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PoisonedApple 12-02-2010 06:32 PM

*waves at Matt and Nicole* I'm Crimson *extends hand*
*cuddles April, Helen, Laurafriend, Laurastar, Kahlia*
Sorry to many posts to answer em all so I'm starting with a clean slate post...

I've realized today that venting feels a lot like talking to a brick wall. But it does make the weight of my little world easier to lift... Anyone else feel weird posting in r/v? Maybe it's just because mine ends up more like a forum based journal... :ermm:

Imaginary_friend 12-02-2010 07:02 PM

*hugs everyone*
*waves at Matt* hii :) you shouldn't be disappointed in yourself. you should be proud of the fact that you're fighting and not just giving in :) *hugs*

last night was utterly....****ed up. my "friend" keeps shouting at me about everything...that i'm drinking too much, smoking, that i slept with this guy last week, and she was telling me that i was making myself worse by turning myself into a "victim". like, WTF?! i hardly talk about him because i know everyone gets bored, and i don't want to keep thinking about it. and she's never here anyway. argh. she's just pissing me off massively atm. and she shouted at me in the bar last night so i ran out crying, to have another one of my friends catch me and make me tell her what was up. ARGH! she's not helping...just keeps telling me i'm ****, which i know, SO WHY KEEP GOING ON ABOUT IT?!
*bursts into tears*

Scarletdreamer 12-02-2010 07:36 PM

Just posted in my r/v thread if anyone wants to look... suicide/ED triggers.

*hides in darkest corner where she can cry without anyone noticing*

NicolaRose 12-02-2010 07:54 PM

Hi all **hugs everyone** hi Matt.
Sorry that everyone seems to be feeling so bad right now

*hugs scarlet dreamer* and hope you are ok, anything I can help with??
And to your question..... I don't really know why I've been feeling so bad lately , had depression for a long time and SI and seemedto be dealing with that a bit better but now it's all going downhill and feel very low and self concious. I guess I don't have many reasons to feel like this, my life is ok, there's quite alot of stressful things going on all the time, but who doesn't have that???? Always had very low self esteem, every day is a struggle now and I don't have the energy to do anything, I feel kind of alone too, I have people around me.....but I just don't feel it, it just doesn't feel like people understand or are saying anything nice to me.
I hate myself, wish the person I love would give me s compliment or say something good about me cos I am struggling to find anything, but seems they only notice the bad stuff too
my boyfriend just moaned at me for asking for a sigarette, cos he keeps having to pay for it and I dint have my own, reason is is that I have no money..... My student loan us nearly gone but gotta last a couple more months. Money is gone because I have been lending my boyfriend alot of money for rent and bills cos he couldn't afford to pay them. But now he just made me feel like I am selfish and not worth anything and that everyone else has to pay fir me.

I'm feeling stressed, stressed about money and how it's gunna last, and want to cut :(

*sits in a dark corner and cries*

Sefka 12-02-2010 07:57 PM

Waves at everyone (I'll cuddle later.) Curls up and immediately falls asleep.

PoisonedApple 12-02-2010 08:03 PM

In an attempt to cheer people up... To explain this conversation I need to say I'm trying to do my family tree and asked my father to have Grammie put post-it notes with the info on them on all her old family pictures (I use ancestry.com so I can add in the pics...) since no one else in the family has old pics or knows who's in the ones she has (and all of the ones from the date my grandparents married till my father was a teen were lost when my great uncle's basement flooded)... Well this task has taken a few months now and this is the email I got this morning:

So my mother says, "I'm done with the pictures, and now...", and I interrupt and say "I'll come over and get them" and she continues, "...I'll write the notes next."
"What have you been doing so far?" I ask.
"Sorting them."

I burst out laughing... That was just too funny not to for me.
But I don't mind the wait (she's also finding documents) as I've been getting more family information as she goes...
Just thought I'd share my funny email... hope it make you guys smile :)

frenchhorn 12-02-2010 09:36 PM

*curls up crying in corner* such a stupid, failure of a freak. Triggered really badly.
I could really do with a hug right now, if its ok to ask.

