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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

PoisonedApple 09-03-2010 07:19 PM

ok i feel a little better... I think I got everything down that could bring unwanted attn from family members... Still kinda nervous though. If she figures out which is my acct it would still be awful but I think this should at least keep her at bay for a little bit.

CrazyHayley 09-03-2010 08:16 PM

*comes back from smoking shelter* it's bloody chilly out there! Thanks for company mark, and that quote in my sig is by an author called Paulo Coelho who I love and his books have been a source of strength and inspiration for me over the years.

*huggles crimson* It's horrid that you've got to watch over your shoulder and hide things. I know that I went through a stage of not coming on here for fear people would work out it was me, and I'm going to delete my facebook account as I've family members on there paying too much attention to my goings on. Luckily now in the past 12months I've told my mum and some other family members and friends what has happened to me and my struggles, I finally feel free to be on here, say what I want/need and not have to worry. Perhaps if there is anything you really need to mention or confide then PM us, I don't really know you, but I understand you're in here and in need of people to listen and for that, I'm always here for people.

PoisonedApple 09-03-2010 08:36 PM

Thanks Hayley. Yeah I am 5 years "recovered" so far as anyone close to me knows. (Excepting a friend that is also on here.) I don't want other people suffocating me with their watching me and babying me and such... So they don't know I'm here for anything more than supporting other people this time around. Some days I am only here to support other people but other... not so much. And I vent here. It's the only place I can just let loose anything I want without feeling burdensome or whatnot... But family reading my vent thread would be catastrophic on so many levels...
My family's reaction is why certain things I'd put "fan" of facebook aren't on my facebook too.
Ah well. C'est la vie.

PoisonedApple 09-03-2010 08:37 PM

I hope that makes sense... I know what I wanna say but these days it never seems to wanna come out of my head in a way other people understand it.

CrazyHayley 09-03-2010 08:54 PM

yeah makes sense to me. Its such a shame that when we find our safe haven, eventually someone comes along and makes it not quite so safe. You definately need the outlet of your vent thread and I can only imagine the extra emotions that are going through you at the thought that she might stumble across it. Damn mother in laws!! I hope I'm never a mother in law... they may always have 'good intentions' but really...well... hmm, sorry I'm waffling. I don't have any constructive advice on that one I'm afraid, just wanted you to know I was reading and paying attention.

I've just made my mum her mothers day card. Going to make my gran her birthday card in a moment. Keeping myself occupied til meds and bedtime.

*goes out to the smoking shelter*

Doikers 09-03-2010 09:05 PM

is that the same guy who wrote " Veronika decides to die"? I have bought it but don't wan to be triggered so didn't read it yet , I'll read it soon

CrazyHayley 09-03-2010 09:45 PM

yup indeedy. Oh it is such a good book, I was worried too, but it has a happy ending and is really good to give you hope. I don't know what your triggers are or how easily you can be influenced but I was ok reading the book, only took me a couple of days. When I'm reading a book like that, that I know you have to read through the bad before you get to the good I just fester in bed all day reading til I get through it! Safest way and quite fun. The positivity and hope really has an impact on you as well that way rather than reading a chapter every few days or so. But each to their own....

CrazyHayley 09-03-2010 10:15 PM

Been listening to "stand in the rain" on repeat whislt cardmaking - oh how I really want it to rain so I can go outside and stand in the rain! I know that there is depth to the song more than actually standing in rain, but I want to feel like I'm being proactive and actually doing something, even if that something is standing in rain... or is that just strange?!

Anyhoo, its meds and bedtime, whoohoo! When I woke this morning I was scared at how today would go, but with your help I've made it one more day. Thanks everyone - even those who haven't posted today, I know you're all out there and we're all here to support eachother.

*group huggle goodnight (or morning for those of you waking up on different continents!)*

*curls up in corner with her teddy bear and hopes to sleep free from her demons tonight*

PoisonedApple 09-03-2010 10:55 PM

Totally not strange...
Good night and sweet dreams Hayley!

Jetforce 10-03-2010 03:31 AM

*drops by, but seems like no one is here, thus leaves some chocolate*

Probably come bk later on in the nite...

Doikers 10-03-2010 11:53 AM

I probably should force myself to go for a walk or something but I just can't face leaving the flat right now , I hate feeling so exausted . I'm just blah:P today , maybe I'll feel up to going out after lunch , earlier I got as far as the front door and just came back in :S , sorry mini rant over
* Hugs to you all *

Scarletdreamer 10-03-2010 12:59 PM

I'm glad that you liked "Stand in the Rain" - Superchick is one of my favorite bands everrr. :) I have all of their albums I think... and listen to them all of the time. Let's see if I can pull up another good song of theirs that I think you will like...

