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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 07-11-2019 11:57 AM

Asdefgj scared. :/

one_step_closer 07-11-2019 04:24 PM

How did you get on? <3

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:34 PM

I'm so fed up of being me. So so sick of being alive tonight.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:35 PM

Med change. Meeting week after next with care coordinator. Meeting week after that with care co and therapist to do CAT for 5 weeks. Meeting month from now with psychiatrist to review new med.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:37 PM

Am feeling absolutely hideous.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 06:41 PM

Everyone irl keeps telling me to just not sh and think of bertie and just get better. I dknt fucking choose to be ill. I don't want to live anymore like this. Now crying.

Auror. 07-11-2019 07:24 PM

Are you okay with the support they are offering and the med change? Or do you think you still need something more?

I'm sorry people aren't being understanding. I hope Bertie can at least offer you some snuggles and support.

chinahorse 07-11-2019 07:28 PM

There's no support with money and practical things. I asked for practical and emotional support.

I hope med change works.

I don't want to live anymore.

Auror. 07-11-2019 07:30 PM

Are there other organizations you could go to for help with money and practical things? Maybe those are things that they don't offer? I don't really know all the specifics of services there so honest question.

If things in your life COULD change, would you want to live? What would need to be different?

chinahorse 07-11-2019 07:37 PM

I don't know.

Don't know. Don't think things can change.

one_step_closer 08-11-2019 01:39 PM

It's so easy to get stuck inside feeling hopeless, I'm sorry you don't feel like things could change. Things do change all the time though, in big and small ways sometimes you don't even notice. Yes a lot of those things might be negative changes but if there is the possibility of negative changes then there should also be the possibility of positive changes. I know it's hard to see and to believe.

I'm glad you have been offered some support, maybe you could discuss what else you think you need when you see the CC. I hope the med change is useful.

chinahorse 08-11-2019 03:41 PM

I destroy everything I touch. I am worthless. I want to die.

one_step_closer 08-11-2019 06:01 PM

I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, I don't think that's reality though. What's making you feel like that?

chinahorse 08-11-2019 08:16 PM

Because people have said it.

Auror. 08-11-2019 08:41 PM

I don't think that's accurate. I mean Bertie loves you and is a great kitty and you care for him really well.

one_step_closer 09-11-2019 10:44 AM

Just because people say things like that it doesn't mean that it's true. I'm sorry people are being so cruel.

chinahorse 11-11-2019 06:52 PM

Really want to harm so that I end up back in a hospital. Where I speak out loud to people every day and people care about me and are nice to me.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 11:04 AM

I can relate to the loneliness of having no one around, I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and desperate. Hospital is not always a caring place though and of course it's not good to harm yourself. Is it next week you're meeting your CC? Maybe you could talk about what activities etc there might be for you to get involved in and there might be some support to help you to get to those things. Are you keeping in touch with any of your friends? Can you show yourself some care and compassion? I know that's not the same as having other people around though.

chinahorse 12-11-2019 12:30 PM

I can go up to 3 days where the only words I speak out loud are my cats name and variants of it. I'm a social person in a weird way. I like to be in company even if I'm not directly involved in it. I'm so lonely it physically hurts.

How do I give my life meaning now I'm not contributing to anything? I always helped, whether that was making a kid happy with a milkshake or literally changing someone's life by giving them a denture. I want so badly to be useful again.

I feel so guilty at my current situation. If I get a proper full time job by say January it'll be probably best part of a year before I've paid everyone back. And thats if I scrimp and save because I'll have to live somewhere and pay bills at the same time.

Everything feels impossible. I'm so angry at myself that j let this happen.

one_step_closer 12-11-2019 12:51 PM

It's not your fault, you have always fought so hard. Does it help to sit in a cafe or a library and people watch? I know it's not the same as being in direct company but it might be better than sitting at home on your own. Maybe you could do some volunteering somewhere too. You probably have a lot of skills that people would find useful. This situation isn't forever, keep trying and I hope you get to a place where you feel more content very soon.

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