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SoMuchMore 08-04-2010 03:58 AM

Okay, Goodnight! Hope you fall asleep quickly! *hugs*

Kahlia1981 08-04-2010 06:58 AM

*walks in, puts her bags away after her vacation, walks around and finds every single person on the ward and gives them a big hug*

I'm sorry guys. I haven't been able to keep up with what you have all been doing. I no longer have a laptop and the hotel's computers (whilst not overly expensive to use for internet purposes) were so slow I was unable to connect to do more than the absolute essentials. I'm really sorry about that. I have missed you all though .... Although, I'm pretty sure that if any of you want a 6 year old boy, red hair, freckles etc, my friend would be happy to send him to you. Just kidding. He's at the whiny stage and copped at least 3 revvings but still didn't get the point. The joy of kids I suppose.

Anyway tbph I don't know how I am at the moment. We had a lovely dinner last night. The 6 year old was being a (not-very-nice-word) but the 3 year old (who was tired) was doing okay. But the adults enjoyed the meal.

I ended up pacing the hotel room for 15 minutes then sitting on the bed and bursting into tears for 30 minutes. And the worst bit ? ? ? I don't know why. It's driving me balmy. *sigh* I really hate it when that happens.

Anyway, I'm home now and I'll be around a bit more frequently.

I hope you are all having a nice night/day and doing okay.

*leaves great big hugs for everyone*

jonikd 08-04-2010 09:47 AM

awww hugs everyone, nice to have you back Kahlia *offers to help unpack* It is tough being away from your "normal" environment, screws you up a bit I reckon, hope you're feeling a bit more settled back here with us :)

I've kinda lost track of everyone's state of mind *apologises* but it is nearly 9pm here in NZ - which coincidentally is nearly ni nighs time. *yawns like the nanna she is*

Kahlia1981 08-04-2010 10:45 AM

*hugs everyone*

JK - Thanks for the offer of help! It can be quite handy. I'd have to agree with you. Being away can really screw you up.

For me though ... the worst bit came just then. I tried to take my medication (it's a large number of tablets at nighttime) and my body and brain refused. My brain was literally just screaming "NO". I had to force myself not to throw the tablets across the room. My housemate saw me sitting on the bed staring into my hand and asked me what was happening and all I could say was "I don't think I can do this". He basically took the tablets out of my hand and put them somewhere safe, gave me another tablet to calm me down - I was stressing out so much that I had worked up a really bad sweat over it - took me outside for a smoke to "relax" me. When I tried again (after allowing the tablet to take effect a bit) I was able to take them ... but I don't feel quite right. I just don't know ....

I don't think I can keep doing this. I'm scared on some level that my mind is just going to rebel and I'm just going to stop taking all my meds, and that could be severely disastrous. And while I know that logically, I don't know what to do about it. Is that weird? Am I losing my mind? What in whatever-you-happen-to-believe-in's name is going on?!

One more thing about today that I don't understand. I'm going to put this behind a "hide". Not because there is anything overly triggering in it, but I will mention the word "knife" and some feelings associated with it and don't want to accidentally trigger someone. Please, if you think there should be another warning associated with it, let me know.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Talk of knife and feelings regarding the knife - NO SI, non-graphic
We went into a Hardware store today. My housemate is starting a new "hobby" because his psychologist is continuously complaining that he doesn't have a hobby - apparently computers don't count, even though all the revolutionaries in the computer industry started out as "computer hobbyists" (for example the people who designed circuit boards) - we have yet to work out why. Anyway, while he was looking at what he wanted to look at, I browsed the store. It being quite a big store there was a lot to peruse.
The thing that interested me the most was a particular type of stanley blade. Normally when I am looking at such items I feel this deep sense of wanting but this time was unusual. I saw the knife, thought it was a nice looking knife, held it and enjoyed the feeling of it in my hand but I did not want it. There was no craving, no desire to keep it. I held it in my hand for a little while ... even held onto it while I looked at things that were not far away from it. But had absolutely no desire to take it home. I seriously did not want to keep it.

I'm a bit confused. Does this mean that some of the power that SI held over me is no longer there? Does it mean that the addiction that SI itself is starting to let go of me? I really don't know what to make of it. I may be more than 19 months SI free, but I have never before not felt a sense of regret or foreboding with leaving a knife behind.

This all leaves me a little confused. I'm also unsure where I stand in relation to mood. And I don't think that is helping with everything else that is going on.

Anyway, I hope you all are managing to get some sleep, or have managed to get some sleep and are awakening refreshed and ready to start the new day.

