*Hugs April* I'd love to see photos of your state park , it sounds lovely . I live in a national park and used to hike all the time until my Depression kicked in about 5-6 years ago ( WOW 5-6 WHOLE years , I didn't realise , my life has been pointless for that long , ugh thats a downer )
*Hugs Helen*

*hugs Doikers*

*hugs everyone* sorry, too many to do individually, had a good evening, went out with my friend and just wanderd around aimlessley talking, but then got home and my sister started :( now i wanna cut.

*cuddles Hels* I'm sorry you're not feeling any better... :( I'm feeling worse too, tbh... just want it all to end like never before. Are you sure that your mum "has enough on her plate without [you] adding to it"? She's your mum, she's supposed to help take care of you when you're struggling. I realize that all mums aren't capable of this, but I am just checking to make sure that you're not underestimating her. Of course, I don't know her... so sorry if that offended. :-S I hope that you manage to get a good cry in, too, since they do seem to help. I wish I could cry... :(

*cuddles Mark* I've been depressed for 6 years now too. Almost exactly. Actually, my last "good" year was 2003, and that was only marginally good. That's just sad. :( I wish I could be happy again... doubt that will ever happen. I feel like I'm doomed to misery, heh, even though Jarrod thinks differently. How are you feeling?

*cuddles Nicole* What did your sister start? Did she and you start arguing over summat? Sorry, got a bit confused by what you wrote. :-S Sorry if I'm really dense, 'cause I feel that way right now...

Well, I have a page and a half of my senior sem paper done, and more research done as well. But that's it. I feel like such a ****ing loser, slacker, idiot. Tomorrow's Easter and it's supposed to be a day off, but I can't take a day off. I need to get that ****ing paper DONE. And then I see my SW on Monday and I'm scared of that appt... last time I wore long sleeves so she couldn't see my arms but this time I'm not going to, I don't think...

I feel so stupid. I need to just... I don't know, die. I'm such a failure.

:crying:

Just updated my r/v thread... if anyone wants to read it...

Sorry if I spam the thread with that... I understand if no one wants to.

*cuddles April* I'm sorry too. I just feel worse and worse as tonight goes on. Don't know how I'm going to get through this. I'm sorry you're feeling worse too. :( I know my Mum would rather I talked to her and stuff, but I really don't want to add to her list of problems. I can't. It breaks her everytime she finds out I've overdosed or been to a&e or whatever :'( I can't see her like that again. I can't can't can't can't. Shouldn't have sent that email either. Wish I could cry but it won't happen sadly.

I feel like ****. Tonight's just getting worse and worse. :crying: I'm sorry that you don't feel very well either, Helen... I wish I could sprinkle magical fairydust on us to make us all feel better... :(

I'm going to go post - AGAIN - in my r/v thread. :(

*huggles everybody with extra special huggles for everyone who is struggling - which on balance seems to be everyone ... so works out to just be heaps of huggles for all*

Sometimes I wish there was some sort of magical cure for both psychiatric and psychological struggles - some sort of magickal faerie dust or something - that could just be applied and then *poof* all worries disappear. *sigh*

*cuddles you both*

Wish I could make it all go away for eveyrone too :(

i really dont know how long i can keep doing this... Im not sure I want to stick around anymore..

I know a lot of us are feeling **** right now but I just wanted to wish everyone a
HAPPY EASTER !!!
I hope we all can get through these times safley.

April whenever you post that your update you R/V thread I read it , I just don't always know what to say but I don't mind reading it at all

* Hugs ward folk *

*hugs Helen, Laura & Mark*
*hugs everyone else*

We leave for our Road Trip in the morning!!!
Oh, and my parents got home today from their round Australia trip!!!

*hugs everyone again and tries to calm down*

*cuddles everyone*

I really can't do this :(

What's happening? *hugs*

*cuddles Lindsay*

So much **** is happening. I just can't cope with it and these thoughts/feelings. My head's not helping the situation. Really worried about both of my best friends, they're struggling. I don't want to see this happen again but I have to..

*cuddles everyone* hope you're all holding up.

yeah, my sister started arguments, sorry if i wasnt clear :/ she does that a lot. she basically a big bully :(

*cuddles Nicole lots*

So sick of this. Now I have to go out soon. I can't :(

*cuddles helen tight* whats up hun? why do you feel like you cant go out? is there any way you can avoid it?

*cuddles Nicole tight* No I can't avoid it. I want to try haha stuipd. Really struggling.

