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FlyingNy 02-08-2010 08:38 PM

Urgh. I have to spend three weeks in their company. I don't know how I'm going to last. I've just spent half an hour of a 'family meal' having every part of my appearance picked at. In the end I just suggested I get an enitre make-over so not to embarass my mum in front of all the Canadians. She wants to change just about everything. But she's right. I am fat. Fat and dirty. Always dirty.

Doikers 02-08-2010 08:48 PM

Oh Lia *Hugs* you're not dirty no matter how much you think that of yourself , you are a kind, intelligent person :)

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 08:55 PM

Lia, sweetie, I agree with Mark. You're not dirty & I doubt that you're fat. *gentle hugs*

*cuddles Crimson, Hels, Felicia, Mark, & Jess*
*cuddles everyone that hasn't posted yet on this page :P*

Sorry it's not more. My brain isn't functioning and I'm having an eye twitch that is driving me craaazy. >:( Have no idea what's causing it either and it's been happening off & on all day.

Last day with Tegretol, since I totally have run out of it and it's not come in the mail yet. Damn it. I have no idea how loopy I'mma be tomorrow night when I don't get my dosage... or how bad a headache I'm gonna have... :'(

Spent most of the day at my parents' house, which was nice... slept a lot though so hopefully won't have a problem falling asleep tonight. Read some, relaxed, drank a lot of tea (chamomile, Mark!! XD I love that stuff...), etc.

Just sent directions to our apartment to a friend who's coming over tomorrow. I have to do a bit more cleaning or else my conscience is going to rip me apart for introducing a new person to the clutter that is our apartment. :( I hate not being more motivated to clean clean clean... probably will be doing it last minute tomorrow morning. She's supposed to get here around 9:30am, so yeah. Guhhh. Feel so stupid!! for not getting on this sooner, or not forcing myself to stay home today and just get it done.

*sighs and hides in the warren to try and forget about the eye twitch (which is REALLY ****ING ANNOYING), the cleaning, and my parents*

Doikers 02-08-2010 09:00 PM

OOOh April I hope your meds come in the mail tomorrow *Crosses fingers* don't worry about your flat being a bit messy , mine is too , magazines lying strewn about Easter Cards still up lol . Mess is Normal ! don't fret over what your mother says about it , it's YOUR home after all .

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 09:32 PM

I hope my meds come tomorrow too. Dunno what I'm going to do without them.

Lol Mark, about the Easter cards. :P Yeh I suppose a bit of mess is normal, but I am so freaking used to an OCD/anal family when it comes to cleaning... I am totally the black sheep when it comes to that, sadly... I'd love to be tidy and neat and have everything in its right & proper place but I just can't. :(

Screw up, April's a screw up... and not just about cleaning. About relationships too. Stupid me. Frustrating Jarrod. Guhhh. >_<

*rocks in a corner*

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 09:33 PM

Thanks Mark and April, but it must be true. Why would they say it if it wasn't true? And they are right. I am dirty. And fat. They must have reason to say those things.

Know the feeling April, no matter how much you need to do something and know how much you will regret putting it off later, with the bug of the laziness nothing can make you. I'm exactly the same, try not to beat yourself up about it, it's just a part of who you are. Besides, it's no fun if there's no mad rush :)

How are you Mark?


MammaMia 02-08-2010 10:01 PM

*sneaks back in and curls up*

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:07 PM

I'm Numb Lia , I did S.I. once today but not too seriously , I've been numb 95% of the last month at least , *sigh* if I'm not numb I'm low , sometimes joy of joy I get both at the same time even though it thats not logical hmmmm. sorry I ranted.
I'm worried about you Lia a bit I don't think that you are giving yourself any credit for being such a caring person.

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:09 PM

*Hugs Helen*

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 10:27 PM

*cuddles Hels* How'd the meeting go, sweetie?

*hugs Lia* I agree with Mark (once again), love. You're not giving yourself the credit that you deserve, for being a kind, sweet, & caring person. But I suppose the same could be said for most if not all of us here. And to answer your question - "why would they say such things if they weren't true?" - because, as you've said so yourself, they're not very nice people. They don't "side" with you all the time... and bullies love picking other people apart, as it makes them feel bigger and stronger than they really are. When it's really WE who are stronger than they are. Anyway, sorry, ramble. :)

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry you've been numb that much lately. That really sucks. :( But maybe you will start feeling better soon? can always hope, at least, right? And that wasn't a rant, at least not one as bad as I can get into sometimes!! lol. >_< I'm also glad that the SI wasn't too bad today.

