Quitting smoking's not going very well. I managed half of Wednesday and then most of Thursday. But on Thursday evening I got so desperate I phoned a friend and asked her to bring some baccy round.
Stupid.

Sorry I've been quiet the last few days....I think I got stuck in the smoking shelter?! Anyhoo have just read through what I've missed and my brain is so so crap that I can't retain anything, so for fear of upsetting or missing anyone one out......"GROUP HUGGLE!!!!"
*gathers everyone for a lovely squishy comforting group huggle*

ahh thats better....

Arwen, don't punish yourself for struggling giving up smoking. I am the biggest idiot going and didn't start smoking until I was 25!! That was done intentionally for all the reasons they tell you not to smoke.....now thats stupid! Then when I met my partner, his dad had died of lung cancer when he was a teenager, and so I felt very guilty and insensitive smoking around him. I gave up for a bit with the aid of patches....until he went to afghan and then I smoked again.....then I tried giving up again when he returned, but I got so desperately unhappy with my weight gain that I told him in January that I'd rather smoke and be slimmer than not smoke and be a chubalub. I really hope that when I start my therapies and am not quite so unstable I'll be able to quit again as logically I know its not good for me and a waste of money.....but at the moment logic doesn't prevail. Anyhoo, I don't know if any of this waffle makes sense, but I wanted you to know you're not alone in your struggle, don't beat yourself up over it.

*goes into corner and bangs head on pot plant*

Oh my goodness, just spoken to my supposed best mate who I've only seen twice this year and not spoken to properly since march. I'd emailed her explaining why I've withdrawn and am finding things so difficult on monday just gone. So I thought maybe this was her phoning to see how I was doing, apologise for not putting in any effort with me and finding out what was wrong sooner. Silly me, it was of course to see if I wanted to go out drinking tonight!!! She then told me I'm not as nuts as I think I am and to pull myself together. I told her she's not inside my head!!!! I don't tell everyone how I'm feeling. So she then told me off saying I should, and I was like, hello?! I'm trying, hence going to dr and psychologist. She then said yeah ok cos I guess you can't talk to Eoghan (pronounced Ewan - my partner) cos he's not that deep. OH MY ****ING GOODNESS!!! How dare she say that about him?! Raaaaa!!!!!!

Sorry to rant in here, I don't really want advice or anything on it, so no point starting a thread, but I'm just so.......Argghhhh.......that I thought I should come in here and stay safe.

*Hugs Hayley and Eclectic*a*

Thanks Hayley, I haven't really got any reason to quit other than my health and lack of money. My dad's an ex-smoker and now really hates smoking. So I guess quitting is partially for him too. I'm also really scared about the weight gain that sometimes follows when you quit smoking, when I managed to go a week I had a serious craving for sugary foods!

I want to go to the pub. Now.

*hugs all*

I'm on six hour leave, and on the internet again. Just went shopping for stuff to take back to the hospital.

Hm.

Keep going all of you.

I'm struggling -.-

Keep me safe guys. I'm scared of what I might do. I can't control my mind. I feel like I'm losing the battle. :-(

Ugh, what the ****?! Talk about bloody insensitive! *Hugs* And as for ranting in here, don't apologise, tis what's the place is for!

*Cuddles* Not sure what to say tbh

*Hugs* You keep going as well, Oly. I mean it when I say that you're a strong and brave woman


@__@ Triggered here, and keep going spacey again. Was alright to begin with, but mood dropped for now reason

sits by the window looking out.. i dont care if i never come out.. in here im in a world within a deeper world i close the door on you to.. i dont want to see or hear any one.. i just want to sleep and look out the window when i wake.. thats not much to ask for.. just peace away on my own.. maybe il feel stronger.. and leave when i know .. that the door beyond these walls will close behind me and i can return to were i should be.

Thanks so much Damnation (sorry I forgot your name -.- ), I do try to keep going.

