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Canis 26-12-2009 07:34 PM

thankfully we both accepted we were being stupid and it's mostly okay now... still makes me feel bad because I'm having so many outbursts in the last week or so...

Scarletdreamer 26-12-2009 07:41 PM

Awww. Yeh, that's pretty much what you have to do, both accept that you were both being stupid. That's happened to my husband and me a lot... heh. But we've learnt and are doing a lot better now (not that we were ever doing terribly, it's just that it takes time to learn how to argue properly). When are you and your fiancée getting married?

*more hugs*

Canis 26-12-2009 07:46 PM

Yeah, I noticed that... we've been dating for five years now and we're only starting to argue decently without blaming in the last few months...
We actually wanted to get married next year, but there were some financial troubles we couldn't forsee... So... as soon as we have money for a decent wedding. *sigh*

*hugs back*

Scarletdreamer 26-12-2009 07:53 PM

Aw. My wedding was only 7 people (including pastor, me, and my then fiancé)... didn't want the huge hoopla or anything. Ended up getting married in the middle of a semester - over fall break - which worked out quite nicely. :) I'm glad we did it that way instead of paying for a wedding dress, cake, caterers, etc., etc., etc... :-/

Grrrrgh, I'm eating a protein bar right now because I need to (I'm supposed to be getting a HUGE amount of protein per day and I'm nowhere near that now) and I super really want to purge it... feel so ****ing full and nasty. *cries*

Canis 26-12-2009 08:00 PM

Oh, that sounds nice, too. I mean, as long as you were happy with it, it's okay. ^^
My girl has her eyes set on a certian wedding dress, so we'll have to wait at least untill we can afford that... I want everything to be perfect for her <3

*huggles you* hey... you can do it and I promise it's okay. :-)

Scarletdreamer 26-12-2009 08:19 PM

Aw, that's so sweet of you. :) I hope that things work out perfectly for you both.

*huggles back* I don't feel like it's okay... and I really am sick of food. Thing is, it's starting to taste better... which is a bad thing because that means I want more of it!! which brings on bingeing urges. *cries*

Canis 26-12-2009 08:21 PM

Thank you a lot. :)

okay, that sucks... I don't really know what to tell you, sorry... :( *just huggles some more*

Scarletdreamer 26-12-2009 09:15 PM

You're welcome. :) I know how stressful it can all get before a wedding... just make sure you have some of the planning done a year or so in advance. :P

Yeh, it's hard to know what to say to some things... sorry... but thanks for the huggles. They are much needed. :) *huggles back* How are you doing now?

Kahlia1981 26-12-2009 10:33 PM

*hugs everyone*

April - the binge(eat)/purge cycle is really hard to get out of. My eating disorder ended when the docs put me on risperdal for psychosis. It took away my ability to feel full so instead of having this little tiny stomach it kept growing... and so did my weight. I've only recently been able to gain back some control. Anyway I'm talking too much about me. Just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from, you put just a little bit of food in and then the brain triggers the "I want to purge" stuff. Nasty. *hugs you*

My housemate really isn't doing well. The hospital took him off all his medication on Christmas Eve because a) his lithium levels were high and b) they suspected that the Seroquel was causing his chest pain by atrophying the muscles in his heart and chest. Yesterday he walked around the flat wearing nothing but two socks and one shoe. I had to keep stoppping him from going outside .... something I eventually gave up trying to do but tried to keep him from walking down the street. Last night I went to bed and just managed to fall asleep (I have serious sleep difficulties) and he woke me up. He kept me awake all night. He was worried that if we went to sleep we wouldn't wake up in the morning. It was really weird. I think he was hallucinating because he kept staring into the corner of the room and talking about what he could see.

It really doesn't help that I'm not in too great a way myself. My mood is really low and I'm regularly hallucinating. The lack of sleep is seriously not helping. *sigh* I'm just not sure what to do.

*finds a really dark corner to lay down and try to go to sleep in*

Scarletdreamer 26-12-2009 10:51 PM

*gently hugs Kahlia* Sounds like you've been through a rough time, and are going through a rough time. Have you talked to your flatmate's doctors about the problems that he's been having? It seems like an awful lot of responsibility for you to have... hopefully things will improve soon.

