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Kahlia1981 24-03-2010 05:18 AM

*huggles everybody*

SoMuchMore 24-03-2010 06:26 AM

Im so tired of this....

*hugs everyone*
*runs away*

Scarletdreamer 24-03-2010 10:08 AM

Good morning, everyone... *cuddles for all*

I'm so sick of this. I wake up every morning, anxious, and not wanting Jarrod to go to work. He's already used up 2+ weeks of his 3 weeks of vacation time, either taking care of himself or taking care of me. It sucks, and I feel so awful. I think he would be better off without me. I really do. I'm just a burden, and I'm not getting any better. In fact, I'm getting worse.

I don't know. My appetite is practically gone, although I know I need to eat, and whilst I never had much of an appetite before, at least I didn't want to gag at the thought of eating something. :( I don't have a therapist anymore and I don't know when I'll be able to get back into therapy... I have to do meds through mail-order now or else insurance won't cover them at all, and I'm running out of Klonopin (clonazepam, a benzodiazepine) which I REALLY REALLY REALLY need... damn, I'm such a slacker.

I'm sorry for posting this here. It really should go on my r/v thread... but I don't know how many people read that.


Doikers 24-03-2010 10:28 AM

* Hugs April* I know how you feel about Benzo's I woulden't get through the day sometime's without my Diazapam . You are not a slacker you are just in a bad place , You WILL get through this .

*hugs to everyone who left me advice re my Dad I'll have to give it some thought*
*Hugs to the whole group*

I'm feeling really triggered but I haven't given in to the urge yet today and recently I have given in by now its coming up to 10.30am I'll just have to play the 15 minute game, check how I am every 15 minutes and say If I need to cut in 15 mins I will and then after 15 mins say the same thing and start over , it might work .

Does that make sense?

Doikers 24-03-2010 12:03 PM

I feel "High" really really un focused . My mind is racing . it won't stop . I'm all high pitched ( Don't know how else to describe it) . perhaps it's because I haven't harmed today , I REALLY want to , NEED too , I don't like feeling so hyper , I'll take a Diazapam , perhaps that will help bring me down , I can feel my anxiety coming too best take the Diaz before it gets here . Hope this makes sense I am just typing as I'm thinking ......

Scarletdreamer 24-03-2010 12:03 PM

Yep, it makes sense to me, Mark. The 15 minute game & I are good friends... lol. *curls up next to* Thanks for the support... I do feel like a slacker though, I really do... I wish I could change how I felt, that would make life SO much easier. :( Do you have any idea why you're triggered or are you just, well, triggered? *hugs* Keep fighting the urges... you can do it... you've made it through before. You're stronger than you know.

How is everyone doing this morning?? *cuddles*

I am so tired of living. I want to ask for an extension on a take-home exam that is due tomorrow given that over the weekend I was wayyy too anxious to do it... I'm going to try and get it done today but I don't know if that's going to happen. :( That's why I call(ed) myself a slacker... I put off my work until the last minute and then hope that everything will turn out okay. I AM SO STUPID!!!


Scarletdreamer 24-03-2010 12:05 PM

What you said makes sense to me, Mark, again. Hope the diazepam helps. That's Xanax, right? or is it Ativan? I keep forgetting which is which in the world of "'pams"... heh. Anyway, I do hope that you can calm down some soon... I hate it when I am manicky. :(

My NP gave me a script for more Klonopin but only a 30 day supply... I don't like that as I will have to order again in about 15 days, which is really dumb and money wasting and I don't know if insurance will like that.

