scarlet ~ how is it so far? i haven't seen that one...

vengenzz ~ *hugs and covers with a nice fleece blankie*

*hugs april* yeah, that makes sense. Hope you got to relax a little watching the movie at least.

*hugs helen* Good to see you back around! How r u?

*hugs franz and wonders if she would let something to cook up or mix with the spatula*

*hugs angelic monster* Its okay that you havent checked in in awhile. Good to see you though.

*wraps self in blanket and sits in corner*

*just curles up somewhere in a corner and ignores the world*

why does noithing ever run somthly for me.i give up. i feel so sick and tired got a really sore head. hmm going to curl up in corner and hide.

I sees Heather :D

Laura, I'm okay, but at the same time, I'm really not. If that makes sense? How are you lovely??

Cuddles to everyone, sorry, the posts are moving so fast that I'm struggling to read them and offer support.

haha hey you :)

*sits in corner and stares at wall whilst cuddling with teddy*

*sits in corner offers hugs to everyone*

Grampa's funeral is in two days. Having all the family down a little nervous but other than that I'm OK. I feel sad about his death but I'm not as devastated as I was that night. I know hes happy and free of pain and I find that Comforting .


Life seems difficult and Hopeless at time but what keeps us going are the one that care for us. I may not know all of you personally yet but I care for all of you deeply you help me when I couldn't help my self and I will help you guys as much as i can if you every need anything I'm here.

^ *sends hugs* sounds like a rough time.

I feel ****ing insane. Had nightmares & hallucinations & I'm not used to these things & I just need someone tot alk to & be there for me & argh.. >_<

*hugs shadowedsoul* Sorry things aren't going smoothly for you.

*hugs kiera* It would be very hard for anyone to take comfort in the idea... I know it doesnt feel like it is anyone's business but yours, I've used that ideology myself.. but the people that really care, will be very very much so affected. Please hang in there hun.

*hugs helen* Yeah, I know exactly what you mean... I'm not great, but still here.. so i guess i'm fine

*hugs deathdancer* sorry about your grandfather. Just stay strong and remember that he isnt in pain anymore... it's okay to be sad though.

*hugs accidentally abstract* Sorry that you feel insane. If you ever need to talk, you can always vent on here... or u can PM me.

I told one of my friends about some of the things that are going on. I think it was a good idea... even though my trusting-ness isn't at its highest point right now.

*leave blankets and cuddles for everyone*

*hugs everyone* - Sorry my last post was too many pages ago for me to make too much sense of things right at the moment.

I went to my GP today. I remember telling my housemate that it was against my better judgement. I haven't slept really since two days before christmas. The last four days have been ... difficult to say the least. The last three days i've been feeling incredibly nauseous and throwing up anything I tried to eat AND my medication ... which certainly isn't helping anybody. Anyway I went to the GP and tried to tell him what was going on. The problem is that when I get like this I go into a "tell no secrets, tell no lies" kind of mode. I told him that I hadn't been sleeping and I was extremely tired and he just said I looked fine and should "go home and get some sleep". I told him "I can't" and he said "you can" ... end of conversation basically because when I tried to explain things he just kept saying "go home and get some sleep".

Anyway, after seeing him I dropped around to my old residence and dropped back the keys and picked up the rental bond and some stuff that I had accidentally left behind and a couple of parcels that had arrived since I'd left. All hunky-dory there ... even if I was acting like hell.

My housemate and I stayed in phone contact this morning because he has reached a rational state and was concerned about me. Admittedly there's things he doesn't know yet, which would probably make him more concerned, but I felt that right now it's not important for him to know those things because he needs to concentrate on getting well himself. Yeah, possibly a bad judgement call, but I'm willing to wear it.

We managed to sit down and look at the household finances and have a couple of real conversations. Nice. Although it did feel a bit weird.