I was on Risperdal but it didn't do anything for me. That was back in 2005, when my ED was REALLY bad. The b/p cycle is awful... I still haven't given in, but neither have the urges. I wish that they would just go away... I hate WANTING to stuff my face but not being able to do it. The same with purging. I went out to dinner tonight and I want to purge so desperately... was worse when I was more full... but it still is AWFUL. :( I wish that I could fight better, be better. I'm going to have to work fulltime - if I can find a job - next fall, so I'd better be able to handle stress etc., especially in my career field (psychology/counseling).

Gahhh. I am going to terminate care with my nutritionist next time I see him... because I don't think I'm recovered enough to take his advice. I'm trying, I really am, but it's so hard!! Some people might think that terminating isn't a wise choice, but... if I start taking better care of myself (i.e., exercising regularly) and also if I buy a scale that tells you how much fat/lean muscle you have gained/lost, I know what to do from there. Kind of. And I really don't like how my N and my personal trainer totally disagree with each other. :(


*needs hugs*

Kahlia1981 26-12-2009 11:29 PM

*hugs April* - only you know what is best for you in relation to the nutritionist hun. I wish I could say more .... I just want you to know that I know how hard it is to recover from an ED. And especially the b/p cycle. *hugs you again*

I haven't said anything to anyone except you guys about my flatmates current issues. He's making sense again this morning .... but, yeah idk.

SoMuchMore 27-12-2009 12:00 AM

*hugs kahlia and april and everyone else that needs one* Sounds like both of you are having a hard time. I hope it gets easier... sorry i don't have many words... but I am barely holding it together right now. I just wanted to stop in and say hi and offer hugs.. I can't concentrate very well, i don't know. I'm At family's house "celebrating" christmas... I hate long weekend family get togethers... they are hard to deal with and a tad boring... and I think im depersonalized. Anyway, I know I'm rambling... sorry.

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 12:10 AM

Kahlia, I know that only I know what's best... and I really think that I'm not ready for his guidance. I can't follow it. I struggle so much. Maybe if I don't see him and set my own, smaller goals, I will do better? Yet at the same time that sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially now. Oh, I don't know!!! :'(

Laura, love *big hugs* Try to take good care of yourself, as best as you can, anyway, okay? Family get togethers would be hard for me too, too many people and too much food and not enough privacy. Do you have any plans for the week?

*hugs everyone*

xXxDeathDancerxXx 27-12-2009 03:36 AM

*Sits in corner and stares at nothing*

I would cry but I can't cry anymore. I have cried for the last three hours.
The One person I cared for more then life itself Died. I don't know what it will do with out him. He practically freaking raised me and he leaves me =(
I fear I might do something drastic

SoMuchMore 27-12-2009 04:16 AM

*hugs april* You should do what you feel is best. I know it can be confusing. Be sure to talk to someone though and take care.

*hugs deathdancer* I'm so sorry you feel left. Stay strong hun.

I don't have any plans for the week yet... hopefully figuring out new years stuff and getting away time from my family. I havent SI'd yet... even tho i really really want to. Bad things keep happening. One of the people that I care about so much and trusted, no longer cares to even talk to me. It hurt more than i thought it would... i should be used toit by now...

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 11:45 AM

*gently hugs Dancer* I'm so sorry to hear that... it must be so difficult!! Is there anyone else in your life that you can rely on for help/support? Please don't do anything drastic... you don't need to. Take care of yourself the best you can... he would've wanted you to.

*gently cuddles Laura* You sound pretty fragile right now, love. Please try not to SI... it's not worth it. You're worth so, so much more than a scar. Is there anyone that you can talk with about how you're feeling? I'm sorry about that friend... what happened? any idea? or did s/he just suddenly quit speaking with you?

I'm not doing too well. Just ate (most) of my breakfast, am working on an Ensure right now. My husband is being more forceful than usual about me "frontloading" - getting a lot of calories in at the beginning of the day - not violent or anything, just a little frustrating, because I thought I had enough food but he "made" me eat more. :( And now - you guessed it - want to purge. But honestly, I think I can do this without my nutritionist. Need to speak with my NP and therapist about this, though... :-/

Today, church maybe, then over to my parents' house for lunch. My aunt - mum's younger sister - is over for a few days, up from Texas, so that should be nice. She is diabetic and has a sweet lovely golden lab that helps tell her when her blood sugar is low. :) I hope that her dog and my parents' dogs are getting along okay... heh. Their dogs are 13 and 11 years old... my aunt's lab is 7ish. So yeh, big difference in age. But the 11 year old dog, a sheltie-black lab cross, acts like a puppy... so they should - should - get along. :)

*cuddles for everyone*

Absynnthe 27-12-2009 04:10 PM

*crawls into ward again in big bubble to protect everyone from chicken pox, waves miserably...*

Hihi again......