Just got off WoW. Am really anxious right now, mostly about tomorrow & the apartment not being clean & "what will my parents think" (when they won't even BE here tomorrow >_< stupid me) & worrying about Jarrod & all sorts of other ****. Ugh... :'(

*glomps Felicia* :D

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:42 PM

April , I HOPE that my Lithium blood results will come soon and that that particular drug can be increased , It'll be a week tomorow that the blood were taken so hopefully I'll hear about it soon .Prayers/ positive thoughts appreciated please. My AD's are already over the recommded doseage for being an AD hmmm. I slept , well semi-slept most of the afternoon and it's 10.40 pm here and I'm not even tired but I took a Diaz and am going to bed ,sleep well ward mates *Hugs April Goodnight*

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 10:43 PM

Ergh, why so dirty? I'm not the person you two think I am, I'm dirty and I don't even know why. It's inside of me and that shower really hurt. I'm red and even bleeding (sorry if that's triggering) yet still no cleaner. I don't know how to get rid of the dirt or hy it's even there.

Sorry you're feeling so anxious April. I wish there was something I could do. Try not to get yourself down too much, it's not your fault, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. *Hugs* What's wrong with Jarrod?

*Hugs Mark* I'm sorry you feel that way, but well done on managing to resist cutting too badly. I know how tiering feeling numb all the time can get, ut I think I prefer it. When I have my 'ice queen' mask on, I don't have to feel.


PoisonedApple 02-08-2010 10:52 PM


*hugs* everyone.

Not sure what to say :crying: .
Bout anything in particular?*hugs*
*hugs Mark goodnight* sleep well.

PoisonedApple 03-08-2010 12:51 AM


Come October, I am canceling the cell that she uses, and having it be just for you. Or me and you, but we are going to be on a much cheaper plan.
Also I won't be paying her car insurance, so let's hope she is on her own.
If she is still around with us she will pay 100-200 a month for food, and that is all. Unless she has her own room, in which case she will help with rent
D's beginning to see the light when it come to his mum. *small happy dance moment* *hopes october doesn't prove the statement false*

PoisonedApple 03-08-2010 01:16 AM

Sorry Luke only popped in briefly earlier... I dunno about the rights in your case so I'm of no help there, sorry. I'm glad they finally set an appt and that you have ADs even if it is a long way away or having side effects... *hugs*

FlyingNy 03-08-2010 03:10 AM

I'm off for three weeks now. I might visit in the morning, but in case I don't get a chance, keep yourselves safe. I really do love you guys and don't want to come back to find anyone's done something incredibly stupid. Yes, that is a threat. Mwahaha! Anyway, I think Canada should actually be fun, I'm with the fam but we're visiting more fam who are actually nice to me.

Talk to you all soon.

Stay safe.


misskitty112 03-08-2010 03:33 AM

Have fun, Lia!

*hugs everyone*

I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

Kahlia1981 03-08-2010 03:36 AM

*huggles everybody*

Am very very cold. It's probably only like 20C but I get cold easy.
Finished my assessment for TAFE and handed it in. Yay!
Organising myself, but things are moving so slowly . . .

*leaves hugs and safe love and care packages for all*

wolfos3d 03-08-2010 04:46 AM

I hate my math teacher now. :( She freaked when I said I couldn't do my test today, made me sit with it in front of me for almost an hour even though I couldn't answer a single question, and then got even more pissed off when I said I would do it next week instead of on Thursday. And before I left, she demanded that I bring her a photocopy of my medical certificates for days I've missed from now on so that she can staple them to my work.

This is the second teacher to do something like this to me in the last week. I now have to go speak to my year level coordinator about it. What I really need is less stress, not more stress. ARGH!

SoMuchMore 03-08-2010 04:46 AM

*hugs everyone* sry there have been like 9 pages since i was on here last so I don't want to miss anyone in individuals.

Congrats to everyone who had milestones recently though!

Hope everyone is alright.

FlyingNy 03-08-2010 07:15 AM

Awake even earlier than yesterday! I don't know what I'm doing up, there's no need to be until about 9.30.

Still, now that I'm here. Morning all.


misskitty112 03-08-2010 08:25 AM

3:30 AM
Can't sleep.

Doikers 03-08-2010 09:18 AM

*Hugs Lia* Have fun in Canada ! I hope you can enjoy it somewhat :)

*Hugs Felicia* *Hands over camomille tea to help you sleep*

*Hugs Laura*How are you ?

*Hugs Jessica* that seems unreasonable of your maths teacher:S

*Hugs Kahlia* Well done on completeing your assignment.

