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*screams and throws things*
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What's wrong Nicole?
I spy a Laura. |
*cuddles helen* its not pathetic that you are having a hard time explaining. I am like that too when im really struggling, ppl will ask what is wrong and I'll just be like "i dont know" even tho thats not true at all. Stay safe hun. If you feel like you want to talk more, we are all here.
*hugs mark* im sorry that you are so stressed. it sounds like you have so much going on right now. Hope that you can find some distraction/relaxation. *hugs april* I think that if i got up at 5:45 am i would be exhausted not matter how early i went to sleep lol. (im not a morning person at all though). That tea sounds awesome *takes some.* How else are you doing today? You enjoying no uni? *finds kahlia and kat and hugs both of them* *waves to owen* *hugs vicki, oliver, lindsay, crimson, mouse in darkness, and nicole* I had Kappa Tau Alpha initiation yesterday... its the top honors society for journalism in the US, and apparently its pretty prestigious, which I didn't know when i got the bid for it. (For anyone that knows, its like Phi Beta Kappa... only journalism majors are not allowed in Phi Beta Kappa.. so this is like the equivalent.) Anyway, I've never sat in a room full of people that i didn't know that all looked so proud of me. All these professors making an effort to talk to me and tell me what an honor this is and all that. It felt weird. Like it was kinda cool to feel important, but at the same time I dont feel i deserved all that attention... I mean, i struggle on a daily basis just to stay afloat in life, and after the ceremony i kept wondering if anyone would think i am still exemplary if they knew what i crap person i can be. Obviously, i know that wasnt the point of the ceremony. But its just thoughts that came up. Especially when they were all asking me about my plans for life and making it sound like i have so much potential to do whatever... the problem is, while i say i have plans... I never even pictured myself making it this far in life, nevertheless far into a career. |
Whats up Nicole? *Hugs*
How are you this evening Helen? *Hugs* |
i dont feel safe anymore helen. i know i'm ill, but when i got a letter through this morning about a meeting with me, my mum, my dad, my counsellor, my DBT worker, my doctor, my HOY, my connexions worker and my consultant psychiatrist to discuss my 'care' i went MENTAL. i feel like a weirdo. and like i dont need all this fuss, but i do i need the help but i'm not sure i want it. not like this anyway. theyve tried all this before, and it hasnt worked, and when they decided i should be assesed a couple of months ago at a proper psych hospital, i thought i was gonna get the help i need, but no, because according to them theres nothing wrong with me! i can't deal with them messing with my head like this!
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OOps typing together Laura , Well done on your Iniciation (Spelling?) *Hugs*
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*Hugs Nicole again* I'm sorry you are having problems getting the help you deserve , that really sucks :(
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Thanks Laura :]
Doing pretty **** Mark. But thanks for asking. Nicole, I'm sorry honey, maybe this time they WILL help?? :( |
*hugs mark* yeah maybe. but i'm not going to the meeting, so yeah. my mum will probably go though and i can find out from her.
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*group hug*
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*group hug*
Looks like it's going to be a very long & lonely night for me. Not good when I'm in this state. Oh well. Will keep quiet, then nobody can moan :D |
*group hugs*
*extra hugs for helen* sorry you have people moaning and arent feeling too good |
*hides in a hole* :(
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*joins april in hole and hugs her* whats up sweetie?
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*joins April & Nicole* What's wrong April?
Nobody's moaning for once. Most people are just avoiding or not talking to me. Except my best friends (who can't come on) and you guys. Oh well. I don't care. They don't. Want to do so much damage :'( |
Never felt so alone :'(
Nobody would notice if I died. Wow. :/ Sorry. |
*cuddles helen* i would notice. I would miss you terribly here. *sits with helen so she's not so alone*
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*crawls out of hiding hole*
*hugs laura back* meep. dont wanna talk really. dont like company in. can't talk.*hugs april* |
*cuddles Helen* I'm really sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment. It isn't a nice place to be and I wish I could pick you up from there, but I know that you will come up soon, and be higher than ever. Healing is like that, you dip down low, but climb up higher, if you know what I mean. We are with you all the way sweet, you just hang in there. Remember that we are here for you, with love and support all the way. We might not be able to do much for you in person, but in spirit we can do an awful lot. Keep fighting hunny, keep fighting, you are doing so well. I promise you, you are doing marvelously.
