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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

one_step_closer 06-06-2009 06:37 PM

I really want to die. :crying:

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 06:41 PM

*huggles one step closer*
I wish I had words for you that would bring you comfort and hope and motivation, but I spent 40mins on the phone with the samaritans last night so that I didn't take an overdose, so I'm perhaps not in the right frame of mind. All I can say is that you're not alone in your struggle and please keep holding on. xx

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 06:47 PM

Is there a kitchen in this ward without sharp things?

*goes looking as needs to feed the monster thats making noises in her belly*

wildly insane 06-06-2009 06:58 PM

*cuddles Helen* don't be hard on yourself hun, have a little r&r

*hugs Arwen* thanks :) hope you have a good evening

*hugs One Step Closer* just keep fighting, I know it's hard, but things will get better

*hugs Hayley* we missed you :) how are you? I hope the Samaritans helped. Four weeks is great you should give yourself a pat on the back for that. Hope tonight is better *huggles*

leaves some trashy magazines for people to laugh at and some chocolate - orange, white, dark, milk, green&blacks (ooh I love the one with ginger in)

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 07:05 PM

ooh hugs & chocolate!! yeah todays been better so far. I'm jst doing myself some dinner, so may be quiet for a bit, also watching d-day stuff on BBC4, so my attention is slighty split, but I'm jst doing my best to keep distracted.

[Fog] 06-06-2009 07:08 PM

Missed a lot but I hope everyone is doing ok.

I'm back on weekend leave and have to go back to the ward on Monday for a meeting with my parents and psych and hopefully I will be discharged then. It's weird being back home and I miss my friends at the ward but I'm glad to be out. I was in for over a month and I was getting fed up, especially as my CBT doesn't start until I'm discharged so I've just been getting worse and worse really.

I've had a diagnosis - dissociative disorder, which having done some research makes sense, and it apparently includes depression anxiety OCD self harm "psychosis" and all the rest of it. And an eating disorder. Woop.

Hope everyone is doing ok, hugs to all who need them xxxxx

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 07:16 PM

hey banana89, glad you're making progress and that you'll get CBT when you get out so that you're not just left to cope and adjust by yourself. I hope that having a diagnosis helps you too. Huggles.

....bollocks, just got spaghetti hoops down me typing that, lol

Damnation. 06-06-2009 07:37 PM

Hannah: It was weird, lmao *hugs back*. I'm a bit low tbh. Am glad you're feeling more up to fighting <3

*Hugs everyone else* Sorry I'm not doing many individual replies lately :sweat:

Ugh. Not in a good mood. I think I mentioned that I finally got my appointment a few weeks back. The one that I was waiting five ****ing months for. After my doctor "urgently" referred me. Got a letter...yesterday, I think, saying that they had to cancel and reschedule -_-. So it's now the 16th instead of next week. Yeah, that really gives me the ****ing impression that I "urgently" need to be seen.

So I've already been feeling that it'll be a damned miracle if I survive to what the appointment was meant to be for, and then they change it and make it even later?! Why the hell don't I just give the **** up now?

Oh, and also...am I still in school? *Looks around* Doesn't look like it...so why the **** am I yet again the subject of more childish rumours?! Someone said to a friend of my housemate, who told my housemate, who told me that people have been saying I need to be given a kick up the ass RE: housework for my own good. Erm, what?

1) I've been lax with it lately because the depression's come back full force and I have no motivation to do anything other than sleep, eat or go online. I struggle to get dressed or ****ing wash now, thank you very much. It's not that I'm simply being lazy.

2) The housemate's had a lack of motivation (she's just found out she has ****ing BREAST CANCER, for Chrst's sake), so she's not been doing much either and says she needs to give herself a kick up the ass before anyone else

3) When I do have motivation, I go and do what I need to without being told :/.

But noooooooooooooo, people look over the fact that I struggle with the void, cutting, overdoses, depressive moods, urges to drown my sorrows in booze etc etc and just see a lazy kid. Yeah, right. The friend of my housemate knows the truth, and my housemate herself obviously knows that I'm not just bone idle, but for Christ's sake. How old are people around here? I don't actually want to go out any more. I'm wondering if it's the people who I saw at this party we were both invited to who were gossiping. **** socialising, I'm a hermit.

