*cuddles Nicole* I bet it is funny... I know I would probably be laughing as long as it weren't scary, which it doesn't sound like. :) How're you feeling?

*goes back into hiding* :(

Nicole, sweetie, what's wrong?? *holds you gently and rocks*

*points at previous post before re-curling up and rocking*

i dont see the point in having friends if theyre gonna be so un-supportive :(

I saw your previous post, hon, just I wondered if you wanted to talk further about it. If not, that's okay. *gentle hugs* Unsupportive friends suck. :(

Just updated my r/v thread... :'(

it's not fair. i supported her when she was having a hard time :'( and now i know i'm gonna SI. cause i have to get off the laptop :'(

Please don't SI... you have come so far without it!! *holds you & rocks*

I spy a Hels!! ♥ How are you doing today??

*hides again*

i can't go without it :( i hate my sister SO much. i've gotta go, SHE has to go on the laptop. no matter how much i need support :'( will hopefully be on later.

Please try and go without it... you are stronger than you know, love. *hugs* Keep fighting... there are distractions other than the computer.

*sighs and goes back into hiding* :'(

Here I am at last =)

It's nearly 3pm. I've wasted most of the day in bed. More freaking nightmares. I have to be up early tomorrow, so I'll be online once some men (god sounds like we have men in and out of my house all the time atm =P) pick up the car keys =) I'm just an epic failure.

*curls up with Nicole & April* Hope you're both feeling bit better???

You're not an epic failure at all, Hels. *cuddles* I'm sorry that you had nightmares... they suck. :( It's nearly 10am here... have to do some schoolwork at some point today so I feel at least a little productive. :-X What men? car keys? *confused* Lol sorry, I must've missed summat...

I am SUCH A PIG!!!! :crying:

YOU'RE NOT A PIG!!!! *cuddles tight*

Just these two men who work at some garage but they come to people's houses to fix their cars, or do MOT's or services etc :) My mum's having her car MOT done this time :) But since she's at work, I'll have to give them the keys :P Make sense now?

I feel like a failure. Meh.

Nightmares do suck :(

What's a MOT? *still confused* Lol... sorry. :( I'm so dense.

But anyway, it makes more sense now. :)

I am too a pig. I have eaten sooo much today. :crying: And really, I have. I never should come over to my parents' house as they think I need to eat more than I really do, or something. My mum always tells me to go help myself to whatever, and usually I do, whether I'm hungry or not. EPIC FAIL. :'(

I am so sick of uni. And I have a TON of work to do... and don't want to do any of it. :'( Feel so ****ing overwhelmed, just want to lie down and never get up again.

*hides in shame again* :'(

It's nearly over? :) You're not a pig.

Don't know what it's called exactly, but it makes sure the car is roadworthy & safe =)

*hugs oliver* im sry about ur break up... and ouch your hand sounds painful. Maybe you should go to a doctor.

*cuddles nicole* i hope u managed to not SI. There are other distractions beyond the computer, you just have to find them.

*hugs april* you are not a pig! And uni is almost over for you, just stick it out another few weeks, you can do it! Dont give up.

*hugs helen* im sorry that you've been having so many nightmares, that sucks, but you are not a failure.

*hugs mark* hope that the acupuncture thing goes well.

I got an email from the girl my ex cheated with. I think I am more angry after hearing from her. And of all days, it had to be today, when i have a thousand other things that need to get done and now all i can concentrate on is this stupid situation i'm in.
Im not doing very well *hides*

April *Hugs* you are not a pig at all.
*hugs everyone else* I have gotten confused as to whats going on with different people sorry .

SO triggered , I was doing so well 2 and a half days S.I. free and now I've had a letter on behalf of a energy company chaseing a debt the guy who lived here before me got . NOT my bill . the people who wrote the letter call themselves Civil enforcment and Debt Recoveries . Sounds like they are the type of people who are balliffs :S I've taken 2 Diaz but I am so wound up and Freaked out by the letter I NEED to cut , My hands are shaking . sorry

*hugs mark* You don't need to be sorry. Can you try to contact the people and ask about the bill, explaining that u are not the person they are trying to get ahold of? Try to not SI. You are doing so well, we are so proud of u here. Try to fight it.

