*cuddles april.* i havent been filling in my diary cards either, will have to do that before i go. wish i could just do group sessions and not individuals.

Oh Hi April! *Hugs*

Good luck to both of you with your therapy :)

I think it's ok to use LJ to do journaling homework April :)

*hugs april and mark* ok so my plan for the afternoon is-lunch, therapy, then get the bus to didcot and sunbathe and drink cider :D sounds like a good idea.

OOhh have fun at your friends Nicole :)

thanks mark, she just text me and said shes in her garden in her bikini, so unfair cause she probs wont be in it when i go over and she is HOT XD

Oooh Nicole, have fun and good luck in therapy!
April, I think it's personally fine to use LJ for homework. Good luck!
Mark! *Hugs* how are you doing today?

Soooo... It's 10 AM and I'm actually awake. I am amazed. But this is a good thing cause my therapy is at 10 on Thursday, and I was afraid I would never be able to wake up in time for it so this gives me a shred of hope.
Oh... and there is still pain radiating down my leg from my SI. This has gone from comforting to annoying. I don't want anything to touch it, but I have to hide it... my grandparents think I haven't SIed since December of 2008, and I really don't want to hurt them again...

*cuddles all* Sorry, no individuals again... :( Bad wardie is April.

I'm terrified to call about this job, even though it would just be to get more information. :( I suck.

*hides in a hole & cries*

Oh, and another reason why I feel like I suck - therapy was at 9:30 today and I totally thought it was 10:30am, so my therapist called me at 9:40am and was like, "Where are you?" .............. :( Stupid me. Yuck. I hate it when I make mistakes like that. :'(

Hi everyone

Hey Louise, how are you? *gentle hugs*

Met with my nurse this afternoon . Was REALLY full on .She is pushing me to "Get out there" and meet people which scares me a lot , she Insisted I ring Becky from the befriending people with severe mental health issues agency , , I was shaking when I rang her :S But I did it so yey me ! I guess . Then we disscusse WHY I am having alcohol craving so badly latley , what thoughts I'm having , the fact that I haven't acheived what people I know my age have acheived and I should've , My S.I. Scars , My weight ( Which I am getting increasingly upset about) and my meds , the sheer amount of them and being on them so long term .

I've had to take a Diaz , I'm so triggered by having to face all these thoughts , My mind is "High Pitched" if that makes sense ? Please someone tell me if that makes sense because it's the only way I can think of to descibe it.

She said I was ambivilent not Numb and we can work with that... :S

*Hugs Felicia* I'm sorry your leg hurts , is the wound okay?

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs April* We are human , we make mistakes , don't beat yourself up over it lil Sister :)

I could be better not had a great day

*hugs everyone*

*Hugs Louise*

*hugs Mark* i'm sorry things were not great for you today.

Cuddles everbody. Cheers April for the pm it helped alot, just to get out the thoughts that were running through my head. Thank you. And no sorry needed I know you have alot going on at the sec so no worries. Big bear hug.

Do you want to talk about it, Louise?

Hey Lindsay :) *Hugs* How are you this evening ?

Mark, love, all of what you said makes sense to me. :) And thanks for the reassurance, you're right, we all do make mistakes 'cause we are human & therefore aren't perfect. I just felt/feel really dumb for making that mistake. :( Oh well. I'm sorry that you're so triggered and numb/ambivalent... *gentle cuddles* Is there anything I/we can do to help you feel better?

Jill, glad that the PM helped some. *hugs* I totally understand what you mean about it helping to get the thoughts out there. :)

What's up, Louise, sweetie? *huggles* I'm here if you need to talk, PM inbox is always open. :) Or anyone else here would probably be glad to talk with you via PM as well, or you can just post on here, that's fine too. Or not post at all, up to you. :) You have choice. (That's something I learnt today in therapy... may seem simple but it is not something that feels like it's simple!!)

Lindsay, how are you doing? *hugs gently* Feeling any better than the other evening?