I really feel so stupid. Need to go write in my r/v thread I guess... :(

Doikers 24-03-2010 12:17 PM

MANIC!! thats the perfect word to describe the feeling April , thankyou :) been racking my brain for the right word . If you were too anious to do the exam I think it's fair to ask for an extention , anxiety is SO hard to control ( I know from experience ) it's not your fault at all , Good luck with it if you try to do it today or try and get the extention .
Diazapam is Valium , Somedays I just can't function without it so I can certanly empathise with your Klonopin *Super Hugs*

Scarletdreamer 24-03-2010 12:20 PM

Ah Valium, should've known that. :) *cuddles* Yes, manic. (You're welcome!!) Are you bipolar? or just keyed up because you haven't SI'd? (which is awesome :D)

I did just email and ask for an extension... gonna try and get as much done as possible today but have been doing awfully so far today, am at my parents' so I won't cut or try and kill myself (yes, it's that bad)... but I refuse to go into hospital because I'm soo close to the end of the semester. Just 6 more weeks... if I end up in hos now I won't be able to finish off the semester.

**** **** ****. I HATE BEING THIS WAY!!! :crying:

EDIT - oh and just updated r/v thread...

Doikers 24-03-2010 12:31 PM

I'm not Bipolar , I have chronic Depression but sometimes get all manic ( Sounds like bipolar I know but chronic depression is my Diagnosis .) I'm on AD meds and Lithium and anti anxiety meds and anti psycotics and Antabuse so I don't drink( 12 days since I had any alcohol but thats for another post ) I STILL Haven't S.I.ed it's getting harder I hope the Diaz kicks in soon or I may be naughty and take another so soon .
I read your Vent spot April *HUGS* , perhaps it's a good idea to be at your parents , please stay safe .

PrincessSparkle 24-03-2010 12:51 PM


Scarletdreamer 24-03-2010 01:03 PM

Oh okay, Mark, that makes sense. :) Maybe it's more of a mood disorder NOS but I don't know... who does, heh, the mind is a VERY tricky thing to work with. I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided to become a psych major... lol. Don't get me wrong, I love it, it's just that it's, well, TRICKY. :P

Yer it probably is a good idea for me to be at my parents'. And I got the first part of the exam done, which is a good start... hopefully will be able to finish it up today sometime, although as I said, I did ask for an extension. :-/

Well done, Mark, for not SI'ing yet. Maybe curl up in bed for awhile to let the diaz kick in?? *is still curled up next to* :)

*hugs Sparkle back* How're you doing?

Doikers 24-03-2010 02:05 PM

I utterly caved in , I went for a walk as the urge was getting so strong but I ended up getting wet ( too manic / flat to think I'd need a jacket ) nd the only place left was to go home , outside was too crowded so I just got anxious which just led to me harming along with feeling flat and manic . All these contradictory feeling at once my mind can't take it . At least the anxiety had calmed although I'm still Flat and manic . Too weak willed to tough out a whole day without S.I.
Thats just me, pathetic boy! ruining my body one bit at a time , I really wish the manicness and depression would **** off , it's like my own mind is trying to trip me up no matter what I do , I'm just an insignifican't waste of space ugh. sorry to be so wrapped up in myself in this post . *Pops into bed with another Diaz*

MammaMia 24-03-2010 02:20 PM

So over everything :'(

Doikers 24-03-2010 02:35 PM

25 minutes in bed with another diaz has helped . I am feeling calmer .

April what does NOS mean?

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 03:53 PM

mark~ nos means not otherwise specified i do believe.
glad you're feeling calmer *hugs*

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 06:53 PM

Just thought I'd share :)

Doikers 24-03-2010 07:02 PM

Thanks for sharing Crimson :)
I slipped up again today , twice in one day isn't good
It's 7pm , I am going to bed , I'm exhausted and I don't want there to be a 3rd slip up on my part today.
Goodnight everyone , stay safe , catch you tommorow morning :-)

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 07:16 PM

*Cuddles Mark*
Keep safe and sleep well.

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 07:56 PM

Is it strange that I post positive and negative both in my r/v thread?
Ah well... If it's strange it's cuz it's my thread and I am strange and proud of it :D

Kahlia1981 24-03-2010 10:31 PM

April - Just thought I'd share this. The hospital here tried to put me on Clonazepam instead of Xanax (alprazolam), but in our system it's only available under the PBS (subsidy scheme) for palliative care patients!

