April: I can't really pinpoint one cause, no. I do know, though, that at the day I started crying on "Ave Maria" I had been seeing images all day of me cutting myself open... And yeah, I do talk to Tom. A lot. He's there whenever I need him although he has his own issues himself.

I still have a job, I still have a boyfriend. Oh wait... My mother has been very touchy, maybe that's the problem. I already told her to stay the hell off of me, numerous times, and she keeps persisting as if she wants me dead. This kind of stuff is where my issues came from in the first place so I'm NOT liking at all.

I'm just doing very badly at the moment. Feeling horrible. *Complains* *Cries*

Wèèèh. I hate this.

April, bless you sweetheart. I do have to say I'm fine. Most people seem to get fed up with me when I repeatedly say I'm low etc :( So I lie. It's kinda better that way. Only a small few people see through the mask ;) *clings*

*Hugs Helen* You don't have to lie and say you're fine to us in here , we do genuinally care about each other. We all have bad times sometimes and are here to listen and support the best we can :)

*group huggle time... holds Hels and Tineke gently* Hels, sweetie, you don't have to lie here... God knows I don't... and no one's fed up with me for saying that I'm low so much - or are they? Please be honest with us at least, I don't think that anyone here minds you saying you're low. Let us help you.

Tineke, I'm sorry that you've been having those thoughts... they are so difficult to cope with. Are you taking care of the cut that you mentioned in your last (or so) post? *cuddles* It's fine to vent in here, let it out in a healthy manner... I will be stuck at the computer most of the day and so will be coming in here at various times, so I'll be able to respond relatively quickly. Please try & take care of yourself... do the best you can, anyway. What are your plans for the rest of the day??

I spy a Mark and a Laura!! *cuddles* :)

Hey Mark, what's your favorite Delain song? Just wondering... I LOVE "Frozen" and "April Rain." :D Listening to "Frozen" now... :) Can't wait to order their album(s)...

Ugh, I hate writing this sociology paper!! but at least I have (barely) three pages now... a third done. :)

*hides*

I don't have to take care of the cut. It hurts a little when I touch it but it's not bleeding or whatever. It's superficial and it's nothing to be worried about.

I hope I'll be able to go to my grandma's. I think mum's coming home at 5 so I have about an hour and a half to decide.

I was actually gonna go to Ghent to fetch books for my store now that I have money but I was so ill yesterday that I decided to stay in bed. I think I may be doing that again later today.

Work tomorrow at 1pm. Should be fine. Plenty of time to recover from today's crisis.

Edit: I was also planning to go look for my old Pokémon stuff as Tom and I had a lot of fun with a pseudo Pokéball and a small plastic Pikachu he got from one of his friends.

*cuddles everyone* I know I don't have to pretend...

We're a great gang =) I feel so old as I'm sorta an original haha, been living in this ward since late 2007 :O

I LOVE "April Rain" thats the only album I have and their first song I heard off of it but it's so hard to choose lol

I am off to accupuncture in a bit , then (food) shopping .

Lol Hels, you and I have been members for about the same amount of time but I wasn't an original in here... but I am older than you in IRL years. ;) *cuddles* So don't feel TOO old... although I suppose you are entitled to feeling a bit old. Lol.

Tineke, I hope that the rest of your day goes okay. Sounds like you have it packed pretty full of plans!! Me, just writing this soc paper then if I finish it (or if I get burnt out on it) start the health psych paper and also study for both. UGH. :( I hate life right now... it will (hopefully) be a bit better after finals week (this week) is over... two days and I (hopefully) will be done!! :D My last undergrad papers... :)

"April Rain" is a gorgeous song, Mark, but I totally know what you mean as it's so hard to choose!! I'm planning on ordering some stuff soon... but mostly books to read over the summer for psych... about transactional analysis and some stuff by Albert Ellis (founder of REBT - rational emotive behavioral therapy, basically CBT - I think, anyway!!). Blah. It should be interesting reading though, as I love the topic. :) Hope you have a good time grocery shopping... pick up some pineapple for me, would you? :D Hehe... *cuddles*

*sighs and hides once more*

Hahaha bless us April. I know I'm not that old. Only 20 after all ;) I feel older. Argh I know it's bad but I want my 21st to hurry, just so I can have my party =P

*hides and cuddles with you*

Will someone please motivate me to have a shower & tidy my room? LOL

HAVE A SHOWER AND TIDY YOUR ROOM! not really motivation but might help :P

I miss u guys *cuddles all round*

when u 21 Helen? Im 21 June 12th :D

I'll be 22 in less than a month... still young I know but older than you. ;) Hehehe... :P *cuddles Hels* We're silly yet... but as shown by Jarrod, who is 28, you can still be silly approaching 30!! So we have nothing to worry about... plenty of time to be silly still. :D

Hmmm I need to tidy my room too, go through the books I have in there and figure out which ones need to go back to my parents' house, as the books are taking up ALL of the floor space on my side!! :o I have soo many here, about 6 thigh-high stacks, plus a bin. I am such a hoarder... lol. And most of them I've not even read... shame on me. :( But I will get to them eventually. :)

Go take a shower, Hels... it will feel good... hot water cascading over your skin, relaxing you... plus you get cleaner hair that way and it will smell really good!! :D (heehee, I'm TRYING... :P)

*cuddles all*

JOCELYN!!!! I spy you!! *tackles* lol... and Hels and Mark too!! *big cuddles*

WOW!! I think that's worked :laugh: I'm not 21 til 7th March 2011 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Lucky you for being 21 in June =P I've missed you Jocyln :(

This entire post made me smile. Lol. I will go have a shower now, I'm such a good girl.. Yes you should sort through your books. My Nan is a hoarder aswell...not good sometimes but she's not tooooooooo bad :P

I can't get to the cupboard where the Pokémon stuff is probably stacked because the floor is stuffed with crap :-(

And I'm hungry. I think I'm going to eat something.

