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Doikers 07-09-2010 11:34 AM

It took an absolutely colossal effort to get out of bed again :( I just want to crawl back under my blanket .
My nurse mentioned that she might take me to check out a rehab to help deal with with my alcohol , because the Antabuse is like the only barrier to stop me drinking right now , and also to help me stop Self injuring which has become a daily occurance again ( I did not do it yesterday though )
and I am finding it SOOOO difficult to cope with all my Self injury , it's making me all the more depressed :S

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Kaytee*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs the Ward*

Doikers 07-09-2010 01:35 PM

I have said I want to be S.I free by my birthday , I will be turning 30 on the 7th of November and shoulden't still need to do it , But it's dawned on me today ( Exactly 2 months untill my birthday ) how completely un-realistic that is . I'm also feeling extra low because it's only 2 months until the big 30 . by then I will have been harming for 16 years, 16!!!! *Sigh* Sorry.

Scarletdreamer 07-09-2010 01:36 PM

*spies Mark & glomps* :D

Just got up... gahhh. When Jarrod's not at work we tend to be lazy & he has an absolutely awful sleep pattern of not getting sleepy until like 1:30-2am and I go to bed around 8:30-9pm so he wakes me up when he comes in, and I like sleeping so I tend to sleep in until either I wake up or he wakes me up by getting up... so we didn't get up today until 7:15am. Yesterday we slept in until 8am. UGH. I HATE SLEEPING IN LIKE THIS!!!! >:( I much prefer getting up at 6am and being a little more tired than getting up later and feeling in a rush to get breakfast/take meds. :(

Anyway. Rant over, I promise. :-/

*cuddles everyone* I'll try & do individuals later... I know I always say that, but I do try at least. :-/

~Kaytee~ 07-09-2010 01:59 PM

*cuddles Kahlia*

*hugs Lia* hope your not feeling scared now x

*hugs Mark* you can do it. i dont know what else to say right now sorry... *cuddles* really crap for support atm ><

*hugs April* hope you have a good day, ha, rant away alll you like =)

Doikers 07-09-2010 02:07 PM

This afternoon I have Auricular Accupuncture which helps calm me so long as it's not too busy and that this one guy who was a bully to me at catering college (Twelve years ago but it still hurts and I'm not comfortable around him) isn't there .
Then I meet Anne at the volunteer buero who I can open up to , she is super nice , She is American but must have been over here for a while as her accent drifts between American and English :) Which I think is so cool :)

*Hugs Kaytee* Thanks for the cuddles :)

MammaMia 07-09-2010 02:14 PM

*cuddles everybody*

Went to the college again today. Diddn't do much really. LOL you'd laugh at me, I got off THREE buses (it's two there & two back) before my stop. First time was worse though, had NO idea where I was. Then it dawned on me, it's a place I never want to walk down ever again. Just because of who possibly still lives in that road with his mother & youngest brother *shudders* Hard enough being on the bus in that road! Being pathetic I know. Oh well, I was really brave and was fine. Then got off two stops too early for college, silly billy. Then went to get off thinking it wouldn't stop before my stop, but it stopped outside the supermarket LOL. Then hilariously got on the last bus when it eventually came and fell asleep, luckily woke up before I missed my own stop!!!

Then came home to an exciting email. Some of you regulars (well more April/Kahlia/Mark than anyone) remember last year that I took part in 6 case studies for a brochure that's produced for college students with disabilities considering university...well they contacted me today saying that UCAS (Universities and Colleges Admission Service) had seen my case study and would like me to do something for them :D So waiting for their email as I've given permission for my email etc to be passed to them :D

Doikers 07-09-2010 02:19 PM

HEEE well done on getting to college Helen :) That UCAS deal sounds really exciting too ,I'm happy for you , do you know what UCAS would want you to do? *Hugs*

one_step_closer 07-09-2010 02:21 PM

*hugs everyone*

Helen, that's so exciting!

I'm tired of spending my days and nights in front of a computer screen and being terrified of being with people. I just want to be 'normal.'

MammaMia 07-09-2010 02:40 PM

Thanks Mark & Lindsay :)

Mark, the first email DID say this -
Quote:

They have seen your case study in Skill’s into HE 2011 and would like you to contribute a case study to this publication looking at issues such as :

How did you feel about disclosing their disability on their UCAS application? How were you first put in touch with the university disability officer? When did you first contact the university disability officer? How were your needs assessed? Did you need to visit the disability officer? What information did the university provide for you? What information did you have to provide for the university? What arrangements were made for you? Did you discuss your disability with their academic tutor? How have the found the help/equipment you’ve received?
So I expect it'll something like that ^

I feel bit of fraud :/ As I obviously left university after I'd been chosen and stuff. However, they are aware of this and seem to have no problem...least I do have a whole year of experience to write about? :S Pretty sure couple of the other people picked left soon after writing it after their course had finished...

taz35 07-09-2010 02:44 PM

*hugs Lex* I wish I could help you... or make you stop. :(

*hugs Felicia*

*hugs Heather* I'd rather have BBQs than all the junk people serve at Christmas >< But I get what you mean.