*cuddles april* I'm gonna ask the same thing, whats up hunny? I spy an oliver and a ....oh darn it, sorry sweetie, name escapes me fallinstar |
*cuddles Helen lots* i would notice if you died and would miss you lots.
*runs around the ward hugging everyone who wants hugs and waves at Owen* just been on phone to mum and grandma, my mum came out to my grandma for me today and she is fine with it, plus my mum sang happy birthday to me on the phone and called me Oliver and my grandma just said she wants me to be happy, which is cool, plus now with more people in family knowing my mum is getting used to Oliver and calling me it more, plus I have had a good birthday, even got a card from my sister, even though it said birthname it was a card from her and I text her and she text back. sorry i am rambling but it has made me feel happy all this good stuff today. *bounces around ward* I'm hope this good feeling lasts for a while |
Thanks you three <3
Oliver, I'm so happy for you. I really am :D xx |
Hels, sweetheart, I would miss you terribly. Please remember that, 'kay? You may feel like that people IRL wouldn't miss you, but I can promise you that they would. *cuddles tight* Try your hardest to be safe... I understand the desire to do so much damage, too, I want to do a lot of damage to myself but I can't. But that's for the best for both of us, not being able to do it... ♥
I don't know what's wrong, I just feel off mentally. I think it's the weaning off Klonopin that's doing it... I don't know though. I also think it's worrying about grades... I'm not checking my grades until Monday evening when it is assured that they will all be in, so I don't get all obsessive about checking them... but I am scared that I got a C+ in soc, which would be just damn embarrassing. :( I have never gotten a C, of any sort, in anything but a few exams in uni. So yeah. :'( I don't know... and on that W&S final project, remember, the poems? Well, my bestie and our mutual friend got A's and I got an A-, for no particular reason. :'( I don't know. I'm just frustrated, I guess. I really don't know. *curls up next to Mark again* You're welcome :) *cuddles all* Sorry for the lack of individual replies... :( |
*crawls over to april* I wish i understood, i never got any grades at all *curls up in a ball* bad company gone now. wish she'd go forever.
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*hugs Kat* Hi Amy, do you mind hugs? Sorry if that question's been asked before, I forget things easily. :o How are you doing? what bad company? why is she bad? If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay.
I spy a Laura!! *cuddles* |
*shakes head* i try not to do hugs. she's bad. that woman kat calls mother. she hurt us. shadow would kill her if he could, but we dont let shadow out
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Well then, I will remember that you don't do hugs. :) I'm sorry that Kat's mother is bad company and that she hurt you. :( Is there anything I can do to help? and who is shadow? another alt?
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*curls up next to April*
Sorry...I just can't write replies & I'm trying && wanting to :'( |
i feel bad. shouldn't have said that about mother. but i dont like her! whats an alt? shadow lives with us. but he's nasty. evil. twisted. i keep him away from rosie. Kat knows he's there. but kat doesnt know how big and real he is.
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Bad. Bad amy. bitch amy should wash her mouth out.
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*screams and cries and runs from the room sobbing*
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get her to listen
she must listen she has to |
Kat - is the blue you? or is that someone else?