Oh, and on top of all that, the womanising **** keeps appearing in my dreams again. So yeah. Not in a good mood

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 08:41 PM

Damnation - its crap that they've messed you around with your appointment date, especially when your struggling with so much, including the pathetic rumour mill. Just ignore people like that, they have no idea what we're going through and you don't need unsupportive people around you to drain you further.

I'm so so tired. Struggling to focus on tv but feel that I really should just so I can say I watched important documentaries, especially as my boyfriend is a paratrooper. But really just want to crawl under covers in bed and let the day be over and then I can say that I stayed safe today.

Damnation. 06-06-2009 09:07 PM

Especially since it's so close to the old date, too x_x. Last minutes changes fail. And I'm trying not to let the gossipers get to me, but argh. It's so damned annoying.

Aren't the documentaries on at another time, so you could catch the repeat and go get some sleeps now?

zowie 06-06-2009 09:09 PM

*Hugs Hayley* Welcome back hun. Don't beat yourself up about cutting after four weeks without, maybe just pick yourself up and keep trying to go without. Baby steps.

*Hugs Helen* I bet no one thinks you ruined the meet. I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling so bad. Do you know why you keep passing out? Have you seen a doctor?

*Hugs one step closer* Are you feeling unsafe? If you are, maybe it'd be a good idea to go to A&E or call a crisis line?

Oooh Hannah, trashy magazines and chocolate? My favourite! I love the real life story mags :P

HannahBanana - Hope you're enjoying your weekend leave. Are you glad to have a diagnosis? I always welcomed diagnoses, because even though it may not be what you want to hear, it means they know how to help you.

*Hugs Dayna* Those ****ing people arranging your appointment. I can't believe they're doing this to you when it was said you were to be seen urgently! And don't worry about the rumours, people that bitch like that aren't worth bothering with.


I will be drinking tonight. Not starting till late though, about 10:30 as my dad is still in Brighton and is the one supplying the booze. Will probably watch stuff on Surfthechannel :)
I've actually been okay spending the day on my own in the house. Usually I get all freaked out and stuff about the spies breaking in when I'm alone, but today I've only been a little scared. Every now and then I'm sure I hear someone upstairs, but then I remind myself I've got psychosis and it's probably not real - Doesn't mean I'm not on my guard though!
See how far I've come :) I think I'm almost ready to come off the APs!

Damnation. 06-06-2009 09:14 PM

Glad you're doing so well, Arwen! <3

And ugh, I know *hugs back*. They piss me right off x_o

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 09:20 PM

Dayna - you never know, it could be the one time last min things work out? I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you, it gives me something to keep me occupied! lol. As for documentaries, its stuff about d-day on bbc4, cos of being the 65th anniversary. So I expect at some time they'll be repeated but I wanted to learn a bit about it, as my partner is currently in normandy after being involved in the reinactment paratrooper drop and memorial services. He's due home tomorrow and I wanted to understand a bit of what he's been involved in as I know he was honoured to be doing this.

Wow Arwen, thats great progress, just be careful with your drinking please. And yeah, baby steps...well like a chunky toddler, wobbling all over the place with the occassional fall down but determined to get back up and improve.

I do think that it is going to be medication and bedtime soon though, despite my best efforts.

*goes outside to smoking shelter*

CrazyHayley 06-06-2009 09:31 PM

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as not to stink of fags*

RightyO, I'm medicated now, only the amount I'm meant to :) So its time for me to find a comfy spot in the corner to snuggle down for the night with my teddy bear.

