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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Scarletdreamer 13-12-2009 10:17 PM

Well, I hope that the Seroquel gets to a good level soonish. Being psychotic isn't fun at all. I've had my times... ugh. Nightmarish!! *big hugs*

I feel like crrrap, and I don't know why. Well, I do, it's because I got up so early, and the med changes. And I texted my therapist ("T") but she told me that she had to go and wouldn't be available for an hour. I mean, it was for a family member that was dying and it was her turn to take care of him, but STILL, even though it was a good reason, it sucked. :( I felt so alone because I didn't want to interrupt my husband... then I started crying and ended up interrupting him anyway. So I feel really dumb. I hate - HATE - crying and rarely ever do. It didn't even make me feel that much better, and I couldn't really even talk about how I was feeling other than "I hate my life" and "I am so sick of uni," both of which things he already knew. I didn't want to say anything else for fear that he would get angry with me or hurt... and he apologized since he felt bad about making me feel like I couldn't talk with him.

Oh shizbang, I have so much homework to do and feel so overwhelmed... I don't want to do any of it and I'm so scared that I'm going to get incompletes this term if I won't get stuff done on time. SO SCARED!!!! *cries*

I am such a loser... :(

chocostashchick 14-12-2009 01:14 AM

you are not a loser, April
i don't talk to losers ;-P just kidding lol
but nothing you have said so far makes you a loser at least not to me
so at the very least you are not a loser to me
you have a husband and a family who cares about you so i doubt you are losers to them either
hope your head feels better
*hugs Kahlia*
i am sorry you are feeling psychotic. would it be a good idea to call your med person? it sounds like you might need your med or dose changed asap. you said you would reach out to somebody irl if you got worse but i think you should now because if you feel bad, that's already worse enough i think! you don't deserve to be going around feeling bad and like you are disappearing! you are clearly too awesome for that. look at you, you knew poor Puppy SinClair was still around all alone and in your awesomeness you saved him from neglect and abandonment! go you! you aren't going to disappear because the Denial Tent magic keeps everybody safe who is inside of it no matter what.
Laura, how was the concert!?! hope you had fun

SoMuchMore 14-12-2009 07:12 AM

*hugs callie, april, and kahlia*
The concert was really good. I love shinedown with every fiber of my being lol. This was the 5th time i've seen them in 4 years lol.
The thoughts really havent gone away... which sucks... but I'm still trying to ignore them. Although it maybe harder not to SI when I have semester finals all week so i need to concentrate on them and not on stupid things that come into my head.

Hope everyone is doing alright.

Kahlia1981 14-12-2009 12:56 PM

*hugs everyone*

I've only got a short amount of time before I crash for the night so sorry but no individual replies. Big hugs going out to all of you.

I saw my GP today and mentioned the headaches that I've frequently been having to him. He checked my blood pressure and said it was okay and gave me a script for panadeine forte. I've already used 4 and I still have a headache.

I had a scary moment today. I got home from my bike ride to the docs and happened to look at my covering on the belly piercing. . . The top had come off, but luckily the dressing meant that it couldn't go anywhere. I had to take my sweaty hands and put the top back on the piercing. It hasn't moved or loosened since then but I was terrified that I'd lose the jewellery and the piercing.

Anyway, must dash as I'm falling asleep whilst typing.

*hugs everyone who wants a hug, feeds Puppy SinClair and then retires to her corner*

Scarletdreamer 14-12-2009 01:27 PM

Good morning. :)

*hugs Callie* Thanks for the support and kind words... it means a lot. I feel like a loser a lot of the time - it's just frustrating to feel this way. I wish I were a superhero - my friends have called me "Superhero April" time and time again, lol, but I wish I really were one. I definitely don't feel like one... :( But anyway, how are you doing? You don't post a lot about yourself; you're just very supportive of other people, which is great... but I'm sure that none of us would mind you posting more about yourself. :)

*hugs Kahlia* Sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now... I'm glad that you got some meds for your headaches. I've been having a lot lately too and have been popping Excedrin a lot... the caffeine in it makes me really anxious though, so I have been taking more Klonopin (clonazepam) than I have been prescribed, although my NP doesn't seem to be concerned as we will be increasing my dosage soon. I already take 3mg/day - been SO anxious!! - and I think we're increasing it to 4-5mg. I have friends that are worried about that though, as they say it's addictive (which I know) and that in their experiences, 1-2mg is the most that patients are given. What do you guys think?

