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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Kahlia1981 17-02-2010 05:10 AM

*cuddles everyone who can accept cuddles*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies. I have read all the posts since I last posted but I had to struggle with the simple things (like turning the computer on) and am just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I remember someone - I think it was you April? - asking about the crisis team. Here they are technically called the Community Assessment and Treatment Team (CATT). They are basically the community face of the hospital - they perform home visits and make over-the-phone or face-to-face assessments. Their scope is fairly limited. Mostly they deal with people over the phone and if the condition of the person is bad enough they can arrange an ambulance or whatever. They can also do things like holding medication if there is an OD risk and the like. Oh, and are able to arrange med scripts if the person is allied with either a Case Manager or a public pdoc. Sorry, not sure if that makes sense.

This morning I wrote the job application. It's for a Medical Typist at an Opthalmology Clinic. Starting out at 1 day a week with the possibility to extending to 2 days a week in the next 6 months.

My mother rang me today. I spoke to her on Monday so I wasn't expecting a call until about Friday. I only mention it because she is traveling around Australia, they are currently in Victoria.

The mood still hasn't lifted. Still strong urges and dangerous thoughts. I'm running out of ideas now ... *sigh* But we make it through minute by minute ... right?

*hugs everyone then disappears into a cool, dark corner*

Scarletdreamer 17-02-2010 12:48 PM

*cuddles Oliver* I hope that you managed to make it through without cutting, love. You don't "need" to cut... it feels like that because it's an addiction but you really need to find other ways to cope. But aside from that - well done on three weeks!! - that's awesome. :D How are you doing today?

*cuddles Helen* PM me if you ever want to, 'kay, sweetie? how are you feeling now?

*cuddles Kahlia* Yeh, it was me asking about the crisis team. That makes sense. There's nothing like that in the States, as far as I know... would kind of be nice if there were... IF they were effective. Well done on writing up the job app; that can be difficult especially when you're in a bad place!! Hope you start feeling better soon... *more cuddles*

I really really want to binge right now... have already had a "mini-binge" and really want more more more. STUPID ME!!! I hate myself so much... I'm not a good person at all. :( Make it stop, please please, make it stop... :crying:

MammaMia 17-02-2010 12:50 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I got the best ever post today, am so happy :D :D :D

However I feel pretty ****, almost numb & think I may have made a situation worse :S

Scarletdreamer 17-02-2010 12:52 PM

How can you feel **** and happy at the same time? lol... I guess I understand but still it sounds kind of off. *cuddles* Want to talk about it? or not, that's fine too!! :)


MammaMia 17-02-2010 12:55 PM

Because I am clever like that? I don't feel happy as a general emotion, just happy I got some photos. But my general emotion is feeling ****. That makes sense??

Scarletdreamer 17-02-2010 01:08 PM

Hehe, yus you are clever like that. ;) But yeah, what you said makes sense. *cuddles* Sorry if what I said came off sounding mean or anything... :(

Ugh. Don't want to do uni work. *temper tantrum* :P

MammaMia 17-02-2010 02:07 PM

No it didn't sweetheart, don't worry *squishes*

My foot is giving me hell, should get it looked at really...:|

Scarletdreamer 17-02-2010 03:02 PM

*squishes back* What's wrong with your foot, love?

I'm doing uni work, just taking a break... reading articles on leadership. *gags* Boring as hell - at least the second article is. It's just going over the different types of leadership... the first thing I had to read was a chapter from a book and at least that was kind of interesting. :-/ Gahhh... I HATE SCHOOL. :(

I has a kitty in my lap, snuggly warm & purring. Anyone want kitty snuggles? :D

I think I'll paint my nails. Sometime, anyway. It's been too long since I've pampered myself that way. :)

MammaMia 17-02-2010 03:17 PM


Really painful :( I think I've done something to my right foot, well my toes. You know when you get like pins & needles? It's like that, but when I get those normally, I can still flatten my toes okay, I can't at the moment I can't even walk on my foot properly today. My toes pratically feel numb, but when I scratch my toe next to my big one, it really kills. It's like I've cut the back of my big toe but I haven't Also my big toe keeps itching like something's irrtating it, espically on the side. When I bend my toe, it's really sore like I have a cut in the fold (if that makes sense )...does any of that make sense? I've started having the pins&needles feeling in one/two other toes in my other left foot earlier today. It originally started aroud sat/sun in my right foot.

quiet1 17-02-2010 08:56 PM

i cancelled my appt.
*epic fail*

i'm just not bad enough to need it. i'm fine.