*hugs all goodnight or goodmorning to all the people who will be waking up on me nodding off*

zowie 06-06-2009 09:34 PM

Night Hayley :) xx

rusynchick 06-06-2009 10:17 PM

*hugs* to everyone here, hope everyone is doing alright.
Damnation- I know what it's like to have people mess with your appointments. Try to hang in there. *hugs*

I feel kinda ok today, I cleaned a bit and read an online comic. Now if I could just stop panicking all would be well. :(

~Kaytee~ 07-06-2009 05:11 AM

Sorry, sorry guys. I said I'd be back.
At the moment in a bad place :/
So I'm just lurking at the moment.
Don't worry about me though :D
Just part of the cycles ;)

[Fog] 07-06-2009 12:11 PM

Hey guys, hope everyone has a good day today.

Dayna - really sorry to hear about everything that's going on for you. It's so frustrating when they mess around with your appointments, but at least it's not too long until you have it. And I'm really sorry to hear about everything in your house, I can really relate to that. My student house this year (I've moved out and am back at my parents') was an absolute nightmare. They were all so lazy and didn't understand what a hard time I was having, plus one of them hated me and was really nasty. Just try and ignore them. Is there anywhere else you can stay? Being around unsupportive people won't help :-)

Haven't got time to reply to everyone but I hope that everyone has a better day today.

I woke up this morning at 5.15am fully clothed and very confused. Went out for a smoke and listened to the birds singing which was nice. So far feel ok, feel a bit panicky and scared about having to eat later but I'm alright at the moment. Missing the ward but it's nice being home.

Hugs and cuddles to everyone xxx

shadowedseraph 07-06-2009 12:24 PM

Hey all, Morning, Afternoon, Evening whichever it happens to be at your point in the world! I'm checking myself in... I'm eight months SH free and am struggling to stay that way

MammaMia 07-06-2009 12:31 PM


Originally Posted by CrazyHayley (Post 1667088)
oh sweetie, I'm sure you didn't ruin the meet on purpose. Do you know what makes you collapse? I suffer with the occassional blackout due to NCS and its horrid and rather embarrassing depending on where and when it happens. Hope you were safe and looked after. *Special huggles and snuggles for you Helen!*

I didn't on purpose no, they keep telling me I didn't and I keep apologisng and they keep telling me I don't need to. But I can't shake the feeling off. I don't know what makes me collapse, lately it's been my flashbacks but this wasn't a result of that. Fortnately most of the time it happens, it's at home. *special huggles and snuggles in return*


Originally Posted by one_step_closer (Post 1667093)
I really want to die. :crying:

Oh sweetie, do you want to talk about it? *offers special snuggles*

[quote=wildly insane;1667123]*cuddles Helen* don't be hard on yourself hun, have a little r&r[//quote]*cuddles Hannah* Thank you


Originally Posted by zowie (Post 1667400)
*Hugs Helen* I bet no one thinks you ruined the meet. I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling so bad. Do you know why you keep passing out? Have you seen a doctor?

*Hugs Dayna* Those ****ing people arranging your appointment. I can't believe they're doing this to you when it was said you were to be seen urgently! And don't worry about the rumours, people that bitch like that aren't worth bothering with.

*hugs Arwen* Thank you honey. No I haven't seen a doctor, am sick of seeing doctors lol, and not to feel you're being taken 100% seriously. I also left the post in about Dayna because I agree :D Oh and you have come very far :D

*leaves cuddles for everyone*

Still really low. My anxiety is sky high, nothing is relieving it. Worthless piece of **** that I am. Everyone's better off without me. >.<

zowie 07-06-2009 01:02 PM

Off to the pub in half an hour, I really shouldn't seeing as it's my last pennies.

CrazyHayley 07-06-2009 01:50 PM

*huggles & snuggles all in ward*

Well I'm trying to be positive today....I've emailed people and actually phoned a freind for a chat. The most sociable I've been in months.....truth is, I just feel like a fraud, a liar, I didn't tell any of them about my latest slip up and how hard I'm finding therapy 'cos its bringing things to the surface. No one wants to listen to me whine on....so I should probably shut up in here to.

*goes looking for the 'fake' positivity again*

CrazyHayley 07-06-2009 02:27 PM

*goes out to smoking shelter* - perhaps I'll find positivity again out there? I'll bring it back in for you all if I do. I wish I could make everyones pain dissapear. I get sad when others are....