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 05:25 PM

Aww Franz, you have the chicken pox? *cuddles inside the box, since I've already had it*

So that's why you haven't been around... or have you been avoiding me? :P Hehehe... *hugs*

I'm at my parents' waiting for them to get home. Heh. My aunt is over and they went to church and probably out for coffee... dunno where they are now, though, as my mum told us to come over between noon and 12:30pm. And it's 12:30pm right now, no sign of them. :-/

*hugs everyone*

~Grace~ 27-12-2009 05:36 PM

I dont visit here very often but thought id pop in a wish everyone well
Sprinkles glitter and jelly beans xx

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 06:08 PM

*hugs Grace* How you doing today? :) Thanks for the jelly beans, I'll take the sugar-free kind. Hehe.

Family showed up about 2 seconds after I posted that last post... good. They didn't say what took them so long though... hmmmm. But at least they're here now. My dad, husband, and I are going to go target shooting after lunch too... that should be fun. :) I'm still pretty awful with my gun, but I DID hit the target on the first shot I ever took with it. :P

*hugs to everyone*

[Awakening] 27-12-2009 06:10 PM

*hugs everyone* I hope you're all ok and safe in here. *offers lots of calorie free chocolates and coffees to all*

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 06:11 PM

Hey Scarlett... how's your girlfriend doing? how was your Christmas?

Lunchtime, urgh... :( Hate food atm.

Ummm... *thinks*

Oh well. Brain's dead right now. Hope you're well. :)

[Awakening] 27-12-2009 06:21 PM

She's doing much better. She was discharged on christmas eve and has been over all feeling better. Christmas was lovely, stressful but nice at the same. I ate way too much and i'm praying for a tummy bug now to shrink my bulging stomach back to size!

I think it might be time for my addmission now though lol ( i wish anyway!) She doesn't seem to need me much right now which is good but a little hard all the same. Plus its my time of the month so im a little everywhere atm!

How are you doing? How was your christmas? x x x

one_step_closer 27-12-2009 08:03 PM

I'm so scared, I need to die.

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 08:10 PM

*cuddles One step* What's up, love?

My Christmas was good, thanks, Scarlett. Family wasn't the best, but there's a thread in general advice on that. Why do you think it's time for YOUR admission? *huggles*

I'm feeling crrrrappy. But not as bad as earlier. I went to the bathroom right after lunch, forgetting that I'm not "supposed" to. Oops. However, I didn't purge, which is good... :)

Went target shooting, which was fun, with my husband and dad. Only shot 14 rounds out of my pistol, and hit the target 5 times... so yeah. :-/

*hugs everyone*

[Awakening] 27-12-2009 08:15 PM

*hugs one step closer* I'm sure that isn't true, what's making you feel like that?

I'm glad your Christmas was good scarlet, sorry about the family - the can suck big time. I'm just tired really, I keep dreaming about a nice long break from the realities of life. *hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Well done for not purging hon!

Oooh that sounds fun, i'd love to do something like that x x x

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 09:36 PM

Scarlett, you can call me April. Hehe. Otherwise it sounds like you're talking to yourself. ;)

Yeah, target shooting is fun. Only problem is, I have a .45 caliber pistol and the .45 ACP rounds are SO EXPENSIVE!!! ($40 for 100 rounds) So yeh. My husband wants me to work on self defense tactics with his .22 (much cheaper rounds, very similar way of shooting/working)... so I will probably do that.

Blah. I really don't feel that great. :(

*cuddles everyone*

shadowedsoul 27-12-2009 10:08 PM

walks in and curls up in coner. dont want to be here anymore,argh!!! why do i always loose people i care about

xXxDeathDancerxXx 27-12-2009 10:18 PM

*hugs April*

I didn't do anything drastic because I know your right he would hate to see me hurt my self. He was the only one that knew the real me and understood me. He was My 77 year old grandfather that took care of me more than my father. His Lungs could not support his body an he did not want to be living off of life support. He died a hour and 20 minutes after I arrived. I miss him so much It hurts :crying:. His Funeral is on Wednesday.

shadowedsoul 27-12-2009 10:22 PM

hugs deathdancer gently,im so sorry hun.

xXxDeathDancerxXx 27-12-2009 10:42 PM

*hugs shadow back*
Thanks shadow
I know he is not in pain anymore but is hurts so much not having him here

xXxDeathDancerxXx 27-12-2009 11:17 PM

*hugs Kiera*

Thank you Kiera I will keep that in mind and if you need to talk im here I don't think I'm going to be sleeping lot ether.