Anyway ... going all about me now. In a lot of ways I'm really not well. I don't know what started off the nausea but I haven't been able to eat since christmas day. I feel like I felt the first time I tried to kick my ED. Forcing myself to take little bites of something and then forcing myself to keep it down with my stomach saying "it's coming up sonny jim". The worst thing about that is the not being able to keep meds down. I rely on those meds so badly. It's now been what? 3 days since I was last able to keep them down?? This has got to be heading for danger territory. Maybe that's what's continued the lack of sleep ... idk. Anyway up until today I've also had to be extremely careful about what fluids I took in. Straight water was okay, adding cordial to it was not. Today I've managed a sports water, two powerades and a couple of cups of cordial provided that the cordial was weak. I almost collapsed on the short walk to the newsagent to get the sports water ... and several more times I must confess. I finished off the cleaning of the bathroom that my housemate had been unable to do and nearly collapsed 4 or 5 times as well as only just making it to the toilet to throw up once. Things really are not good ...

Sorry for the length of the post.

*hugs everyone again and leaves cuddles behind for everybody*

APRIL! A roast is amazing, hard work but honestly one of the best things in the world! It can be any meat but i prefer chicken. Its just roast potatoes, roast meat, veg (i like mine roasted - usually carrots and parsnips) and optional extras of yorkshire puddings, stuffing and gravy. I put way to much oil on mine so i felt very sick afterwards but it was absolutely scrumptions!

Thanks for the help DaVengenzz - i loved the scaptula dancing! hope u had a nice sleep!

Hi Heather! *offers a blanket and comes closer for a cuddle* are u ok sweetie?

Canis - du want to talk about it?? *hugs*

*rubs Shadowedsoul's back and kisses head better* whats making you feel like this hon? i can often relate to feeling like that x

Kiera - The point is that its still hurting you which isnt good and when people love and care about you it hurts them too. You might want to die now but you may be missing out on a beautiful future. I would say to u stick it out, keep fighting *hugs and kisses for a wonderful person*

Deathdancer - i think you are amazing. you are a model for us all. I'm so glad that you are able to find comfort *offers you a cup of teas, a blanket and a cuddle*

Lucy - I'm here now. That sounds like a horrible night for you *holds you close*

Well done Laura! I think thats a really brave thing to do, its always good to let friends now whats going on. *offers tea*

Oh Kahlia - everything sounds like so much atm. Well done for going to your GP and being so open, im sorry that his advice sucked. maybe u could try going back in a couple of days and trying again - persistance can help get things into these peoples heads! I'm glad ur housemate is feeling better, i hope this helps you. Is there anyone you can ask for some emotional support from? have u tried taking ur meds like an hr or 2 away from eating? and only with a little sip of water? I dont know much about ED but if u manage to jst keep ur meds in for an hr or 2 it should have entered ur bloodstream by then. how u feeling now? x x

I was struggling a little yesterday, mainly because my toddler was stressing me out in the morning but when he went to daddy's, me and mrs scarlett were able to chill out a little. I still feel a bit off though :/ a little appathetic which isnt good for me because it means i don't give a crap about myself. hey ho.

x x x x x

*hugs everyone*

I've got a cuddly kitten asleep in my lap - anyone else want some kitty cuddles? He's a very friendly kitten... :)

*gently hugs Kahlia* Sounds like you've been going through hell, love. I'm sorry that your GP didn't really listen to you... and that you're feeling so ill and unable to keep your meds down. What do you take, if you don't mind me asking? Is it mostly for psychosis, or a variety of things? I wish I could do more to help... sorry. :( I hope that things get better soon... not sleeping for that long probably has something to do with how ill you're feeling. I'm glad that you've been able to keep down some fluids... what's cordial?

*cuddles Laura* How you doing now, hun? Hopefully better... do you have any plans for today?

*hugs angelic_monster* We only watched a little bit of the film, as I get restless when sitting and watching a movie or whatever, but it's very good so far. Got us laughing in several spots. :D How's your day so far?

Canis *hugs* What's up? If you want to talk about it, I am/we are here for you...

Kiera *huggles* I used to think the same way, but when I saw how much it hurt my husband, I changed my mind. I still don't understand it, really, and I haven't stopped cutting, but it does hurt those who love us to see us hurting ourselves. Hope that makes some sort of sense...

*hugs Helen* Nice to meet you. :) And glad you're back... how're you? doing any better than last night?

*hugs Dancer* I'm glad that we could be of help to you. :) I'm still so sorry for your loss but you seem to be taking it pretty well... being sad, crying, etc., is fine... but I'm so glad that you haven't done anything drastic. Proud of you.