*hugs everyone tightly*

I had a bad night last night. Really strong su urges. Seriously not coping overly well. I'm going to see my GP today about getting a) a cortisone injection into my shoulder or (if he won't accept it) b) some decent NSAID pain killers. Also having a massive problem with constipation due to the high levels of codeine I've been taking ... it's driving me insane.

*sigh* I guess the only thing I can say is: we shall see what we shall see, when we shall see it.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies, I have been reading and you are all in my thoughts, though.

*hugs everyone then tries to nip into a dark corner to catch a little bit of extra sleep before the courtesy bus from the doctors surgery drops around*

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 10:56 PM

*huggles Kahlia*
Keep you in thoughts :)

Kahlia1981 24-03-2010 11:01 PM

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs everyone*

Just popped up again to say ... I have just reached my 19 months SI free!

*does a little happy dance*
*runs out of energy and sits down on the floor*

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 11:06 PM

Congrats! That's awesome!

MammaMia 24-03-2010 11:33 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Congratulations Kahlia x

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 11:41 PM

How are you today Helen? :)

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 12:50 AM

*throws some confetti around for kahlia*

*cuddles april, mark, helen, and crimson*

*sigh* there has to be something better than this... right?

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:23 AM


Originally Posted by angelic_monster (Post 2202128)
How are you today Helen? :)

Struggling, worried, yet kinda ok? How are you?

Laura, big cuddles hun. Want to talk about it?

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:34 AM

*hugs helen*

I dont know... im just tired of waiting for things to look up and im tired of where i am at. I wish i was someone else. Which is probably the reason why i want to move somewhere far away for graduate school after next year. I want to just erase me and start over.

I doubt that would even work tho... i mean, its not like i could move and then all my problems would go away... and i really dont think u can erase anxiety issues... but it really feels like that is what i need to do. Go somewhere where nobody knows me.

Right now i just feel like at any moment, everything is going to just come bursting out of me... and i dont think itll be good if that happens. I'm scared of it.

I'm sorry, this is ranting and not making much sense probably.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:38 AM

It makes sense, just wish I could have some supportive words that'd help right now & I don't...*big squishy hugs*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:46 AM

its ok helen, dont worry about it.. i'll be fine, i always am... thanks for the hugs *cuddles*

hope you are alright.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:50 AM

Don't believe you, hope you will be alright though *cuddles*

Far from ok, but I'm fine :D

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:54 AM

lol the whole fine but not fine thing... sounds like we have that in common right now... it sucks kinda.

Hang in there. *squishes*

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:56 AM

Mmm. I kow what you mean,.

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 04:51 AM

*huggles everyone*

Thanks Crimson, Helen & Laura - I really feel like celebrating. We have a good friend coming over sometime this afternoon for a movie night and I'm tempted to suggest we either get a Black Forest cake (all three of us like them) or something like that. lol

*hugs Crimson* - How are you?

*hugs Hels* - What's happening hun? I noticed in your reply to Crimson that you said you were "Struggling, worried, yet kinda ok". Is there anything I/we can do to help?

*hugs Laura_Star* - Sorry for butting in, but anxiety doesn't tend to go away with a change of location. I can understand the feeling of just wanting to get away to a place where no-one knows you so you can re-invent yourself. .. Just checking, is that kind of what you meant? It's what I understood from what you wrote but I just want to double check that I didn't misread it. And that feeling that everything is going to burst out of you can kind of be a double-edged sword - like you are scared it is going to happen so you try and bottle everything up tightly, which makes it more likely to burst out. Sorry hun, I'm just trying to explain what I've learnt not put you down in any way, so please forgive me if it comes across that way. Please just be careful, and make sure to take good care of yourself. *hugs you tightly*

*hugs April, Mark, Hayley and everyone else* - How have things been going with all of you?

