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Detour. Derail 03-09-2010 09:54 AM

someone please tell me why I cant stop crying

flutterby butterfly 03-09-2010 10:03 AM

^^ **hug** ^^

Doikers 03-09-2010 10:41 AM

*Hugs Lex*

*Hugs Mara*

Kahlia1981 03-09-2010 11:21 AM

*huggles everyone*

To those who asked about my housemate: He's not crash hot, sort of playing it by ear. He's sleeping until about 10 maybe 11 in the mornings now, has lots of stomach issues - which was what drove him to the hospital because the pain and nausea was so bad he couldn't take any of his pain or psych meds. Not sure what he's planning to do ... He does have a GP appointment on Sunday, so maybe just waiting until then.

April: It's okay, I know you have a lot going on. I'm still working on a "part II" to that PM as well by the way. Things just seem to be crashing/raining down on everyone at the moment. I'll write about me at the bottom but just in case you miss it ... I really am not crash hot.

To everyone who sent me hugs/good wishes/etc: Sorry for grouping you all together but I didn't want to inadvertently leave someone out. Thanks so much it was really appreciated. Not doing brilliantly at the moment and I can do with all the support that I can get.

About me: My psychiatrist asked me to half the amount of Xanax I'm taking so that I'm on 4 mg per day instead of up to 10 mg last week via email so I've been suffering withdrawals from that. He was speculating that the half life of the xanax (10 hours) was causing me to wake up early in the morning on the nights I could sleep and was stopping the mogadon (sleeping pill) from working when I was attempting to use it because I couldn't sleep. Anyway the experience is not pleasant. I am terrified every single time I leave the house now. But I don't have a choice sometimes. *sigh*

My housemate has noticed the "change" in my eating as I've let my anorexic mindset take control except for yesterday's major binge session which my housemate was incredibly happy about. He even commented that he was really happy because he was beginning to get concerned about my eating habit change and some "unhealthy" thought patterns towards eating.

I've started having stronger urges towards ODing, SI and some very strong urges towards suicide which I start talking about with my housemate but he made a really hurtful comment towards me and then walked away before I was able to say anything.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talking about suicide
I'd been talking about cleaning up after my ex's suicide in 97 and was talking about the mess and he said "remember that when you get those **ng*ng urges". I could have sworn at him. He didn't give me time to say that the reason I had the plans I had was to reduce that mess or make it so the mess was reduced or whatever.
Grrrrrr. I'm sorry. He also got me moderately annoyed when he got the level where he got free meds. Especially when I've paid for half of his medications so far...

Anyway I feel like absolute crap. I'm just so damn over it. I don't even know if I want to live or not anymore. I'm so sick of trying. Screw it all. Really.

Doikers 03-09-2010 11:23 AM

Women , your opinions please , If you got your favourite chocolate bar and a seaglass pendant roll up in a crinkled scarf with wooden buttons on in a bag that has happy birthday written on it for your (30th) Birthday would you like it? , I haven't had the oppourtunity to show my sister or mum and wanted a womans thoughts. I know individual tastes mean a lot but I mean in general do you think it's a good presant? It's for my best friend .

Doikers 03-09-2010 11:29 AM

Oh Kahlia :( I'm sorry you are struggling so much *Hugs* I wish I had magickal faerie dust to sprinkle over you ...

The One Who 03-09-2010 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doikers (Post 2472897)
Women , your opinions please , If you got your favourite chocolate bar and a seaglass pendant roll up in a crinkled scarf with wooden buttons on in a bag that has happy birthday written on it for your (30th) Birthday would you like it? , I haven't had the oppourtunity to show my sister or mum and wanted a womans thoughts. I know individual tastes mean a lot but I mean in general do you think it's a good presant? It's for my best friend .

I think that sounds lovely, as long as jewellery and scarves are their thing, which it's not for me. But yeah, if it suits their interests then it sounds great!

Hello everyone, sorry, not up to individuals, feeling a mix of anxious and spaced.

Doikers 03-09-2010 11:39 AM

Well I asked her what she would like and the only answer I got was jewelery so , yeah , it's her thing , I really wanted to treat her as I know she is struggling with turning 30 ( As am I this year ,ugh) and I wanted to make her happy on her birthday.

The One Who 03-09-2010 11:45 AM

I think it sounds lovely, I'm sure she'll appreciate it. I have no idea what it's like to turn thirty, but could you both look at it as age being just a number? You are only as young as you feel.

Detour. Derail 03-09-2010 11:53 AM

I think it sounds good!!!

one_step_closer 03-09-2010 12:00 PM

Sounds great. In fact, I might just steal it.

Doikers 03-09-2010 12:06 PM

HEEE!Thanks Claire, Lex and Lindsay, you have given me a bit of confidence in my presant (Make Sense?)

Scarletdreamer 03-09-2010 12:54 PM

Ooooh Mark, I'm gonna come over there & steal it as well!! XD It sounds absolutely lovely. Really does. You definitely ought to have some confidence in giving gifts, that's really a splendid one. :) *hugs* How are you doing this morning??

Sorry, too many posts to reply to right now, but:

Lia - PM me anytime, I'm always about. :) Well, not in the middle of the night, but you know what I mean. *hugs* And yes, maybe PM me the next time you feel like taking those pills? because letting feelings out can really relieve those types of feelings. I know I'm no therapist (yet) but... maybe I can help, I don't know.

