) but I'm gonna switch 'em to plastic (black!! woohoo) as the plastic is MUCH more durable.

Ooh tattoo. I don't have any and don't plan on getting one, but it's cool that you design them. What does it look like? I'm more into piercings, just got my nose done (stud on the right side) on 5 December (I think). And my ears are pierced 8 times (total) - four of which I did myself. Afraid that's a bit of a self-injuring technique but oh well. They look good. :P Wouldn't recommend it though, unless you aren't doing it for SI and are more sanitary about it than I was.

Hrm. I don't feel great. Tummy hurts - I think I ate too much or something, dunno. Blahhh. I am so tired, too!!! just want to sleep but it's way too early, only a bit past 5pm. :(

*hugs everyone*

All of my peircing's are self done. :) Except for my scaffold peircing. I have my ears streched as well, also self done. Yeah, it's basically another version of SH, but hey... >.< I'm sanitary though!

Well, the one I'm currently designing is a treble clef with Plumiera flowers and butterfly on it. Both of which are linked to RYL. :) The treble clef is to signify the effect that music has on my life, both as a musician and listener.

*cuddles and rubs tummy* :( Get better, silly tummy...

yay! I talked to the nurses and managed to get my girlfriend leave tomorrow to go christmas shopping!!! Plus i requested time over christmas too so if tomorrow goes well all should be cool.

*hugs to everyone* I hope ur all doing ok - sorry i'll catch up soon but im soo tired right now x x x x

Aww Franz *huggles* Thank you. :) My tummy feels much better now, took some antacids and other stuff and it doesn't hurt now. Guess it was just nerves or something, dunno. Weird.

That sounds like a cool tattoo. :) Could you post a pic of it or send a pic to me via email or PM? And what's a scaffold piercing? Sorry if that's a dense question... >_< I don't know piercing names very well.

Scarlett, that's awesome!! I hope that you enjoy yourself. :) *hugs*

I'm doing meh. Today's the day of the awful nutritionist appt and I'm probably getting worked up over nothing, but... I really hope he doesn't brush this all off and pretend like it's no biggie. I really don't want to leave there all upset and stuff. :( Especially as it costs a good deal per appt.

And I don't have an appt scheduled with either my therapist or my NP, so I don't know when I will see them again. That's frustrating!! but I will survive... grrr. :(

*hugs everyone and sets out more calorie-free chocolates* :)

*hugs davengenzz (franz?)* I would be so scared to do a self-piercing lol, too many horror stories i've heard I guess. You're tattoos sound awesome. I love music.

*hugs scarlett whore* Sounds like fun! Hope you have a good time shopping.

*hugs april* Hope that your appt goes alright. I hate it when doctors brush you off, its awful feeling.

I feel like i'm on the edge of something, but I don't know what exactly. I need to talk to my friend badly, but its winter break and he is far far away, so I don't want to bother him with my stupid drama. And it is stupid drama... I'm not going to do anything horrible... I never do... so... yeah...

Anyway, i'm baking cookies today. I'll leave some calorie free ones in here later :-)

*huggles onto Laura and April.* I shall post in it the creative corner when I'm done with it. :) I'm rather excited about it!

And a scaffold is a bar across your ear peirced in 2 places. :) A La...



Mhm.... And nah, I don't like peircing shops! I dunno why.. o.O Probably people touching my weirdly XD

Went to the Doctors today...Getting a mental health assessment. My mother thinks I'm going to kill myself. >.<

Laura, if you have to, talk with your friend. Even if it is just drama, it's best to get it out there. Also, if you think you're on the edge of something bad, please love, talk to someone!! *big hugs*

*huggles Franz* Ahh, I've seen scaffolding piercings. Kinda want one myself but never got up the nerve. Anyway, I've got studs in up there on my ear where a scaffold piercing would be. :) The piercing parlor was kind of a scary place... mostly because it was a piercing parlor and I saw this one dude getting a tattoo (in between me getting my nose pierced - by the same guy!!) and he looked so bored, lol - and the tattoo dude was just mopping up the mess as he went... urgh, it was triggerish. :(

Probably good that you got a mental health assessment, maybe then you can get a bit of help for whatever is going on? *cuddles gently*