*Hugs Luke*I hope that your AD's work somewhat :)

FlyingNy 03-08-2010 09:51 AM

Thanks Mark. I hope it will give me time to clear my head. Lately, I seem to be very obsessed with being 'dirty' and I have no idea where it came from. It's kinda random, and I don't know why it's there, but I can't get rid of it.


MammaMia 03-08-2010 10:58 AM

Enjoy Canada Lia, not sure if you'll see this. Probably not.

*cuddles everyone else*

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 11:15 AM

*cuddles all who have posted in the last hours*

Sorry, no individuals right now... am feeling very overwhelmed, very exhausted, and very pent up, and I don't even know why!! I hate feeling this way. Want to crawl out of my skin, had nightmares all night, and my friend is coming over in a little over 3 hours and the apartment is still not clean enough. Need to do at least a few dishes but I hate doing dishes, ughhh. :( I know, I'm a lazy fat-arse slob but oh well.


MammaMia 03-08-2010 11:20 AM

*cuddles April lots* Hope you feel better soon sweetie :( Sorry I disappeared last night, I fell asleep and when I woke up, I came offline straightaway.

Doikers 03-08-2010 01:06 PM

April I hope you have FUN with your friend !!:)

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 01:18 PM

Thanks Hels, Mark. *cuddles* I'm sure I will have fun, she's a great person. :) I did manage to tidy up a bit more, so that's good... now all I want to do is either play WoW or play my cello, lol... I think I have everything set up for lunch... almost. :-/ Oh ugh, silly me, don't have vegetables... oh well. *sigh* And don't have much to offer to drink - Powerade Zero, or sugarfree water packets, or lower calorie orange juice + calcium & vitamin D, or milk. Well, I guess that's enough, haha... Oh dear, it's just been so freaking long since I've had guests here that I haven't known for my whole life (i.e., my bestie, who comes over a lot - kind of). ARGH...

Oh and Hels, it's okay. <3 I went AFK for a bit anyway, then saw you were AFK so went offline without saying g'night (sorry about that) and then went and took a shower and off to bed. :)

Ah yes, meant to mention this - finally got a grade for my internship, got a B+, so ended up with a graduating GPA of 3.71 (out of a possible 4.00). >_< Not half as good as I'd've liked, but oh well. :(

*hides in the warren*

MammaMia 03-08-2010 01:22 PM

*hides with April*

Doikers 03-08-2010 01:26 PM

B+ is good April ! Way to go you ! .
What are sugar free water packets ? are they just what they sound like?

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 01:43 PM

*cuddles Hels* How are you doing this morning, sweetie?

*cuddles Mark* Sugarfree water packets are packets of sugarfree flavoring that you can add to 16 oz. of water. They're really good and here you can buy them at Walmart for about $1.50 for 10 packets. I really like the Crystal Light pomegranate lemonade though... or else the wild strawberry. :) Yum. Hehe. How are you doing today, big bro??

*cuddles everyone else*

Am starting to get nervous even though said friend told me that she is "not coming to see my apartment, she's coming to see me." Hehe. True, but then when I rang up my parents this morning my mum stressed the importance of a clean bathroom & kitchen... and it just made me more stressed. :( :( :( Feel so bad now. Our kitchen is pretty clean, as is our bathroom... but... I don't know. I hate feeling like there's all this pressure on me to make the apartment look nice. :(

*hides in a hole and cries quietly*

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 02:45 PM

It's quiet so far today...

...did a bit more cleaning, made sure that we have lunch supplies, damnit I hate feeling like I'm less than what I should be!! :'(

Waiting for my friend to get here... she should be here any minute now.

Played cello a bit... takes more muscles than I'm accustomed to!! lol. But it's all good. I'm up to playing "Ode to Joy" (most of it) as well as "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" (about half of it before my arm & brain get tired, lol)... we'll see how my stamina increases. :D I love my cellllllo. XD

*cuddles everyone, then curls up next to Mark, wherever he is, and cries some more* :(

Doikers 03-08-2010 03:39 PM

*Cuddles April* I'm here , just got back from Accupuncture so sleep tonight (I hope) . I'm just feeling numb , absense of feeling , so I don't really know what to say , am still waiting on blood test results and my SW who was supposed to call me last Friday didn't and is off sick all this week so I don't think that my Lithium ( and Liver function ) results will be told to me .
When I do feel feelings it's low and/or anxiety :(

SoMuchMore 03-08-2010 05:43 PM

*hugs april* hope you lunch thing went okay.

*hugs mark* hope you find out about your blood test results soon. Sorry that you are feeling so numb.