*leaves great big hugs for everyone, even more huggles for those that are struggling, the offer of my shoulder to cry on for anyone who feels the need for a cry and just one more thing .... a big Easter egg that my sister made .... its 1.5 kilograms of (home-made) Rocky-Road chocolate Easter Egg! - for those who want a lighter option, just let me know and I'll leave it behind .... *

jonikd 08-04-2010 10:56 AM

*hugs Kahlia and wishes she still smoked sometimes too!* Good that you took your meds hun, and that you've got such supportive flatmates. Very soon I guess you will be ready for bed like me *snuggles and gets all comfy*

The fact you didn't want the knife is AWESOME, well done you, that's a huge step on your recovery road I reckon. It sometimes feels like you're leaving a friend behind when you walk away from that stuff, but that type of "friend" is not one that we need *boots them out of the ward*

Take care hun, and 'shhhh' looks like everyone else is sleeping here. *shares about 200gms of the Rocky Road Easter Egg with a cup of hot chocolate*

Doikers 08-04-2010 11:03 AM

*Hugs Kahlia* well done on taking your meds thats a really positve thing to do . AND thats great news on not feeling the need to take the knife with you , thats a big step .
*Hugs JK* do you prefer JK?

jonikd 08-04-2010 11:12 AM

*hugs Mark* yeah my friends call me JK, so you lot here on the ward are best too also!

Kahlia1981 08-04-2010 11:39 AM

*hugs JK* - Thankyou. Yeah, my housemate is great. He's so understanding. I guess it also helps that he has a psych illness as well. And as it's 20:39 it's most definitely getting pretty close to bedtime for me as well!

*hugs Mark* - Thanks. Yeah I guess it is. It just feels so weird.

- It was like the normal craving wasn't there. I saw it, thought it was attractive and it felt nice in my hand, but was quite content to put it back ... Maybe I'm further alone Recovery Road than I thought?

*hugs anyone who wakes up and wants a hug*

MammaMia 08-04-2010 11:42 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I've slept about 11 hours, despite waking a few times & still feel mega tired. It's about 11.40am now. Want to go back to bed, hmm. However, a friend is calling me at 2pm & coming round. We're off to the pub. Then people are trying to almost force me into going out tonight. They know I hate it :'( I do want to do it for myself. But I just can't. Especially when I'm not in a very good state like this. Hmmm :( I just dread to think how today's going to play out, no matter what I do.

I nearly brought a huge quantity of pills yesterday. I don't know how I managed to avoid it. I really don't. I still want them :'( Yet I don't. My head screamed & screamed at me yesterday for it. Meh.

Scarletdreamer 08-04-2010 01:31 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Yeah, it is too bad about timezones, as it would be nice to be able to have more of a "live conversation" with you, Kahlia, and to get to know you better, JK, without having to stay up forever late!! :P

Kahlia, well done on the whole knife thing. I think you are further along "recovery road" as you put it, than you think/thought you were. I'm proud of you, for whatever that may mean to you. :) Hope you sleep very well and have sweet dreams... *hugs*

Oliver, I'm sorry that people were mean to you - asshats indeed!! I hope that things settle down in the next few weeks for you - it's rubbish that you have to go as a girl for whatever performance it is... :( *hugs* How're you doing today?

Nicole, how are you? Joc, are you around at all? LauraFriend?

LauraStar, how are you this morning? *cuddles*

Hels, that's a lot of sleep!! I wish I could get that much... I'm utterly exhausted. Last night was really a bad night for me, just feeling so alone in class and then sad too. :( Well done on not taking/buying the pills yesterday... *cuddles* Proud of you for fighting the urges, in whatever way you did!! :D

Mark, how're you doing today? *cuddles up next to*

Hmm... I am so tired... am going to eat my oatmeal (breakfast, you should be proud of me!! lol) then maybe take a nap. I'm so exhausted, mentally/physically/emotionally. :( Yesterday in Women & Spirituality we made altars/shrines to different things... some just celebrating our dreams for the future, some women did ones in honor of their grandmothers or families, etc. I did mine for a cousin-somehow-removed who died of a brain tumor late last year, November or so. I never got to say goodbye... and so I made a shrine to her. It almost made me cry. :( I guess that's good though, my way of grieving. But I don't know. I'll post a picture of it once it comes through to my email (took a picture on my cell phone). I was proud of how it looked... I think it honored her well.