"Crawl," also by Superchick. They're a Christian band so please if the reference(s) to God offend you, let me know & I'll delete the video from here. :) I don't mean to offend anyone, so sorry in advance!!

How is everyone this morning? *cuddles all* Sorry I've not been around, been playing WoW a fair bit, but today I will probably be on longer... will be doing schoolwork >_< and housework **gag** (lol... I am NOT a housewife!!)... so yeah. Will be taking breaks to check up on you guys, post, etc., etc. :)

I have been doing fairly well so far over spring break... spending a LOT of time in front of the computer but I got to go to my best friend's house on Monday and got to cuddle one-day-old lambs and kids (they have a farm - goats and sheep mostly, but a few beef cows, chickens, and then in the summertime, pigs). They are sooo adorable... :) I have 2 sheep but they are at my parents', and I also have a goat... can remember when they were tiny too!! Hehe...

Am so sleepy... gurgghhh. Got up at 4:30 yesterday morning & even though I took 2 naps yesterday & slept until 5:40am today, am still tired. But, am always tired, so no surprise there. >_<

*more cuddles*

frenchhorn 10-03-2010 01:09 PM

*hides in a safe corner to try and calm down and control his anxiety, but keep his happiness*

Doikers 10-03-2010 01:10 PM

Superchick are a good band from what you've posted April , I've not heard of them before but I like:) Thanx for posting the video .
I am MAKING myself go out now just a short walk by the canal I think , I don't want to go but it will do me some good I think .

* HUgs April and Frenchorn *

MammaMia 10-03-2010 02:05 PM

*gently cuddles everyone*

I have seriously sore arms :S God knows why, probably from my heavy parcel carrying yesterday??

PrincessSparkle 10-03-2010 03:01 PM

Can I grab a duvet too,is there a corner for me?

Doikers 10-03-2010 03:20 PM

*hands a Duvet to PrincessSparkle*

Sefka 10-03-2010 05:57 PM

I'm too spiky for anyone to love me. Give me a duvet and I'll shred it to pieces.
I'm a mess. So I'm going to come back here for a bit :crying:

PoisonedApple 10-03-2010 06:17 PM

*hugs sefka*
you aren't to spiky for people to love you.
*covers with a fleece blankie*
I don't mind if you shred the blankie... it's soft to lay on top of then too.

Sefka 10-03-2010 06:25 PM

Thanks Crimson.
I like your Eeyore pic.

CrazyHayley 10-03-2010 06:29 PM

*takes some chocolate & insepects it to see if it's low calorie vegan friendly*
*decides it is...munch munch* Thanks Jem - *huggle!*

*huggles mark* how you doing under your duvet? recovered from your walk yet? You should be pleased with yourself for making yourself go out.

*huggles April* no offence taken by me with song, I'm a Spiritualist so I'll just substitute the word for one more appropriate to myself, the sentiment is the same, and yes a very beautiful song but not loving as much as Stand In The Rain. Hope the housework and homework goes ok and I totally get side tracked on WoW too! lol I have to do everything else that I'm meant to before I log on otherwise I'd waste away infront of it!

*huggles frenchorn* I hope that your anxiety has reduced by now and that you're still managing to smile.

*huggles Helen* ooh achey arms from huge parcel....*hands muscle rub*

*huggles princess sparkle* hope you're doing bit better under your duvet

*huggles sefka*....*removes a spike!*....you are not too spikey to be in here, we have amazing abilities to cope with all situations...it seems that I've been beaten to a blanket solving solution in my length of doing replies, but its a way better idea than I could have come up with...forgot we had fleecie blankets in our cupboards here - thanks for that crimson. *huggles crimson too*

quiet1 10-03-2010 06:57 PM

i have to go to that IOP appointment today - in about a half hour. i don't want to go. i am panicking. i can't do this. they are going to lock me up and throw away the key if they find out how i think.

i just want to stay home.

CrazyHayley 10-03-2010 07:02 PM

*huggles quiet1* I don't know what an IOP appointment is, but I'll be thinking of you and hope for the best. It takes a lot for someone to get locked up. Hopefully they'll just get you the help that you'll need on an outpatient basis. Try not to panic - though I know easier said then done.