And yeah, Hels, taking a shower helps. It helped a bit with me, although that might have been because I know that part of my clothes are soaked and it'll take a lifetime for them to dry *gna gna gna*

I like being sadistic in a weird way once in a while.

*Hugs Jocelyn* Thanks for the PM back.

*hugs helen* i loved my 21st birthday party. So fun lol. *sends subliminal motivating messages for cleaning*

*hugs april* Good luck with both of your papers. Im in the same boat as you trying to finish up uni stuff for the semester. Im so glad its almost summer... and i bet ur glad that ur almost completely done!

*hugs Tineke* welcome! Im sorry to hear that you cut, but it sounds like you have a busy day planned. Hope that it is distracting

*cuddles jocelyn* hi!!! We miss you too! how have you been?

*hugs mark* hope your acupuncture goes well.

*hugs JK*

*hugs oliver* i hope that you dont have a panic attack too. I am sorry about the situation with your sister, maybe she just needs time... Its true though, you didn't do anything wrong, so don't feel too guilty.

*hugs JK* thanks hun. Im sorry about your friend and that you were triggered at the funeral. And we definitely do care here. So please dont hesitate to update us on how u are.

*waves at owen*

*hugs kat, hayley, crimson, julie and everyone else*

I can't exactly pinpoint why i feel so badly right now. I thought i was getting through things okay. I was feeling a little better about the ex situation and all... but there is this voice in my head now that keeps telling me that it is impossible for me to get better and that i am only fooling myself... Its been there since my nightmare the other night (it was only a small portion of the dream, but apparently it really stuck or something.) I dont know.. maybe im just being stupid, but it bothers me that my brain seems to keep reminding me that i am going to fail at getting better.

Well that shower was good :D

Laura, ignore the voice, it's not telling you the truth *holds you*

*sections self, into tiny padded room where nobody can get to me and i can't get out*

I can't cause trouble then.

I spy a Hels!!! *glomps* I'm glad that your shower was good... but you apparently forgot your invisibility cloak somewhere about!! :-O Lol... :D How are you feeling now? (and you CAN say "low," that's okay!! *cuddles*)

Joc, we've missed you too. How's stuff at the hospital been going? Are you still interning/working there? How has stuff in general been going? *cuddles*

Laura, hon, that "voice" isn't telling you the truth... you WILL get better, you've just got to keep having faith in that. I know that all of us in here believe that we are all capable of getting better... it just takes time, a lot of time and work, but time does heal, so the pain your ex caused you will decrease with time. I wish I could do more and say more to help... but I can offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and arms to virtually hold you. ♥ Same goes for everyone else. :)

Tineke, how're you doing now? I'm sorry you can't get to the Pokémon stuff - never really understood that or got into it, I dunno. What exactly is it? I've seen Pikachu but that's about all I know about it... lol. Pretty pathetic. I hope that you got summat tasty to eat... :)

So now our bedroom is more of a mess than ever!! I started unstacking books and currently have 2 bags full of books for my mum to take back to their house, and after finals are over I'll be sorting them & alphabetizing them on my bookshelves there. I have no bookshelves here at the apartment (which REALLY sucks) but at least I have them at my parents' house that I can still use... lol. I discovered some Jodi Picoult books that I forgot I had - my old therapist gave them to me - I have 10 total I think, maybe eleven... yeyy. Am planning on rereading ALL of them by the end of the summer. Hopefully. Well, not all of them... I just recently read Handle With Care and remember that one all too well... sad ending. :(

Anyway. Now back to my stupid soc paper... :-\ I hate it!! Right now I'm writing about deviance and sexual abuse and SI and it's kind of triggering... and I don't know if I am doing it right. I just want to get this paper DONE - it's already 4 pages long - but I also want to do a REALLY good job on it... GAHHHHH!!!!!! *screams*

*hides in shame*

*cuddles April tight* I'd want to get that paper done fast & well too. Go you for having 4 pages done so far ^_^ Keep at it, soon be over. I'm bit hyper again, blame my party song list (so far :p) Would you like to see LOL

*cuddles Vicki & everyone lots*

Sure, wouldn't mind seeing your party song list. :) I'm glad that you're kind of hyper, it will liven up the ward and also make you stay happy for a little longer. Hopefully you won't crash like I do though... *cuddles*

Just updated r/v thread... it's kind of depressing but I don't think that there are any obvious trigs. It's just low. I feel low. I feel like **** actually, and really want to cut - Jarrod's not here now and my mum's not here yet - so I could... I don't know... :-/

My NP just texted back... urgh. I don't know what she'll say in response to my text back... :-X

*hides in an invisible hole after sending Vicki some cuddles*