But I'm still sad. And I really, really want to cut. :crying:

Doikers 08-04-2010 02:12 PM

*Hugs April* I'm so sorry that you're sad :( please stay safe , I really want to cut too and am struggling not to so I understand how hard that is *extra hugs*

Scarletdreamer 08-04-2010 05:25 PM

*cuddles next to Mark* I wish I could just be okay. I wish we could ALL be okay. I feel like such **** right now... am at uni and realized I forgot a notebook that I NEED for my ONE CLASS that I have today. You'd think I'd've remembered it but no, I took a nap and woke up 8 minutes past the time my tutoring hours started - on campus - and I was at home. DAMN IT. Today is just not a good day. :crying:

I'm sorry that you want to SI too... and you're about the same age as my husband, that's cool. :) He's 28. How are you doing now? how is everyone else?

*cuddles Puppy Sinclair...*

MammaMia 08-04-2010 08:06 PM

*curls up into a tiny ball rocking & crying*

Hope everyone's feeling better xx

SoMuchMore 08-04-2010 08:20 PM

*cuddles kahlia* I think that maybe you are farther in recovery than you thought. Thats great!

*hugs april* Im sorry that you are having a bad day... I hate forgetting things too, it makes me feel stupid, but you are not stupid at all.. Things are bound to slip your mind every once in awhile, especially if you were in a hurry.

*hugs mark and JK*

*curls up with helen* you okay hun?

Not doing great today. Managed to pull out my classes and the interview I had to do for one of my assignments, but now I just want to disappear. Hope i can keep it together b/c i really dont want to miss the party I was invited to tonight.

PoisonedApple 08-04-2010 08:28 PM

*huggles everyone and sits alone on a windowsill with a raspberry tea*

Doikers 08-04-2010 08:39 PM

*hugs everyone*
Sorry I don't have much to say , I'm drained I've not been eating well and today I over-exersized I think , maybe 2 hours of on/off walking . Thats not typical behaivior for me I'm just trying to lose some weight and I'm not doing it in a healthy way I just can't find a healthy way that I think will work for me .
I cut too , I Tryed to put it off I really did but I did it anyway . I'm not proud of it but I keep on coming back *sigh*

MammaMia 08-04-2010 08:43 PM

Not really Laura

*hugs everyone*

RiseFromTheAshes 08-04-2010 08:49 PM

Hi everybody... I'm Chris and I'm alone... and I don't want to be... :'(

SoMuchMore 08-04-2010 08:54 PM

*gently cuddles helen* Im sorry hun... If u need to talk feel free to PM me. *more cuddles*

*hugs mark* diets are hard to figure out. Please dont get into any really bad eating/exercise habits.. Maybe talk to a doctor about a plan that will work for you.

*hugs risefromtheashes* You're welcome to hang out in the ward with us. Im sorry your feeling so alone.

Doikers 08-04-2010 08:55 PM

Hi Chris :-)

jonikd 08-04-2010 08:56 PM

Morning everyone, been a lot going on in here, lots of us struggling *suggests a group hug*

Helen, hun, did you go out with your friends? I'm guessing its night time where you are now, so please stay safe and get yourself to bed. *squishes*

Sorry to hear that you cut Mark, one day at a time, just look after yourself and tomorrow's another day 'k?

*hugs April & Laura* would be nice to get to know you gals a bit better, hope things are ok for you.

*waves at Chris* welcome to our ward, make yourself at home I'm heading off to work now

*leaves hugs for anyone I've missed, & apologises*

Take care everyone, we all deserve better than this

PoisonedApple 08-04-2010 09:00 PM

*waves* Hi Chris! Welcome to the ward. *acts as tour guide* There's food on the table, and some tea too. And over there *points* is Puppy Sinclair... he loves to be pet and cuddled. There's lots of fleece blankies, duvets and pillows around as well as some plushies. And best of all enough corners for everyone.
Oh yes, and over there *points* is the denial tent.
We're a rather friendly lot and give lots of hugs and cuddles. Hope you don't mind. *huggles*
*retreats back to drinking tea and staring out the window*

MammaMia 08-04-2010 09:01 PM

Laura, I probably will pm you, don't want it broadcast over ryl aha =P

JK, it's 9pm here :) Nearly bedtime I suposse. But I never seem to sleep til around 4/5am these days. Although last night, I was asleep at 12.30am!!! I did go out with a friend...what happened after is what's upsetting me a little.