PoisonedApple 10-03-2010 11:15 PM

i'm having trouble retaining stuff today... like i can read stuff 3 times in a row and not remember anything the second i look away :(
i'm gonna curl up over there a while *points*

Imaginary_friend 10-03-2010 11:16 PM

*hugs everyone* hope you're all doing better - sorry my brain's not awake enough for the individual replies you all deserve :(

i hate myself. and alcohol. and cigarettes. but mostly myself. good times.
*snuggles under a blanket to sleep*

MammaMia 10-03-2010 11:19 PM

*curls up*

quiet1 10-03-2010 11:41 PM

well. i went. IOP means intensive outpatient. i was shaking so bad. my stomach was in knots. my friend came with me and i wouldn't have gone in if it weren't for her. the lady asked me so many questions and it was so hard. i am exhausted. do you believe she asked to see my wounds?!?!?! how is that relevant? anyways. it was a positive experience mostly and now i have to decide if i am going to do the program. i am leaning towards yes. but i can be swayed to "no" in the blink of an eye. i would have to start on Monday and it would be for one week everyday from 9-1. this sounds good to me, but it means that i have to take off a week from work. that doesn't sound good to me. so...everyone else in my life says to do it. i think i am a piece of **** who doesn't deserve to spend a week caring for myself. also...could this seal the deal on my job? will they hate me even more for taking off?

too much in my head. i need to sleep. want to hurt self. release.

PoisonedApple 10-03-2010 11:55 PM

*hugs quiet1, helen and laurastar*

frenchhorn 11-03-2010 12:05 AM

*cuddles everyone* me going into a safe corner, got bad flashback and then panic attack in rehearsal, so had to leave for a bit, everyone all staring at him, not nice.

PoisonedApple 11-03-2010 12:11 AM

*cuddles Oliver and holds on as long as needed*

Kahlia1981 11-03-2010 02:12 AM

*huggles everyone and then tries to disappear into the probability matrix*

Doikers 11-03-2010 09:36 AM

*Hugs for you all*
I have a Psychcologist appointment this morning and am anxious which is odd as I'm not usually anxious with her , I feel ill and flat , grrr . I HATE feeling flat.

Jetforce 11-03-2010 11:05 AM

Good luck with it!

Hope ur psych gives u some strategies that will hopefully help u in the long run!

Kahlia1981 11-03-2010 11:48 AM

*hugs everyone*

It's been a big couple of days ...

Yesterday I got the results of my shoulder x-ray and ultrasound. It showed that:
1. My shoulder is slightly curved
2. My humerous sits forward in the shoulder
3. There is an inflammation in the bursa (fluid filled sac through which all the tendons etc travel)
4. Both the bursa and the supraspinatus tendon are impinged (the supraspinatus is part of the rotator cuff)

It may not have been nice information to receive, but at least there is actually something wrong with my shoulder.

Today I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. He has put me on Topiramate but not touched my other medication at this stage. It was a very intense, 45 minute session with him. Discussing the three remaining drug choices, what has been happening, working out a Plan B, trying to set something up so that if I come out of this depression and decide that I don't want to go back there something will be in place so that I don't make a suicide attempt.

Unfortunately the drug is damned expensive. The pharmacist told me $39.95 and then when the drug was put in front of me ... it was $45.85. I was so pissed off that I flipped into my "I'm going to f****** kill someone and I don't care whether it's me or someone else" mood. My housemate asked me why I was suddenly so happy but wouldn't buy my answer .... that kind of sobered me back down again.

Meh. So over this depression.

*leaves hugs for everyone along with a lamington sponge roll*

MammaMia 11-03-2010 01:45 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Doikers 11-03-2010 04:14 PM

Ugh , I've stocked up on alcohol but tonight is gonna be the last night I drink , I just have to today to numb the triggering thoughts and urges , please don't judge me too harshly . I hope it's ok to post this in here , My hands are shaking grrrrr.

SoMuchMore 11-03-2010 04:19 PM

*pops in to cuddle everyone*

Mark - we dont judge. We are all here to offer support to each other. Hope u are alright, be careful with the drinking.

Still thinking of all of you. Going to talk to my ex tomorrow. I have talked to him since we broke up but i think now its time for a real conversation... not just awkward moments and me wanting to cry. I think i may try to disappear after i'm done with undergrad. Not from here and maybe not completely, but i think i may move far away... start over.. Idk.. just something i'm thinking about

Hope everyone is alright.
*leaves more hugs*

PoisonedApple 11-03-2010 05:42 PM

*hides in a corner and cries till the point of passing out*

Doikers 11-03-2010 06:17 PM

Damn I am so triggered.
NO-one to stop me.
TheSimpsons triggered me ffs.
I'll try and not harm but I can't promise.

