I just don't know if I can cope with my anxiety levels, i'm shaking like a leaf and feel so sick. I dont even know what i'm afraid of out there, and the stuff I know im afraid of is so irrational, but I can't convince myself otherwise.

*hugs kat* i know how that feels, just try taking deep breaths, nothings gonna hurt you.
lia-what sort of activities were you doing then?

Nicole- I was at campfires, kyaking (now that was funny, I was almost attacked by this moor hen because I crashed into its nest and it burst out making 'MAW!' noises at me and kinda glaring. The guy was yelling at me to reverse but I couldn't, it was pretty scary at the time, but I was hysterical with laughter afterwards). Did a lot of things really, there was an inflatable slide! Oh the joys of life. There was a sports day which me and my friends skived and hung around the campsite instead. I had a really good time over all.

If you're scared of it, it's not irrational. It's alright to be scared of things. I'm scared of public toilets, which is just plain weird. Do you have any pills you can take? Anyone that could go with you that might make you feel a bit better? If I was with you, I would do my epic breahting exercises which most people basically just end up in hysterics over and can't breath at all, but it does the trick of relaxing them!

xx

*Hugs Lia* Way to go on not S.I.ing:)

*Hugs Kat* I'm sorry you are so anxious , maybe a cup of tea would help? Cammomille or normal tea.

*Hugs Jessica* Don't worry about not giving in your tools , I'm pretty sure your Dr won't be too pissed off at you , he/she must realise it's a HUGE step.

Hey Mark *returns hugs* how are you?

xx

*cuddles everybody*

Lia & Nicole, I'm really proud you both managed not to cut whilst away.

Oh I forgot to tell you all, hope you don't mind me sharing, but it's been 11 months since I last OD'd. Might not be a big deal to some, but it really is for me, I've (obviously) had really shitty times since then & really struggled at times to not, but I still haven't. Haven't gone this long since first taking an OD.

*hugs mark, Lia, nicole, jess*
I spy helen *hugs*

hels well done on the 11months, and lia and nicole well done for not cutting while you were both away, all 3 of you should be proud of yourselves

Thank you Oliver =]

Hey Lia , I'm okay-ish still a bit flat but glad this week is over and done with . Still struggling with my S.I. though :(

*Super Hugs Helen* 11 months is a huge acheivment , I'm so proud of you :)

*hugs everyone*
lia-that sounds cool, we did raft building, and some people in our group get very competetive so we decided to make 3 rafts and see whos got furthest round the lake, one fell apart when they sat on it, one started to move then fell apart, and our one got all the way round the lake! :D it was so cool, then we just swam in the lake for ages lol.

Don't worry about it, April. =)
My friend refered me to Mercy... I'ma look at the others now. Thanks =)

*hugs everyone*

*hugs all*

Thanks Mark.

I am so tired of life. *sighs*

*congratulates Hels, Lia, & Nicole, & throws some confetti*

Sorry have been so quiet... I don't know why, really. Just have naught to say, I guess.

:(

*sits*

Hey guys.

*Hugs Lindsey, if that's ok?* What's the matter?

Hey Nicole, you ok?

*Hugs April.* You alright? I know the 'have nothing to say' mood. It's never good news.

xx

no. im having a lot of urges, and am really suicidal.

I'm trying not to purge... *sigh*

Oh Felicia *Hugs* I'm sorry you are struggling:(

*Hugs Nicole* Urges suck , I wish I could just spinkle faerie dust and make it better for us all .

*Hugs Lindsay* Life will get better for you , for us all , it WILL , try to beleive that :).

*Hugs April* It's okay that you don't have anything to say , happens to me all of the time .

How are you doing Lia? *Hugs*

Nicole, Felica, hang on both of you. You have done so well to resit those urges so far and the very fact that you are trying rather than just giving in shows you're strong and you can do it. *Hugs both of you.* Sorry I'm crap.

Hello Mark. *Returns hugs* I'm sorry you're struggling so much with your SI right now, I wish there was more I could do to help.

Eaten too much today. Disguting pig. Won't let myself eat until tomorrow afternoon. At least.

*hugs everyone.* speaking to sofi who used to be in my group and shes helping me with skills, feeling a bit better.

I'm glad Nicole. Keep fighting it. :)

*hugs lia* im trying. just had a pretty funny convo which cheered me up a bit.

Ugh, am so ****ing tired of not feeling good enough.

*curls up, rocks, & cries*

*hugs april* sorry. am too tired and triggerd to write much of a reply atm, just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you.

