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-   -   Beyond repair. (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=248931)

chinahorse 08-01-2019 05:56 PM

I can't thank you enough for your ongoing support lovely <3 don't know what I've done yo deserve it.

Talking to my mum helps sometimes. Sometimes she is selfish.

I called the cmht and left a message for my cpn in monday. No message back to say she got it or is arranging the meetings. Today I needed to talk to someone. I called 4 times in my lunch break and no one even answered the phone. I feel very let down.

Last night I ended up in A and E until 3.30am. Got home at 4. Got up and went to work at 6.20 am. Things are not ok.

Out of the last week and this I have worked 12 out of 14 days. I'm shattered.

I want someone to notice how much I'm struggling to keep the plates spinning and help me. I really really needed to talk to someone.

one_step_closer 08-01-2019 06:41 PM

You deserve much more than my support. You are very welcome.

I'm really not understanding why no one is hearing how tough things are for you. Well, except that they won't hear if they don't answer the phone. Will A&E have sent a message to your CPN? Would it help to phone a helpline if you aren't able to get through to someone who knows you?

(P.S one of my cats wants to send his love because he's just walked over the keyboard).

chinahorse 08-01-2019 06:45 PM

Aww kitty love.

Am not sure if a and e would message my cpn.

I don't want to exist anymore. It's too hard. And I feel so poorly with a bad cold.

one_step_closer 08-01-2019 06:56 PM

It is hard, and a cold on top of all that must be making you feel extra awful. Right now maybe all you can do is try to take care of yourself and do things that will help your physical symptoms a bit at least. I know it doesn't solve things but it might make them slightly more bearable. Keep trying to get in touch with your CPN, or see if someone else can do it for you if you have someone like that in your life.

chinahorse 09-01-2019 07:50 PM

The only way out is to die. I'm seeing that now. I'm so down. I'm sick of this. If it weren't for the cat I'd be very very unsafe. As it is I'm not good.

nonperson 09-01-2019 08:00 PM

Hang in there, Lillie. Wish I knew what to say that would be more useful... I'm very glad you have Bertie.

chinahorse 10-01-2019 09:33 PM

I feel like I can't keep all the plates spinning. But I also feel extremely cut off from myself. I'm on the way to A and E. It's all rather shit.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 07:18 AM

I was in a and e from like 9.45pm until 6.30am. When I was seen I was overwhelmed by voices and sensory overload and ended up referred to psych. But they came and said I'd have to wait until at least 8.30. So I discharged myself and am at home. I'll call the cmht as soon as they open and am not going to work until after I've spoken to them.

I feel lost and broken and not cared for. Such another bad a and e experience. The dr was nice but the wait when I was distressed with no update to say it'd be 6 hours was awful.

nonperson 11-01-2019 01:17 PM

That’s really ridiculous about the waiting times. How are you getting on now? I hope you managed to get through to the cmht.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 01:54 PM

I feel a mess. I'm at work. Dragging myself through the day. The cmht hasn't called me back.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 02:02 PM

Cmht called. Doing nothing. Speaking to my psych. I'm so so knackered and low.

one_step_closer 11-01-2019 02:13 PM

Did you express to them how difficult things are for you? I hope that your psych can offer something useful. They can't leave you fighting like this.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 05:50 PM

I did as much as I could. Cpn was sympathetic but told me just to go to A and E if things got bad before I do stuff.

I'm loosing.

nonperson 11-01-2019 05:55 PM

Would seeing psych at A&E be more helpful?

chinahorse 11-01-2019 06:43 PM

No. They hate me there.

chinahorse 11-01-2019 06:44 PM

I'm stuck.
And don't even have a bed to sleep in cos bertie pissed on it again. Because today's not been shit enough.

one_step_closer 12-01-2019 06:57 PM


Would telling people at A&E that you have been advised to go there mean that they might treat you differently? Or is there an A&E in another area that is sort of close that you could go to instead to see if they are more helpful?

Maybe keep Bertie out of your bedroom for now if that suits.

chinahorse 12-01-2019 07:07 PM

I don't want to go unless I have an injury and even then I might not.

I feel so hopeless. Why is it so awful?

Bertie is usually kept out yes.

one_step_closer 12-01-2019 07:14 PM

Do you know what you do want? Anything safe that you really would like at the moment, maybe we can help you figure out a way to get even a little of what you need.

chinahorse 12-01-2019 07:17 PM

I want some time to rest without my head making it impossible.
I want the assessments to be arranged for next week like I asked.
I want prn for just in case so hopefully I can avoid a and e.
I want the cmht to support me.

chinahorse 13-01-2019 09:00 PM

Been to A and E for self harm again. Things are really rubbish. The thought of work tomorrow makes me want to cut again.

nonperson 13-01-2019 09:13 PM

Would it help if you did?

chinahorse 13-01-2019 09:15 PM

Couldn't make things worse

nonperson 13-01-2019 09:17 PM

That might be true but equally it won't make anything better either so it wouldn't be worth it. =/

Auror. 13-01-2019 09:34 PM

I wish I knew what to say. I am really glad you are getting medical attention when you need it though, I know that can't be easy.