*hugs Mark* Enjoy your acupuncture :) And I'm glad there's someone you can open up to.

*hugs Lindsay* If there was a magic pill to make everyone "normal" I'm sure we'd have been informed by now. :( Is there a way you can maybe slowly adjust to being around people? Small groups at a time? Sorry if that's crap advice.

*hugs April* Ick :( Although 7/8 am to me is early :/ I suppose you don't want/have an alarm to use to wake you up at 6?

*hugs Hels* LOL - I did that once >< Felt so dumb for it, but it seems it's a common occurrence :) Have fun with the UCAS! :D

*hugs Kaytee* I hope you get the help you need, and hope the CBT goes well for you!

*hugs Kahlia* Makes sense. At least she was honest and open with you =/ Do you feel she's someone you can talk to?

*hugs Lia* I wish I could make whatever's scaring you go away.

Sorry for the short individuals. Very small attention span this morning. Brother & sister were loud getting ready for school so I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep >< Hopefully this means I'll fall asleep early tonight...

shadowedsoul 07-09-2010 03:05 PM

Cuddles all, taz erm yeah I went to the doctrs. Sorry for not explaining more kind off out of it right noW

shadowedsoul 07-09-2010 03:52 PM

Crap I feel very triggered right now. Hmm started looking around my room for stuff to harm with . curls up into ball.

one_step_closer 07-09-2010 04:41 PM

Try not to harm, you have control over this. We are all here to support you.

RYUU 07-09-2010 05:04 PM

* hugs everyone * just back from my psychiatrist was like talking to my ****ing self told her about the voices and that they were really bad she just said that i need to reduce them more because they are making me sleepy
and maybe they will take me off them all together witch will leave me with nothing

taz35 07-09-2010 05:23 PM

*hugs Jill* Not a problem. I hope you're feeling back to "normal" soon <3

*hugs Lindsay*

*hugs Reaper* She said you need to reduce the voices more? :/ Or were you referring to medication? Either way, I hope you feel better soon too <3

My back is still really bothering me... I know I should go to the doctor's and get it checked properly, but I feel like I'll be annoying him, or seeming like somebody who just wants attention. Especially since he just spent 4 months trying to help with my depression... I don't want to bother him with something petty like this. >< ARGH.

RYUU 07-09-2010 05:24 PM

she want me to reduce the medication more so i wont be sleepy on them but isnt doing anything about the voices

Doikers 07-09-2010 05:39 PM

*Hugs Lindsay , Taz, Reaper ,Jill , Helen*

PoisonedApple 07-09-2010 05:44 PM

*hugs everyone*
morning :)

FlyingNy 07-09-2010 05:58 PM

Hey all.

I'm back from an odd day at school. It's weird, I feel like I'm starting all over again. I have some new subjects, but we are starting fresh courses in all the familiar ones, and English was so weird without my old teacher...I miss her so much. I feel pathetic, I mean, she was my teacher, but I know what I felt, and I loved her. I still do, her going doesn't take that away.

Still, in theatre I was talking to this boy (I go to a girls' school, but boys are allowed to join in year 12) and within the first 10 minutes we were discussing porn and his cross dressing habits (there's an explanation, I swear) and I don't normallly go in for talking to boys because I find the male sex in general uncomfortable, but my teacher made us all talk to the person sitting next to us and announce stuff about them afterwards.

My laptop's making funny noises at me...

Anyway. *Hugs Crimson* Morning! Although it's late afternoon here. How are you today?

I'm sorry you're feeling bad today Mark, and whereas coming off self harm in two months when you've been harming for 16 years may be hard and unrealistic, there's nothing to say you can't have at least lessnened the habit by then. You could get it down to once every other day, then twice a week, once a week, couple of times a month etc.

*Hugs Reaper* I'm sorry, you seem to have a lot of problems with the voices. If you'd rather be tired and get rid of them than it's your choice. The meds are meant to help you as much as possible and the sleepiness will wear off after a while.

Doikers 07-09-2010 06:01 PM

*Hugs Crimson* Morning , how are you today?

*Hugs Lia* Sounds like you had an eventful day, I hope your laptop is okay :)


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