Sefka 11-03-2010 07:25 PM

Mark - hold on hon, and stick to Futurama (that's the second time I've read that you said the Simpsons triggered you!) and, y know... just be careful xx

Kahlia - hope the shoulder's not causing too much pain - I didn't even understand points 2-4 of what's wrong with it :confused: and I hope the new meds work out and you don't/didn't kill anyone xx

Fallinstar - good luck with the ex. Be strong xx

And Crimson - big hugs cos I don't know what else to say. You were really nice to me last night. Have the shredded remains of my blanket - they're comfy xx

Hope everyone else is okay. I'm still feeling wired, like I might explode if anyone gets too close. Time to sleep.

CrazyHayley 11-03-2010 08:27 PM


Wow, it seems everyone is in need of some tlc - remember its ok to take time out for yourselves and make yourself the number one priority....so my councellor told me and I have on a post it note on my mirror to remind me!

Had weird day, went to see a friend who's younger sister tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. She didn't seem to have much sympathy for her which crushed me, cos I thought well how would she react if I ever tried that again?! How selfish a thought is that, when obviously her sister is struggling?!

I also thought that I should go to my GP to get my meds reduced as I noticed I wan't as obsessive compulsive anymore and that felt weird to me...but how mental is that, missing being obsessive compulsive?!

I just have to remind myself its PMDD time, so I'm going to have irrational thoughts...they are just thoughts...it does not make them true....they do not need to be acted upon....I love my post it notes!

PrincessSparkle 11-03-2010 09:51 PM

Yay I got a blanky! :)
Resisting the urge to roll myself a cigarette...im a dancer must not smoke...
Life sucks.
I vote we all find a hairbrush and dance around to Spice Girls songs!

Scarletdreamer 11-03-2010 10:21 PM


Sorry have been MIA for a bit... things haven't been the best. Thinking of you all though :) and missing you...

Hayley, you play WoW too? which side? and what toons do you have? :D (I could talk WoW for hours... lol - that's so sad)

I am so tired. Well, groggy really. I took a nap this afternoon and just didn't want to get up afterwards, was so comfy just lying in bed. Gahhh. But I got up and had a little bit of caffeine (i.e., 2 sips of diet Mountain Dew, as too much makes me VERY anxious)... that seemed to help.

Am struggling with wanting to cut/purge and don't know what to do. I also am not having much luck with schoolwork, which is awful... updated my r/v thread if anyone wants to take a look. :( No particular triggers in that update I don't think.

*group cuddles*

PrincessSparkle 11-03-2010 11:00 PM


Theres always tomorrow!(thats what im telling myself!)

Scarletdreamer 11-03-2010 11:09 PM

Yes but I am in my senior year & NEED to get this senior seminar paper started, as it's due in less than a month!! *minor(ish) freakout* :(

And there are only 3 more days after today of spring break... so yeah.

WoW is so much fun though... *whinges* Heh... :(

And I am freaking WARM in here... southern side of the apartment right against the wall. No fan going. It's hot in the room, doesn't help that I'm wearing sweats.


PrincessSparkle 11-03-2010 11:20 PM

Sweats are comfy though!
I want my pyjamas!
I was sick last two days so completely failed to hand my assignment in today...
How much work you gotta do,what u studying?

Scarletdreamer 11-03-2010 11:57 PM

Sweats are comfy, which is why I am wearing them. :D Jeans are torture... lol.

I am studying psychology. :) I love it... but it can be a bit much at times. Triggering classes etc.

Am so anxious right now... :( My husband wanted to go out to eat tonight but I can't leave the apartment - why? - because am too anxious!!!! I texted my NP to let her know & also took another mg of Klonopin (clonazepam)... so hopefully that'll kick in soon.

Just want to curl up & sleep for hours... I am so tired. :( Hubby took tomorrow off though so that'll be nice... will get to hang out with him and just enjoy my last weekday of spring break. Hopefully the weather will be nice... so we can go for a walk etc. :)

*cuddles all*

frenchhorn 12-03-2010 12:13 AM

*hides shaking in corner* this too much for him, the stress the waiting, can't deal with it

quiet1 12-03-2010 01:49 AM

i think i am going to do the IOP.
i need encouragement. i don't know.

*hides in corner*

Doikers 12-03-2010 09:50 AM

*Great big group hug*

I really might try and avoid The Simpsons as it's having such a negative effect on me from time to time .

I am drained this morning , I have to meet up with my social worker in an hour and 15 mins . I just want to go back to bed :( . I am at my parents for the weekend for mothers day so I won't be here as much until Monday which is freaking me a little as I feel I need the support but I'll cope .
I caved in to the urges and harmed last night , I am just so fed up with this I 've been doing it for over half my life:( I just want it to go away....

Thanks for the words of encouragement and support everyone.

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