*hugs Nicole* Thanks, hon. It's okay. I don't need/deserve a reply anyway, but sweet of you to do so. :)

Updated r/v with more details about above post, if anyone cares enough to read it... :-X

*hugs april* of course you deserve a reply sweetie, especially if you are struggling. im just sorry it wasnt a better one.

*Hugs April* You are NOT Fat or Lazy!!
And ,
Theres nothing wrong with being the black sheep , my whole family are acheivers and I'm just depressed and on benefits so I'm a black sheep too , All us best people are :)

*cuddles Mark & Nicole* Thanks for the reassurances... I'm just in a bad place mentally right now and have no idea what to do about it. Not like I can cut - and believe it or not, but I still don't really want to.

*hides in a hole*

It's really good you don't have many urges to cut April and you do deserve a reply. You are neither fat nor lazy, and who cares if you are? Laziness saved me on camp, it was the main reason I didn't cut myself because it would have meant getting out of my sleeping bag and finding my blades and I was warm and cosy. Laziness isn't always bad. *Hugs*

x

urgh. is it wrong that i feel like this?
my friend who i met in hospital has just told me shes stopped self harming and is feeling really great. and i should feel happy for her, but i just feel jealous. shes fine whilst im stuck in this hole and cant get out. i almost hate her for it :(

*hugs Lia* But don't you see, in my case, laziness is bad. I'm so glad that it stopped you from cutting; that's wonderful... but not keeping my/our apartment clean... when I'm not working or on an internship or anything else right now... even Jarrod asked me the other day how I could NOT see that it was kind of my job to work at at least some of the household chores whilst he was away at working as I'm not otherwise occupied right now...........

:crying:

Nicole, that's not wrong of you, at least in my book. I'd be jealous of her too if I were in your position... *hugs* But you'll get there one day, hopefully soonish, and will be okay, and will understand what it's like. :)

Awwh Nicole , it's natural to feel jealous in that situation , I know you want to be S.I. free so badly , we all do, that it's hard to feel good for others when they succeed . You WILL get through this and it's good to have a friend IRL who knows S.I. from a first perspective who can help you through it .

I hope that makes sense :S

Made sense to me, Mark. *huggles* How are you doing?? Haven't spoken much about yourself for a bit, just wondering if you're okay? *curls up next to*

*hugs april and mark* thanks guys, i just feel like i should be happy for her, and im confused that i'm not :(

So freaking anxious. No reason to be, just am. And I'm probably annoying Jarrod with it too. :(

*hides in a hole again* :'(

Updated r/v again.

:crying:

*hides somewhere and prays it stops*

*hugs April* I'll read your r/v thread after I post this. I'm sorry you're having anxiety.
*cuddles everyone* I had every intention of doing tons of individuals, but my brain just won't let me.

So... In about an hour, I'm heading out to eat and going bowling with some friends for my very best friend's birthday. I haven't been in an exactly good mindset at all for a while, so this has potential to be disastrous... We will see how it pans out. I know I'm intent on trying and that's all I can do...

**** **** **** **** ****.

I have just made an incredibly bad night even worse. I sent a text, intended for my best friend, to my Dad's partner. Who like doesn't know of my past just yet (nor does my dad but intending to tell him). Oh ****, I'm half hoping she's fast asleep and/or has her phone off. Yet in a way, I want to deal with it now. Am really stressing myself out even more now. YOU ****ING IDOIT.

*huggles everybody*

Am incredibly tired.
It's 1557 (3:57 pm). Me and my housemate went to a friends 30th birthday celebratory drinks, well the start of it, at The Watermark - an expensive Restaurant/Bar - last night.

*/ Warning - talking about Dresses/Clothes - could trigger Womens/ED /*
When I got dressed I was umming and ahhing over what to wear because I'm always so self-conscious about my body/figure. Anyway I had my shower first and tried this dress on that I've never worn before because I've been afraid that it might be "clingy" or highlight bum/stomach and make me look like I'm either pregnant or this huge fat lump - you know the normal stuff. I put it on and asked my housemate his opinion and he said he looked good, but to be honest it actually felt good.
*/ End Warning /*

Anyway, while we were out and with everybody is the first time that I've been out with a group of people and haven't felt "fat".

Sorry about that. It's just really weird.

Mind you, both me and my housemate are incredibly tired today. We didn't get home until midnight and didn't really get out of bed until midday. We just don't really do late nights much, so we don't have much of a resistance to them. *shrugs*

*leaves hugs and safe love and care packages for everyone on the table*

Hels: So proud of you for making your 11 months OD free honey. *squishes*

*Hugs April* I read your R/V thread .