Nearly got my leave taken away for telling a nurse I wanted to buy solvents. Me = idiot with a big fat mouth ~_~

Hugs to you Damnation, depressed moods suck and spaceyness sucks too, but I know you can get through it.

wow, busy friday night in the ward as usual

*jumps on Jem and SteelMaiden for big hugs* look after yourselves

Hiya Lucy, there's a nice view from the window here, and the seat is very comfy

*hugs Dayna* hoped the spaciness passed without causing too many problems

*hugs Myself* keep fighting, do you want to talk about it?

*hugs Kat* god luck trying to give up smoking and hope you are ok.

*hugs Arwen* we all know how difficult it is to stop smoking especially with our own self-destructive tendancies, but keep trying cos each one you don't smoke helps.

*hugs Hayley* I can't believe your friend said that I think I'd have put the phone down on her, hope you are okay, rant rant away, best place for it :)

*hugs Kahlia* good luck moving am excited for you, hope things are going ok.

*hugs secrets* hope you are ok.

*hugs anyone else needing one*

I'm ok, need to get my arse in gear today, get things done so I can enjoy a day out tomorrow. Thought I wanted a night in last night and I think it would have all been fine if it hadn't been for half a bottle of wine and talking on msn with a friend of mine who wants to have sex with me but as a bit of fun with no intention on leaving his girlfriend. I am worth more than that, I am :( Anyway like I said, I'm okay, just a bit blue, and tired.

*hugs again*

Thank you for the hugs eclectic*a :)

*Hugs Oly back* Hope you enjoyed your leave. Are you still struggling?

*Hugs Myself* (Hah. That sounds like I'm hugging me :P) You can stay in here as long as you want. Rant as much as you like, that's what this place is here for :)

*Prepares a bed for Dayna* I find when I'm spacey that it really helps to just lie down and close my eyes. Don't know what works for you though...

What's up Lucy? You're obviously having a hard time, want to explain and talk about it?

*Hugs Hannah* You definately are worth more than that and I'm glad you know that. Alcohol + MSN isn't always a good idea really, I can see why you feel a bit blue.


I'm going up to a pub close to my house to ask about bar work. My gran's friend recommended me and he said I'm welcome to come in for a chat about a possible job. This feels good, I'm good at interviews, but I think I have a good personality (at times) and an informal chat will be easy. I really hope this leads to something, I want to work behind a bar and this pub isn't too far away (nor is it a dump!)
Okay, wish me luck guys :) xxx

Wildly Insane and Zowie (sorry forgot your names =_= ) thanks for the hugs. I am actually still on leave and will be until 4pm. I am still struggling but my doctor is very liberal on leave as she wants me to integrate back into society.

*hugs wildly insane and zowie* and good luck zowie on the interview.

Iv mothing in me and worth saying.. hopefully tommorrow will be a better day.

Im finding it hard to sleep, i cant settle and go, sleep is important im awear of that.. every nite i try to aime for around 12.. sometimes the enviroment around takes till 2am to settle, i cant settle till i know everything is ok,.. by the time 2am/3 even.. i bounce back and feel very much awake again, this is going on nite after nite.. i feel if i dont get my sleeping in order il crash.. cus im already crushed.

Oly, my name's Arwen :)

I phoned the pub and asked what time would be good for me to come in, and he said there's no point as he's already got the maximum ammount of staff.
Damn.

Arwen - nice name - damn that's annoying. I'm sorry that happened.

Spaciness passed alright. Triggeredness, not so. I ended up in a bit of a state in bed this morning, horrible thoughts going round my head, mental images of suicide, a load of different methods and **** x_x. Spaciness is back again right now, so I needs to deploy diversionary tactics methinks

*Hugs to all*

Oh, and Oly: call me Tödlich ^_^. And from what you said, I presume that while you nearly got leave taken away, you still actually have it? Hope so

On leave until Mon morning. Finding it great to see family and my boyfriend but also very unsafe and I'm struggling.

Big cuddles to all xxxxxxxxx

I cut on two different occassions at work today. Things keep going round and round in my head. I am trying so hard to resist. I want to keep fighting... but I don't know if I have the strength.

i think im ready to leave this ward.. i feel stronger.

