I can vouch for the hurting like hell bit. Not that I fell in love with any of my teachers. Well I've had crushes, think most people do, but some fall harder than that I know and it uscks :(

*cuddles everyone*

Lia, I think it was you that asked how I was? I'm relatively okay, itchy, ha! How you doing? Thank you for your PMs last night x

Wish it was tomorrow, but alas its not until 21st October, so I'm panicing already :( hope you are all okay *massive cuddles*

What's 21st October Sarah? *cuddles tight*

Ward's moving fast again tonight, don't think we've moved this fast in a while?? Or maybe it's just because I'm not around in the ward so much these days aha.

*huggles all*

Just realised that it's our milestone day Helen & April again today (25 Sept)!!
*big hugs to all*

Feeling extremely tired as I got up at 4am.

Consultation with a surgeon :(

I may hate my gallbladder but I want to keep it :p

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Sarah*

*Hugs Jill*

Hey all who have joined since I went to make tea.

That does sound sweet Nicole. My English teacher was lovely like that. When I told her I was being bullied, she goes 'I'm going to sort this out, I'm not having you being bullied.' I was like 'Aww, bless you'. I miss her. I'm trying to shut that out thought just as I shut out everything else.

I want to say something, but I really don't know if I can.

it was sweet. and we had a copy of our work that we did in a group, and everyone needed a copy so she said we all had to copy it out, then she said to the class 'and im gonna give the original copy to nicole cause im being nice to her today' so i didnt have to do any work lol.
lia-what do you want to say sweetie, you can say it to us.

Sorry you woke up so early. Yay for 25th in Aussie :D Will be the 25th here in less than 4 hours.

Ah I see *cuddles* Hopefully it'll go well.

Should do, I mean I'm being irrational, it needs doing so I can eat again properly, but still, the thought of things poking around inside me terrifies me. :(

*hugs all* sorry for my lack of individuals, I just feel terrible and my memory is horrific right now

I don't know if it's time or if I will regret it only if I keep it in much longer, I will bottle it. And now I feel I'm being utterly stupid.

lia-we cant force you into telling us, but i'm sure you will feel a lot better when you have, and you shouldnt bottle things up, its not good for you. but you're not being stupid hun.

Wow, the ward IS moving quite quickly at the moment, hasn't been like this for awhile - you're right, Hels. :)

Oh & Kahlia & Hels - I've been counting weeks and it was 12 weeks for me on Wednesday so now I'm confused... lol... because I know that we were synced up at some point, so how could it go wrong? I've been going by counting weeks with each Wednesday... ahhh, brain totally NOT WORKING. :( But congrats to you anyway!!! XD *cuddles*

Sarah, I'm sure the surgery won't be that bad, and you'll feel tons better after it's done (well, not immediately after, but you know what I mean :P)... but that being said, I don't blame you for being panicky. *cuddles*

Sorry not more individuals, Jarrod ought to be home shortly... :)

*glomps Sarah, Lia, Hels, and Mark, as I spy you all!!* :D

Er okay this half an hour should be interesting. Erm

*cuddles tight* What terrifies you about it? Feel free to PM if you want it to be kept private x

You know you can tell us, but we won't push or force you. Be kind to yourself, especially if you feel able to tell. Do you know what's stopping you?

*agrees*

Well...I think me & Kahlia count by months so like everytime it's the 25th in Australia/England we are another month free?? Every time I've give up, I've counted the first four weeks, then one month, two, etc!!! Does that make sense???

What do you mean?

*Draws deep breath.* While I am utterly disconnected from my emotions I will get this over with.

I don't even know how to start as there's nothing really to tell. I'm just scared there might be. Right, well I guess here goes.

Damn, I'm sorry I can't figure out how to hide this so I'll just warn you now this contains SA.

I'm worried I have repressed memories of sexual assult. There, said it now. Might as well finish.

I have reasons for thinking this...I think the best way of going about it is making a list, but that just seems stupid. Oh I don't even know and I'm meant to be good with words. This is stupid anyway. I'm stupid. I just don't know how to do this. There are no rules and this isn't one of my fictions. It is very, very real.

I hate physical contact. But not all. I just don't like intimate physical contact, including hugs (although cyber hugs are fine). I have a friend who wants to 'cure' me of this and keeps putting her arm around my waist and I just want to shove her off me each time. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weird.

I also dislike men. They make me feel uncomfortable too, although the ones in my theatre class are growing on me. Girls are my preferred company.

I know there's more, but I can't even think now.

Oh yes. My other fear is public toilets. Not as in 'argh! It's a toilet!' But I hate being in them alone. I get all paranoid and it freaks me out.

I'm also just a generally jumpy and fidgety person. I can't sit still and jump every time my phone goes off or the toast pops out of the toaster. I get moods where being around people is just awful and I develop a random fear of everyone around me.

There's also the 'badness'. The worthlessness I feel, so deeply that I want to kill myself sometimes just because it's the only way to be away from me. I feel dirty, disgusting. I hate myself so much, I can't even put it into words. I don't even know why, there's just a badness somewhere there.

What started this off is an episode of EastEnders of all things. For those of you who aren't in the UK, it's a soap opera. Basically, there was this SA storyline, and I was like 'oh that's pleasant' but I watched it anyway and just totally freaked. I was shaking afterwards and panicking and I had no idea what was wrong with me. It was weird, but since then, this is all I've thought about.

I also seem to 'know' the topic more than I should. If the topic comes up (which is a surprising amount), I can say things and people will just be like 'how the hell would you know that?' I know what it feels like and I shouldn't. ANd that's when I try to restrict what I say so people don't give me odd looks.

But I'm being dumb and I doubt anyone will bother to read this and I am so so sorry because I know there are people that really have been through it and then there's me who can't even remember and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone and you have every right to call me any name you want. Throw me off the ward, call me the pathetic, dirty cow that I am. I'm so sorry.

*cuddles Helen* I'm just scared of the pain afterwards, I'm such a wuss :( though I wish I could eat without feeling sick. Also I know mum will make my recovery awkward, she's been mean to the dog after his surgery. I worry too much.

*hugs Lia* We'll never throw you off the ward for something like that, we're all here for you. Wish I could do more to help you :(

*hugs lia* sweetie, we arent gonna throw you off the ward, call you nasty names or do anything nasty towards you, well, i know i'm not, and i'm sure noone else will. you're not being stupid at all, a lot of people block out memories of SA because it's just so much easier for them. and even if nothing happend, that doesnt mean these feelings arent valid, everyone deserves to feel safe, and if you dont then you need to do something, is there anyone you can tell about these feelings? well done for telling us though hun. x

*Hugs Lia* You're NOT Dirty or pathetic , we wouldn't want you to leave the ward . I'm sorry you feel so freaked out , I think I would be freaked out too in your shoes *Extra hugs*

*Hugs the ward* , I'm gonna log off for the night , I will be at my parents until Sunday so sorry in advance if I can't keep up in the ward .