oh, and updated r/v... :(

i spies an oliver and a julie!! *cuddles*

*cuddles everyone who can accept cuddles*
I'm sorry I've been so crap recently with individual replies, when stuff has calmed down for me I shall be in here more and will do replies, but at the moment everything is a bit much to cope with.
my girlfriend is still in hospital, they have now said its a viral infection and she should hopefully be out on Monday. we've been going out a month today so I'm going to go visit her in a bit, she is getting really fed up of being in there and not liking it.
me, I guess I am surviving but only just, I feel so stuck at the moment with everything, my depression is really clouding over me, I just don't seem to care anymore, my room is becoming a mess, the kitchen is a mess, I'm not looking after myself properly, I just seem to be falling apart again and I don't know how to keep hanging on. so very nearly brought some pills the other day, managed to get out of the shop though before I completely freaked.

*hides in a dark corner where no one can find him because he is being pathetic and useless*

I spies April *glomps* *hugs* I'm really sorry about your dog, I don't think your mean for it affecting you so much, a death of a pet is very hard especially one you have had for so long and become so attached to.

*glomps oliver back* :) i'm glad to hear that your girlfriend is going to be out of the hospital soon but it really sucks that it was a viral infection. :( i would be tired of being in hospital too, if i were she... hopefully she feels better soon!! you're not being pathetic or useless, love. please try to not let yourself think things like that... easier said than done i know, believe me, but still... give it a go. you're a lovely person, amazing, strong, talented, clever, fun to talk with, etc. *gentle hugs* i'm glad that you didn't buy the pills... well done for not. :)

and thanks for the reassurances about michael (the dog). i just feel mean for it affecting me more than people i know dying. i mean, how heartless can you get?! :'(

*hides in a hole, away from everyone* :'(

Hey Laura. Yes, I am Lia.

I know it's not a big deal, but my mum is shouting again and I really hate it. She never stops. I guess it could be worse, at least she's only shouting and it isn't directed at me. Sometimes I rather it was though,weirdly, it's easier to deal with when it's me at the receiving end of her shouting and everything.

I feel like crying. I am trying to hold it back because I can't cry. I don't cry. But it's fathers' day tomorrow and I just wish I had someone to give a card to.

I'm going to stop because I am on the verge of tears and I can't let them spill. I think I might go for a walk.

Hope everyone's OK.

*Hugs Lindsey and anyone else that needs it.*

xx

*cuddles lia* you can cry, sweetheart, if you need to. why do you feel like you can't? :( i'm sorry that your mum is shouting... :( that has got to be awful. i can't really imagine as when i was growing up my mum just got quiet - the "silent treatment" - i don't know if i would have almost rathered her yell/scream... probably not, but the silent treatment was awful. i do that every once in awhile now, funny how things get passed down from generation to generation. anyway, that was a ramble, sorry. :(

i feel awful, so anxious, not hungry at all. we're at my parents' place right now (jarrod and i) because i wanted to play "city on our knees" for my dad for father's day on the dulcimer, had been prepping for it for months. it's by tobymac and my bestie said that that was probably the first time it was played on the dulcimer, lol. but anyway... sooo anxious. can't control it. having trouble breathing. :'(

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkcpHVDiAmk[/ame]

love this song, have been listening to it... i think delta goodrem tops britt nicole as my favorite female singer now... lol. sorry for posting so many songs; i hope you guys don't mind. :-S

*hides in the warren*

My Mums having her op right now.
My sisters friends are over ,Twins,non-identical.
does anyone want some strawberrys , merangue and cream that was for the party?

Hugs April, sorry iconfused you, I guess i should have
said it was a rant. It's something I wish I had said to
a freind who girlfreind gave me a hard time yesterday.
Just feel it is a no win sitition. It ened up allong with
other comments yesterday trigging me, didn't cut but
found other way to hurt myself.

*hugs Mark* I'll have some. (how rude does that sound :P)

Crying is a sign of weakness, it lets other people know how much they've hurt you. Anyway, enough about me. I've talked about me too much today, it's selfish and I will shut up.

April, sorry you are so anxious. Is it because you are nervous about playing? I hope you're OK, and it all goes well. Thinking of you.

Oh, and study leave is basically what it says on the tin. We get let out of school while the exams are going on for 'studying' but I hate it, it means being in the house with her.