Either way... Amy - Im sorry that you are so upset right now. is there anything we can do to help? |
*hides in denial tent and screams her head off & cries*
I'm sorry. Just ignore me. |
*blows a hug on the wind to Kat, wherever she is* Hope you're okay, sweet. ♥
*cuddles Hels* What's up, sweetie? It's okay to say more than just "I'm low" ... we welcome openness and don't condemn anyone - at least, I hope we don't!! I know that I don't, or try not to... feel free to PM me anytime, 'kay? *more cuddles* Laura *cuddles* How you doing, love? *cuddles everyone else* *hopes that Mark is sleeping well, and anyone else who is sleeping right now* JK, how are you? if you read this... because you don't post much about yourself ever, I thought I'd ask. :) Hayley, it's okay to waffle about yourself, no one here minds. It's important to talk to people other than your significant other and here is a fine place to do it. :) Granted, we're not IRL but still. :) Crimson, hope you're doing alright - oh and about the makeup, that's really expensive!! Wow... and I thought that $9 for a palette of eyeshadow was a lot... lol. Nicole and Julie, hope that you two are okay as well. *leaves some cuddles in a heap on the table for you three* Oliver, glad that you are happy with your birthday. :) Sounds lovely indeed... *cuddles* Sorry if I missed anyone... honestly didn't mean to... :-S *cuddles* I'm doing meh. Just had supper and couldn't finish my portion, so had Jarrod finish it for me. I did pretty well though. And soon we're going to start our exercise program up again... we're going to have to sacrifice WoW 3 nights a week but that should be okay... gahh... I don't mind that so much as I just want to get into shape and get that six-pack. And not of beer... lol. I want to be pretty and not fat/ugly. :'( I'm so tired... I really am. Ugh. I tried to take a nap but it didn't work. Oh well... :-/ I feel so damn ugly and fat and nasty and gross though... sleep is such a good escape from that, I don't know. I feel hideous. :'( ARGH I feel so stupid.................. :'( |
updated r/v thread...
:crying: pathetic bitch that i am............. :'( |
April, you're not a pathetic bitch & have I somehow missed a post from Hayley? Only you wrote to her in your reply?
I'm more than low. I think I'm actually suicidal and just don't want to completely admit it to myself. I don't want to be feeling it. I just want all this ****ing **** to go away. I want my best friend but leaving her alone for a good reason. Had a bit of a row with my other best friend. Most of my ****ing friends don't seem to give a **** about me anymore & keep laughing at me. I can't cope with everything. There is SO much going on. I just hurt so much right now. I'm soooooooooooo low/bad. Ugh. :'( :'( :'( I just want to ****ing destruct. I keep crying, even I don't cry THIS much regularly :S I haven't even got started and need to STOP ****ING WHINGING ARRRRRGH :'( |
I replied to a post of Hayley's awhile back... can't remember what page it was on, only remember her being worried about typing too much about herself. Seems like a lot of us in here are like that... :( ...when we shouldn't be.
Hels, hon, can you talk with anyone (IRL) about how you're feeling? someone safe? I'm not talking professionals, but maybe your mum or something? just to keep you safe for the night... I don't know, I'm sorry that I'm rubbish at ideas and such, it's just that I don't want you to do anything stupid. *cuddles gently and rocks back & forth* Things WILL be okay, it'll just take time... I'm kinda sui myself, it's an awful feeling... but it will pass. Remember your will to live... because you have one, you mentioned it the other day. *more cuddles* |
Oh I follow you now :) We shouldn't feel that way indeed. I agree.
I can't talk with anyone in real life how I feel :'( I couldn't ever tell my Mum & even if I did somehow tell her, I couldn't cope with her reaction. Just from past experiences when I've been in A&E and stuff. You're not rubbish at ideas honey. *clings* I don't believe things will be okay. People keep telling me that. I get a few hours of maybe things being ok/feeling happy and then I fall even harder on my face. It feels like, or life throws me back onto the floor. Or both. :'( I'm SO sick of waiting. I've been waiting for so very long now :'( Everyone tells me it'll be okay eventually. Some people even go on to tell me, I have to make it happen. I keep trying but it's not working :'( Not that I can try now, although I'm sort of trying? Oh I don't know. Just know that it's not okay. It IS an awful feeling. I proper hate it. *cuddles* I just want to scream & shout & destruct. Show people that I'm not okay. Yet at the same time, I don't want to. Attention seeking much?! Because I hate how some people deal with it. I don't know why I'm so desperate at the moment for certain people (okay professionals) to see that I'm not 'fine' as they so kindly keep telling me..... |
*hugs april* you are not pathetic. I read your venting spot. Im sorry that your ED is back. You are not hideous though, you are lovely! i promise, both inside and out.