*hugs* aaw. where you gotta go if you dont mind me asking? maybe you can just try and pretend you're still at home?

Urgh hello everyone... *waves & cuddles*

Am feeling like proper **** right now... can't focus worth anything. Just want to die. Am so sick of this. I don't know, am so over it. And I just found out that a friend of mine is doing something that REALLY is a pet peeve of mine (won't mention it here) and it goes against our morals and... it's just upsetting. :( I hope that makes sense. I really don't think it's the right thing for her to be doing right now but she thinks it is and I'm not going to start up an argument over it. :(

How I ****ing HATE life. :crying:

*hugs april* aaw hun. sorry you're feeling so crap! life wont always be like this xx

*hugs Nicole back* I don't know. I honestly don't. I don't have hope for the future, not really.

Updated my r/v thread... :(

i know hun, i know its hard, i have days where i cant see myself ever having a future or a job or a family, but they pass hun, really they do. *holds tightly*

*cuddles* It may be true for others but I still don't have any hope... :(

I just want to escape out of this life... get away... am so sick of living.

Going to my parents' in a bit for Easter lunch... should be nice but at the same time it's like... food? I'm not hungry!! :(

*hides*

*hugs* i dont know what to say :( sorry

going offline now hun. stay safe. *hugs*

*cuddles you both lots*

*hugs helen, april, nicole, kahlia, mark, and lindsay*

Sorry if i missed anyone.

*sit alone in dark corner*

*sits with Laura and hugs her*

*cuddles everyone lots*

Laura, what's up, sweetie?

Hels, what's going on?

Just got up from a quick half-hour nap... urgh. I just want to go back to sleep. :( Feel like **** and don't want tomorrow to be here so quickly.

But, to work on my senior sem paper. Don't worry, I'll be hanging about and posting when I take breaks. :)

*more cuddles*

I don't know where to begin.
How to explain.
But I do know that all this **** is too much to cope with.
I have no choice to cope somehow :'(

You can cope... you'll be able to make it through, love. *gentle cuddles*

I'm fighting with this damn paper... :( I am supposed to have come up with some ADAPTIVE coping mechanisms for suicidal ideation and there is VERY VERY LITTLE literature on that... so yeah. :-/ I'm relying on using therapy as the main adaptive coping mechanism, and going into depth with that in my paper. Gahh, how I ****ing HATE this topic!!!! :crying: It's so hard... and my brain isn't working... and my husband is on WoW and I want to be as well. :(

*hides in a dark corner with her PC and stack of books and articles for her paper* :(

*cddles April* You can do this sweet, keep at it, soon be over :(

*curls up next to Helen* I wish it would be... I am going to feel like such an idiot, handing in such a ****ing awful paper tomorrow... I mean, I'm not a bad writer per se, but writing under pressure just does NOT work well for me. I did start the paper sooner, but I couldn't keep up. I don't know. :(

*hides back in her corner* :crying:

I'm sure it'll get a good grade. Don't be so harsh on yourself. *curls with you and carries on crying*

*cuddles helen* you can make it through this. Hang in there hun.

*hugs april* Im sorry you are having such a hard time on ur paper. I hate when my brain doesnt let me do my hw very well.. it sucks.

I am not doing well at all. I don't see the point in staying where I am anymore. In the past few weeks my whole life took a turn that i never thought it would... idk how to deal... So i am doing my usual put on the happy face and pretend like everything is super fantastic, nothing bothers me... I even told some ppl that i've been in worse situations than i am in right now so dont worry i can deal... I think thats a lie... Although, maybe not.. idk... either way I am not handling life very well. *hides*

*cuddles Laura* Sorry it's not more.

*cuddles within helen* its okay hun.. i know that you are having a really hard time right now. We can both make it through our lives.. right? i mean.. we have to

*cuddles both of you*

Laura, love, is there anyone with whom you can talk and be REAL? Like a uni therapist or something, I don't know. (Sorry, I forget if you're seeing someone or are against the idea.) I know that being real with just one person, even if it's someone that you only see once a week or whatever, can really help you manage to keep up the mask. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that masks are GOOD things to keep up, but... sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, you know? *holds gently* What all is going on? "just" the stuff with your ex? or is there more? ♥

Hels, you WILL make it through... you, LauraStar, LauraFriend, Joc, Mark, Nicole, Kahlia, anyone else I'm missing... you will all make it through. Just keep fighting... you can make it...