Although it was funny just now, she was having a go at me as per usual and was making me wash up this glass plate, all the time telling me how useless and dirty I am, and she stabbed her finger on it to demonstrate her point of it needing a wash and I started thinking about how funny it would be if she broke it, but then I had to keep the smile off my face because I don't want to know what will happen if I laugh at her. At least she mainly sticks to the shouting now, even if most of the time, that hurts worse than the stick ever did.

Going on about me again. Sorry. I wish my dad were here.

xx

updated r/v... it's really long, sorry about that.

still ****ing anxious. took a prn klonopin, hopefully that will help. have too much energy to expend. and my stomach hurts. prayers/good thoughts would really really be appreciated... hasn't been this bad in awhile. :'(

*squishes* <3 sorry i've not got any advice atm

am back in nj... woo =s

sorry your mum's so horrid ImJustMe [i fail at life and forget name sorry] and crying helps and is actually a really healthy way to get emotions out- not weakness at all. know thats hard to believe though sometimes [my rents arent that bad but i always get told off for crying b/c im 'not acting my age']
hope your study leave's over soon :) do you have anyone you can spend time with so not stuck home?

lia, crying doesn't mean weakness. to some people it might, i don't know, but to me it means that you're actually being strong. why? because you're allowing your emotions to show - which is a difficult thing to do at times - and you're also allowing yourself to become vulnerable - which is also difficult. does that make any sense? but if your thoughts on it work for you, then so be it. :) i'm just offering a different viewpoint, hope you don't mind!!

i'm feeling a bit better now but still soo anxious, i hate being this way. :'( i'm sorry.............

i spy laura!! *glomps*

i'm so lonely. and i hate being lonely. i also hate feeling the way that i do. :(

*sigh* had a whole long thing typed out for everyone but my computer froze.. I hate when that happens. Sorry

*hugs everyone and glomps april back*

You don't need to be lonely, we all here are with you. Not in person, I know. Not a lot can be done about that.

I know, I just see myself as being pathetic when I cry because everyone's problems are worse than mine and who cries because thier mum shouts at them? Are they meant to make you feel worthless and pathetic? Are they meant to make you doubt that they actually love you? When their own mother dies, are they meant to tell you they would rather it was you?

x

Sorry
I. am not in a postition to read R/V threads this weekend I .I usually read them honestly. E-mail me if you need me. Things are , with my mothers (who has had her op) injury up in the air right now.

*cuddles laura and mark* how are you doing, mark? and what do you mean, things are up in the air with your mum? did the surgery go okay? (or am i reading it wrong? which is entirely possible...) and laura, i hate it when that happens too!! i hope you're doing okay... *more cuddles for both of you*

*hugs lia* your mum doesn't sound very kind or nice... i wish i could make things better for you, use some magical faerie dust or summat. i don't know. just something... :( but anyway, you have us with which to talk, and don't worry at all about talking about yourself in your posts, it's fine. :) i do it all the time and no one seems to mind... :-S (or do they??..... please let me know...)

i'm doing a bit better now. am listening to delta goodrem "breathe in breathe out" and it's helping calm me some... which is good. i also just took some time to listen to jaci velasquez and update my paper journal... very relaxing. at least, it was this time. i also "rediscovered" all of the blank journals i have - and i have a lot!! lol. not good as i keep adding to the collection!! :P heh...

i played wow for a bit but couldn't really focus. there's been some guild drama which i always find perturbing, so i didn't want to stay on too long as the guy who left the guild still wants to be friends with me and the guild is pretty against him... so yeah. :-/ hate it when things get messed up like that. :( i don't know. i'm just really tired overall...

*sets a box of cuddles on the table for whoever wants some* :)

updated r/v again... it's much more peaceful this time!! :)

*huggles everyone who wants them*

*huggles all who want huggles*

Hello all. Sorry I've been a bit absent the last couple of days. The old brain just isn't keeping up. There's been quite a bit going on here (IRL) and at times it's getting overwhelming. Really hoping that it starts to settle soon . . .

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that even though I haven't been replying, I have been reading, and am thinking of you all. xxx

*glomps kahlia*

sorry, it's the day to be glomped by april, i suppose. :)

sorry to hear that there's been a lot going on irl. i agree, hopefully it does calm down soon.

anxious again.......... :crying: so. over. this.