And sorry, Kahlia, I kind of sabotaged posting to you by turning it into a tangent about me. :( I'm awful with that kind of thing. :(

*hugs everyone*

CrazyHayley 14-12-2009 02:04 PM

*group huggles everyone in ward*

Hello!! Hello to the regulars, hello to the lingerers and hello to the newbies!! Well I do believe I last went out to the smoking shelter in september and then I did a little escape from the ward....my therapist tempted me over the back wall with lots of glorious promises.....

Anyhoo things have been good but are now on the slippery slope back down and so I thought I'd come somehwere where I can be safe as I don't want to mess up all the good work that I've done.

Hmm, so since I left, I've now become vegan and given up smoking. I've made it 5months SI free but I'm still struggling with bulimia, though no where near as bad as I have been in the past.

Anyhoo, you were never far from my thoughts and I just wanted to say hi to you all and wishing you all better days. xxxxxx

Scarletdreamer 14-12-2009 04:00 PM

Congrats, Hayley, for getting on the road to recovery!! :) I know that sounds cliché and everything, but it's pretty awesome that you're doing better than you were. *big hugs*

My husband stayed home from work today because I was doing so poorly yesterday. My T called and we rescheduled my session with her, for 8:30am later this week. :-O I don't know if I can get up that early, lol... well, I know I can as I have been getting up EXTREMELY early (I slept in today until 6:30 and that's the latest I've slept in weeks or even months!!). It's just I hope I'm awake enough to drive at that time. Ugh.

I am swamped in uni stuff and need some help with NO PROCRASTINATING, haha. Hubby is being kind and gentle with me today as I feel extremely fragile... :(

chocostashchick 14-12-2009 11:29 PM

*pats Puppy SinClair and takes him for his walkies because OMG when was the last time anybody walked him we can't have Puppy Accidents in the Psych Ward ew?!?!*

Hayley way to go giving up smoking!!!!! i have been off and on smoking for a few years now and i was months free but last week i gave in for some reason and i smoked my last one two days ago and right now i want to gnaw my arm off for a smoke. 5 months is amazing! for me with food it is so much easier when i only have safe foods around to tempt me. i dont know how much control you have over what's kept in the house but maybe doing a sweep and getting rid of all the unsafe food?

Kahlia i hope the belly jewelrey is still okay! make sure you clean it with alcohol or something since you had to screw it back on. since you just got it, if it falls off again, i would go to the piercer and have them see about putting a replacement in because you don't want to have gotten a defective one.

Laura i'm glad the concert was fun. i hope finals go okay and maybe you can do something to make sure that the thoughts don't interfere with studying, like have you ever done a journal? when you study you could take one with you and every time a bad thought comes up just grab the journal and write it down and then it is safely out on paper for you to come back to when you can and you can keep studying in peace? i don't know if that will actually work or be remotely helpful sorry lol

April there are lots of kinds of superheros. all you need is a power so figure out what your power is. You could be the Superhero Puppy SinClair Walker! or the Superhero April of the Amazing People who are Wives and Friends and Students and whatever they are just Amazing Superhero people. Your hubby sounds adorable btw. you must be a special person too if somebody as special as him married you.
and you are really sweet and yeah i suck at the talking about me, especially when i feel like a crazy mess and i am a crazy mess right now.

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 01:36 AM

*hides in dark corner - if there are any dark corners in the ward?*

I feel fragile now. Still. And hubby accidentally set it off. He's not perfect but he is adorable, physically and mentally. Just want to cry... so overwhelmed, so tired. I'm so close to Christmas break... just gotta remember that. :(

Callie, thanks for the kind words. I read your post on the board but haven't the energy or words right now to respond to it.

Kahlia1981 15-12-2009 02:27 AM

April - Hun, hang in there. If you need to cry, don't try to hold back the tears. Cryng is usually therapeutic.

Callie - Thanks for walking Puppy SinClair ... he's been kind of neglected for a little while and I'm sure he appreciates the walk. Oh, and the belly jewellery seems to be doing okay. I cleaned it and of course all the areas around it. If it does come off again I'm heading straight back to the piercer. I really don't want to lose the piercing this soon after having it done.

*hugs everyone*

My friend and I might be going to inspect a 2 bedroom unit this evening. He is going on a drive-by with the agency that is trying to help him find accommodation. I've got my fingers crossed that it's okay because I want to get out of this place I'm in as soon as possible. I'm living in fear that I'm going to get chucked out because of my MI. So fingers crossed...