NicolaRose 12-02-2010 09:45 PM

*hugs Frenchhorn gently* you are not a freak or failure
sorry you fel triggered.... Welli do too at the moment :(

PoisonedApple 12-02-2010 09:47 PM


Originally Posted by NicoleRose (Post 2137276)
*hugs Frenchhorn gently* you are not a freak or failure
sorry you fel triggered....


PoisonedApple 12-02-2010 09:48 PM

Do you want to talk about it Oliver?

frenchhorn 12-02-2010 09:57 PM

I fail at everything, even the thing I am meant to be good at I am terrible at.

Imaginary_friend 12-02-2010 10:39 PM

i hate myself. i wish i could just disappear. apparently everyone would be much better off without me.

SoMuchMore 12-02-2010 10:54 PM

*cuddles laurafriend* people would not be better without you, dont let yourself think that. what happened hun?

*cuddles oliver* you don't fail at everything. Hang in there.

*hugs crimson* that is pretty funny. Good luck with your family tree thing.

*hugs nicolerose* im sorry that your so stressed right now. try to do something nice for yourself. stay strong.

*hugs matt* Sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. Its hard, I feel the same way about people being happy all around me and doing good in life yet i'm just kinda stuck where i am feeling like a failure. That sucks that your friends arent being very supportive.

*cuddles april* i know i keep saying this but you have to keep fighting hun. I read your venting spot. Dont let your professor crush your dreams, if you want to be a therapist then u should follow what you want to do. It'll work out if it was meant to be, and until you find that out u just have to keep moving forward with what u feel is right.

*hugs helen* I hope that your head feels better.

As the hypocrite that I am, telling everyone to hang in there. I now must say that I don't want to hang in there much longer. Too stressed about everything. Not even managing not to SI at the moment. Nothing too bad.. its just kinda there i guess.

Imaginary_friend 12-02-2010 10:56 PM

*hugs Laura* sorry hun. i know what you mean about the SI. look after yourself *cuddles*

i just...my friends all think i'm being an idiot but have no idea how to help me. i have no idea what i want. i just know that at the moment i hate myself and my friends are getting pissed off with me.

shadowedsoul 12-02-2010 11:03 PM

argh i just want to die, cant handle much more. curls up and crys

Kahlia1981 12-02-2010 11:44 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I don't want to die ..... I just don't want to live anymore. The sentence that confused the hell out of the crisis team when I rang them yesterday.

My mood just won't lift .... I'm so over it. 9:45 in the morning and I'm already thinking of suicide. *sigh*

*disappears into the darkness*

MammaMia 12-02-2010 11:49 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Argh I'm so worried :/ My best friend reallllly needs help and I can't do much to help her :'( Please let him find her soon, please please please. :'(

quiet1 13-02-2010 02:40 AM

i cut. i liked it. i want to be done living now.
i suck at life.
*cries and locks self in bathroom*

Sefka 13-02-2010 05:42 AM

Hugs quiet 1 and frenchhorn - you don't suck or fail. But I know the feeling.
Hugs everyone else. But I have no words now.
I'm going back to bed.
<falls asleep>

Kahlia1981 13-02-2010 06:49 AM

*cuddles everyone*

It's officially 30 degrees C here ... and I'm shivering and getting goosebumps. Mood is still the same. It just makes it seem like nothing is worth it anymore if you know what I mean. Meh.

*curls up in a dark corner somewhere*

Kahlia1981 13-02-2010 07:33 AM

God... I just wrote my complaint to the Queensland Health Quality & Complaints commission about my last two hospitalisations. I'm now shaking like a leaf. I read it to my housemate to make sure it was okay. He said it was good. I asked for a formal apology from the Director of Mental Health and an assurance that the pdoc who was my consultant would never be my consultant again. I also told them that they couldn't forward my complaint on to the hospital because "it would be met with an aggressive defensive attitude on the part of the current Director of Mental Health which would effectively bias the investigation".

Man, oh, man. I've taken a Xanax so I should calm down shortly.

*hugs everyone the disappears into a corner to try and control the shaking*

inkyspider 13-02-2010 09:42 AM

I haven't been around in a long while, and i feel terrible coming back when i'm feeling shitty, but i figure this is better than any other option.
I just need a place to hide for a while.