*glomps April back*

Sorry to hear you're anxious hun. Anything we can do to help?

no, i don't think so. it would've been nice had more people been 'round today to chat with but that's how it goes. quiet some days. and that's okay. i'm gonna go take a cool bath now with lavender salts i think... relax some before bed, read maybe, i don't know. it's been a really difficult afternoon/evening and i just want to feel better. :(

and it doesn't help that... oh, i'll talk about it tomorrow. or later tonight if i get back on.

<3

Okay sweetness. I hope you start to relax some - and that anxiety starts leaking away. I'm sorry it's hitting you so badly. :-( xxx

I hope you feel better April. Any particular reason you're feeling anxious? *Leaves jar of hugs in case you want them.*

Well it's past one in the morning, I have to get up in five hours and I can't sleep to save my life. So I thought I would grace you all with a poem I wrote. It's not very good, but in hospitals they have writing therapy sessions, so we can call this one of those.

Mummy, please tell me
What did I do?
Why can I never
Be good enough for you?

Mummy, why is it
That you push me around?
Does it make you feel better
As I fall to the ground?

Mummy do stop saying those things
Why do you spit such harsh words?
Oh how I wish I grew wings
To fly away with the beautiful birds.

Mummy from your hand
I shy away.
It scares me so
When your world turns grey.

Mummy you sent me
To that dark place.
Now I'm alone here
Without a soul, without a face.

Mummy you come close
I wish I was gone.
What is it I've done
That was in your eyes so wrong?

Mummy why was it
That it made you feel so good
To knock me down
From the place I stood?

Mummy, to you
Was I really that bad?
What was it I did
That made you so mad?

Mummy you're gone now
They tell me that's true.
So why is it now
That I'm still haunted by you.

Just thought I would share my joy with you all as you do at 1.16 in the morning.

Hugs for all who want them.
xx

*cuddles april* sorry that you've been so anxious today. Hope that your bath relaxes you some.

*hugs kahlia* its okay that you havent been replying much. Hope that life settles down for you soon.

*hugs lia* sorry that your mom is not being nice at all. I like the poem.. its sad, but good

*hugs mark* Is your mom okay? How r u doing?

*hugs heather and oliver*

Did 5 hours of my online class today.. So boring, but necessary i guess. Nothing to do tonight either.. Probably just going to sit around and watch tv or a movie or something. Jeez.. i really have no life, pathetic.

need hugs

missing boyfriend

sorry


:sad:

:-(

:crying:

soo... i'm not sleepy yet and it's just past 9pm. i should be in bed as church is in 12 hours and i need a lot of sleep to function, especially after such an anxious day. :( i ended up not taking a bath, but a shower instead, and our water was being stupid so it wasn't a cool one either, so now i'm warmer than i was when i went in!! stupid temperatures outside... but it's cooler out now so we're cooling down the apartment (with our one window that will open >_< and the screen door). gahhh. sometimes i hate this place... no a/c. at least we're not further south!! :-/

i did the very first step for applying to mercy. i'm scared. i now have the packet to fill out... damn it, it's complicated. if i'm accepted i have to go to the doctor's and get a full physical and std testing (i don't have any, but still, it's gonna be a pain in the bum since i hate urinanalysis... lol). oh well. if it's gotta be done it's gotta be done. i also have the packet for one other place i'll be applying and i'm going to read about the other place i'm planning on applying to shortly. grrrr. :(

lia, good poem. :) sad though, as laura said... i'm sorry that your mum has caused so many hard feelings. :( i wish i could help you more. and i wish that i could help you sleep. i wish i could help me sleep... but it's later there so more important that you get your sleep. :( *softly hums a peaceful song and hands out magical faerie sleep dust* hehe... sorry, am a little silly at the moment.

*cuddles laura gently* 5 hours of an online class... wow. that's dedication!! i couldn't sit and do that... unless it had had had to be done... lol. i get so impatient and frustrated if i have to sit for one hour and do work... please tell me that you took some break(s)? :P i hope you enjoy your evening - quiet evenings are good evenings sometimes, right guys? just keep yourself distracted... (was/am having the same problem...)

*cuddles kahlia* how's your day going so far? did you get any sleep last night?