I feel rubbishy. Saw my nutritionist today and he wants to see me next week. He said that it's cheaper than it would be if I went in hospital >_< which is true, as insurance probably wouldn't cover a stay for EDs in a hospital or whatever. Ugh. I'm supposed to eat a great deal of protein and eat a lot in the morning - but for the first time, I think, since I've seen him, he didn't tell me a calorie min/max that I have to reach. So that's AWESOME. Heh. And he did take me seriously, which was also awesome. :)

I'm just really scared that I'm actually going to develop bulimia. My ED before was more aimed at AN, but now it's totally changed... my therapist thinks it may be my subconscious unhealthy reaction to starting to like food again. Dunno though - but it does kinda make sense.

Supper's coming up, I'm scared... I hate dealing with food!!!!

Blah, sorry for the waffling. :(

*needs hugs*

*gentle huggles* I agree, I'm finding it hard at the moment. But my doctor was nice and prescribed me strong antiseptic stuff for my arms. So good times!

And you're not waffling. Oooh, waffles. Damn it, I'm hungry now. XD

Much love and licks *huggle*

*walks in with lots of sugar, butter, and chocolate chip cookies - that are perfectly fine to eat as they are cyber-cookies and therefore, very good for u*

Told my family about my boyfriend being in the air force... they didn't react as badly as i thought which is good. I don't know exactly what i'm on the edge of... hopefully its just a feeling and it will pass quickly... or maybe its just that the 30 day mark is in my head still and screwing with me.. I dont know.
And I would talk but... I just kinda minimize everything when I do b/c i don't want ppl to worry, so then I feel even more stupid for talking in the first place... Talking has never seemed to really help much anyway i guess.

*rugby tackles for cyber cookies*

*sits on, chomps*

*gives thumbs up for good news, pats for bad*

Gahh I feel utterly, completely, and totally awful.

BUT WHAT THE F*CK IS NEW?!?!?!?

*sits in corner and cries*

:O April and Kiera! *gentle cuddles and teddybears*

Vent! It may help. ANd by vent, I meant talk online... or in journal... :(

*Nuzzles April* :(

*gentle cuddles to Kiera and Franz*

Well, I guess I'll vent here a little if no one minds. :-/

I'm worried about the bulimic urges, don't know if they are more serious than I thought before. I feel awful because of what I've eaten today - no binges, just food I never would've eaten before this. I hate this "freedom" that I have now that I'm not totally vegetarian. Which was, I admit, an eating disordered thing. Meat does have a lot of calories - but that's mainly the red meat. I'm sticking to seafood for now as that has omega-3s and all. But anyway... the "freedom" scares me and makes me want to go back to my "old ways" of restricting intake... but I CAN'T!!! because my husband won't let me. So instead it's bingeing urges that come on - like tonight - and then purging urges... it's so crazy... I don't want the stigma that comes with being bulimic. I don't believe in it, and I really want to give in to the behaviors, and even effing looked at TIPS tonight (I am such an effing IDIOT, I wouldn't be surprised if you all don't want to talk with me again)...

I don't know. I'm just a mess. I hate my life, I'm tired, just drunk two cups of tea (gingerbread, and cranberry-apple) and want to go to bed. I've been up since 3:30am and need my sleeps... tomorrow's Christmas Eve and then Christmas and I'm scared that I'm going to eat too much, etc... even if it is healthy stuff. :(

Need support, need help, need PUPPY SINCLAIR!!!!!!!

*more cuddles for Franz and Kiera*

I know Ive not been around much at all but ive been at uni
right now my life is ****
I need a cuddle else im gonna go do something daft

I dont like the chat.
Everything falls apart.
its fine...just...forget i said anything.
Im just gonna carry on being invisible

*walks in after a really long period without internet*
*hugs absolutely everyone*

I went psychotic last night for 3 or 4 hours and have just realised that during that period I attacked myself. Thankfully not badly. But ....
I've just moved house and I guess that's been stressing me and then my housemate went to hospital with chest pains yesterday and has really only just returned home. He's having some real difficulties right now as it seems that his AP medication has a nasty side effect of degenerating muscles - which caused the chest pain.
Man, oh, man. I just want to disappear right now ...

*cuddles everyone again and then disappears into a corner*