*offers hugs to all*

I'm starting to feel a bit better.
A guy asked me out this week who I've kind had my eye on a little bit, so that's nice.
Brittany still isn't talking to me, but I'll live without her...
Even though it's hard and it still hurts.

I may be ready to leave soon, but I'm sticking around for a little while til I'm sure.

i can on longer communicate in my world or this world, i dont want to be any were... whats the point.

i feel like a totally failure.

*offers hugs to all*

Sorry haven't been around so much cause I've been moving. Went for one day without one of my meds and am paying for it now. Almost time to take another one so will keep this short. Just hoping everyone's okay.

Hey peeps, can't stay long my Dad is visiting with my one remaining dog in less than half an hour and I'm not dressed yet :P Just wanted to give anybody who wanted them *huge sunday huggles* and hope that you're all okay.

Oly, my name's Hannah

HannahBanana hope you have a lovely weekend on leave, and stay safe

good luck moving Kahlia

glad you're feeling a bit better Ashley

Lucy, stay as long as you want, you're safe here and keep fighting

Sorry to hear the pub job fell through Arwen, sounds ****, you ok about it?

Todlich - sorry keep wanting to call you dayna :) did you mange to get rid of the spaciness again? sounds tough to deal with

Myself don't beat yourself up over it, are you getting help to work out why you are thinking these thoughts?

*hugs again and leaves jammy doughnuts for you to enjoy* arrgghh 15 minutes gotta get dressed

*offers hugs to all* I have scanned posts and am thinking of you but feel as though I have nothing constructive to offer.

Im having one of those days, thing are awkard with my boyfriend, I don't know whether to head back to uni because I jave exams and I know I won't bother eating if i do.

Sorry I havent been around much - Things at the new Job are going great - however my life aint going so great! Broke down last night on the phone to my other half, after keeping things to myself again for a long time, got to the stage that he is now really worried about me!!!

I've spent today spring cleaning (which is the only way i can concentrate and get things of my chest and outta my head) my mam and dad havent noticed the fact that my eyes are blood shot and puffy from all teh crying i've done today! they cant see the pain in my eyes at all!!!

and all this time things keep building up and i couldnt even tell my other half becasue i am ashamed to admit that i cant cope!!!!!!!!!!

I think im just gonna have to tell him everything!! but i dont want to !!!!!!!


ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGg why cant i just tell him things are getting my down!!!!!!!!!

still my mood hasnt got any better. i thought it would, i feel really down. i dont want to be on my own. i dont want to speak either

I vanished again...sorry guys...hope you're all doing ok...

As for me...

I dared to think that things were going well with my life...that maybe I would get better.

But I was wrong.

And something that, on Tuesday, was an achievement is now very, very dangerous for me.

So I'll curl up on a bed, ask somebody to tie me down, and not let me out until all of this is over...

Lucy: x_O I know how that feels, not pleasant, is it? *Hugs*

Gils: Can't you just show him your posts here on RYL? Send an email, or something? Tell him without physically speaking?

Hannah: XD. The spaciness passed alright, but it's back again, ugh x_x. I seem to be going back to when I was getting spacy and trying to fight the void on a daily basis

*Hugs Secrets*

Sorcha: I'm glad you're feeling better <3

Kahlia: Gah D: bleh *hugs*

Ratchet: He's a ****ing prick. He's nothing more than a stupid asshole who gets off on making himself look like he's all at and making others look like complete retards. Ugh. I hate the **** too. He's not worth our thoughts, but I know it can be easier said than done to get him out of our heads

*Hugs anyone she missed*

I've tried that but the posts on here dont make much sense to him, and i just cant seem to write an email with everything in it! he said he's phone at half past 8 and he still hasnt!! maybe he's not going to phone?