*hugs beautiful_mistake* sorry, don't know your name... i'm april. :) i'm sorry that you're missing your boyfriend, i know how hard that can be... :( here... *sets a box of hugs out on the table so you can have one whenever you need one* that should help some anyway... hehe.

*sighs and hides*

*yawn*
*leaves tea and cocoa [cal free obvs] on table*

Hmmmm yum. Cal free cocoa. Thanks Heather. :-) How are you?

Oh, and April, I slept well both of the last two nights, thanks for asking. :-)

i hadda say bye to 'my' kids tonight :( they movin to texas :(
and went out to dinner with mate had waaay too much food :/
ick.

how're youu


:)

Awww, sorry to hear that Heather. :(
Yeah, I'm okay I guess. Still in one piece ... guess that counts, right?

it does *squish* poke me if wanna chat <3
x

*cuddles april, kahlia, and heather tight*

I keep trying to type something out but then changing my mind, I suck at talking. Can i have some extra hugs please? Sorry.

*hugs as much as you want* poke me on fb hun? [im getting offline but get messages on mobile] here if you wanna chat <3

*hugs to peoples*

I told my best friend that I SI. It took me three weeks to do. Needless to say, he wasn't impressed. Ah well, it's done now at least. One more thing out of the way.

I like your poem Lia , but yeah sad...

My Mum has had her op , will be visiting in shifts later .

My sister called me lazy , well " Lazy Arse" so hmm I could have done without that , did,nt want to walk to the paper shop , tired , neck aches

*hugs Mark*

Argh it's times like this I hate being a girl, I'm not really
girly and I keep argueing with my mum over stuff to
wear. I'm trying to meet my mum in the middle, but
she Is pushing me to far. Also feel very freaked out
about going to this hen night, as I said I'm not girly
hate this sort of thing I always stand out like a sore thumb.
Just want to hide.

*hides in a hole and cries*

goes 2 the hole where Scarletdreamer is and offers a naked penguin

naked penguins all round i feel i should explain what a naked penguin is... it is a Bourbon people !!!

Lol, was wondering for a moment.

What's the matter April? Do you feel like sharing?

*Hugs carefully*

xx

*Hugs Beautiful Mistake*

*Hugs I'm just me*

*Crawls in after April and hugs*

*sits next to hole and sends hugs down* :)
<3

*Hugs all in Crawls in after April and hugs*,
My flat tomorow.
Calm.
Feel bad for feeling axious/low when my Mum has severly hurt her foot/ankle and the rest of the family are running around like flys trying to cope :S

*hugs heather* thanks hun. How r u today?

*crawls in the hole with everyone else and hugs april*

*hugs jess* Its good that you told someone though. I'm sorry he wasn't helpful.

*hugs mark* You aren't lazy, that wasnt very nice of your sister to say. Is your mom okay after the op?

*hugs beautiful mistake* lol a naked penguin...

*hugs lia, lindsay, and jill*

hehe, a naked penguin... but aren't penguins always naked? (i don't think i've ever seen any wearing clothes minus the waiter ones in mary poppins who were in tuxedos :P) anyway... interesting. hehe.

thanks for the hugs and care, everyone. things are really rough right now. i got triggered at church today because the pastor was talking about self injury in his sermon and then there were skinny small girls everywhere and i just felt so huge and horrid... :( so i cut when i go home, almost as soon as i got home. not too bad but still. then i texted my np about it and she told me to go to the hospital and to promise her not to cut again today (because i said i wanted to keep cutting). :'(

needless to say, i can't promise that but i can try. and i'm going to... it's just that i really, really want to cut more, same place where i cut before... i don't know... i know i'm a loser for letting a sermon upset me but it's just... i can't cope right now. and i don't even know what i'm having trouble coping with!!!! :(

sorry for the rant... i'll try & do individual responses later. :(

*keeps hiding in her hole*

thank you Doikers and Fallinstar0317

i needed them hugs
always up for more
i'll share a packet of naked penguins with you ;-)

x

*peeks out of the hole and offers hugs to everyone*

beautiful_mistake, you and i posted at the same time. :) how are you?

im sorry it has been a rough day for you april
and hey you rant away baby
pm me anytime
im always here

love&hugs

b m

;-)

x