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuyAynr6WOk[/ame]

I feel like **** still. I just want to die... I honestly don't think that I can get this paper done by tomorrow... although I have several hours tomorrow morning after my SW appt that I can work on it, I'd really rather have it done by tonight. Which is NOT realistic. :crying:

I HATE MYSELF.

*hugs april* I hope your paper gets done. Good luck with it. I'm sure you will get done in time.

And for your questions...

I am pretty much real with one of my friends... but i dont get to see him very often... And no im not seeing a therapist or anything... ive had some very bad experiences with counselors in the past.. so unless i get to emergency status, i dont think i am going to go back.

It is mostly stuff involving my ex... but not just with him... A TON of people are involved in it and I feel like i am being pulled in 50 billion directions... 1 of my friends is suicidal over the whole thing (her ex-girlfriend was the one my ex cheated with.. athough she has known about it for like 3 months.. and i just found out a little over a week ago) and she ALWAYS wants to talk about the details of the break ups and cheating and i just dont want to talk about it all the time. Plus she keeps saying things to other people like, "well once everyone knows people are only going to care about laura." which just makes me kinda feel bad. I mean, shouldnt people be able to care about both of us? And that is just one example of how people are involved... it would be a very long post if i went into all of it... Its just stupid... I feel replaceable and unnecessary.

*cuddles you both so much*

Wish I could believe I'm going to get through this :(

*cuddles Laura* I'm sorry for all of the b.s. with your ex... and the stuff with your one best friend... that is really awful. :( I wish I could do something to help you... but I'm here if you need to talk, my PM inbox is ALWAYS open... to all of you. :) And keep posting here... support, even online, is invaluable. I'm glad that you have someone IRL that you can talk with, even if it's infrequently. *cuddles more*

*holds Hels, rocking back and forth with her* You'll be okay, love... please try to believe that. I know, hypocritical of me, but... :-X Maybe I should just shut up, I don't know. Is there anything you can do that will distract you right now, so you don't SI or anything? ♥

Supper's being gotten ready... don't want to eat... but I know I have to... and my brain is totally fried, can't think anymore... am still on page 5 of my paper... it's going to be total **** when I turn it in. :(

*hides in shame* :crying:

Oh, and I updated my r/v thread... again...

I am such an epic fail.

:crying:

Don't shut up. Please don't shut up? :'( You're not an epic failure sweetheart. I promise you. It's good that you're healthily expressing emotions/thoughts/whatever =) I update my rant thread all the time. Quite pathetic. I haven't cut in over a month. Threw all my blades out. Wish I had some. I want to cut to be quite honest. Could find another way of cutting, but managed not to so far :)

*cuddles up next to Helen with a fun book and a fleece blanket and her stuffed ape* I just feel so... stupid. I don't know. I'm not really expressing emotions, not IRL anyway, I don't know. I'm just sat here with a tense back and a sad look on my face, wanting to cut so badly, but not doing anything to make me feel any better. :( The paper isn't going to write itself and I've been struggling with it so much... I NEED to cut... and I didn't throw out my tools... :crying:

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.............

Don't be sorry sweetie. Try not to cut. You're putting so much pressure on yourself & it's not needed. *cuddles you*

*cuddles back* But I feel like it IS needed... or else I won't fulfill my potential, whatever the **** that means... :crying: I feel so awful. And I can't cut because Jarrod's home, but I can SI in other ways... and probably will end up doing so... I don't know. I feel so stupid.

I hate myself so much.

I'm sorry.

*hugs all*

I'm sorry you are all struggling right now. You are all in my thoughts. I'm not able to reply to you all individually - partly because of the 2.5 pages of posts that have occurred since I was in here yesterday and also because right now I just don't have the words to say.

My sister picked me up and took me over to my parents place yesterday to coincide with my parents arrival ... well not quite coincide. I stayed with the parentals and helped them unpack (the van) and organise some stuff, and made them coffee et cetera just to help out. We had dinner at my sisters place. Then my brother drove me home as he had to drop the kids off to their mother. It was a very crazy and, above all, very loud night.

It raised a lot of emotions that I don't really know how to deal with at the moment. I'm definitely feeling a little fragile. *sigh* And right before we leave to go on holiday. Oh well ... hopefully things will improve shortly .. after all (group chant!!!) it can't rain all the time.

*hugs everyone then gets into the packing and cleaning and so forth*

Oh sweetheart. Please try to take care of yourself. Please :( I know you hate yourself. But I don't hate you. I love you. I care so much about you. You're a really good friend of mine *cuddles tight*

*cuddles Kahlia lots*