[Fog] 07-06-2009 02:55 PM

CrazyHayley I know the feeling of pretending, there are very few people who know what is going on with me, most people just think I've been ill and know absolutely nothing more than that. But it's completely your choice who you tell and who you don't tell. Well done for emailing and making a phone call, that's really great! You can tell us how you're feeling here though sweetie. I know I for one can definitely relate :-) *Big hugs*

Shadowed Seraph wow 8 months is amazing! Congratulations :-D Try and hold on to the progress you have made. If you are feeling triggered remember we are all here for you to talk to. And remember even if you do slip up it's just that - a slip up. That doesn't ruin any of the progress you have made. I'm very impressed :-)

Helen I'm not sure what's been going on for you lately as I haven't been around but I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been great. *Safe snuggles*

I threw up lunch today and I feel so drained. Trying my best to be all happy and stuff for my brothers but to be honest I just want to curl up under my quilt and hide away for a while. *Shuffles off to the smoking shelter*


Strawberry.Bananas 07-06-2009 05:31 PM

I need to get away guys. I need out of here but I have nowhere to go. When she gets angry to this day it still terrifies me. The memories keep coming back and I need a break...I need to pull myself together again but there's nowhere I can go. I'm wondering why I don't just take the entire box of pain killers I have for my back. That would give me a break...

zowie 07-06-2009 06:07 PM

Urgh. I'm really spaced out. My sister's here and I'm trying to be normal.

youonlyliveonce 07-06-2009 07:03 PM

zowie can u talk 2 ya sis she might be able to help.

really struggling they are just sitting there waiting for me to take them. it wud make things so much easier. things are moving so fast and i cant cope argh

zowie 07-06-2009 09:05 PM

My sister gets uncomfortable about my mental health. The spaceyness has passed now, so I'm okay.
Wanted to have a drink with her but my dad's decided not to lend me any money and shout at me for asking.
Then my littlest sister hid my baccy tin, so now I'm in a foul mood.

~*forever_broken*~ 07-06-2009 10:35 PM

Would like to just sit in a corner for a bit please. I know I've been away for ages...

*grabs her blanket, pillow, and stuffed lamb and searches for a spare corner*

wildly insane 08-06-2009 12:44 AM

wow so many posts sends hugs all round

*hugs ForeverChanged* welcome to the room with unlimited corners, feel free to rant or cry or talk if it'll help

*hugs Arwen* sorry to hear that your sister doesn't understand, I hate counting pennies too.

*hugs Cheryl* keep fighting hun, I know it's hard to find the positivity and to feel like you're lying to everybody, but there is positivity there, there is still hope and you are still fighting

*hugs Katie* hope it passes soon, it may be part of the cycle but you deserve to be happy

*hugs Rusynchick* glad you're feeling slightly better, hope it stays that way and you stop panicking

*hugs Todlich* that sucks hun, they're not worth it, really they aren't

*cuddles Vicki gently* sounds like you need some "Vicki time" sorry to hear you want to get away, it's tough if you have nowhere to go

*hugs HannahBanana* I guess your leave has finished? I hope the weekend was okay, I love listening to the birds singing, hop eyou get discharged

*hugs Hayley* you are being positive hun, you're still fighting and there's still hope, but I know what you mean about it being so hard and the lying.

*hugs Shadowedseraph* yay for 8 months, we're here to help you fight but HannahBanana's right about the slip up thing I just hope you don't.

*hugs Helen* you are not worthless and nobody is better off without you and we will keep telling you that till the cows come home cos it's true whether you believe it or not.

*hugs to those hiding under blankets or in corners, leaves strawberries and cream*

Well I'm still fighting too i want to cut, but I am still resisting, how long for I don't know, 6 weeks on tuesday

zowie 08-06-2009 11:28 AM

I need something to do today. I need to keep myself busy.