*hides in a corner*

Imaginary_friend 13-02-2010 05:58 PM

*hugs Sefka* Hii :) hope the sleep helped. i wanna sleep....urgh. too much work. o wells.

*hugs Kahlia* your complaint sounds like a very good idea. they seem to have been fairly rubbish and not much help for you. *hugs* hope they listen to what you have to say.

*hugs Inkyspider* *hands a blanket and cookies* i like coming in here to hide for a while too.

*cuddles everyone else*

urgh. i'm soooo tired. but i'm going out again. i'm an idiot. and i told my friend how i felt and she said that she was having issues dealing with my problems as well as hers. so now i feel great. FFS. i now have no-one i can actually talk to. fab.
*cries and hides under a duvet* and yea a duvets the thing you put on your bed :) its waaaaarm

Sefka 13-02-2010 07:00 PM

<hugs Laura back> thanks :) I'm too sleepy.
<hugs Kahlia> good luck with the complaint.
<hugs Inkyspider> your picture is one of the cutest I've seen.

<falls asleep again>
Naps rule and duvets are the greatest inventions EVAR!

YodaBearInterrupted 13-02-2010 08:26 PM

*hugs everyone in the room and makes sure they are doing okay - and makes some cookies for all in here*

I wish it was different. I wish I could go back to that fateful day where I lost my mind and change everything. I wish I could go back and meet friends that would really care for me and be there when I need them -- instead of telling me that since I abandoned them -- that means I don't need them and that I can take care of myself... *sigh* Unhappiness breeds deep depression. Trying to be safe in my own house seems weird to say. Trying to keep it together so my family won't notice my unhappiness and want to disappear.

Kahlia1981 13-02-2010 08:58 PM

*cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner*

Scarletdreamer 13-02-2010 11:40 PM

*cuddles everyone* Sorry, too many individual responses from you all for me to reply to them all... but sending love & hugs out to all of you guys!! ♥

I'm really tired... got up at 5am today so yeah. Been a busy day, too, with breakfast out, then Walmart for groceries, then laundry. Urgh. So frickin' sleepy!!! I even took a nappish sort of thing this afternoon, about half an hour of lying down. Felt so good. :)

Am annoyed because I don't know how I feel or anything. :(


~*forever_broken*~ 14-02-2010 01:48 AM

Just borrowing a corner, thanks.

*grabs her pillow, blanket, and stuffed lamb, finds her old corner, and cries*

Imaginary_friend 14-02-2010 03:33 AM

woooi m drunk again. ffs. urgh. gay gay gay x

frenchhorn 14-02-2010 03:46 AM

*curls up in a corner* need some support and hugs, sorry to ask

Sefka 14-02-2010 07:14 AM

*hugs Oliver* We're here for you as best we can be. I'm done sleeping now. Talk to me (pm if you want.)

inkyspider 14-02-2010 10:31 AM

It's 5:30am.
I'm drunk, high, and depressed.
I should sleep, i can't.
I don't feel safe so hiding here.

*hugs to everyone*
Sorry i'm not in a place to respond to you all individually.

Scarletdreamer 14-02-2010 02:24 PM

*cuddles Oliver* What's up, love? anything I can do to help? ♥

*cuddles everyone else* How are you all doing today? ♥

I'm tired STILL... got up at 4:30am instead of sleeping in until 6 or so today... stupid stupid stupid. Couldn't sleep. I hate this!! :(

Played WoW for awhile with my husband, which was nice... started some new toons on a new server where my best friend's little sister & brother play, so I can talk with them when leveling. :) It's fun... nice escape. I think we played from 4:45am until 7:40am? so three hours, yeh, it can really pull you in. :o

Am not sure how I'm feeling... :( Hate feeling like this.

Need to do schoolwork but really don't want to... anyone care to study health psych for me?? pllllllllease??


Imaginary_friend 14-02-2010 04:09 PM

i've just had a cigarette, i'm trying to distract myself but i wanna cut......
argh. i can't be bothered fighting any more. who cares anyway.

shadowedsoul 14-02-2010 04:45 PM

argh!!!!wish today would piss off, its making me feel worse

MammaMia 14-02-2010 07:05 PM

*is hiding still*

Doikers 14-02-2010 07:36 PM

*Pokes head in*
Never posted here before.
*Occupies a corner for the night *
Hope this is ok :S

SoMuchMore 14-02-2010 07:49 PM

*offers doikers a welcome cookie*

*cuddles everyone* sorry no individual replies right now.