Scarletdreamer 27-12-2009 11:32 PM

*cuddles everyone* Sorry to hear that everyone's low and all... sorry, am in a bad place now so can't offer words of wisdom or whatnot to you all... would if I could but my brain's not really working atm. Sorry...

I am going to quit seeing my nutritionist. Texted my NP to tell her as she was the one that said "it's vital" to have him on my treatment team. So... I have yet to hear back from her. I'm scared. >_< Stupid me.

God knows how sick I am of this!!!!!

SoMuchMore 28-12-2009 08:22 AM

*hugs april, kiera, and everyone else* i <3 all of u guys.. sorry to hear that everyone is doing badly. I wish i could give some advice, but I am doing badly myself and it would just feel hypocritical... I just want all of you to know that I am reading...

Some explanation for my last few posts:
When I was about 18 (i'm 20 now) my best friend quit talking to me, no reason given, she just stopped. It was one of the worst experiences b/c i had no idea what I did wrong and nobody else seemed to know either and she wouldnt talk to me... It took me a long time to trust anyone as a "best friend" again... and when I did... all this is happening again. I mean, It's been awhile I guess since he stopped talking to me... but something happened that made it official... he no longer cares enough about me to even keep updated or speak to me, even on the most superficial level. He knew almost everything about "my story"... and now it feels weird to know that someone out there knows a ton about me, yet refuses to even speak to me... Between that and my family stuff, I feel badly... Still trying to resist urges.. and i know its not worth it to SI... I just.. i don't know... I was feeling better, i really was... until the past 48 hours... now i just want to cry

Jetforce 28-12-2009 09:04 AM

*cuddles everyone but gives laura a big squish*

Kahlia1981 28-12-2009 10:29 AM

*huggles everyone*

My housemate woke from his psychosis today and we went by ambulance to hospital to get some answers (and an attempt at help). It really filled in some blanks for all of us. His "heart condition" was actually caused by elevated CK levels - which is an enzyme that shows up when there is muscle damage. The cardiac specialist made the decision to remove all his medication because his CK level was 10,700. This level is commonly reached by athletes immediately after a race etc and is not a critical level. It is elevated but according to my brother (an ICU nurse) not unusual (in his experience). Hence, my flatmate went into a psychotic episode. If I'd been thinking clearly I would have rung the crisis line or an ambulance on Boxing Day, but unfortunately I'm not particularly well at the moment. Anyway yesterday someone from Kith & Kin turned up to do a welfare check on him and he was standing naked on the balcony trying to let her in. She rang the crisis team and they did a home visit and he was unable to unlock the security door so spoke to them through it, and they made the decision that he "wasn't too distressed" and "seemed alright". Anyway, shortly after that he came and crawled up next to me in bed - I was trying unsucessfully to get some sleep. I didn't know about the two visits until we were at the hospital this morning. His mother rang and asked me how he was and I put him on the phone. He was talking about saving the planet and reducing carbon emissions by not charging his mobile phone. Today he woke extremely confused about what had been going on. Apparantly he was thinking of calling a locksmith to unlock the security door until he managed it. Anyway he is able to go back on his lithium tonight - which while it won't help his psychotic symptoms will help control his mood. The crisis team is getting in touch with a pdoc at the hospital and arranging some AP meds.

Sorry, most of you probably didn't want to read all that .... It's just been a seriously long holiday period and I'm over everything. Can I take a dark corner and try and sleep now??

[Awakening] 28-12-2009 11:23 AM

*hugs to everyone*

I'm so sorry death dancer, I'm glad you're grandfather isn't in pain anymore. *offers you a shoulder to cry on and a friendly ear to reminisce to*

Have you heard back from you're np yet April? You can call me Jocelyn btw.

