*hugs Mark & Lia* Thanks for the support, guys. I really shouldn't whinge so much, though, tbh.

Mark, yes, it's an hour's drive. And while "normally" it's not such a far distance, what with her having classes etc. all day, it's a long drive for a weekday visit or whatever. I don't know. It just feels a lot longer away than it is, I guess. And I also guess that I'm scared that she's going to "forget" about me in her "new life." Am I making any sense at all? :-S *cuddles* How are you? (reminder to tell us how you are doing!! :) hehe...)

Lia, I'm sorry about that dream. It sounds horribly unpleasant. Last night I dreamt that my old violin teacher, another girl, and a (hot) guy (lol) - and I - were fishing with our violin bows. I happened to fish up a lion - great huge male lion - and we all ran because he was chasing us and wanted to kill us. I wanted my bow back, because it's a relatively nice bow and I've had it as long as I've had my performance violin. :( There were a few other weird bits & pieces but that's the most of the dream that I can remember. I'm sorry that you're scared of your subconscious right now... *gentle hugs* I totally understand. Or almost totally. Not completely totally as I'm not you. :)

How is everyone else doing today?? *cuddles all 'round*

I spy Jess, Lia, & Oliver!! *glomps all* :D

hi hethr, mark an april. sori we get nam rong hethr.

i veri scard toda. toda hav go werk soon an i not wana go i wana sta hom hids an seeps an no se nobodi an not leev hous.
but has to.
tumi fels bubli. fels iky. hiding say it bes anxity. we mayb hav tak anxity medsin at werk if it no gets betr.
i so scard.

Sarah

Hey Sarah and April.

*Hugs Sarah* I hope work goes ok for you sweetie. What's wrong with taking the anxiety medicine? Why do you have to wait for it to get worse? Not sure what else to say right now, but we're all here to support you in times like this when you just need someone there.

*HUgs April* Dreams are the worst aren't they? I'm sure your friend won't just forget you. My mum has a friend who lives an hour away, and we see her quite a bit. She's my Godmother and our familes have been friends for years. Since before I was born. It's not all the far away, and you can easilly stay friends at that distacne. I can understand how you're feeling though. Someone extreamly important to me is moving away, and I'll never see her again.

x

*hugs April*

Sorry we're all struggling so much. Not too sure how I am today, oh well, I do know that I'm still unhappy. So yeah...low. *sighs*

So over everything dude. When is it going to get better? =[

Hey Jess, how are you?

*Hugs Helen* What's up honey? Sorry you're feeling so low. Is there anything I can do?

xx

Not good. I'm getting all sorts of urges and I think I broke my eating again.

*sits*

*Hugs Jess* Try not to give into those urges sweetheart, you're worth recovering for, whatever else you might believe. What do you mean you 'broke your eating'?

Hey Nicole, how's things?

xx

hey lia *hugs* theyre-ok i suppose, just a bit confused because everyone seems to think im better when im getting worse and worse and it scares me. my mum even has paracetamol back in the house.

Thanks *hugs* I'm trying to distract myself as best as I can. My mood's not helping at all. I'm sick of being so frikken low. As for breaking my eating, I was back to pretty much eating normally and now I'm having trouble eating again.

Jess, do you know why it is you're having trouble eating again? Do you have an ED?

Nicole, do you think you are in danger of using the paracetomal? Please try to resit that. Not long until you can get out. I'm wondering, how will you cope alone? Are you sure you'll be able to resit urges when you're all on your own? Not to scare you, I'm just concerned is all. *Hugs*

Guys, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this on my own. I say I'm 'bang-tidy', but I'm not. I'm really not I'm falling apart, it's one thing after another and now there's something so scary and I can't deal. I thoguht things were bad before, but then the three worst things I can think of came one after another and I can't believe I thought things were bad before. I can't do this. I want to cry, but I can't. Phyiscally, I can't. I'm so tired. Of everything. I'm tired of being the Ice Queen, I'm tired of pushing everyone out, but I no longer know how to let them in. I'm too scared to. I'm sorry.

xx

*holds lia* sorry sweetie, i dont know what to say, but just know im here for you. *hugs*

*cuddles Lia, Jess & Nicole* Sorry I have no words. Just try keep fighting...