*Hugs Helen* I hope you can sort out your texting thing:S

*Hugs Nicole*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Kahlia* I'm happy you felt good in your dress :)

Kahlia, sounds like you had a good night yaaay and thank you for the congratulations =)

Mark, heh me too, no reply so far, I think she's working today...

Hey everyone.

Helen- Would she be the type to keep it quiet if you asked her to? I know what you're feeling sort of. My best friend found my account on here, she came on with the intent of tracking me down and read things about my past I never wanted her to know. I flatly refuse to talk about any of it with her, she's not allowed to mention it and she knows that. I also refused to talk to her for some time because I felt she had betrayed me, but since it was you who sent the text, I doubt you're mad at her. Anyway, the point is I know that '****!' that goes through your head when you first realise someone knows something you never had any intention of telling them. Something you wanted no one to know, something they can hurt you so much with and it's horrible. I don't know if that's just me since I'm the sort of person who would be quiet happy to keep everything to myself for ever and ever. Anyway, rambling now. I'll stop typing. *Hugs*. Oh and well done on making 11 months!

Hey Mark! *Hugs* How are you this morning?

Kahlia, that's a really good step! Well done, I'm so glad you managed to have a nice night out and didn't feel 'fat'. I love hearing things like that, there's hope that people are recovering and although I didn't do anything, it makes me feel less helpless somehow. :)

Hey Felica, how was the night?

I'm sorry about the bit I left on here before I went away, not the bit about going away, the rest of it. I was just having a stupid moment. I'm OK. I can do this. Alone.

xx

Hey Lia !! *Hugs* This morning I actually got up at a reasonable time , was a struggle but I did it , Drank 2 coffees and 1 energy drink and one diet pepsi lol , but I'm awake now. I just went and paid my utilities bill for the week , I HATE doing that heh. I'm Okay , a bit numb but not overly so , I am hoping that my Lithium level will let me take more Lithium to get my mood better , this morning is the best morning in weeks , I am worried that my mood will nose-dive again . Sorry ramble . How are you doing? You don't have to do this alone , we are here for you at least :)

Lia, thank you for the congratulations. I understand what you mean about feeling betrayed etc. As she IS my Dad's partner, I'm not sure if she'd keep it to herself. Well I could be wrong. The stuff I mentioned in the text, I do want to tell my Dad and herself about, just didn't intend to do it this way. Does that make sense?

EDIT: Since writing this post, I got a text back.....

I'm having a really bad day today, don't think it's going to improve >_< So going to hide in my bedroom (as I usually do) and watch DVDs I think :/ Well try to in the state I'm in :S

*glomps Mark cos I spy him!!* Well, glad you managed to get up a bit earlier than usual, even though it took all of that caffeine... lol. That sounds like me... I'd totally be drinking that much if the tiniest bit of caffeine didn't make me anxious. :( I just got up myself (it's 7am here) and I'm exhausted. Still. :( Anyway, sorry, ramble.

*cuddles Hels* I hope that things turn out okay. Will be thinking of/praying for you, hon. I'd be scared/worried if I were in your shoes as well, but maybe this is a good way to start talking about it? Definitely not the way you intended it to happen, but sometimes things like that happen... if that makes sense? and then it can act as a doorway into talking about what did happen and what you wanted to tell them. :-/ Sorry if that's a crap idea...

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad that you didn't "feel fat" for the first time in awhile!! Yey on you. :D I usually always do, just don't think about it anymore... although I have come to realize that I'm not as big as I think I am, but I still think I'm big. If that makes sense?? (I'm still kinda half asleep I think, haha.)

*cuddles JK belatedly* Hope you're hanging in there, love. Let us know how you're doing if/when you can!! <3

*cuddles Felicia* I hope that the night went okay... let us know. :)

*cuddles Lia* Mark's right, you don't need to "do this alone," you've got us. :) I hope you're really & truly okay... I'm here if you need to talk. <3

I think I replied to everyone who's written recently & if I missed someone, so sorry, didn't mean to... *cuddles everyone else* Has anyone heard from Hayley lately? because it's as if she went POOF and disappeared!! :-S Hope she's okay.

Anyway. I'm doing alright, although a bit frustrated with Jarrod yet (wrote in r/v about that I think). Guhh. Stupid life of mine. Stupid head of mine. Just want to give up... but I can't. :(

*hides in the warren, rocks, & cries some more*

*cuddles April back* It's not a crap idea. Honestly. Well I've replied, I didn't go into details but basically said a load of stuff but specifically about the flashbacks I said - "some really bad stuff happened a few years ago and is still having a bad effect on me now hence the flashbacks"

She's very worried about me, well apparently both of them are (meaning my Dad too). Bollocks. Am really scared, just waiting for her reply..