~Kaytee~ 08-06-2009 12:11 PM

Thanks Hannah *hugs* well done on resisting and congrats on 6 weeks *cuddles* take care ok

zowie, hope you can find something to keep yourself busy *hugs*

MammaMia 08-06-2009 12:52 PM

Allllllllllllllllllllllllllllly *jumps on*

Hannah, thank you sweetheart, you'll be there a long time. Because I still don't believe you, although me & you know who ;) are trying to stop putting ourselves down :) Congratulations on 6 weeks, I know you can keep fighting xx

Arwen, hope you find something to do chicken :)

Katiiiiiiiiiiiie, I loves you ;)

[Fog] 08-06-2009 04:19 PM

Good morning/ afternoon/ evening everyone

Good news... I've been discharged!! Went in to the ward this morning, saw my psych with my dad, waited 45 mins for my meds, said my goodbyes to everyone which was really sad but I'm freeee!!

This afternoon I went to the supermarket and got a load of low cal food which I'm really pleased about. Turned my music up really loud cos I was getting a bit panicky and anxious but I made it, phew.

Tonight I'm going to a choir thing with dad and my brother and I'm nervous about it, new people and everything, and I don't want to be too happy because then She will punish me. And I'm worried about dinner. And I've got this horrible niggling anxious feeling but I'm trying to stay distracted.

Big hugs to everyone, I hope you all have a good day today *Hands out soft teddy bears to all who want one* xxx

shadowedseraph 08-06-2009 04:44 PM

*takes a teddy bear and hands out hugs to all on the ward* Well i havent slipped up yet, so feel quite proud of myself! i rang the CMHT to try and talk to my psyche, they said she'd ring me but she hasnt which makes me feel even more worthless than i did this morning *sighs and snuggles teddy* Hows every one else today?

zowie 08-06-2009 05:40 PM

Ta Katie and Helen. Didn't find anything to do, just slept through most of the day actually which was pretty lame.

Yay HannahBanana! Good luck with the choir thing tonight. Have you changed meds or anything? I know you're starting CBT, do you know when?

*Hugs Shadowed back* I'm proud of you too! Well done for not slipping up! I hate it when professionals don't call you back or see you when they're meant to - It really does make you feel like you're not worth their time. But trust me, you are :)


My littlest sister only got home from school an hour ago and she's been such a cow. She said some really hurtful things and then said I was lying when I told our dad what an arse she is. I know it's lame to 'tell on people', but she's never going to learn how to be a decent person unless she's punished for being a cow. And I'm not the person to punish her, our dad is. Not that he ever does.

So now I'm feeling pretty crap. She pissed me off so much that the voices got worse and told me that all the horrible things she said about me are true :(

wildly insane 08-06-2009 05:54 PM

*hugs Arwen* not true, them things she said, not true

*hugs shadowedseraph* yay for resisting, you are not worthless, they are for not getting back to you

Yay for HannahBanana *hugs* good luck at the choir thing and don't panic about dinner, sometimes it's so much worse thinking about it before hand than the actuall event.

*hugs Helen* yep be positive, you are not worthless, and we are not better off without you, have I by any chance said that before ;)

*cuddles Katie back* thanks

struggling, really, I feel sick I'm struggling so hard, I want to cry, but my eyes are dry, the pain inside has no way of escape, I resist, I'm scared.

zowie 08-06-2009 07:08 PM

*Hugs Hannah* Thanks sweets. Sorry to hear you're struggling, do you want to talk about it? x

rusynchick 08-06-2009 08:46 PM

I'm having a really bad day today. I can't seem to function right and it's raining and disgusting outside (which makes me sad). I dunno, I just feel like I can't do anything at all today. I havent moved from the couch since I got up, I havent even eaten yet. I'm a mess and I know it. *sigh* I guess the only upside of this is the fact that I don't have the energy to si. So, yeah..just a bad day.

shadowedseraph 08-06-2009 09:14 PM

*hugs Arwen and Hannah* thanks for listening guys, i know im not worthless, but i feel that way. *cuddles teddy* Oh well another day nearly over i kinda wish i was on the ward for real, at least then i wouldnt have to look my mother in the eye and tell her that yes i am feelig better today, shes so desperate for me to be well i try hard not to dissapoint her :(

realflifefaerie 08-06-2009 09:30 PM

Im really sorry I cant support atm.
Im so sorry.
*leaves hugs*

shadowedseraph 08-06-2009 09:36 PM

*hugs Secrets* you dont have to support all the time, sometimes we need support instead, are you ok?