Hi there Chris =)

Maybe I should still go out with my friends. But I hate clubbing. Hmm..

jonikd 08-04-2010 09:06 PM

*hugs Helen one more time* whatever you do tonight stay safe hun x

MammaMia 08-04-2010 09:21 PM

Don't want to be :(

SoMuchMore 08-04-2010 10:00 PM

*hugs helen* yea i understand, sometimes i dont like broadcasting stuff on here either.. hence my sometimes vague posts.. even tho nobody i know in "real life" is on here. lol. If you decide to go out I hope you have fun.
But yea, go ahead and PM if u want/need to.

*hugs everyone else*

CrazyHayley 08-04-2010 10:12 PM

*group huggle*

Well there's been 6pages since I last paid attention (bad hayley-rose!) and at the moment my eyes are fuzzy and contact lenses dry so I have to admit I've not read them (bad bad hayley-rose!!) Sorry I've been quiet, been PMDDin and it makes me rather anti-social. Been hiding out all evening on WoW and I was even antiasocial on that, spending my evening fishing rather than joining in on quests with others. Going to my mum's tomorrow, so being social is being forced upon me. *sigh*

*waves at Chris* oh hello and welcome, crimson forgot to show you the luxury smoking shelter we have outside! You may not be a smoker, but just incase, there's heaters and comfy chairs and self cleaning ashtrays! Beautiful view of the ward garden! Oh and if you follow the corridor on your right (any right it doesn't matter, lol) amongst the numerous corners, you'll find a door situated somewhere that opens into the padded room. I've put myself in there a few times, can be handy. Oh and a hiding place of mine is under the floorboards, so be careful how you tread as a few of them may be loose!!!

urgh, gotta put rubbish out now and take my meds....

Thinking of you all. *super duper snuggles*

*puts out rubbish and recycling*

*toddles off to choose a corner to snuggle down in....decides to hide under floorboads as not been there in a while*

PoisonedApple 08-04-2010 10:19 PM

LOL Sorry bout that Hayley! Totally forgot about the smoking shelter since I don't use it but silly me since I like to sit in the garden!
*huggles* Being social can be good for us when we don't wanna be social.

*hugs n cuddles for all*

*gets tired of the windowsill being so solid and builds a window seat out of some pillows and curls up with a blanket to look at the flowers outside*

Scarletdreamer 08-04-2010 10:20 PM

ARGH am so frustrated and angry with myself, for no good reason. Am not okay, am not fine, and I don't know if I ever will be. :crying:

Sorry no individual responses at the moment, but hiya Chris and welcome to the ward!! *hugs*

PoisonedApple 08-04-2010 10:22 PM

*cuddles April* You will be okay. We're survivors :) PM me if ya need.

MammaMia 08-04-2010 10:31 PM

*cuddles everyone*

PM me if you need April.
Laura, will pm you in a bit. Didn't go out aha.

frenchhorn 08-04-2010 10:38 PM

Hi Chris *hugs* welcome

*hugs Helen* how are you doing now?

*hugs Mark* I'm sorry you cut, harsh exercise and dieting isn't good, please try and stay healthy with your eating and exercise regularly but at a pace suitable for you.

*hugs April* you will get throught this and be ok, stay strong

*hugs crimson* how are you doing?

*hugs JK* how are you doing?

*hugs laura* I hope you managed to get to the party and had fun.

*hugs Hayley*

why is the world so damn judgemental, why can't we just be who we are without fear of hate and discrimination.
I dont want tomorrow to come, I dont even know if I'll be able to get dressed, I feel sick thinking about it, I know its so pathetic, its just a few days.

*hides in a corner where no one can find him, because he is being pathetic and whinging.*

MammaMia 08-04-2010 10:46 PM

I've calmed down now & rationalised the situation if that makes sense?

Still feel bit **** but ah well. Getting my hair cut tomorrow!!! =D

PoisonedApple 08-04-2010 10:56 PM

I'm ok so far, Oliver. Aside for dreading tomorrow (I don't blame you I would too), how are you?
The world is judgemental because 95% of people learn nothing from being judged. I had a gay guy my sister in law knows tell me (the first time he met me) that I'm not bi because I am attracted to men and women it's just what I say because I'm greedy and want everyone to be mine and that it's an excuse to be a slut...*shakes head* How much more judgmental can you get? Everyone judges everyone else I think because then the focus is on someone else not on them. It's not fair and quite sad and pathetic but it's the way many people are. That it bothers you isn't pathetic. If it helps think of it as dressing up as a girl for Halloween... just a long Halloween. I know that sounds kinda dumb but never know it might help the getting dressed part. ...erm I kinda rambled there... *hopes it's readable and understandable*

"If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?"