*huggles helen* how you doing today hun?

I'm low Nicole....

I'm back at my Flat , I Love my family , I do , but 2 nights is about all I can take heh :S

*Hugs Lia , Nicole , April , Jessica , Helen , Sarah , Hiding*

Sorry for no individual replies this post... I have a headache and can't seem to focus on reading all the things I missed so far today...
*hugs everyone*
I don't want to be at work... I want to be home napping. TGIF

n'aaw, *extra big hugs* sorry, dont know what else to say.

*cuddles everyone*

Lia, love, then why don't you start by letting us in? As I said, I'm proud of you for letting me in, even a "little bit," like you did a few days ago. That was so courageous of you, it really was. Now... maybe try opening up to a few more people? You don't have to do it on the VPW, you just can PM a couple of others that you trust, or are close to trusting... or you can post here, your choice. Anyway, just an idea. *gentle hugs* You WILL be okay, you WILL make it through.

*glomps the others currently reading the thread*

Oh & Crimson, is your day going any better today?? *gentle cuddles*

*hides in the warren*

*hugs everyone* sorry for lack of individual replies.

I'll be out of town until late sunday night so I won't be around, just thought i'd let everyone know so nobody is worried... not that there is anything here to worry about.

*cuddles Laura* Stay safe & have fun, wherever you are going!! :) And yes, if we didn't hear from you in "that long" a time without you saying something, we'd probably get worried. I know that I would, at least...

*feels very alone* :(

Thanks April, Jess and Nicole. I feel a little better now, and so you don't worry about me, I will be away for a week after tomorrow. I'm not dead, just on camp. It should be fun, and I can't do anything with everyone there, which I suppose can only be a good thing.

xx

And you're not alone April. I'm here :) *Hugs and crawls in warren with you*

Nobody's alone :)

*joins in with cuddling April and Lia*

Oh & thanks for the notice Laura, hope you have a nice time =]

Huggles everyone. Sorry I know I'm not explain what's going on.
This is to no one here just Need to vent.
How much more bulls*it do I need to take before you back the hell off, do you know what your doing to me. No because you don't care. This whole thing is sh*t and you know it, so why wait let's get this over and done with so at least I know were I stand then, you are been so damn petty and I'm really past thepoint of caring. So let's do this

It feels like I am alone, though, because every time I post in this thread (or so it feels, hah) no one else is in it. :-/ Stupid reason for feeling alone, I know, but oh well. :(

Lia, I hope that you enjoy yourself!! *hugs gently*

Hels, are you feeling any better? *cuddles*

Jill, I hope you're doing okay... If you like - although it's not unwelcome here - there is a place in the Serious Discussion forum (I believe) that's basically a thread for the stuff you just posted. Just so you know. :) *hugs gently*

Today has been a weird day. Jarrod's getting ready for ICC10 (a raid on WoW) for which he's finally geared up enough... makes me feel kind of blah & left out, I don't know. I... yeah. :-X Am a jealous bitch. :(

I'm so tired, too. I took a near-2-hour-long nap earlier today and could take another now, but I'm not, as that would probably guarantee me not getting to sleep at all tonight. Hah. Not like that would be a bad thing... but it would be frustrating & I don't need that. :( Sorry...

*hides in warren again* :'(

*hugs everyone*

Sorry, I won't be around much until Sunday night. The play is taking a lot of energy out of me.
I'll be starting a picture thread once I have time though =) I love you all and am always thinking of you.

*Hugs April* You're not alone :) and you are certanly NOT a bitch , you are totally loveable :-)

Oooh Felicia , Hows the play going ? A midsummer nights dream no ? I was in that as a child , well a short version of it , I was Bottom and also The Wall with the chink :)

Mark, it is A Midsummer Night's Dream. We did wonderful for opening night, the chemistry between us actors is amazing!

My profile pic is from the play if anyone would like to see.

Also, I forgot to say, Bottom is an awesome role!

Sorry guys, I'm pass can't even say my heads in a mess.emotions are all over the place I don't have the faintest idea what the hell I'm going to do. This whole thing is messed up. if I'm honest I just want to die as I can't see a way back from this. I'm so screwed,big massive mess. =(

Ohhh you are twirling? (in your profile pic) . I am glad it went well on opening night :)

*Hugs Jill*

Yes, I am twirling! 'Tis my favorite part of the mushy scenes in the play.