2 and a half days ****ed up , I cut , I'm so wound up and freaked out .
I'll show the letter to my houseing support worker tommorow .
I can't phone them myself , I have NO confidence in situations like this.
:(I just wanna scream ...........

*huggles April* since I have read through the posts I've forgotten what comment I was going to make about WoW! lol Parents always overfeed us...well mine do too. I always can put on...oh nearly broke a rule....lets just say going to my mum's doesn't do my ED any good, so I understand how you feel. But perhaps its good to put it all down on the food journal and explain that you find it so hard to resist when its put infront of you at your parents? Also, just hang on in there with uni for a bit longer, I remember when it was 6weeks to go, now its only 3weeks to go - you will do it! *cheers on april*

*huggles Oliver* ouch indeed about your hand, you must be doing some SERIOUS playing for your hand to have swollen up! yikes, a trip to a doctor who isn't going to sellotape your fingers, but instead perhaps prescribe anti-inflamitories is probably a good idea. I'm sorry to hear that things have had to end with the guy you were seeing, even though it is for his medical reasons and therefore easier to accept - its horrid for you to realise how much you liked him by him ending it and feeling crappy that way is never easy *offers oliver comfort food - calorie free ward version!*

*huggles Nicole* YOur neighbour sounded immature and yet hilarious! As for the friend that has upset you so badly. I hope this isn't the same one that has got you into this state before. You really don't need people like that dragging you down. I hope that whilst you've been away from the laptop that you've managed to find some other distraction techniques and stayed safe.

*huggles Helen* Lol about the lots of men coming and going at your house! Though I can only joke about this as I know its not true - I know you're like me and feel rather uncomfortable with random men in the house. You know until April asked you I'd never thought about what MOT stood for....do you reckon motor and transport could be in there?! I hope that you sleep better tonight, no more nightmares, you are not a failure!

*huggles Laura* Oh my goodness, why would that girl email you?! Why can't they all just leave you alone so that you can deal with the situation and move on?! I've no constructive advice on how to do all your other things when this will now make them so much harder. Perhpas just prioritise? and remember that your wellbeing goes at the top of the list!

*huggles Mark* does the letter have your name on it? If it has the name of the previous tennant on it you don't even need to open any future letters of theirs, and on this one, put back in envelope and cross out your address and then put "person no longer at this address. Return to sender" I had to do that on a LOT of post for the previous tennant in my flat who had run up lots of debts. If its more complicated than that, then your housing SW will be able to deal with the situation for you, thats what they are there for! Please try to not SI. try and stay distracted or play the 15mintue game?

Haven't cried yet today. Eaten far too much. Going to play on WoW in a bit, that'll keep me distracted and safe.

*goes out to smoking shelter*

OMG! I went to bed not only at a reasonable time but early (I average 6 hrs if I sleep as soon as I lay down -read: less than 6 usually 4-5-). I went to bed at 10... Fell asleep at 1130 and woke up over an hour early (515) and couldn't get back to sleep. What point is there in going to bed at a respectable hour if you wake up early enough to get less sleep than usual?!? I wouldn't complain about this if it weren't for the fact it isn't the first time it's happened. I can't win. I either stay up and get shorted on sleep or go to bed at a decent hour and get even less sleep.
*smacks head on desk*

*cuddles Oliver* Have you tried to stretch out the tendons in your hand/wrist before playing? If it's an overuse issue that may help. Sorry about your split up... but at least it is just to get health issues under control. May be back together sooner than you think. :)
*cuddles Mark* Even with a slip up, you still made it those 2.5 days. You'll make it longer next go round, yeah?
*cuddles Hayley and pets her hair and lets her cry*
*cheers April* you can do it!
*huggles everyone* Aside from what I've already read and/or replied to... How is everyone doing this morning?