*hugs everyone, leaves a plate of Kit-Kats on the table and slips into a dark corner for a power nap*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 05:26 AM

*hugs kahlia* dont worry I dont think you are putting me down or anything. And yes, the whole reinventing myself is exactly what i mean (even though i know it probably wouldn't work...) And that is kinda what i meant about the whole bursting feeling. I am trying to hold things in... i always have. But I feel like I am having trouble holding them in right now. Which is super scary for me b/c then people would know all about me.. And idk, i dont want to be seen as weak or stupid... which maybe I am... but.. oh i dont know. I'm sorry for talking about all this.

And you should celebrate! 19 months is fantastic! Have fun!

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 05:31 AM

*hugs Laura_Star* - Sorry I'm stuck in that habit. Cool. I just wanted to make sure that I was reading and interpreting what I had read close to what I thought. I can really understand where you are coming from hun. It really does seem like an easy option sometimes - actually both the holding things in and the reinventing. It's okay to talk about it hun. This is a safe forum for just that reason, sometimes we have to talk about this sort of stuff. Thanks hun. I am totally celebrating today/tonight. :D

*huggles everyone*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 10:08 AM

Hi everyone... wow, losts of posts since I've been out & about!! :P

*does a happy dance with Kahlia* Congratulations, love!! That's awesome. :D I would be so so happy if I were you, so do definitely celebrate and let us know how you enjoyed it. :) *hugs*

*cuddles LauraStar* Awh, yeh, I wish I could erase me and reinvent myself starting somewhere else too... but Kahlia - and you - are right, it doesn't work that way... *sigh* ...it would be so much nicer if it did, wouldn't it? What's been going on lately that causes you to want to reinvent yourself? anxiety been awful? *more cuddles*

*squishes Helen* The F.I.N.E. thing, I take it? :P what's up, love?

*cuddles Mark* Awh, I'm sorry that you gave in to the urges but at least you went to bed early and hopefully didn't get up to SI after that. :( But try not to feel bad, it's just slip ups... you can regain your footing... however, I do know how "slippery the slope is" ... so be careful. *squishes* I'm here if you need to talk. Anytime - and the same goes for the rest of you. :)

I'm exhausted. I just got up like 20 minutes ago (around 5:45am) but I really could use a nap right now... I have tutoring this morning then classes this afternoon... grrrr... don't want to do any of it!! But I did manage to get the extension on the exam so that's a relief... :) ...it was originally due today but when I told the prof about how bad my anxiety has been lately, he was very understanding and said to take as long as I needed to get it done. WHEW!!!!


I am getting closer and closer to the edge... :(

Doikers 25-03-2010 10:29 AM

*hugs Kahlia* 19 months is an awesome acheivment , Well done :-)

*Hugs for everyone else to* , sorry for lack of individual replies I just don't have the energy atm .

I have to leave the flat to get milk and then for a nurses appointment later which I am dreading , not dreading the appointment just the walking across town part to get to her, she listens and has good advice I am hopeing she will say something that will fix me although I know that it's not that simple and won't happen I can hope right?

April*Hugs to you* It goes both ways you know you can talk to me anytime too .
I am all too aware how slippery the slope I'm standing on is :(

I've had enough of THIS.........enough of feeling the need to harm ugh.......enough of being flat .

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 10:59 AM

I've had enough too, Mark... but I don't know how to stop it. I really, really want to SI right now... I'm home and won't be going anyplace for awhile, still in my jammies, but, oh, ARGHH!!!!!! :crying: I hate my life so much. Nothing ever seems to work out and right now... well, I need to put that in my r/v thread. Again. It helps sometimes... I don't know... I feel so pointless, worthless, useless, unloveable. :(

I feel like a slob. I haven't even done my hair yet today. :( Not even brushed it out from the braid I put it in at night. Not gotten dressed either - am in my pink flannel Eeyore pants that say "whatever" on them and a striped Aeropostale longsleeve shirt. And my feet are cold. I just want to go back to bed but I don't want to if our landlord will be coming back to finish up our ceiling...

:crying: Sorry, that was so disjointed & such a mess...