Jill, *hugs* I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

*Spies Jill and Mark.*

I know what you mean April. People offer me support a lot, but it's always when I really need it that there's no one there. I kinda hover here most of the day, but am doing other things and forget to check, I'm not ignoring you. You're not a bitch either, you're the first person I've ever opened up to in what feels like forever, so go you! Aren't you the lucky one? :P

*Hugs Jill* Don't have a lot to say, but just to let you know I'm here :)

Hey Helen, how are you now? x

How's it going Felica? Anyone dressed as a giant marshmallow? << never mind, you already posted. Just didn't see that, it wasn't there when I begn writing.

xx

Lack of thoughts. I have nothing to say. I wish I did. I feel crap for not helping anyone.

*Hugs Kat*
Don't feel crap :S You are going through a VERY stressful time and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost :)

I think we also all need to stop apologising/feeling crap when not replying/doing individual posts. It's not a rule that we MUST make posts for everyone or anything. It's quite saddening people apologising when they're struggling so much. We're all in the same boat with struggling and know that sometimes we can't even make a post. But please remembers guys, we're all here for each other. Even if it's just for a hug, giggles, support, whatever. We'll try our best to give it. But please know that it's okay to not support others etc when you're struggling. Got to look after ourselves even more before anyone else. We won't get upset with you or anything.

*cuddles for all*

For those who've been asking, I'm still low but I'm still hanging in here. Just want to be happy :(

Well spoken, Hels. Thanks for the reminder. I think it's just that we want other people to remember that we've not forgotten them, that we're just unable to do individual replies at that time. But you're right, we shouldn't feel like crap (or however you want to put it) because we can't. We should feel free to post whenever... even if we're not doing well. *cuddles*

Lia, yes, I do feel honored that you opened up to me - and I do sincerely mean that!! I've seen just how difficult it is for you to open up and it does mean a lot that you PM'ed me. Know that I don't judge you in any way because of it, or think of you any differently - you're still the sweet, kind, caring person that you were prior to opening up. And don't worry, you can't scare me away. :) *cuddles*

*cuddles Kat* What's up, sweetie??

Felicia, so glad that opening night was wonderful!! I bet that the play is taking a lot out of you, it would me, that's for sure. And I will definitely check out your profile pic. :D *gentle hugs*

Mark, thanks for telling me that I'm lovable. :) That means a lot. How are you doing tonight?? *cuddles then curls up next to* :)

I'm... I don't know. I just joined up with a WONDERFUL guild on Bronzebeard-US, and they're being so sweet & generous with my baby pally (who just dinged level 10 after /played about 5 hours :D). So that makes me really, really happy. I know that WoW is just a game & all, but it really does touch my heart when people are kind on it... probably because I know there are sooo many idiots and unthoughtful people who play it. (Not saying that of ANY of you guys in here who play it, though!!)

Anyway. Ummm, what else... Jarrod & I went out for lunch this afternoon and that was about the only time we spent together today. And it doesn't look like it'll be getting any better in the hours to come. :( He's playing WoW now and is so focused he can't even talk to me, much anyway. So I'm trying to come up with a schedule of stuff I can do by myself tonight... it's just lonely. :( I have a feeling I'll be on here a fair bit.

*sighs, then hides in the warren again & cries softly*

I'm sorry to invade but i am in a very bad place right now.

I've been dumped by my bf who isn't even in the same goddamn country as me cos i didn't tell him something cos i was doing it to spare him worry and pain. But apprently that makes me selfish.

I want to cut. I want to drink. I want to die.

So far i'm trying so ****ing hard to keep this together but i am so scared right now of what i might do. The only other person i can talk to is away and i can't get in touch.

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place, i just don't know what to do :(

*gentle hugs* I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie... about your boyfriend, I mean. Have you tried explaining yet? or maybe wait a bit til he cools down some, I don't know, then try explaining again? :( It sounds like a truly shitty situation... wish I could help somehow other than offering platitudes (from which I will spare you, hah).