Kahlia - sorry you're not doing very well at all, and I think that that comment about the bingeing was very inconsiderate of your housemate, ugh. :( Please keep talking with us especially if you don't have anyone else to talk with IRL, and please don't give in to the suicidal urges. Your life is definitely worth so much more. Please, hon. You've got to believe it... I know that we do. <3 *cuddles gently*

Shaughnessy - welcome to the thread!! I'm sorry your dad's like that... but I am glad that you have a way to kind of escape IRL. That's good. Also, posting here is good - this is a welcoming, supportive, and awesome group of people. :) *hugs if okay?*

*hugs Lex, Mara, and Claire* How are you doing??

Okies. End to replies. Just wanted to do a few (lol) and yes Lia, I suppose I do give a damn about some things if I do epic replies. ;) I care about you all, yes, all of you, whether you think you're worth caring about or not. :)

Just got up about 20 minutes ago which is rather scandalous for us... 7:30am. Haven't slept in that late for years now... Jarrod came to bed around 2am which I find ridiculous... but he's still suspended from work, "pending investigation" for something he didn't do but sounded like he did (for whatever sense that makes). So that definitely does not make me happy. :( It's nice having him home, but then again, that gives someone to monitor over my food intake etc. :-/ *sigh* Oh well.

And guess what?! I'm STILL EXHAUSTED. Even though I slept from 9pm-ish until 7:30am-ish!!! I make no sense. And I still haven't had my meds, silly me. Ought to go get those in a bit I suppose, ugh. At least here no one "looks at me funny" if I mention meds, since most of us are on them... In WoW, with anyone that I don't know too well, if I mention that I "am gonna log for a bit to do morning stuff, get meds, etc." they're like... "what the hell?!" ... although not in those words. Haha. Oh well. Makes me feel rather... crazy.

*cuddles all & does the Futterwacken on the way out*

risenfromperdition 03-09-2010 01:08 PM

im stealing it too mark ;]

*cuddles april and alexx and lia and kahlia and taz and laura*
<3 will do individuals in a bit, aunts almost here

Doikers 03-09-2010 01:21 PM

[quote*cuddles all & does the Futterwacken on the way out*
][/quote]

What is that^^^^^^ April ? Futterwacken sounds hilarious and rather rude , like a german swearword:)

I just hope my friend loves her presant as much as all you stealing girls do :)lol

Scarletdreamer 03-09-2010 02:05 PM

This, my dears, is the Futterwacken:

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhSROXv6k9U[/ame]

I love this clip. XD It's from the new "Alice in Wonderland" ... :) And Mark, lol, I do agree, it's like a German swearword. I have no idea where the producers came up with it, I suppose I could look it up... :P

Ugh. Breakfast. About time as it's 9am my time, but still, YUCK!!! At least I got to see how to use our new blender. ;) I know how to use blenders, but this one is new and fancier than what I'm used to. Ahaha. >_< It's an okay smoothie ("protein drink") but my nutritionist lied to me when she said that I wouldn't be able to taste the banana. >_<

Anyway. Hope you're all doing alright!! *cuddles and safe care packages all around*

Doikers 03-09-2010 02:23 PM

You know who I don't recall saying hi to recently here? . Our youngun Julie , Anyone noticed her about?

FlyingNy 03-09-2010 02:29 PM

Lol, I love that movie April. No one can be sat when the futterwaken is involved. :)

I'm alright Mark, don't worry about me. I still have the pills, but I didn't do anything after I posted on here last night.

I've felt like I'm falling apart for a while now, like things are getting worse and worse and last night was all that just blowing up. No one IRL knows, but my pervert does (the Samaritans, I email them sometimed and that's my nickname for them.)

I hope everyone's alright, sorry for lack of individuals.

*Hugs Mara and Lex* The two of you seem to be struggling right now, I'm sorry, I wish I could help. Just want you to know I care.

I'm sat here watching Sex and the City on my own. Is there a sadder existance? :/

FlyingNy 03-09-2010 02:29 PM

Oh and Mark, I love the sound of that present, if it's her thing, I think she'll really like it :)

Scarletdreamer 03-09-2010 02:51 PM

To answer your question, Mark, nope, haven't seen Julie about in quite some time. :-/ Am a bit concerned about her actually, can't even remember the last time she posted. Must've been quite some time ago. Has anyone here been in contact with her??

Lia, glad you're doing okay(ish) now, and also glad that you have the Samaritans to email if you really need to talk and get a somewhat immediate reply. Also glad that you didn't do anything more with the pills. But... I am still worried about you. *gentle hugs*

Hmm just finished breakfast - finally - ugh. :( I feel super full now. It's icky. And I didn't follow my nutritionist's advice either, to have it "first thing in the morning" - had it nearly 2 hours after I got up, ahahaha... >_< ...oops. Oh well.

I.want.to.sleep. Even though I just got up 2 hours and 20 minutes ago... I am ****ing exhausted. :(

I really need to... I don't know, be a nicer person? I just posted a relatively bitchy post on LJ and I'm afraid that people will take offense at it. :( Or else just tell me to "suck it up" ... ugh. Am tempted to go back and edit out the parts that are especially bitchy but I don't really want to do that either.

*sigh* :(


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