*fist head*

quiet1 18-02-2010 03:14 AM

i am not having a good nite.
this presentation i went to today was really triggering for me. i am having thoughts about suicide and lots of other violent things. i know its the ocd. i just cant make it stop.

why can't my life just be ****ing easy? or over? one or the ****ing other?
i hate it.
and i cancelled this appt because i am not bad enough. ha. wtf was i thinking? is this not bad enough? the nature of my illness is that i don't think i am ill. hahahahahaha.

i am out of my ****ing mind.

SoMuchMore 18-02-2010 06:14 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I have to give an hour long speech tomorrow.. or well technically, "lead a class discussion"

Freaking out.

...Social Anxiety take me away.

Scarletdreamer 18-02-2010 10:42 AM

*cuddles Helen* That sounds downright awful; you really ought to go see someone about it. :( It must hurt so much - & yes, what you said about it makes sense. :) How're you doing this morning?

*cuddles quiet1* Awh love, I'm so sorry that you cancelled the appt. Is it possible for you to make another? You do need the help, you really do... please try & take care of yourself & don't give in to those thoughts. Pamper yourself some. Try to relax a little. I understand about how OCD thoughts just go 'round & 'round & 'round, but please, keep fighting, sweetie. How's the morning going for you?

*cuddles Laura* Eugh I don't blame you for being scared... is this a group project or do you have to do it alone? & how many people are in your class? That's something that would take desensitization to get used to... I'm pretty used to getting up in front of people now but I still get anxious, sweaty-palmed & tight-chested. It sucks. :( How're you doing now?

*cuddles everyone else* How're you all doing today?

Well, I managed to get through the worst day of my week, yesterday... my last class (Women & Spirituality, night class, 3 hours long) seemed like 3 classes as we had another prof speaking about the Berber women for an hour, then one of the two women teaching the class teaching about the Demeter & Persephone myth (as that has to do with the next book we're reading), and then we watched a film on Hildegard von Bingen. So it felt sooo long. :(

Oh well. It's over now... and I have a few hours before I have to go to tutoring!! Woohoo... heh.

I'm not doing great mentally. I mini-binged yesterday & am scared that I will have gained weight even though I haven't weighed myself since the beginning of December. :( Stupid, stupid, STUPID me!!! :(


Jetforce 18-02-2010 11:00 AM

*drops in with smoothies and leaves some on the table*

quiet1 18-02-2010 11:59 AM

I have work today. I don't want to go. I had a really terrible dream last night. Lots of blood. I'm thinking about calling to reschedule my appt with the iop people. I am scared. I'm really scared.

MammaMia 18-02-2010 01:42 PM

*hugs everyone*

Scarletdreamer 18-02-2010 01:55 PM

Quiet1, I think you should call & reschedule. *cuddles* You need the help... it's scary, yes, but I think it would be very very good for you to get more intensive treatment.

Thanks Jet!! *hugs* How you doing today?

*cuddles Helen* What's up this morning, love?

I'm really tired, cranky, anxious, etc., etc. But I'm trying to focus on the positive. *sigh* It's really difficult.

SoMuchMore 18-02-2010 01:59 PM

*hugs april* My speech is with one other person in a class of 20... so i know its not like 200 ppl or anything.. but for me, it doesn't matter how many ppl.. u attach the word "presentation" to an assigment and i freak out.. especially with it being an hour long.

Night classes suck. That one I have is 4 hours so I know what u mean. And you are not stupid. Dont beat yourself up about the mini-binge. Just try to move forward.

*hugs jet* thanks for the smoothie! yum!

*hugs quiet1* Im sorry that you had bad dreams. I think that you should re-schedule if you are feeling up to it.

*hugs helen* your foot doesnt sound good. you should go to the doctor maybe. Hope you are alright.

I also had bad dreams last night... They are probably anxiety related though. This is going to be such a nerve-wrecking day. wish me luck getting thru.

MammaMia 18-02-2010 02:04 PM

My foot is still bad >.> Couldn't get an appointment for today, so going to ask my mum to try get me one for tomorrow. I can't stand it any longer. Had a really bad morning. I went to bed about 2am say, watched some telly and started dozing off, so turned it off to sleep, course I couldn't sleep. It got to half 5 and I was crying :| I was so annoyed and in so much pain by then. Eventually fell asleep and slept for ages :|

Don't know how I feel...****?