*hugs Jocelyn* Mmm that does sound good, although too much oil = ick. Hehe. Although if it's olive oil at least it's healthy fat. Hehe. Not much consolation, but still... :P I've never had parsnips I don't think... and I'm just getting back into eating meat after being a lacto-ovo vegetarian sicne 2006. :-/ It was an eating disordered thing and still is... but I really do like fish. *yum* Although I daresay I'm going to get sick of tuna shortly as it's been my lunch for the past few days... :-X

*cuddles Franz* How you doing today? feeling any better?

*holds Lucy* Sorry that you feel insane, love... is there anything that we can do to help?

I'm really not doing brilliantly today... I calculated my BMI for the first time in ages and it says I'm OBESE... literally... obese. I've never been at this high a weight, ever, and it's absolutely disgusting. *cries* I hate my body, I hate my life... just want to lose it and maybe I will if I eat enough and start exercising again... I'm eating more protein again, with the fish, so maybe I will lose weight instead of gaining? :'(

I'm wearing all men's clothes today... camo pants & a "twofer" - a tshirt with a longsleeve shirt under it, but it's really just one garment. This one is maroon and has a lion's head on it, says "Desolation" and has a hood too!! I feel better when I wear guys' clothes since they aren't so ****ing tight. Sometimes I wear tighter stuff (i.e., girls' clothes) but I really prefer not to. :( My husband and other guys have told me that I'm beautiful and that my curves are lovely but I don't believe them. Not at all. I think I'm as ugly as hell and that my curves NEED TO GO. Thing is, even when I was at my lowest weight, my curves were still there... just smaller. I could handle smaller curves!!!! :(

Anyway.

Ummm...

*hides* :o

EDIT - in my "Venting Spot" there is a full length fuzzy photo of me, if you want to see me... :'(

thanks scarlet, hmm everthing at the moment is too much. a freind told me she has 2 weeks to live, make it worse she is joking about it. everthing i seam to do latley just falls apart. cant do handle much more.
big hugs for april. hope your okay today hunni.

*cuddles Shadowedsoul* She's probably joking because that's her way of coping... I'd probably be joking too... I don't know though. What's wrong with her, if you don't mind me asking? *holds you* I'm so sorry that you're going through this, though... is there anyone you can talk with about it?

Thanks for the advice, Kiera. I have a regimen that my personal trainer gave me that I've been doing now and then... I'm not much of a runner (exercise-induced asthma and I don't have an inhaler) and also my hip joints go funky (I can pop them in and out)... cycling is good though. I have a gym membership (campus gym) and will be starting going there every week once classes start back up again (19 January). I have some gym buddies lined up too, so that should be good. :)

Didn't realize that about BMR. :) I nearly completed a nutrition minor so I understand what you posted, but I forgot that your BMR continues to be high. :) I'm eating more than I was, although it is a disgusting amount :( and I can't wait to start exercising more...

*hugs*

*cuddles everyone lots*

Kahlia, you really don't sound very well :( Could you see another doctor perhaps?? *gentle cuddles*

Laura, I'm feeling pretty bad today. Had a bad night, then didn't sleep til gone 6am. I feel so exhausted, my head's giving me hell and a friend of mine has lost her baby :( Just upset for her and reminds me of my own *sighs*

Scarlett, nice to meet you too =) Hope you're okay xx

Thanks for the replies guys.. I don't know why I felt insane. I guess because I'm not used to hallucinating & stuff.. I've only ever done it once before.. & I only do it because of meds withdrawal. & my nightmares had me locked up in mental homes & stuff, so I woke up feeling like I'd completely lost it.

Anyway, yeah.. Thank you *leaves squishy hugs for all*. x

thanks april,she has cancer. no i dont have anybody to talk to about it. just trying to keep myself buzy,and not to let her see that imstruggleing with this. she doesnt need my breakdown. need to atleast apear strong to her.

thanks kiera, she was told by the doctors that she wont make her next brithday,which is 2 weeks away. april there joking about death,and saying really stuiped stuff like,when she is about to die she will chuck herself off the top of the hospital building. sorry hun. i think she joking,but i wouldnt put anything past my friend. =[

sorry imgoing to shut up about this.

Hope everyone here is okay.

*walks over to dark dark corner and rocks slightly*