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 10:27 AM

*hugs Kahlia* Thanks for the sweet words, love. They mean a lot - I know I say that a lot to all of you, but I'm not so used to having such a warm welcome from people. So it's been really nice to have such support when I am just getting to know you all!! :)

I hope that you do better today than yesterday... baby steps and all of that. When do you see your psych again about the Seroquel? does s/he know that you are close to going into psychosis again? *more hugs*

Crying is theraputic, I know, but I still hate it. It makes me feel like a wimp, a fool, for crying over what to most people would be nothing. :( I'm so... well, I won't say stupid, but that's what I feel like. :( Ugh. I wanted to talk to a friend last night who wasn't tired of me - I felt like my husband was, and tired of all my "baggage" too - but he was busy probably and I didn't want to disturb him. I might talk with him today if I can.

Gahh, up early again. It's 4:30am and was up half an hour ago. Didn't take my 40mg Geodon last night so I didn't sleep as well... silly of me, eh? *sigh* And I have the same headache that I've had for what feels like weeks... thank God for extra strength Excedrin!!

*hugs everyone, and cuddles with Puppy SinClair*

Kahlia1981 15-12-2009 11:46 AM

*hugs April* I don't have a regular pdoc at the moment. I have an appointment with one on Feb 1st ... but my GP and tdoc have referred me to an independent pdoc and I'm not sure when/if that's going to come through. My GP looks after my medication and he doesn't really want to touch it at present. *sigh* Story of my life ... I just wanted to tell you, that I hate crying as well. I hate it so much that I don't let myself do it often and when I do I start really feeling the self hatred. So, I understand where you are coming from. I hope you get to talk to your friend or husband and that you are able to talk things out from your head into the real world.

*hugs everyone and cuddles Puppy SinClair*

Today was a very quiet day in a lot of respects. I did manage to clean my room and do a few other odd jobs like that. *shrugs* One step at a time right??

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 01:54 PM

*hugs Kahlia* Yep, one step at a time. Today's going to be a busy day, I think... two finals, although one's just turning in a take-home final and doing an extra-credit question. The other one is only on one chapter, on musicals (how I effing HATE Intro to Theatre!!!!), so that shouldn't be awful either.

I am really struggling with my ED right now... I have barely eaten this morning but I want to purge... I know I would probably hate it since I am an emet but I would desensitize myself... and part of me wishes that I had died from my ED back in 2006, that my parents hadn't "forced" me into treatment. (I wasn't a minor then, but it still felt like being forced - they made the appt with the clinic while I was out of state, and then told me and took me there. :( Grrrr!!!) So yeah, really struggling. And it sucks because it feels like NO ONE understands. :(

whispering girl 15-12-2009 07:17 PM

they want me to go to a psychiatrist and take something for my si. never been to one before and a bit scared. still haven't made the appointment.

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 10:59 PM

Who's "they," love? Pdocs aren't usually that bad, although I totally understand the hesitation of making the call. I didn't call my N for 2 months I was so worried. But there are some good meds out there that can help SI/depression/etc. One of them is called naltrexone and I was on it for a bit, helped the SI urges go away until my body got used to it.

*big hugs*

Been a rough day. Seems like that's going around. :(

whispering girl 16-12-2009 12:00 AM

my general doc. can't do anything about the stuff they put me on in the hospital. doesn't know much about it. her and my psychologist are making me go to a psychiatrist.

CrazyHayley 16-12-2009 07:01 AM

I've no idea why I am wide awake at 5.30am, so I decided to come on here with a camomile tea to keep me safe from wondering thoughts....

*huggles scarletdreamer* thank you for your warm welcome back and your words of encouragement. It really does mean alot, especially as it seems that you are having such a rough time of it at the moment. I hope that you managed to have another talk with your husband, he sounds really supportive. Its such a shame when our loved ones trigger us accidentially isn't it? I really hope that today is a better day for you.