*Cuddle for Kahlia and Laura* You can share my humungous goose down duvet if you want Kahlia x x x

Jetforce 28-12-2009 12:36 PM

*hugs Kahlia* sounds very hectic over there...hope ur housemates gets better asap..xx

Scarletdreamer 28-12-2009 12:57 PM

*cuddles everyone*

*gently holds Dancer* I'm sorry that your grandfather died... as I said before, it must be so difficult to have someone that close to you die. *gentle hugs* I think you're handling it pretty well though, as far as I can tell... you haven't done anything drastic, so that's a good thing!! Keep on hanging in there... do you have anyone - therapist, pastor, etc. - to talk with about this?

Laura *squishes* I'm sorry that you're feeling so low... I wish that you could cry, because that's so good for the mind... it releases tension and frustration and stress... that's what you need right now. I understand the frustration of being ignored by people that were "friends" - life isn't fair and this just goes to prove it even more thoroughly. Wish I could do something to help... if you need to talk, though, I'm here, okay? ♥

Kahlia *hugs* Thanks for the update. I'm glad to hear that they found out what was wrong with your flatmate... but how are YOU doing??

Jocelyn *hugs* Nope, haven't heard back from my NP or my therapist. I texted them both the same message last night and no response yet... ugh. :( I hate that. Hopefully they'll get back to me sometime today... I really need some feedback, just to make sure I'm not doing anything stupid with quitting seeing my N. :-/ Anyway, how you doing today? :)


one_step_closer 28-12-2009 03:41 PM

I don't know how much longer I can hold on for. Every day is such a struggle.

Scarletdreamer 28-12-2009 04:14 PM

Thing is, Kiera, I'm not asking for a different system. I'm just going to quit seeing ANY nutritionist. >_< And that seems to be a recipe for failure... even though part of me doesn't think it will be. *hugs* How are you?

*huggles One step* What's up, love? I understand every day being a struggle... but it DOES get better.

*gently cuddles Franz* I wish I could make things better for you... :( Sounds like you've had it pretty rough over the past few days... if you need to talk you know I'm here!! *hands you a teddy bear*

Absynnthe 28-12-2009 04:31 PM

*cuddles onto the teddy* >.<

This is an awful feeling. I feel like curling up and crying... And my mum caught onto the whole "not eating excuse for being ill."

*curls up to April and falls asleep.*

Absynnthe 28-12-2009 04:37 PM

*blinks up at Kiera tiredly*

*offers teddy*

Wanna talk?

SoMuchMore 28-12-2009 04:50 PM

*hugs kahlia* Wow, you have a had a lot going on. Maybe things will calm down a little now.. Remember to take care of yourself too.

*hugs kiera* Its good that your family cares about you though... I know that sometimes it feels like it would be easier if not... but in the end, i think its a good thing.

*hugs franz* That sucks that your sick :-( You should eat something though, something healthy.. it may help give your body some strength to help fight off the chicken pox

*hugs april* thanks for your kinda words. I haven't cried in months tho. I know that life isn't fair, and I know that I probably shouldn't complain as I know so many people have worse things going on... but sometimes it still seems like too much. Anyway, enough about me... how are you doing?

Strawberry.Bananas 28-12-2009 05:05 PM

Can you guys tell me something. Seriously. Are relationships every actually worth it. Can you ever trust yourself to love somebody? ... can you ever trust them to love you?

... I think I've just answered my own questions...

*curls up in darkest corner she can find and remains invisible*

[Awakening] 28-12-2009 06:52 PM

*cuddles everyone* I'm making a huge roast atm if anyone fancies some? *sets a table and lights some candles before scurrying back to the safety of the kitchen*

Strawberry.Bananas 28-12-2009 06:55 PM

Thanks for the reply Kiera. I'm in a ... complicated ... relationship and it stresses me every so often. Unfortunately, I think I've worn out all of my friends over the last 18 months with it so I just needed a bit of a vent. I'm crap with relationships =/.
Hope you're ok. x

Mmm...I could go for some of that roast! :D

Absynnthe 28-12-2009 07:25 PM

I'll help in the kitchen! :D

*scurries after*

*stops to hug Vicki*


Strawberry.Bananas 28-12-2009 07:36 PM

:D *Hugs back* Thanks hon!

*toddles through to watch the chefs at work*

MammaMia 28-12-2009 07:43 PM

I've been away from this lovely ward for faaaar too long. I am an orginal after all, musn't abdoan the place.

*sends cuddles around to everyone*

Hells is back in the ward aha!!!

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