Scarletdreamer 18-02-2010 03:43 PM

*cuddles Helen* Glad you're going to get an appt, love.

I'm really tired & feeling kind of **** too. :(

frenchhorn 18-02-2010 05:24 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I'm knackered, but its my fault for watching curling until 5.30 am, but it was good.
Someone can say one small thing that can really make you smile and make you think that maybe not everyone in the world is against you.

quiet1 18-02-2010 08:52 PM

Now I remember what I ****ing hate about work. Me. And every other thing in my life.

Got an appt with my psych today. I called and asked if she had any cancellations. Turns out she did. Now I have to tell her that I cancelled my appt for the eval. I suck at life

MammaMia 18-02-2010 09:46 PM

**** **** ****.
Things just get worse and worse.
I need a break from this :crying:

Scarletdreamer 18-02-2010 11:34 PM

I need a break too. I think we all do.

Just ate a large supper out and I really really want to purge.

Think positive, April.............

MammaMia 19-02-2010 12:15 AM


*cries and rocks*

SilverFlame 19-02-2010 12:16 AM

Love this idea... check me in!

*takes a blanket and pillow and heads for the corner for cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 19-02-2010 12:22 AM

Ugh ugh ugh.

*curls up next to Helen & cries & rocks too*

MammaMia 19-02-2010 12:27 AM

*cuddles April and Silverflame*

frenchhorn 19-02-2010 12:29 AM

*cuddles April, Helen and silverflame*

Scarletdreamer 19-02-2010 12:42 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry am not being much of a support at the moment. Am in a really bad spot, am trying to talk myself out of it but it's not working worth diddly-bloody-squat.

Just wrote in my r/v thread... just to warn it's an ed/sui trig probaby, if you want to read. Whatever. Don't bother. I'm not that important.


SoMuchMore 19-02-2010 12:43 AM

*cuddles oliver, helen, april, silverflame, and quiet1*

Dont remember much of my evening. Gave that speech i guess... i dont remember... apparently it went well so says ppl in my class. Have a massive headache now.

SoMuchMore 19-02-2010 12:44 AM

april - you are that important. hang in there hun.

MammaMia 19-02-2010 12:48 AM

April you are important babe. We all are.

*cuddles everyone*

Want my feet to stop hurting/itching/whatever, I can't stop crying about it (and everything else). I feel like I'm being driven up the walls......

frenchhorn 19-02-2010 12:53 AM

April you are important. *cuddles*

*cuddles Laurastar* I'm glad you did the speech and people said it went ok.

*cuddles Helen* I'm sorry your foot is hurting and things are getting to you.

*hands out some of his happiness, in the hope it might help a bit* I'm here if anyone wants to talk, or anything.

SilverFlame 19-02-2010 12:57 AM

April... I read your thread, I want to hug you so much right now! There's not a lot I can do, but I wish I could.
MammaMia I hope your foot calms down and you're okay

*cuddles everyone*

PoisonedApple 19-02-2010 01:03 AM

*hugs and cuddles everyone*
didn't read most of what was posted since i was last here... sorry just not that focusable right now...
april- i read your vent because you are important... and well because it makes me feel less alone in the thinking way... um if that makes any sense at all...
helen- how's the foot doing love?

MammaMia 19-02-2010 01:31 AM

My feet are giving painful pins&needles now, still feels like a really bad itch. I just want my feet to get better now please?? Also, can everything else get better too please? :'(

*cuddles everyone*

quiet1 19-02-2010 03:01 AM

i went to my therapy appt. she kinda helped me get through til now without cutting. that's good. however, i want to cut now. and i don't really have any reason not to. i have so much reason to do it.

we talked about this eval appt for IOP and i could reschedule it if i want to. and i am not sure i want to. i am not sure what i want. most of the time i think i want to be healthy and i just can't. other times i want to be sick and destructive and let myself implode.

right now i am overwhelmed and numbed out. cutting would help. it would help me feel real. getting myself prepared for another night of horribly violent dreams. yay me.

enough about me.
*hugs everyone*
April- so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. honey, school is tough under any circumstances, not to mention when you have other things going on. you cannot beat yourself up about it because you are comparing yourself to other people who do not have the same struggles as you. you are a good student who works harder than others have to. it sounds like all of this is bringing on your ed thoughts. that's a slippery slope that will be hard to climb back up from. you know that. and as hard as it is to keep your head above water with it, it is best to try.