*cuddles everyone*

Hayley, you're right. Thankfully, they're not coming IN this time :) I suspect it does ;) I'll ask my Mum later. It's the service this, was the MOT last time. Ah confusing times :P

*curls up*

Hayley , the letter is addressed to "The legal owner" I rent this flat so I guess the houseing association who I rent from is the legal owner? Perhaps I should not have opened it , it's scared me .
I have totally pigged out tonight because of the stress of it all , back to my diet tomorrow ( I hope I can say that , if not I'll edit it out )
I want to harm again , I'll try and keep myself distracted though.


Oh and MOT Stands for Ministry of Transport test , I looked it up *Dork* :P

*Waves at JK* how are you this morning?

*waves at Mark & JK*

Hi Helen , How are you feeling tonight?

sorry guys. i SI'D. thats 2 weeks hard work ruined :( and i had a MASSIVE fight with my mum :'( i know there are other distractions beyond the computer, but i find none of them work, the only thing that does is RYL. and hayley, it wasnt the same friend that upset me last time, but it was about that :(

*stretches and yawns and says good morning to Mark and pokes puppy Sinclair to see if he's up for a run*

I'm ok thanks, I cut last night too, but not badly so I'm ok with it. By the time I got off here last night I was too tired to do much, so thanks everyone ;)

Hope everyone is OK today, Nicole hunni, really hope you stayed safe.

Laura,April you guys have a lot on, so be gentle with yourselves 'k?

How did your day with your man go Hayley?

Helen, sweetie, you feeling a bit better? *hugs*

Crimson, I know how you feel about lack of sleep, I got bugga all last night, but at least I didn't have nightmares I guess!

Oliver, break ups suck, especially when we're a bit vulnerable to start with :( Take care of yourself, and agree that you should go to the doctor.

I have 2 big days ahead, tonight off to see my ex to keep trying to talk about selling the house and so on,and tomorrow my first session with my new psychotherapist.... so probably will be looking for friends in here later

*runs to get flat white*

*hugs Nicole gently*
Well we can all start again today then hey hun. Its not 2 weeks ruined, its one slip up and you're back into it today ok. You haven't SIed for 13 out of 14 days, which is a 92% success rate, OK? Stay positive sweetie and look after your wound properly *hugs again*

xx

*Hugs Nicole* I'm sorry you slipped up , are you taking care of the cut ? Please be careful.
*Hugs JK* I'm sorry you harmed too , please remember to keep it as sterile as you can , I know you both know this stuff but just to be sure.
I know it's early but I have had enough of today so have taken some Diazapam to make me sleep . I took 3 at once so I should sleep . Tomorrow is a new day , I know I shoulden't take so many pills but I just need today to be over , 3 is a safe amount to take although not recomended but I'm not gonna make a habit of it .
Stay safe you guys .

*hugs mark and JK* they were only little cuts, and i cleaned them after but i feel like such a failure :( hopen you're both ok (other than the things you said in your posts)

*thanks Dr Doikers ;)* Have a good sleep hun *tucks Mark in*

*hugs Nicole* good girl. If you're a failure then so are we hun, and I'm sure you don't think that 'k? Give yourself a break and be patient with your recovery.

*cuddles again, hands Nicole puppy sinclair's lead and goes to do some work*

but-you didnt do what i did today :( i was so nasty.

*hugs JK* hope tomorrow/today(very confused with the time differences!!) goes ok.

*hugs Mark* have a good sleep

*hugs Nicole* your not a failure, we all have slip ups, they are part of life, tomorrow is a new day.

*hugs Crimson, April, Laura, Helen, Hayley, and anyone else I may have forgotten*

My hand is still bad, I can't go to the doctors until next week because I'm on this course, but will talk to my teacher when I get back to uni and see if she thinks it is playing related, but yeah another 4 hours of rehearsals today.
I've not been so good, I sat in my room earlier nearly took all my AD's, hich is a lot, I just can't see the point anymore, feeling really unwanted and crap right now.