Going to dinner tonight so i'm trying to get things done now.. but i cant concentrate.. Every time i sit down to do anything i immediately get sleepy. Maybe I just dont want to do anymore science reporting homework. I mean ive already spent about 16 hours since thursday on the subject. Sorry, complaining about nothing again.

Hope everyone is alright

Doikers 14-02-2010 07:53 PM

Thankyou for the Cookie :)

frenchhorn 14-02-2010 07:56 PM

Welcome Doikers *waves* I'm Oliver :)

thank you for the hugs everyone, I'm still not doing great, but am beginning to try and deal with it, basically I came out to my sister last night, she is visiting me at uni for a few days, and it was very tough, we both cried a lot. She is still here and we have had an ok day, but she seems slightly distant and less talkative than normal, maybe its me being paranoid. Its just very tough trying to deal with it

Doikers 14-02-2010 08:07 PM

*waves back* I'm Mark .

~*forever_broken*~ 14-02-2010 09:03 PM

Anyone need tea because I am in desperate need of a cup *bustles around in the kitchen and brings back a tea tray with tea, cocoa, coffee, biscuits, cakes, muffins, and anything else one might want*

Here go.

*retreats to her corner with her mug, blanket, pillow, and stuffed lamb and settles in for a good cry*

Kahlia1981 14-02-2010 09:21 PM

*hugs everyone*

Sorry no individual replies ...

My housemate went to the hospital last night. He ran out of his pain medication two days ago and was in agony. They gave him some to tide him over to when we meet up with the new GP today. My night was really broken. I slept from about 11:00 pm to 12:30 when he woke me, got back to sleep about 2:00 am and he woke me again at 3:00 am because he needed money for the cab. Then I woke at 4:00 am because I had to use the bathroom, then 4:30 am when my phone went off and then again at 6:30 am. I feel like I've OD'd on Xanax - even though I haven't. *sigh*

*disappears into a dark corner*

quiet1 14-02-2010 09:33 PM

Hey everyone. I am far too scatterbrained to reply to you individually. I am trying to take a nap but I have too much on my mind.

Am I the only one who plans SI? I wanted to cut today. I'm in a bad cycle again and I can't today cuz my bf is home but tomorrow he will be at work. I have all the time I want then. So wait till tomorrow. Except that is bad. I shouldn't be planning it. I should be trying to fight the thoughts. I feel seduced by it again. Somehow I'm trying to recreate a feeling I got from cutting last week that I hadn't felt for a very very long time. Years even.

Whatever. I am waffling and I don't know if there is even a point to me talking. Sorry

Imaginary_friend 14-02-2010 09:54 PM

nah quiet1 i do exactly the same.....
i wanna cut so much.
i wanna do so much more.....

PoisonedApple 15-02-2010 01:06 AM

*cuddles everyone*
*hugs oliver* never be sorry to ask for a hug hun.

sorry i've been so... vacant... lately and haven't been around much. seems the worse i feel the more i steer clear of social or friend situations, even of the internet kind...

Ambs(: 15-02-2010 02:56 AM

*finds somewhere small and out of the way to sit and cries*

~*forever_broken*~ 15-02-2010 03:51 AM

AM I've been gone so long I'm not sure who all around here knows who I am any more (which is a little discouraging but my own fault, huh), lol.
You're not the first o be absent and you won't be the last. But it's good you're back *nods*. Yep. *hands the tea tray* good stuff on there.

PoisonedApple 15-02-2010 04:31 AM

FL~ I wasn't as much apologizing for absence as much as the vacantness when I was present... I'm sure I'm not the first or last for that either but still...

btw *extends hand and offers hug* I'm Crimson

~*forever_broken*~ 15-02-2010 05:22 AM

*hugs back* Crimson, I am Ally and it's nice to meet you :D
And I know the vacant-ness that you find yourself presenting some times doesn't help matters does it?

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