Doikers 25-03-2010 11:44 AM


I feel so pointless, worthless, useless, unloveable.
April you are NONE of those things , you just can't see it as you are in such a shitty place but it will get better for you , for all of us , we just have to hold on and yes thats hard but we can do it , we are a tough bunch *Hugs*
Oh and don't worry about what you landlord thinks about what you look like it's not his buisness to judge you . As for your cold feet try these * Hands April super warming socks*

I Read your rant-vent thread , please be safe mate *Extra Hugs*

one_step_closer 25-03-2010 11:55 AM

I wish that I would just die. Life is too much for me and I want nothing from it.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:09 PM

*cuddles to all*

I'm really struggling. Just didn't realise how much?? I think just because I had a couple good days, it wiped out all the bad ones before that from memory, if that makes sense. Yet I remember other people (well my best friends) not being okay. But keep trying to block out me not being ok. If that even makes sense? All came to a head on Tuesday night, well Wednesday morning. Was talking to one of my best friends for over 3 hours about how I'm spiralling downwards & so fast, apprantly my best friends are trying to catch me but I'm going too fast & they're worried. They must be right, they are the people who know me the best :) Sorta realised it for myself yesterday. But everything's fine. I'm fine. Don't need any help. I'M FINE FINE FINE :@ :'(

Sorry for lack of individual support..

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:23 PM

*cuddles april* yes it would be nicer to just be able to reinvent myself. There has been a lot going on that makes me feel like this... its just all kinda been building since my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. Thats when i first got this idea that i needed to get out of here, and even tho now I am a lot more okay with the whole situation than i was... that feeling hasnt gone away at all. Plus, Im just so tired of having social anxiety issues ruin my life... I hate it. Like in class or whatever, i'll actually have something legitimate to say and ill try to raise my hand (to get my participation points) and a huge wave of anxiety comes over... not usually a panic attack but still pretty sucky. Idk. I just want out.

Anyway, enough about me... I'm sorry that you are feeling poorly but Mark is right, you are not pointless or useless or any of the other things you said. I'm glad that you professor gave you an extension, that was very nice of him. Keeping hold on, I know its hard, but you can do it! *hugs*

*hugs mark* I understand what you mean about wanting someone to say something that will fix you... it sucks that it doesnt really work like that. I always find myself waiting for quintessential moments that never actually happen heh. Anyway, I hope you are okay.

*hugs lindsay* I'm sorry things are so hard right now, but you can keep fighting. Stay strong hun.

*cuddles helen* Hun, you don't sound fine... Maybe try to let your friends help. Keep talking on here if it helps. I'm sorry i dont have much advice right now.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:38 PM

I'm not fine. I know :'( Now I may have a job and I'm sat here nearly crying. Feeling like crying for days. I can't do this. Can't do anything :'(

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:46 PM

*cuddles helen* maybe you should let yourself cry... it might help. Hang in there. I've gotta get to class, but if u need to talk feel free to send me a PM.

*hugs everyone else before rushing out* gonna be late! heh o well.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:47 PM

Thanks Laura x

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 02:10 PM

*huggles everyone*

Thanks April and Mark re my 19 months milestone. Tonight - hmm, maybe that should be last night as it's now after midnight - we celebrated by watching two movies (Romeo + Juliet && Jumper) and had some Black Forest cake. It was really nice. Just some time with friends who realise that it's been a struggle. Seriously, it's been lovely.

*hugs everyone, sneaks some cake and snacks into the ward and then curls up in the corner to try and get some sleep :) *

MammaMia 25-03-2010 02:28 PM

Sounds awesome, hope you get a good sleep Kahlia :) *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 02:32 PM

I spy a Helen!! *cuddles* So sorry that you haven't been feeling very well... that sucks. :( And that you're not fine - I understand what you mean when you say that there were a few good days that kind of wiped out the bad. Is there anything I/we can do to help? and yes, I agree with LauraStar, let your friends help you as - as you said - they know you best. *squish* Maybe seek some outside help too if you can??

Thanks for the support guys... am still feeling awfully rubbishy and just want to off myself... but I can't here. I don't know. I just don't see any way out anymore. :crying:

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