*hugs helen* how are you?

*hugs lia, felicity, kahlia, luke, oliver, and everyone else*

Stuck in my hometown for a few weeks. Everything is just so frustrating here... and loud... and i don't know. Maybe i should have gone through with other plans I made last time I was home.. but i don't/won't because I never do.
*sits invisibly in the corner*

misskitty112 03-08-2010 05:44 PM

April, have fun with your friend! Also congrats on the 3.71, I wish I could get a GPA like that!

Mark, *hugs* I hope you can sleep tonight.

I had horrible dreams last night, made me wish I'd never forced myself to sleep. I woke up clawing at my arms with my fingernails... not gonna lie, it only triggered me more.
I know with this dream I had, there's huge things I need to bring up with my T, but I don't know if I'm ready to stop blocking out everything.

Doikers 03-08-2010 05:52 PM

*Hugs Laura* Please don't go through with any bad Plans (If thats what you meant ,sorry) You are worth so much more than that , I'd miss you too.

*Hugs Felicia*I'm sorry you had triggering dreams , I hope you are feeling a bit better having been awake a while.

MammaMia 03-08-2010 06:00 PM

*cuddles all*

Don't go through your plans if they're bad ones Laura, we care for you so much.

I'm really low, exhausted and sore. Suicide thoughts keep going through my mind on/off. I also had nightmares during the night. Fun times.

SoMuchMore 03-08-2010 06:05 PM

*hugs felicia* I'm sorry that you had bad dreams... I hate nightmare type dreams... they always bother me. You probably should try to talk to your T. Maybe she can help you unblock things in a safer type of environment.

*hugs mark* don't worry, i won't go through with any bad plans. My head is just being dumb i guess. I wish i could believe that i was worth more than that... b/c honestly, i just don't... and its harder when my thoughts are just out of control and telling me that i want to disappear.

*hugs helen* oops i missed you while typing.
I'm sorry that you are sore and had nightmares. Try to ignore those suicide thoughts.. I know its hard though. :-/

MammaMia 03-08-2010 06:12 PM

*cuddles Laura* I'm trying..

nicole94 03-08-2010 06:36 PM

*curls up*

MammaMia 03-08-2010 06:40 PM

*curls up with Nicole and spies April*

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 06:43 PM

*cuddles all*

Laura & Hels, and Mark too, and anyone else who's struggling with suicidal ideation right now... you're all worth so much more than that. Try to believe that, okay? My friend & I talked about that today actually, about how it's a "permanent fix to a temporary problem" ... things WILL get better, you've just got to keep believing that. *cuddles tight*

The time with my friend went well, I played cello/viola/violin for her and it made my brain go all tired, lol, switching clefs like that. >_< But it was a fun time. She stayed from 10am until about 10 minutes ago (1:30pm) so it was awhile... kept me outta trouble though, heehee. XD But we had fun. And had pb&honey sandwiches for lunch... and I'm going to help her make a meal plan as she has to work on lowering fat intake etc. I feel accomplished, like my almost-nutrition-minor counts for something. Hehe. She also has had an ED and we spent almost an hour talking about food. :P I was surprised but it was enjoyable, as we can really relate to each other. :D

Anyway. Am feeling low right now & really full... hate feeling full. :(

*hides and journals for awhile*

nicole94 03-08-2010 06:48 PM

*hugs helen and also spies april*

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 06:55 PM

*cuddles Nicole* How are you, hon?

*spies Mark & glomps* XD

nicole94 03-08-2010 06:57 PM

*cuddles april* im not sure, had a great night staying at my friends, then a good day watching toy story 3 at the cinema. but now i'm home i'm really triggerd and feeling low :(

one_step_closer 03-08-2010 07:07 PM

I'm here if you want to talk, Nicole.

I'm not able to take most of my medication because it is making me gag but it's not available as a liquid and my doctor won't put me on anything else before I see my psychiatrist which is in more than two weeks. I'm feeling so low and am crying a lot. I can't cope.

Doikers 03-08-2010 07:10 PM

:( Lindsay *Hugs* Could you get an emergency Psychiatrist appointment ? So you see them sooner .

nicole94 03-08-2010 07:18 PM

*hugs lindsay* thanks. i think i'm ok at the moment. just trying to distract myself.

Scarletdreamer 03-08-2010 07:22 PM

****ing hell!! My eye twitch is back and is driving me crazy. :'( I feel like a freak as it is visible (but barely) and I have no idea what's causing it... although the little hypochondriac in me is wondering if it's TD (tardive dyskinesia) from the Abilify. :crying:


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