my mood is lifting.. i put up a thread for people to share a song that could lift a spirit.. in general chat.. i had felt really down, and let down in both worlds by not been able to communicate properly.. things are very crapy at home in my real world.. my mum is ill and needs 24hour more or less care, this last two years.. i look after full time, and over this last 12weeks she has been unwell and needing a lot of care, i very rearly get away/do what i want and that can go on for weeks.. i love her and she has a fantastic way in coping with her illness, its been nothing but doctors, nurses hospitals.. and it can wear a person down.. i promised when she gets stronger that we will go on hoilday.. to the Algarve.. a resort and she can relax and enjoy, but she keeps getn sick... i feel insecure.. were i can not talk about when i feel depressed or my s/h .. it's all very much secret in my world.. im afraid id lose the abilty to care for her if i looked for help for me.. and i have every right to feel sceard about that, as she relies on me big time to help her, and i would never want her to be let down or hurt... another nite in here please... im not evenover 60 percent. (goes back to the room for 24hr silence.. just a bed and a window.. no people)

Blaaaah I've crashed again.

I can't help feeling like a giant whore, and I hate it. I hate myself for it

I can feel my mood starting to decline.
My mood swings are being so crazy!
I hate this!
I've been so low, and then I perked up for a few days, and now I'm going down again...

What the hell is wrong with me!?

I have to be perked up for tomorrow, as I have a date, which is kinda cool.
I haven't dated anyone since... February, I think, so it's nice to feel wanted.
I really hope my allergies are toned down majorly by then, because,
of course, we're going for a walk in the park. XP
A walk in the park plus a red, runny nose = not attractive at all.

GODDAMN! I busted my lip again!!
Frickin spring....

*hugs Ashley* good luck with the date, I hope it goes well

*hugs Lucy* that sound real tough and I just wanted to offer my support

*hugs Gils* hiya, am so glad your job is going well, and so sorry to hear you're struggling, did you manage to tell him?

*hugs Vicki* I'm glad you were feeling better for a bit, hold onto that and know you can do it again and hopefully it'll last longer next time, each moment of feeling a bit better is a step forward that cannot be taken away.

*hugs secrets* get those exams done hun, if you possibly can, hope things get sorted out with your boyfriend.

*hugs kat* he sounds foul, you're well rid of him, but I know it's hard

*hugs Todlich* glad it passed but sorry to hear it's becoming more frequent. I'm sure you're not a whore.

Had a good day with my dad yesterday, glad the waterproofs held out :) Have a job application to finish today, which is stressing me out, but once I've sent it i'll be fine. Dancing tonight - yay

*hugs everyone else dropping by or hiding in the corners*

I haven't really even tried to quit smoking yet. I don't think it's going to happen.
Feeling really crappy today. I feel like I must be too lazy and that it's my fault I don't have a job.

*offers hugs to all*

I broke my wrist so I'll be a little slow responding to posts but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you all.

Forgotten again.
Wow.

*hugs Rainbow* Im really glad your jobs going well. Try not to worry too much. I often find a letter written helps, things scribbled out and all.

*hugs Eclectic*a* I have no advice though I guess a hug would help.

*hugs Lucy* I understand what it's like to physically care for someone, is there anyone who could allow you an hour off. I know its hard to ask for but sometimes it'll make caring that bit easier.

*hugs Strawberry.Bananas* Sometimes other things take over, we're always here so dont worry about not being around. In fact Im the worst for disappearing

*hugs Damnation* I hope things have started to improve.

*hugs Sorcha*Loupvoix* Allergies suck, however have fun on your date. Just make sure you've taken anti-allergy stuff or have some on you.

*hugs wildly insane* thanks for the hugs. Sounds like you had a lovely day, I hope today's lovely too.

*hugs Zowie* take things slowly, maybe try to reduce the amount you smoke. Giving up smokin is hard.

*hugs Kahila* A broken wrist isn't fun! Hope it heals soon.

*hugs MammaMia* I'd wondered where you'd gone. You're one of the few who look familiar.

I'm still at home. Feeling crap tody but hey. Sometimes I want to lie down and let it overtake.