Oh, & it sounds like you're in the right place for this. The VPW is a supportive environment filled with caring people. :) You won't always get individual replies, but people still do care. And btw, I'm April. :)

*cuddles you both*

*cuddles Hels* I wish I could make things better for you, love. :( Someday you will be happy, I can promise you that. Just keep seeking health, and happiness will come. ♥

Thank you, (i'm Beki)

He rang me but hung up on me, then i tried to call him but couldn't and he told me never to call him again. I texted and try to explain but he hasn't texted back. I've written him a letter explaining it but he won't see that until he gets home (we share a flat :( ) i rang my mum earlier and she said i did the right thing and that i was really brave trying to deal with it on my own without worrying anyone else.

Basically i've got Bells Palsy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell%27s_palsy) and was worried so called NHS Direct who said i had to come in and be checked to confirm it. They sent an ambulance cos i was on my own. I didn't call him cos i was told they were 99% certain of what it was but i had to be seen to diagnose it, same reason i didnt call my family. They would have assumed the worst and been so worried. When its a minor problem really.

It was terrifying for me as the last time i was in an ambulance and in hospital i nearly died (cos of an OD) and i cant believe hes blaming me for this. It was so hard last night but i did it alone so he wouldnt worry, he's on holiday in france and there would have been nothing he could have done.

i just feel like i dont deserve this :( i was trying to protect him

You don't deserve it Beki, and if he won't listen to you then perhaps he's not worth your time of day. I understand completly about not wating to worry people, it's part of the reason I am so shut off, I don't want people to worry about me when they have so many of their own problems, among many other reasons I'm the 'Ice Queen' that I've been labelled as.

I've had a situation like this before where somone's told me not to contact them again, but it was completly unjustified so I decided I wasn't having it and they had to at least give me a proper reason, so I ignored the no contract rule and commented on their blog telling them to at least explain to me what the **** was going on and it turned out to be a misunderstanding and it was never them who sent the message in the first place.

Anyway, the point is he might understand if you do manage to explain. Have you pushed him out before? Because it can get very frustrating, as I have learned from the people around me who are ready to kill me right about now. It must be horrible watching someone you love hurting with no idea what's even hurting them, let alone how to help.

You're always welcome on here, whatever your problem. We're a pretty multi cultural group, so there will always be someone around depending on time differences and sleep problems.

Take care sweetie. *Hugs*

*Hugs April* I'm sorry about the way you are feeling right now. It can really suck to feel lonely, especially when there's someone in the house because then there's no logical reason for it. I can be in the middle of my English lesson, surrounded by people and feel so incredibly alone. You have us though, we're here :)

Spies Kahlia and Oliver, how are you two?

xx

Oh guys, this is a goodbye for the next week. Which scares me in a way. I need the support here, I know I don't ask for it a lot, but it's a comfort knowing it's here. I'm gonna be screwed for the next week. Ah well, I'll live. I'll have distractions, but it worries me that I'm taking my blades and 'emergancy' pills.

Hope you're all ok, and I don't want to come back to find anyone's left us! Yes, that is a threat. Mwahaha!

*Hugs to all.*

Thanks for listening to me the other night April, it's really appreciated.

xx

Hi Beki, I'm Oliver. I'm sorry to hear what happened, but like Lia said if he isn't listening is he worth it. sorry don't have any good advice *hugs*

*hugs April* I'm sorry you've been lonely today, it really is the worst when your lonely but surrounded by others, but as Lia said we're here and sending you lots of hugs.

*hugs Lia* how are you tonight/today? hope the week goes ok, please stay safe. Where are you off to? (really sorry if you have said, brain like a seive me)

*hugs Hels* how are you doing now?

*hugs* all other wardies who have popped in at some point, sorry to not name you all, but hope your all ok.

**** I'm stressed about this weekend and its for pathetic reasons.

*huggles everyone*

Still alive and kicking Lia - though still as anxious as hell.
The beta-blockers are doing absolutely nothing for me. . . . with the possible exception of making me tired.
I see my psychiatrist this coming week - hopefully we can nut something out ... maybe.
Am going to email the advocate-person as well this weekend hopefully to explain what I need to know and when I need to know it by.
Hopefully it will be an easier week this week - but I won't hold my breath.
Still, as I've said before ... a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step . . . but so does falling down a flight of stairs . . .