I rang up about the job but it sounded like I called a fax machine, not a phone number (?). So yeah. I tried twice and will try again in a bit, but that was really kind of a letdown after I got myself alllll keyed up. :( Oh well. :(

Sounds like Jarrod & I may be going to the county fair sometime this evening, which would be nice, I guess - get to see a lot of old friends from 4-H and current friends as well - like my bestie. :D I'm looking forward to it, although am a little scared for people to see how FAT I am now. :'(

Anyway. :-S

*extra cuddles to all*

Oh, & this is a VERY pretty song you all might enjoy... it's from the WoW soundtrack... but even if you're against WoW-the-game, give the song a listen. :)

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbO66QPIFlc&feature=related[/ame]

I love it, personally. XD And not just because it's from the game's soundtrack. It's so pretty, haunting and mournful, I don't know... just so very pretty.

Am exhausted. Wish I could take a nap but that would make my contacts dry out even more, and yes, I could take 'em out and then put them back in later, but I'm too lazy to even do that. >_<

:(

Oh, and I did text my NP. No response yet.

Nice song , Probably not in the mindset to appreciate it atm but thanks for sharing April :)

SO.... I cut , deep enough to leave an ugly scar , Another one , Not suprised it happened , all my emotions are up in the air after meeting my nurse , I took a Diaz earlier but it must have worn off , went for a walk , came back to my flat , there was no more putting it off :S Sorry ......

*hugs Mark* I'm sorry today was so rough. Take care of your wound, okay?

April, the song is really really hauntingly beautiful. I love it. :)

*hugs Louise* you wanna talk about it? My PM box is always open to anyone on here.

Lindsay, how are you?

I'm pretty much done with life, guys. I can't do this. My own mother hasn't talked to me in a week, then we she does call me, she gets mad that I have to move into uni on Sunday, and she's going to the state fair on Saturday. I told her I could go as long as I was back Saturday night to finish up packing. Then she got all pissed at me again and said that was okay, she has my stepsister who is so much better than me and who is everything she wanted me to be.
Then... my friend/ roommate for uni texted me and she is completely going off on me because I want a say in what our room looks like. Then she has the decency to ask how I'm doing with SI, and I tell her and her reply is: "Felicia, I am ****ing sick of this cutting obsession of yours. How ****ing hard is it to not carve yourself up like a turkey. It's ****ing dangerous."
Ummm... really? I didn't know that, I mean come on I'm only the person who's been in the hospital more than once for my SI. </sarcasm>
So... I cut again. Sorry. And I really really really want to burn too... Like, so badly.

*Hugs Felicia* People can be mean , I'm sorry you are having a tough time , I'm not so good at the advice , I hope you are looking after the wound well and please try not to burn :( Stay safe :)

I'm trying. I keep putting it off for 5 minutes... then 5 more... and I'm hoping the urge will pass once I calm down some.

Also Felicia , maybe she re-acted like that because she is genuinally concerned for you and doesn't understand S.I. all that well . She might really care .

I know she cares. I know that's why she reacted that way, but she's just done nothing today but bitch me out, and her text was not worded nicely. And it just pisses me off that she thinks she knows everything about it, when I'm the one who's lived it for 12 freakin' years.

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry you SI'd that badly, love... wish I could be there IRL to offer support, but just try to imagine lil sister hugs. :) Things will get better, I know that they will, you've just got to keep hanging in there. And anyway, I think that nearly anyone would've SI'd after such a deep and scary conversation with your nurse today. Well done for getting through it.

Oh Felicia, sweetie... *cuddles* So sorry that your mum is being so nasty. People really are mean, Mark is right... wish I could be there IRL for you as well. :( If it means anything at all, to me (and probably the other wardies too) you're sweet, kind, intelligent, and - yes - feisty. :D As you know, you're NOT the only one who's been in the hospital for SI, obviously... so yeah. That's really a mean message that you got from your roomie. Are you sure you want to share a room with her? couldn't you change and pay a little extra for a single or is that too much money/too dangerous for you? Just curious, sorry if it were a dense suggestion. :-S Oh, & glad you liked the song. :D

Ugh , People calling at my door for charity , put me on the spot , I feel guilty so say no when they ask if I was over 25 (I'm 29) and they just look at you like they KNOW you're lying , I just had that and now I feel bad for lying :( and what charity sends people round at 8.50 pm anyway? , I just ignored the door earlier when they came but they came back and I thought it might be my neighbour or someone at the door.

EDIT: That make's it sound like I'm a scrooge ,I'm not . I do donate to one charity and I live on income support and I can't afford to give money to every charity that asks .

