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Kahlia1981 24-03-2010 10:31 PM

April - Just thought I'd share this. The hospital here tried to put me on Clonazepam instead of Xanax (alprazolam), but in our system it's only available under the PBS (subsidy scheme) for palliative care patients!

*hugs everyone tightly*

I had a bad night last night. Really strong su urges. Seriously not coping overly well. I'm going to see my GP today about getting a) a cortisone injection into my shoulder or (if he won't accept it) b) some decent NSAID pain killers. Also having a massive problem with constipation due to the high levels of codeine I've been taking ... it's driving me insane.

*sigh* I guess the only thing I can say is: we shall see what we shall see, when we shall see it.

Sorry for the lack of individual replies, I have been reading and you are all in my thoughts, though.

*hugs everyone then tries to nip into a dark corner to catch a little bit of extra sleep before the courtesy bus from the doctors surgery drops around*

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 10:56 PM

*huggles Kahlia*
Keep you in thoughts :)

Kahlia1981 24-03-2010 11:01 PM

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs everyone*

Just popped up again to say ... I have just reached my 19 months SI free!

*does a little happy dance*
*runs out of energy and sits down on the floor*

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 11:06 PM

Congrats! That's awesome!

MammaMia 24-03-2010 11:33 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Congratulations Kahlia x

PoisonedApple 24-03-2010 11:41 PM

How are you today Helen? :)

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 12:50 AM

*throws some confetti around for kahlia*

*cuddles april, mark, helen, and crimson*

*sigh* there has to be something better than this... right?

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:23 AM


Originally Posted by angelic_monster (Post 2202128)
How are you today Helen? :)

Struggling, worried, yet kinda ok? How are you?

Laura, big cuddles hun. Want to talk about it?

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:34 AM

*hugs helen*

I dont know... im just tired of waiting for things to look up and im tired of where i am at. I wish i was someone else. Which is probably the reason why i want to move somewhere far away for graduate school after next year. I want to just erase me and start over.

I doubt that would even work tho... i mean, its not like i could move and then all my problems would go away... and i really dont think u can erase anxiety issues... but it really feels like that is what i need to do. Go somewhere where nobody knows me.

Right now i just feel like at any moment, everything is going to just come bursting out of me... and i dont think itll be good if that happens. I'm scared of it.

I'm sorry, this is ranting and not making much sense probably.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:38 AM

It makes sense, just wish I could have some supportive words that'd help right now & I don't...*big squishy hugs*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:46 AM

its ok helen, dont worry about it.. i'll be fine, i always am... thanks for the hugs *cuddles*

hope you are alright.

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:50 AM

Don't believe you, hope you will be alright though *cuddles*

Far from ok, but I'm fine :D

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 01:54 AM

lol the whole fine but not fine thing... sounds like we have that in common right now... it sucks kinda.

Hang in there. *squishes*

MammaMia 25-03-2010 01:56 AM

Mmm. I kow what you mean,.

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 04:51 AM

*huggles everyone*

Thanks Crimson, Helen & Laura - I really feel like celebrating. We have a good friend coming over sometime this afternoon for a movie night and I'm tempted to suggest we either get a Black Forest cake (all three of us like them) or something like that. lol

*hugs Crimson* - How are you?

*hugs Hels* - What's happening hun? I noticed in your reply to Crimson that you said you were "Struggling, worried, yet kinda ok". Is there anything I/we can do to help?

*hugs Laura_Star* - Sorry for butting in, but anxiety doesn't tend to go away with a change of location. I can understand the feeling of just wanting to get away to a place where no-one knows you so you can re-invent yourself. .. Just checking, is that kind of what you meant? It's what I understood from what you wrote but I just want to double check that I didn't misread it. And that feeling that everything is going to burst out of you can kind of be a double-edged sword - like you are scared it is going to happen so you try and bottle everything up tightly, which makes it more likely to burst out. Sorry hun, I'm just trying to explain what I've learnt not put you down in any way, so please forgive me if it comes across that way. Please just be careful, and make sure to take good care of yourself. *hugs you tightly*

*hugs April, Mark, Hayley and everyone else* - How have things been going with all of you?