*leaves some ice cream in the fridge*

Hope u guys r all ok...i'm busy and flat out as usual :-( got exams coming up soon...not looking fwd to them as i don't know anything atm..ugh..anyways *waves* enjoy ur day there xx

I've been so lazy today. Didn't get dressed, didn't do any make up (didn't even draw my eyebrows on), spent all day on the sofa except for the hour I spent going and coming back from the Jobcenter.
I need a bath but I just don't have the energy.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Arwen, have you been so lazy as to not grow back your eyebrows? That'd be impressive, if laziness stretched so far as uncontrolable bodily functions.
[loveyou]

I have a deadline that I thought was for Friday next week.
Turns out it's actually tomorrow.
SCREWED.

I don't want those hairy things back. No thank you.

Oh dear Katie. Are you anywhere near finished?
[ILoveYouToo]xx

I'm a good chunk through. I will be having to miss maths tomorrow morning to be in the library and spend an immense amount of printer credit :(

And I think you should appriciate your hairy things.

*leaves hugs and space hoppers for all*

my body is shaking inside, im not cold... they dont back off..

i spoke and now im sceard. i feel so insecure, i dont have a good feeling for this.. a person always knows deep inside them of how things will go.. i cry when she asks how can i talk to the next person ... whats the better thing to do when you really cannot cope.. right now i have three choices.. talk and let the crying happen... dont speak and carry on in silence.. or if i feel there to much go to my safe haven. all of them seem like to much.

**** this.
It proves to me that nobody cares about me.
Well except Gemma & Jade.
But they'll get over me.
x

Sorry can't respond to everyone. Just want to let you all know I'm thinking of you. Damn wrist is a major problem... *offers hugs and cuddles to all*

*hugs*hugs*hugs*hugs*huggles*squishes*cuddles* :)

*hugs Kahlia* sorry about your wrist hun, did you manage to move apartments okay? are you feeling okay?

*hugs Helen* don't you think that, it's not true, at all, any of it.

*hugs Lucy* crying can sometimes be good, lets out all the emotion building up inside without destruction. If it's too much come and cry in here, don't carry on in silence, we're here to listen.

*hugs rockaroni* good luck with your deadline

*hugs Kat* I hate shopping too, people get in the way all the time.

*hugs Arwen* I hope you feel better today. I hate job hunting too, takes it out of you. Sometimes you just have to give yourself a lazy day.

*hugs Jem* good luck with the exams, I'm sure you know more than you think.

*hugs Secrets* don't let it win, you can do this, thanks I did have a lovely day and now I've finishe my job application so feeling less stressed.

*hugs Ashley and Todlich* how are you both doing?

*hugs anyone else wanting hugs. Sets up a sand pit and starts playing with a bucket and spade*

I had an okay time at dance, I got pulled out of intermediates to help the beginners and they were doing a jump in the intermediates which I missed :( I did have a lovely dance with my friend. He is still trying to get me to have sex with him for fun behind his girlfriend's back. Am I really wrong in thinking that this would just end up with me feeling used and ****? I don't know anymore.

*Hugs Eclectic*a* I know how it feels when you are completely overwhelmed by crowds. I believe there are spies watching me all the time, and I find it hard to tell who's a spy and who's not. Anyway I'm talking about myself, just wanted to let you know I understand and give you a hug.

Katie - I wont and I shant. Hope you get your work done, good luck with it all :)

*Hugs Lucy* Crying can be a good thing. It's much better to let the tears out than bottle them up.

*Squeezes Helen* I care about you...

*Hugs Kahlia back* It sucks about your wrist, it must be a real bugger.

*Hugs Hannah back* I really think you shouldn't give in to this guy. You're worth so much more than this, and I think you will feel used. He's treating you in such a disrespectful way and you shouldn't stand for it. He's obviously not a nice person as he's treating you and his girlfriend terribly.


-------


SIX MONTHS TODAY!!

I'm feeling so good about this. I threw away my tools last month, and I haven't thought about hurting myself in absolutely ages. :)
Will make a thread in Vets General, got a few things to say.
xxx