How are you doing Ally?

I hope everyone is keeping safe :) xxx

Drinking some gross liquor and planning on cutting...
Please stay safe Carole

Ally, I would be telling you to stop these plans but it would be hyppocritical (sp?) Please be careful my lovely xxx

Oh dear God, I've done it. Not enough though as I still feel the need to be cleansed and punished. Oh dear God, I am a **** up

Carole hun, what did you do? *hugs* Sweetie, please be careful. And you're not a f**k up...

I, on the other hand can't even manage to get drunk... I feel so lousy I don't even have the motivation to get drunk for crying out loud!!! Did manage to cut... My wrist hurts... I did manage to not cut the vein(I can see it though)... It wasn't enough.

Not a **** up Carole hun, just be careful ok?

Ally how are you doing now?

*hugs everyone who needs them*

I want to cut, see the flesh split wide open but I am so tired. Equally I know if I cut tonight I will end up in a+e for stitches tomorrow and I am not sure I have the energy to sort it. Already emailed in sick tomorrow. Guess I know what will happen.

*hugs Ally and Emma*

I am glad you have not cut your vein Ally. You are such a sweetheart and we would all hate to lose you. Please stay safe.

Emma, I am sorry that you feel (to a certain extent) that the events of tonight are already determined. Try and keep yourself distracted.

Emma nothing is a certainty
nothing is set in stone
just because you can see it doesnt mean it has to happen
i fight with that all the time, i see it in my head, what i want to do, and i feel like it has to happen
but it doesnt
it really doesnt
you can stop it and it is up to YOU not the pictures and the urges
be safe please

*hugs for all*

*hugs Emma*
Sweetie just because you've emailed in sick doesn't mean you have to cut... And if you do it doesn't have to be so bad that you need to go to A&E. Pleas be careful hun.

Same for you Carole... To quote the commercials 'Please drink responsibly' ;-)

*sigh* I wish I could cry... And my wrist hurts. And I still want to bleed... He's not going to lock me up just because I cut my wrist is he? I stopped before I 'finished' after all...

Carole you dont need to be punnished you arent bad
please see how good and nice and kind you are
just because bad things happen to you, or even just because maybe once in a while you do a bad thing, you are not a bad person
NOBODY is perfect and we all do bad things once in a while but it doesnt make us bad
in general i think if you are good enough to be concerned about being bad or be worried about being bad, you arent bad
you are very very good

Alexx and Chloe i hope you guys are okay i think you have been having a bit of a time of it lately and i hope you are good

Liz and Kit and hiceskater and Roby and Jeremy *hugs for you you all rock*

Alyssa honey you dont get locked up just for SIing
if you did, the wards would all be really really overfull and none of us would be free right now!!!
lol
you do get locked up however sometimes if you have made a real direct attempt, it's all about intention
nothing good comes of that
and none of us really want that anyway
that is why we are on here supporting one another and reaching out because we are fighting back against this horrible thing and we are strong and we want to beat it
so please be brave and keep fighting and have a good next appt but please be honest and tell him all about what you have done so he can help you and so you can get better and def never have to be locked up!

Ally, I don't think he will. I'mpretty sure he wont. But Ican't make any promises.

How are you though, Callie?
You haven't given us an update on yourself :-P

Did you know that according to the adverts and the experts, us females can't have more than one can of cider in one night?

yes i know
argh but thank you for asking, Carole dear
i love you and want to throw a lovely chocolate cake at you all at once
haha
*gives you cake instead*
oooh cake i so have the munchies right now can you tell? haha
yeahhhhh i'm okaaaay'
except not
to be perfectly honest i'm a bit out of it atm took too many pills ooopsies
and kind of didnt stay completely 100% safe earlier
my bad

i really really really am not totally comfortable with this whole therapy thing and i feel like my life is completely out of control and i am just messing up my whole career and/or grad school thing and just like floundering around because i feel completely crazy
and i dont even care anymore i just want to be thin and throw up all the time and cut and burn myself
to be totally honest that is all i care about
that and my hair
i really need to get my hair done i just went brunette but i think i either need to go back to being blonde or maybe go more brunette and get lowlights? but maybe i just need to face facts that i am a natural blonde and let go of the fantasy of having beautiful dark lovely hair

wow i took way too many of those pills i just sat here for like two minutes not moving and just imagining dark hair

HEY you didnt update on yourself either!!!!!!!
*considers smearing frosting on your nose*
i cant believe it took me so long to realise that

maybe i should actually upload all of my recent pics from my camera and look at my blonde pictures from the last few years and compare them to my brunette pictures from this spring and do an analysis or something....

there is something wrong with me isnt there my priorities are completely skewed

OH. MY. GOSH.
it's 10pm?
it was just 9:30
where did that half hour go? it was a whole30 minutes and i lost it

Yeah, they always ask if I drink when I go into the health center and when I do they ask if I ever have more than four drinks at a time... Uh, yeah, like, most of the time:eyeroll:

Callie, hun, how goes it?

And Carole, how's the boozing coming? What is it you did hun?

Emma, you alright there?

I am grateful that you refrained from throwing the cake at me as it is yummy :D

Did you take enough to do some serious damage? I don't want you to be damaged, dear Callie *squishes*
Ah you should set up a thread and poll with pics to see whether people reckon you should go darker/lighter/stay the same!!! Funess alert! lol

I didn't? Well, not much to report really. Harmed a bit more (...ok, quite a bit more) but nothing that will need stitching - not that I would know how deep something would have to be for stitches to be needed. And of course I have drunk a bit more. No way am I going to uni tomorrow...

nothing wrong with you Callie hun, you are just struggling a bit. When we are unsure about bigger things it is natural to focus on smaller more normal things like hair colour etc. please stay safe xx

Ally he wont lock you up for SI, only if you are a danger to your own life, and even then it would only be if you couldn't reason sort of thing.

?*hugs carole* be careful hun x

------------

I have cut top side of wrist but reckon will only need steristripping. Should probably be pleased that I prob don't need a+e but instead I am upset that i cant even SI as I want to.

Last term:

Need to open it....properly....need to see bone. was progressing so well and then five weeks without much practice and lose it all. Have new focus and aim for this term. Must get better, must be good at it.

WTF WTF WTF
i have no hot water
we have no hot water
and my mother and brother are in peru
i dont know what to do
where are the numbers for the people who run things that you call when the pipes are broken? i am going to have to take a cold shower i dont want to take a cold shower it'll be really cold and unpleasant :( :'(
i dont know who i am supposed to call or what to do
how am i going to do laundry?
this is so confusing and overwhelming
maybe if i go to bed when i wake up the thing that is broken will have fixed itself
maybe its temporary
i think i am going to go to bed
i dont know why i wrote this here hahaha