*hugs everyone, leaves a plate of Kit-Kats on the table and slips into a dark corner for a power nap*

SoMuchMore 25-03-2010 05:26 AM

*hugs kahlia* dont worry I dont think you are putting me down or anything. And yes, the whole reinventing myself is exactly what i mean (even though i know it probably wouldn't work...) And that is kinda what i meant about the whole bursting feeling. I am trying to hold things in... i always have. But I feel like I am having trouble holding them in right now. Which is super scary for me b/c then people would know all about me.. And idk, i dont want to be seen as weak or stupid... which maybe I am... but.. oh i dont know. I'm sorry for talking about all this.

And you should celebrate! 19 months is fantastic! Have fun!

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia1981 25-03-2010 05:31 AM

*hugs Laura_Star* - Sorry I'm stuck in that habit. Cool. I just wanted to make sure that I was reading and interpreting what I had read close to what I thought. I can really understand where you are coming from hun. It really does seem like an easy option sometimes - actually both the holding things in and the reinventing. It's okay to talk about it hun. This is a safe forum for just that reason, sometimes we have to talk about this sort of stuff. Thanks hun. I am totally celebrating today/tonight. :D

*huggles everyone*

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 10:08 AM

Hi everyone... wow, losts of posts since I've been out & about!! :P

*does a happy dance with Kahlia* Congratulations, love!! That's awesome. :D I would be so so happy if I were you, so do definitely celebrate and let us know how you enjoyed it. :) *hugs*

*cuddles LauraStar* Awh, yeh, I wish I could erase me and reinvent myself starting somewhere else too... but Kahlia - and you - are right, it doesn't work that way... *sigh* ...it would be so much nicer if it did, wouldn't it? What's been going on lately that causes you to want to reinvent yourself? anxiety been awful? *more cuddles*

*squishes Helen* The F.I.N.E. thing, I take it? :P what's up, love?

*cuddles Mark* Awh, I'm sorry that you gave in to the urges but at least you went to bed early and hopefully didn't get up to SI after that. :( But try not to feel bad, it's just slip ups... you can regain your footing... however, I do know how "slippery the slope is" ... so be careful. *squishes* I'm here if you need to talk. Anytime - and the same goes for the rest of you. :)

I'm exhausted. I just got up like 20 minutes ago (around 5:45am) but I really could use a nap right now... I have tutoring this morning then classes this afternoon... grrrr... don't want to do any of it!! But I did manage to get the extension on the exam so that's a relief... :) ...it was originally due today but when I told the prof about how bad my anxiety has been lately, he was very understanding and said to take as long as I needed to get it done. WHEW!!!!


I am getting closer and closer to the edge... :(

Doikers 25-03-2010 10:29 AM

*hugs Kahlia* 19 months is an awesome acheivment , Well done :-)

*Hugs for everyone else to* , sorry for lack of individual replies I just don't have the energy atm .

I have to leave the flat to get milk and then for a nurses appointment later which I am dreading , not dreading the appointment just the walking across town part to get to her, she listens and has good advice I am hopeing she will say something that will fix me although I know that it's not that simple and won't happen I can hope right?

April*Hugs to you* It goes both ways you know you can talk to me anytime too .
I am all too aware how slippery the slope I'm standing on is :(

I've had enough of THIS.........enough of feeling the need to harm ugh.......enough of being flat .

Scarletdreamer 25-03-2010 10:59 AM

I've had enough too, Mark... but I don't know how to stop it. I really, really want to SI right now... I'm home and won't be going anyplace for awhile, still in my jammies, but, oh, ARGHH!!!!!! :crying: I hate my life so much. Nothing ever seems to work out and right now... well, I need to put that in my r/v thread. Again. It helps sometimes... I don't know... I feel so pointless, worthless, useless, unloveable. :(

I feel like a slob. I haven't even done my hair yet today. :( Not even brushed it out from the braid I put it in at night. Not gotten dressed either - am in my pink flannel Eeyore pants that say "whatever" on them and a striped Aeropostale longsleeve shirt. And my feet are cold. I just want to go back to bed but I don't want to if our landlord will be coming back to finish up our ceiling...

:crying: Sorry, that was so disjointed & such a mess...

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