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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 12-11-2019 02:15 PM

Thank you. But what I said to my job centre lady sums it up. I don't expect to be alive much longer. Not morbid. Just the honest truth.

Cafes cost money. And the library is very very quiet.

I'm not sure I have anything much to offer. And if I manage to get myself to a volunteer position I'd be too anxious to be any use.

Badly badly want to go buy things to burn with. Burn more. Burn better.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 02:19 PM

Please don't cause yourself any more harm, remember how upsetting it was before when you realised the damage you had done? If you need some support please keep asking for it, don't take any drastic actions. Do you know what you want to say at your appointment with the CC? Maybe you could try and prepare for that.

You've managed well with work despite all the things you were going through at the time. I think if you found a voluntary position in an area that you're interested in you might feel more relaxed and get some enjoyment from it.

chinahorse 12-11-2019 02:24 PM

The cmht here only think I'm struggling if I harm. The psychiatrist himself said so. So I can't call them and ask for help.

The appointment is to make a crisis plan. Which have never been any use to me and are a paper exercise.

There's nothing local that I'm interested in where ypu can volunteer at. You can't volunteer in dentistry either.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 02:28 PM

You can still call and ask for help, please don't self harm to try and get help.

Would you say if you think the crisis plan isn't going to be useful? Maybe they will be able to ask you about what a crisis looks like for you so that they stop thinking that you're only struggling if you harm yourself.

Is there a volunteering website you can look at for your area?

tiptoes 12-11-2019 05:30 PM

You didn't get yourself into this situation. You are living with a mental health condition without support. This is not on you.

It is a credit to you how much energy you put into trying as hard as you do.

Is there anyone you could video call?

I'm sorry you are lonely, I understand I do. It's horrible when you have no human interactions. Try to bring it up with the CC, they might have ideas, being lonely is going to feed into crisis. (my phone auto correct lonely to lovely which you totally are!)

Sorry I have no real advice x

chinahorse 13-11-2019 06:38 PM

I will tell her if the crisis plan is shit.

Love a bit of autocorrect!

I'm struggling to cope today. I just don't see the point in living anymore.

chinahorse 13-11-2019 08:37 PM

I want permission to end my life.

Auror. 13-11-2019 09:30 PM

I don't think anyone is going to give you permission to do that. We could get into a lot of trouble for that, as could professionals. I'm sorry you are struggling so much today. I see how hard you are trying. Is there anything support wise we could offer you? How's Bertie doing?

chinahorse 14-11-2019 01:45 AM

I can't do this. I can't. Just watching bertie sleep. Soothing.

Auror. 14-11-2019 02:12 AM

I am glad you and Bertie have each other. If that is soothing, just focus on that for now. That sounds like a really good thing. <3

chinahorse 14-11-2019 06:17 PM

Don't want to live anymore. It's too hard. I feel so horrid.

one_step_closer 15-11-2019 11:06 AM

I hear you, life can be such a struggle. What specifically is difficult right now and can you think of anything that would make things less difficult even if those things seem impossible right now?

chinahorse 15-11-2019 11:39 AM

I've rang the cmht and waiting on them to call me back.

Money would help, having support would help, my stupid mother fucking off and leaving me alone more would help, people lowering their expectations would help.

one_step_closer 16-11-2019 03:46 PM

Did the CMHT get back to you?

Those sound like reasonable things to want, but it might be hard to get them since most of them involve changing how other people think and what they offer. Hopefully you will be able to get some support though, did you see your CC this week or is that next week?

chinahorse 16-11-2019 05:13 PM

My cc rang back and met me later that afternoon. It was good to talk to someone. She seems quite nice. She's going to ask a support worker to contact me so we can go through benefit stuff together. She also wants me to read a book. And offered food bank vouchers. Meeting her again next week. She also wanted me to try to see my dad this weekend. But I didn't feel up to doing it today.

She is going to be evidence for my PIP assessment.

My baby bertie was off colour this morning too which worried me and I didn't want to leave him alone.

I've felt ok ish today. Mood is falling now

chinahorse 16-11-2019 05:18 PM

Falling as in suicidal falling.

one_step_closer 16-11-2019 07:05 PM

Does your mood usually dip in the evening/what do you think has caused you to feel lower? It sounds like you could potentially have some good support there. How is Bertie now? Cats/any loved ones can be such a worry.

chinahorse 16-11-2019 07:40 PM

My mood has been dropping off a cliff in the evenings. It's like I've used up all my cope through the day. And the loneliness hits hard.

Bertie seems fine now thank you.

one_step_closer 17-11-2019 10:34 AM

I can relate to that a lot, I'm not really sure what to suggest other than lots of activity/distraction, communicating on here or with other people who you are in touch with, maybe planning for the following day and reminding yourself that the evening will pass. Be very kind to yourself, I know it's so horrible to be low and suicidal.

chinahorse 18-11-2019 05:35 PM

I'm trying my best but it's hard.

I feel very irritable and am in danger of burning. I'm distracting with tv and chocolate and will do crochet.

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