Thanks April. I want to get a single, but I'm not allowed by my uni, cause in 2008 I had one, and went through a rough time, and attempted suicide, and was found by my RA cause I didn't respond when she knocked on my door for an emergency floor meeting.
So... I'm hoping my friend can just accept that it's a struggle and it's hard to stop, and I'm trying.
And I'm beginning to wonder how long it's gonna take me to calm down. I feel like exploding... gahhhhh...

Erm sorry thought I could write that and be okay with it, but I can't. It doesn't matter it's okay. Curls up and hides

I am sorry that things are hard for you. I hope your friend does accept that it is a struggle. We are here for you.

*hugs* We are here for you there is nothing to be sorry for.

Well , I'm going to head to bed :|
Night wardmates :)
Early ( for me ) morning tommorow.

Nicole I hope you had a good day sun-bathing and drinking cider :)

Night Mark, Take care.

Goodnight, Mark!

Good night Mark, hope tomorrow goes ok :)

Ah I didn't get worried about, fun times.

*cuddles everyone and curls up*

*cuddles Helen* How are you?

Happy that my internet is back up & working. Was out for over 24 hours :/ But otherwise....not so good. *cuddles Crimson*

*huggles everybody*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies but I'm thinking of all of you.

Got to try and ring the dreaded Centrelink (Social Security) shortly and tell them that I'm going to change from TAFE to Uni . . . they aren't going to like it but I can't go to a TAFE that still hasn't responded to my email asking for a marking criteria 10 weeks ago!!! I ended up submitting the assessment just over a week ago without one because otherwise I could have used up the entire time I was allocated for the subject waiting . . . Not to mention urgent enquiries from the co-ordinator don't get replies for at least three weeks. I can handle getting very simple assignments back in three weeks - but I hate to think how long this last assignment is going to take . . .

*cuddles Kahlia* Hope it's not too stressful for you.

Helen: Oh My Goodness!! 24+ hours without Internet?? How did you survive? I struggle to last an hour without the internet!! *huggles*

Helen: Thanks. Me too . . . Although I think it might be to be honest . . .

*nods* having the internet back is def good.
*offers plushie to help make not so good feeling better*
*cuddles all

*cuddles Crimson* - Sorry, didn't mean to ignore you there. Me bad. :-( How are you doing?

That was the easiest phone call to Centrelink I've ever had ...

That's alright Kahlia.
Glad your call wasn't too difficult.

Kahlia - I didn't survive very well without internet. I pretty cried for a good two hours and stuff. My best friend phoning me lots has really helped. It was even worse with various things and my brain thinking about suicide. Fun times :/ I was really low today, as was said best friend, but we got through it. Glad your call was easy.

Crimson - thank you.

(hugs for all)

Hels, when I saw your screenname as the last typed post, I was like, "Wait a minute, she hasn't been around for a bit." You were missed, so there... and it's really hard to keep up with what wardies are missing when, you know? Like I know Lia is gone to Canada for 3 weeks or so, but just randomly popping in & out wardies - they're hard to keep track of. Sorry if I'm making no sense, not in a good "head-space" right now. :( *cuddles*

My eye twitch is back. I texted my NP earlier today and asked her how long I'd be on Abilify, etc., but no response yet - and it's 7:30pm. I texted her around eleven-1pm-ish, can't remember exactly when & I'm too lazy to check right now. But I forgot to mention the eye twitch. Ugh. Probably should've... :-/ Seems like something she'd want to know about. And I did mention that my mood was low. Today is the first day I'm back on the full dosage of Tegretol. Ugh. I hate meds, hate having to take them, hate having to order them, just hate it all!!!

Sorry for the rant. :-S

*cuddles everyone else*

Oh & Crimson, how are you, love? Long time no see around the ward...

*hugs everyone*

helen - i was just thinking about you earlier b/c you hadn't posted. Was going to post about it tomorrow if you didn't pop up soon.

crimson - i've missed seeing you around too.

kahlia - glad that the phone call was easy

april - glad that you managed to text your NP, hope she gets back to you soon.

sorry.. i know those are crappy replies.. but its all i can do right now.

Laura, how are YOU doing, sweetie? You can PM me if you need/want to... I'm here. *cuddles* And thanks for doing replies... even little replies can be epic if you're struggling a ton.

Good job I did pop up then....:P

*cuddles you both*