Fire Fly 14-01-2019 04:04 AM

I wonder whether you need some respite. Do you think you need to be on a
N a acute ward for little? Are you getting pIp

chinahorse 14-01-2019 10:04 AM

I didn't cut. But I haven't gone into work either.

I don't get pip no. Respite would be too detrimental for me.

one_step_closer 14-01-2019 03:10 PM

I'm sorry things are still awful. Have you at least managed to take some time to rest and get some of the things you need from yourself today?

chinahorse 14-01-2019 04:29 PM

I've done nothing by sleep all day on and off. I called cmht but no one was available.

Unbreakable. 14-01-2019 10:50 PM

Sleep is good.

It must be frustrating to once again find no support available from the people who are supposedly supporting you.

How are you feeling? Did sleeping help?

chinahorse 15-01-2019 07:34 AM

Beginning to think I should just end it all properly and fully.

Sleeping helped a bit. I'm so so fatigued. On my way to work now. I know I should have showered but so much energy.

Meeting cpn today. Let's see how rubbish that is.

Buttons. 15-01-2019 09:04 AM

Hope it goes as well as possible with your CPN. *hugs gently if wanted*

tamobhuuta 15-01-2019 02:29 PM

I hope your CPN is helpful x

one_step_closer 15-01-2019 03:18 PM

I really hope your CPN hears you and gives you whatever support you need.

chinahorse 15-01-2019 05:56 PM

Cpn wasnt that helpful. Said the psychology and dbt people would contact me for an assessment. Said they may expedite things so I'm not on a waiting list. Doesn't give me any support now though.

Need to shower and eat and play with the cat and tidy my front room and I'm nearly in tears on the bus at how much I have to do.

Badly want to cut again. The receptionist at a and e knows who I am.

nonperson 15-01-2019 06:03 PM

Maybe things being expedited can give you a little bit of hope though.

Is there anything you think you can do to avoid cutting?

chinahorse 15-01-2019 06:07 PM

Doesn't help me now though. Haven't even had the assessment which they could say no in.

I don't know. I'm tired and need to clean the house and shower.

chinahorse 15-01-2019 06:07 PM

There is no hope for me. Is there? None.

nonperson 15-01-2019 06:22 PM

There is always hope. It can be hard to see it yourself sometimes though, but I promise it is there.

What will help you right now then?

chinahorse 15-01-2019 07:14 PM

I've washes myself and my hair and fed the cat.

What'd help is a few days off work with crisis working on coping strategies and people to call when I'm stressed and can't cope.

Right now I'm knackered but wanna cut still. Like so tired I can't see straight.

nonperson 15-01-2019 07:21 PM

Are there other helplines or something you could call? I know they might not be able to help as such but they would listen. I also don't have any particular ones to suggest, sorry.

Well done for getting some stuff done while being so tired. Is it time for some rest? Or it's never too early for bed when you're super tired.

Auror. 15-01-2019 07:27 PM

This might be a really dumb question to ask, and I promise I'm asking because I legitimately don't remember, not because I'm trying to have a go at you or insult you. I know you are trying. I'm wondering if when you were in the therapeutic community you learned any type of coping skills that you could look back on or use? I know you didn't get a lot out of it and I can't really remember specifics of what they did there.

chinahorse 15-01-2019 10:44 PM

At the cassel they would say yo talk to someone and tell them my thoughts and feelings.

I've slept for 2 hours. Woke up. Want to self harm badly. More than I want sleep. More than anything. I know I need to sleep again. And go to work tomorrow. It's hard to care.

Pomegranate 16-01-2019 02:22 AM

Why do you want to self harm? What will the result be?

Unbreakable. 16-01-2019 03:25 AM

I hope you managed to stay safe and go back to sleep. <3

chinahorse 16-01-2019 07:26 AM

The result will be damage and an escape from my head. The voices are back intemittently and I'm finding it hard to deal with. The damage appeases them. The damage means hopefully someone in my real life (if that makes sense) who is in a position to help me will.

I didn't self harm but didn't sleep well thpugh I did sleep.

chinahorse 16-01-2019 09:13 PM

I can't keep doing this.
Am in a and e again.
It's busy again.
Hours and hours wait again.
It's rubbish. I'm rubbish.
Feel really stuck and low and out of ideas guys.

tamobhuuta 18-01-2019 01:24 PM

Did you get sorted at A&E? Things will get better x

chinahorse 19-01-2019 08:12 PM

I did get sorted. And had a few hours sleep before work which was good. The triage psych liason was horrible so I declined their input.

Struggling with the cmht. Meant to have had 2 phone calls to make 2 separate appointments and had neither. How am I meant to believe these people have my best interests at heart?

I'm so fatigued.

one_step_closer 23-01-2019 02:05 PM

Have you heard from anyone yet? I'm sorry people are being so useless. How are you doing?

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