*cuddles everyone lots*

Hope you sleep well Mark
Nicole, sorry you've had such a bad day sweet *holds you close*
JK =D *big hugs* I'm sorry you've cut too

I don't know how I feel. Been talking about my 21st birthday celebrations...aha

*clings to helen* i told my mum i hated her, i hit her, just so she would hit me back, because when she hits me, it gives almost the same release as cutting. i threw things, i smashed things, i gave my mum a big bruise on her arm. i kicked her, punched her, slapped her and pulled her hair, because i know that if i do it to her, she will do it back. i am an awful person. i dont deserve to be here :'(

*curls up in corner crying*

*comes over to corner, passes nicole tissues and sits next to* your not an awful person

Nicole, listen to me darling, you're NOT an awful person. You're an amazing young woman who's just had a bad day. We all throw strops & arguments at one time or another. Maybe apologise to her when you're feeling calmer? *cuddles you gently* You are not awful. I would tell you if you were :( You do deserve to be here. Very much so.

*hugs oliver and helen, takes tissues* thanks guys. i just feel so awful. i have such a temper at times. and i cant control it :'( helen-i've already apologised to her. i'm banned from the laptop for a week (shes out now, so i've managed to get on it)

Your cats are beautiful *snuggles* Part of being a teenager babe, having a temper. Well I think so. If it makes you feel any better, I'm 20 & still have a few arguments with my Mum ;) Not so much now though.

aaw, thanks, thats garfield. i want another kitten lol. but my mum wont let me. i dont often argue with my mum, but when we do argue, its really bad :(

*cuddles everyone*

Forgot to mention earlier that I have a NP appt tonight... am worried, although not so bad as 3 weeks ago. It's crazy how time flies!! :-X

Am feeling rather stressed and overwhelmed at the moment, have so much to do in the next 3 weeks to get done for uni. Have to give practice presentations tomorrow for senior sem and I don't want to... :'( I'm really scared that people are going to think my talk/paper are **** and that I won't get a good grade on it. :'(

Other **** I posted about in my r/v thread... :crying:

*cuddles april*
i feel........lonely :(

*cuddles April* I'm sure no one will think your ****, and I'm sure you will get a good grade. just wondering whats a NP? hope the appt goes well though

*cuddles Nicole and sits with so she isn't lonely*

NP = nurse practitioner. Almost like a doctor, can prescribe meds (which is what I see her for), but isn't one. I really like her, it's just that seeing her ramps up my anxiety usually as she's the one that has the "authority" to send me to the hospital. :-/ I am almost positive she won't tonight, as I'm passively suicidal, nothing huge, but still... am nervous.

*cuddles Oliver and Nicole, sits next to Nicole so she won't feel so lonely* Oliver, sorry about your hand (and sorry I didn't comment sooner) - is it still swollen/sore? And Nicole, you're not an awful person at all - many people have tempers and sometimes mental health issues can make them worse... glad you apologized to your mum. *more cuddles*

*cuddles all 3 of you*

*hugs April* They will like it, if they don't tough **** ;) You'll fly through these last few weeks. I promise xx

*sits with Nicole* You're not lonely, no matter how much you feel it darling. You have us xx

thanks for sitting with me guys, but-honestly. IRL, i have no friends everyone hates me. :( i feel lonley as hell, because everyone i know has a best friend, and theyre so close and tell eachother everything. i dont have that, i dont even have anything close to that. i spend all my time at home. watching telly or on the computer, because noone wants to be friends with me.

*cuddles April* I hope the appt goes well for you, I understand getting anxious before appointments, I get incredibley anxious before any appointment with dr, uni person, counsellor. yeah my hand is still painful, I'm pretty sure its playing related because it gets more painful when I play, which really isn't good,you can get some serious injuries from playing instruments and then you can't play for ages, its got a support thing on atm and out some anti-inflamatory gel on it.

*cuddles Helen and Nicole*

*cuddles Nicole* You'll find some good friends as you go through life. I promise babe. If it makes you feel any better, my two best friends are people I met online. They don't live near me :( I don't have many real life friends. I don't go out much, spend 90% of my days online & on tv. Pathetic of me. I should be out working, seeing friends, having a life.. apparently. But things prevent that :(