*goes out to walk in the garden and tend the plants*

frenchhorn 08-04-2010 11:48 PM

Well if you take out the dreading tomorrow and the week which has to follow, I guess I'm okish, but I'm pretty scared that I am going to self harm next week to cope with it, I've been free for 2 months now. Its ok in the day because rehearsing and my best friend on the course is now over 18, so she can come to the pub in evening too, but its the nights when we have to be in our own rooms which will be the worse.
I get so angry when people say bisexual people are greedy and I get even more angry when people in the LGBT community judge others in the LGBT community, I know a lot of transphobia comes from within the LGBT community
Thats not a dumb idea, thanks, its just going to be tough, especially with probably no internet access and the stresses of having to learn the music in a week for a concert. Its going to be tough, but I am looking forward to the fact I get to buy my first DJ when I get back to uni for symphony orchestra, as I am out there and then get to live as male for qite a few months.
I'm rambling now so going to shut up.
*hugs Helen* I'm glad you've clamed down a bit, hope you begin to feel a bit better, hopefully getting your haircut will be good for you.

*goes out into the garden to stroll around*

Scarletdreamer 09-04-2010 12:13 AM

I am so ****ing angry with myself.

Pathetic whinger.


But you all are awesome... *cuddles everyone*

Kahlia1981 09-04-2010 12:25 AM

*hugs everyone*

I don't want to be awake. I've been awake for awhile ... but I still don't want to be awake. I think I'll have what my housemate refers to as a homosexual (fag/cigarette) - with definitely no menace intended. And then look at the time again and decide whether I can afford to have a little rest.

*huggles everyone then toddles off to the smoking shelter*

MammaMia 09-04-2010 01:02 AM

*hugs Kahlia & April lots*

*dances around happily even if she is low at same time LOL*

PoisonedApple 09-04-2010 01:11 AM

*comes back in from the garden satisfied with the results and hugs everyone*
time to go home from work... if I don't get online tonight I'll see everyone in the morning.

frenchhorn 09-04-2010 02:54 AM

*cuddles all*
I'm off to bed and probably won't have time to come on tomorrow morning, so I hope everyone has a good week and a bit and I shall be back sunday week.

*leaves lot of cuddles and fresh fruit*

PoisonedApple 09-04-2010 03:48 AM

*huggles Oliver*
*grabs a couple strawberries and a banana*
Don't let 'em drag ya down. Have fun at your concert.
*packs hidden hugs and cuddles in Oliver's suitcase*

SoMuchMore 09-04-2010 06:11 AM

*cuddles everyone* sorry my head hurts, i cant do individual replies right now.

I did wind up going out tonight. It was alright, but I'm home early b/c ppl really didnt want to stay out. I feel kinda numb and stupid.. but idk why really.

Doikers 09-04-2010 01:00 PM

Sorry for the lack of individual replies I feel kind of numb.....
*Hugs the good folk of the ward*

Scarletdreamer 09-04-2010 01:47 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I am so tired. Exhausted really. Jarrod stayed home from work today because I woke up whimpering from a nightmare and also because I don't feel safe. At all. And I don't know how deep (or where) I would cut if he weren't home to act as an accountability partner type of thing.


*more cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 09-04-2010 01:53 PM

I spy a Mark!! *cuddles* How are you?

Doikers 09-04-2010 01:58 PM

April *HUGS* I'm sorry you don't feel safe , I wish I knew what to say but I don't feel all that safe either , it's good that Jarrod is staying with you today .
Today is a milestone for me , I'll post about it later, right now I must leave the flat to keep from S.I. , lucky its a nice day :)

Scarletdreamer 09-04-2010 02:01 PM

Yey for milestone days... *cuddles Mark* I look forward to hearing about it... and good luck staying safe. :)

My eyes are heavy I'm that tired...


Just updated my r/v thread... :(

MammaMia 09-04-2010 02:44 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Am having a really good start to my weekend :D The sun is out shining again, I have a new boyfriend *giggles*, been out shopping & off to the hairdressers soon. I got a good feeling about today & tomorrow. Sunday, blah I'll get through it somehow :)

April, am sorry you don't feel safe but glad Jarrod there to keep you safe :D

Doikers 09-04-2010 04:30 PM

*hugs Helen* I hope you have a WONDERFUL weekend , Sunday included :-)

PoisonedApple 09-04-2010 04:48 PM

*hugs everyone*
How can I feel like it's nap time when I only got up about an hour ago?
*curls up in a corner for a nap*

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