*huggles chocstashchick* giving up smoking has been attempted, partially achieved and then failed many times before. And its only been a week!! Its the SI that I've gone 5months without. I started smoking as a more sociably acceptable for of SH (not tip giving, warning so I hope thats ok to put!)....stupid stupid 'cos of course you then get addicted and when I'd have the one or two occassional fags I ended up on 15-20 day at one point!! I then cut that down to 10menthol and gradually worked from there, but generally I've never given up smoking for myself, its always been for other people. Which I guess a bit like all forms of SH, we need to want to get better ourselves, in our own time, when we're ready with the appropriate support in place, otherwise we're just making things more difficult in the long run. So don't go knawing your arm off, just try your best, thats all anyone can ask of you. Thanks for walking puppy sinclair, he's a new addition to the ward since my escape so I wasn't aware of him...whoops! *pats puppy sinclair affectionately*

*huggles Kahlia* oh my goodness, how are you doing?! Ok, stupid question when obviously you've still got your struggles, but when I was in here last you had your arms in plaster and had all sorts of stressful events going on which soooo wasn't fair on you. Oh I really hope those things are behind you now and you can concentrate on yourself again.

*huggles whispering girl* I know its scary when we get referred to new dr's in whatever format they are, but remember that they are there to help you. When I was referred to a psychiatrist, they recommended that I came along with a freind so that my wait was less anxious (friend didn't come in actual room, though I think could have if I requested) and also so that I had someone to accompany me home and stay with me for those first few hours that I would more than likely be triggered. I thought that was a really sensible thing for them to suggest and showed that they had some notion of how I'd be feeling. If its not suggested for you, then I suggest that you suggest it!! (hmm, did I say suggest too many times in one sentence?! Is there a rule for that? School was soooo long ago! lol)

I went out today (well yesterday I guess) met up with a friend in my area that I made through RYL and it did me good to get out and be able to talk freely with someone without them juding me....but we went to costa coffee and I had 2packets of crisps and a large caramel latte (made with soya milk). At home my cupbaords are generally stocked with negative calorie effect foods, the problem with my eating is when I'm out or staying at my boyfriends. When I'm low or triggered I just have no willpower, the food has power over me and then its time for the laxatives :(

Hmmm, this is a lot of waffle, I'd better shut up now.

CrazyHayley 16-12-2009 10:37 AM

Wow I've just noticed it took me half hour to type my waffle earlier!!

Morning everyone!!! (who's in my time frame) *hands out coffee*

Night night to you others who are elsewhere in the world *hands out bedtime drinks*

And for those of you inbetween, afternoon! *hands out afternoon snacks*

*gives puppy sinclair a doggy biscuit*

I've a dr's appointment today, but this is an ear specialist as I've had a recurring soft tissue infection in my ear since I came back from Kos at the end of June!! Hopefully it'll go ok and I won't get too anxious or in a tiz-woz as its somewhere new etc. I'll let you know how it goes later. Wishing you all a better day today. *GROUP HUGGLE!!!*

Scarletdreamer 16-12-2009 02:47 PM

*hugs Hayley* Thanks for the hugs and the kind words. It is difficult when loved ones trigger us, especially when it's my husband. :( Usually it's okay but sometimes he says the wrong thing and I get so upset!! I'm a little too sensitive for my own good I think. :(

What are crisps? potato chips? Anyway, it was probably good to have a little extra calories even if they weren't the healthiest, since you have at home "negative calorie effect" foods. That's not too healthy either... but I am NOT condemning you as I know we all have our problems and issues that we need to cope with and all... just mentioning that maybe you needn't be so hard on yourself. *more hugs*

Hope the doctor's appt goes well. I hate going to the doctor's, lol... haven't in a bit but probably ought to go see an ob-gyn eventually as it's been well over a year. And my eye doctor so I can get more contacts, and maybe the dentist as my teeth have been EXTREMELY sensitive. Thank God my husband's job provides health insurance!!

*hugs Whispering girl* Yeh, what Hayley said makes a lot of sense. See if it's okay to bring a friend along, because that will definitely help you with being nervous. It's always good to have backup in case you get too scared to keep going with it. I don't remember my first pdoc appt (I was 17) but I remember that my mum was there with me and that helped some. It didn't help though, that this pdoc hated teenagers and also had a funny smell to her office that made me feel wobbly. :( That sucked. Anyway, keep us updated - let us know when you make the appt, etc. That way we can support you the best way we know how to. :)

I'm not doing too well myself. Came on here as I just ate and am trying to stay out of the bathroom. I feel like I need to purge - very new urges, usually it's just restricting and overexercising, but lately I haven't been exercising much and have gotten fat and out of shape :( - so I am distracting myself!! Lol. Probably typing about it isn't the best thing to do, but it lets you all know what's going on. And that's probably a good thing... right? :-/

*hugs everyone*

one_step_closer 16-12-2009 02:50 PM

*hugs everyone*

I wish I could feel better, normal. I want motivation and not to be so low and scared of everything.

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