youonlyliveonce 08-06-2009 09:50 PM

hugs secrets nething we can help with

sits under table with scented tissue n blanket to mak it stop

~*forever_broken*~ 09-06-2009 01:20 AM

Thanks Wildly :) I'm actually an 'old hat' I think is the phrase, when it comes to the psych ward, just been gone a while :D

*falls over laughing* Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllen!! lol good to see you sweetie.

*shrug* I'm just being silly about a doctors appt I've got next Monday... and since I was already feeling rather 'out of sorts'...

*heads to the kitchen and returns with a tea tray with coffee, tea, cocoa, bisquits, cake, cookies and all that other good stuff*
Love that the 'food' here doesn't contain calories ;)

wildly insane 09-06-2009 08:02 AM

*hugs Secrets* don't worry hun, you look after yourself okay and we're here if you want us!!!!

*cuddles Arwen back* thanks, nothing and everything I guess *sheepish grin* am feeling an ickle ickle bit better today though so let's see if I can nurse the positivity :P How are you?

*hugs Rusynchick* I hope today is better :)

*hugs Cheryl**hugs Shadowedseraph**hugs Forever_Lost*

Okay let's see if I can't get through this day and make six weeks. ugh. :P

gives Puppy SinClair a cuddle and hugs everybody hanging around today

shadowedseraph 09-06-2009 11:04 AM

*hugs everyone that wants them and grabs a calorie free biscuit* i'm not good today, but still haven't harmed *hugs cuddly toy* i keep repeating to myself, one more day, one more day.

[Fog] 09-06-2009 12:05 PM

*Hugs to everyone and extra teddy bears*

Yay for the calorie free biscuits and food! I love not having idiot nurses and doctors making me feel worse on this ward hehe!

Hope everyone is doing ok. Keep battling on, it's so hard but all we can do is keep trying. And keep hoping :-)

Another quiet and boring day for me today. Went to a choir thing last night and there were loads of people there and some guy filming and I got so anxious it took me so long to calm down. But I'm ok this morning, going to the library later and that's pretty much all I have planned for my day... Woop...

Thinking of you all, hugs and cuddles to all who want them xxx

MammaMia 09-06-2009 12:14 PM

*hugs you all*

Good to see you too Ally, I've missed you so effing much

Hannah(Banna), I forgot to say welcome back & glad you're back :)

Hannah, you missed me out tehehe, you can get to 6 weeks darling, massive cuddles if you want them :D

*offers cuddles nd cookies to all*

Someone didn't attend her last exam for the year, haha no more assignments & exams WOOP, but I've barely done any anyway, just trying to see if they can let me change courses after all, doubt it though due to not meeting the requiremets, if they don't let me, I'll have to re-do the whole first year of the course I've been doing which if I don't pass, I will LEAVE university. Maybe I should just die this summer, so much easier (Y)

shadowedseraph 09-06-2009 12:21 PM

*hugs MammaMia and takes a cookie* i hope they let you change courses. Uni is hard especially when your feeling rough!

realflifefaerie 09-06-2009 12:27 PM

wow, this is really busy atm. Thanks for all the hugs guys.

*hugs shadowedseraph* Im not sure how I am right now but thanks. Keep repeating that one more day and have some birthday cake.

*hugs cheryl* thanks, I may come hide with you. IS there anything we can help with.

*hugs foreverlost* Im pretty sure you're familiar from ages ago. Maybe I imagined it.

*hugs banana* quiet days are good.

*hugs helen* Im sure you shall sort something out, try not to worry about it and enjoy being free!

Things are bad and all in reverse, right now I want to hide although I can't as Im expected to be happy and stuff. I can't help being angry at my grandmother shes almost destroyed one life and wrecked a marriage and now shes destroying another. Makes me so mad.

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