Laura, good for you for doing your presentation! that's awesome. i know exactly how you feel when the word presentation is attached to an assignment. instant panic. i have actually dropped classes upon seeing the syllabus. One class required a short drive to an elementary school nearby and I dropped it right away. I am impressed that you are able to trudge forward even though you were terrified. it builds character and self-esteem even if you don't remember it!

i have run out of useful things to say.
*head desk*

Kahlia1981 19-02-2010 03:33 AM

*cuddles everyone who wants or needs a cuddle then disappears into a dark corner*

SilverFlame 19-02-2010 03:38 AM

Kahlia1981: Don't disappear into a dark corner. Come into the corner of love and cuddles :)
Bring your duvet and pillow!
*cuddles pre-emptively*

Jetforce 19-02-2010 05:27 AM

Yah, i'm well thx's ppl :-)

How is everybody one doing there?

*gives Kahlia lots of warm hugs*

Kahlia1981 19-02-2010 11:46 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Spent 5 hours at A&E today with my housemate. Now really not doing well, but I can't go to hospital until the results of my complaints come through ....

Man, someone just take my head off for a while ... please ???????

Scarletdreamer 19-02-2010 12:12 PM

*cuddles Kahlia, Laura, quiet1, Crimson, Helen, Jet, SilverFlame, and anyone else I missed (sorry!!)*

Thanks for the support, guys. I still feel crappy about being, well, so dumb about everything. Crimson, I'm glad that you don't feel so alone. And quiet1, you're right in that I oughtn't compare myself to other students who aren't struggling with the same stuff. It's just that it's so difficult... I compare myself constantly, physically & emotionally, & I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to stop, basically. :(

Jarrod (hubby) stayed home from work today, which was nice... pleasant to have him here. He needed a break from the "idiocy there," as he put it. Lol. Sounds like an ideal workplace... *rolls eyes*

I am exhausted. Got up at 4:30am today. :(


Doikers 19-02-2010 12:18 PM

* Hugs to all who need them *
Back in the real world after having my wedding head on . I got put in charge of the rings! That responsibility plus Lithium meant I was shaking when I gave the rings to the Bride( My lil Sis) and groom . Apart from being nervous I had a good time and am only 3 days away from being 1 month S.I. free , I've bought my bracelet in readiness:) It' will be a milestone for me . I'm feeling really positive :) I hope you are all doing well :D

MammaMia 19-02-2010 12:43 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Feeling bit better this afternoon. I think..

SoMuchMore 19-02-2010 04:48 PM

*hugs quiet1* hope that you didnt have horrible dreams. I think maybe you should try to reschedule ur appt. I know its hard when ur torn between ur illness and wanting to be healthy.. but maybe the IOP would help u sort some of it out.

Thanks for your words of encouragement about my speech yesterday. i really appreciate it.

*hugs helen* sorry about your foot. I hope you can get it checked out soon. Glad that you are feeling a bit better today

*hugs kahlia* i dont think taking ur head off is a good idea heh. Sorry you had to go to the a&e with your housemate. U alright?

*hugs april* glad your having a nice time with ur hubby. Your not dumb though at all. Maybe you should try to take a nap... 4:30am is crazy early to be waking up.. sometimes i dont even go to bed until that late lol.

*hugs mark* yay im so glad u feel positive and are almost 1 month free. thats fantastic!!

*hugs jet, silverflame, and oliver*

Hm.. I know that i have a lot to do this weekend but i kinda just want to curl up in a ball and barely move. I'm tired all the frickin time. i'll be alone most of the weekend b/c pretty much everyone i know is going out of town.. so thats really gonna suck.
Maybe ill bake some no-calorie cookies for the ward here :-)

CrazyHayley 19-02-2010 05:10 PM

jst wrote stuff. deleted it. can't be arsed. i think.... oh i don't know.

*hides in corner to be safe*

MammaMia 19-02-2010 05:20 PM

*cuddles Laura and Hayley*

Here if you wnt to talk hun xx

PoisonedApple 19-02-2010 05:41 PM

*comes in curls up and cries*

Kahlia1981 20-02-2010 03:11 AM

*cuddles everyone*

It's rough without my housemate here... I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear ... really not feeling at all well ... Struggling with the urge to go to the hardware shop on the corner and buy a couple of dangerous things ...

*sigh* *curls self into little ball*

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