*hugs helen* sometimes attention seeking is not bad hun. It doesnt make you pathetic or anything. I wish that you could get the help you deserve from professionals. Im sorry that they keep just brushing you off and telling you that you are fine. Please dont act on the suicidal urges.. please? If things get too bad try to find someone IRL to tell, at least go to the a&e or something... I know waiting for things to get better is hard... i wish there was more i could say to help you feel better. *hugs oliver* glad that you are having a good birthday! *hugs everyone else* I hope you are all okay. *sits invisibly in corner* - I feel like no one can see me. (IRL more than here) |
*hugs Laura* I know it's not sometimes. I am pathetic though, but thank you. I wish I could get the help. A couple of other people do too. It pisses me off something chronic that keep brushing me off. Won't go into all the details of some of the things they've done or it'll turn into hours or ranting and very very long posts. Plus I haven't the energy to rant about them right now. Surprisingly. Although if I got started somehow, I probably would be well away. Anyway...I'll try not to act on the urges. I should be pretty much safe this weekend. Although tomorrow (well today now) I will be alone for part of it if I don't see the boyfriend. Hm. But I will go to a&e if I have to. Rather avoid it at all costs though. We'll see...
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Helen, have you considered whether or not you would reconsider the psychology groups they offered you when we went to your psych assessment a while back or the cpn you were offered? I know you said the CPN was not something you wanted (due to a mix up the first time you went and then you not going back) but it is something that maybe helpful.
Similarly, the psychology groups may have been a couple of buses away but if you are feeling so rubbish then surely they are worth travelling a bit further to, especially since you are not working at the moment.If you don't want to consider these then maybe it would be helpful to think about what you WOULD find helpful, clearly the professionals do not think medication is the answer and your previous posts suggest the HTT are also not helpful. What do YOU think might help? Perhaps when you've thought about it you should suggest it to your GP or Dr? Medication is often not the solution for a lot of people, for some it is but for many others it isn't. I think having the groups to go to may be a good idea, coupled with a CPN and counsellor. You won't know if it will help until you have tried it. |
There isn't even help here for me to consider getting. At least you have been presented options. With no insurance (I'm in the states for those who don't know) I am left to sink further into the Pit until they catch me before I off myself and put me in hospital or I end up dead. And to be honest, I'd rather not get that far... again :pinch:
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*hugs *forever broken*. I agree...I think sometimes people are too quick to criticise the NHS. I hope you get the help you need and are craving for soon. You really do deserve it hun. The way you continue to struggle without complaining is an inspiration to me x
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lol thanks, Pomegranate luv :-) Sometimes I'd really like to complain though ;-)
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No worries Ally, hope you and the other regulars are ok Oliver.
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lol I'm Ally, btw :-D I wish I had met you all under better circumstances.
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*hugs oliver* dont be afraid to come back in here. I'm sure the argument will completely die out soon as there is no reason that it needs to be brought back up really.
How did the rest of your birthday go? |
*hugs Laura* it was good thanks, spent the day at my monthly trans group, went out for a meal with a few friends and then went to Canal Street and joined up with some other friends and had a few drinks and a chat.
How are you? |
Oliver - I'm glad you had a good birthday! Sounds like it was a good time.
I am okay. its finals week at my uni so I'm kinda stressed trying to get everything done. Happy that it is almost summer though so i can have a break from school stress. *hugs everyone* |
O and it means "quoted for truth" i think
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