I haven't been at the point of bothering to shave in a week or so... Figured it'd be fine to go to this "black tie" party at work in a black suit w/ a silver shirt and black and silver tie... noooooo they want to have us dressed up (an attorney is dressing us up in dresses). i am self conscious enough as is without having to wear a dress and i dunno if i can talk t into letting me just wear what I planned to...
Thought picking apart paper was a constructive-ish outlet for the moment.

Go In a suit Crimson hun , I shave every so often and know how hard it can be and how triggering to run blades across yourself *Squishes*

squishes mark back. hmm im feeling really stressed out of other. i had some really stuiped thoughts today when i went out, wanted to run in front of a train, or jump off a high building. my head is so fu!ked up today its scaring me.

*Hugs Jill* I know that stuff , tbh I am there right now too, I hope you stay safe hun :)

*super squishes Mark*
Thank the Gods! They misspoke... T is covering us in "tissue paper dresses"... ugly but not terrifying.

*Hugs Crimson* Yey!! They sound ............weird lol but Yey at any rate!

hugs mark, you too hon. crimson that sound kind of cool, and fun. hope you have fun hon

The thoughts are coming back, I can't seem to stop entertaining them, in some fashion it is calming to think about, stops the anxiety, or at least pushes it back a little. I don't know what to do with these thoughts, I know how dangerous it can be to let them sit in my head and simmer, but I also know how painful it is without this comfort. I definitely belong in the ward when I am feeling this way, it is the only safe place, protect me from myself. Sorry to be a blight on the festive mood, I just don't know what to do anymore, don't think these thoughts are right, but they are so strong.

*Hugs Jeff*

*Hugs my wardies night*

*hugs Jill, Mark and Jeff*
The "dress" was atrocious... If they email us the pics they took I'll have to share in here. I think I pulled off sane and happy in them. I won the "Where's Waldo?" Gold Star Award for finding next to impossible to find files LOL :) It was fun. Complete with the attorneys serving us a 3 course meal, rolls and drinks (soda, water and sparkling apple cider rather than champagne).
On a sad note I found out at the end of the party (when she was leaving for the day) that a coworker that I worked closely with when I volunteered before I was hired (known her for 5 yrs now) has a brain tumor and they're operating soon so no one knows if she'll survive it let alone be back to work...

Have you tried writing it all down Jeff? Kind of a way of putting it all outside of yourself?

Good night Mark!

*hugs Jeff*
*hugs mark* good night
*hugs crimson* sounds like you had a great time.

I just came homw from work an hour ago.
Posted on the ED forum yesterday, cause of some fvcked up eating habits. They say I should talk with the psych about it in 3 weeks. It's going to be my first appointment. So scared. Whats going to happen with me there?

I'm annoyed :( had a crap morning. Had an appointment today (at a training thing which the job centre reffered me to sometime ago. It was at 11.30 am this morning i got there just before 11.20 am. I waited for my consultant in another room. All of a sudden i saw her, but instead of calling me she just used her hand to say come here. Anyway when i went to her desk with her she started bloody moaning at me. She said why are you late Ian!? I wasnt late at all, she said the appointment was for 11.00 am but its not because it says on the paper that she gave me 11.30 am. She was just so rude to me and unproffesional.

Then she looked at her computer and said why didnt you attend this activity i said i completely forgot which is my fault i know but that the woman spoke to me and asked me why i didnt attend and i said that it slipped my mind she said to me thats ok not to worry. But then my consultant said il be speaking to the jobcentre, great i bet my money will be stopped now! Brilliant! I'm signing on tomorrow and im going to tell them how rude my consultant was and that she had a go at me for being late when i wasnt. Totally ridiculous! I wasnt even bloody late! I wasnt rude to her at all. I'm just really annoyed though. Before i sign on im going back up to see my consultant to show her the piece of paper she gave me with the appointment time on. Its an agreement you have to sign. Sorry this was so long.

*Hugs Oliver*

*Hugs Mark* I'm so sorry about the thoughts your having, please keep safe. We are all here for you.

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Jeff*

*hugs Ian* It's not your failt that she was rude to you. It's her problem if she can't organize her appointments.

*Hugs Jeff*
*Hugs Crimson*
*Hugs Laura*
*Hugs Ian*

hugs everyone

*Hugs Louise* How are you hun?

i am tired today, looking out at the sun. - how are you

The sun is nice :)

I've just been to the gym and now I don't know what to do. It's so hard to fill my time.

*Hugs Louise*

*Hugs Lindsay*

I'm............I am fluctuating up and down. Actually happy for the first time in weeks then BOOM! depression hits me yet again and repeat...

Sorry to hear that you are fluctuating in that fashion, I know how irritating and frustrating it can be

*Hugs Jeff* Thanks , How are you mate?

Right now I am doing okay, the roller coaster ride is leveling off for a little bit. I prefer it here in the middle, neither up nor down. I hope that you can find some level ground as well.

*hugs all*

sorry I'm not around much, internet is a bugger to sort out!

*hugs ian* im sorry that she was so rude. Its not your fault it all. Sounds like a rough day.

*hugs mark* i'm sorry your mood is fluctuating so much. I know how frustrating that can be.

*hugs lindsay* Its good that you went to the gym. Hope you found something else to do - like go out for coffee or tea or something?

*hugs louise* Glad the sun is out there. we haven't seen sun here in days.

*hugs oliver* its okay, we understand. how r u doing? liking the new flat?

*hugs jeff* (if that's okay to call you jeff) Glad you are finding a middle ground for your mood. Sorry to hear that some of your thoughts were coming back. Feel free to vent here if you need to talk.

*hugs crimson* Glad you had a good time. Sorry about your friend. I'll keep them in my thoughts.

*hugs mute.scream laura* I think it would be really brave of you to talk to your psych about ED related stuff. I know its nerve-wrecking to see a psych for the first time. But they will probably just get some background information on you on the first day. Hopefully it won't be too scary.

Sorry if I missed people... I just did this page.

Now I am dreaming about SI. Great *sarcasm*

*Hugs Laura* Sarcasm is understood well here , I'm actually with you there :)

*Hugs Oliver* How is your new flat , are you living alone or with a flatmate?

*Hugs Jeff* I LOVE the Happy but I Hate the sad , usually I'm numb but recently I've been Down and because of circumstances happy , but my depression keeps hitting me down :S

Just so everyone know the happy news , Felicia and I are engaged :)

Yes we are :)

Please be happy for us :)

*hugs all*

the flat is ok thanks, and I'm living on my own, which I like, but its taking a while to get used to.

yay Mark and Felicia :)

*hugs Angel*

*hugs oliver* hope your internet gets sorted out soon

*hugs mark and Felicia* gratz! do you already have a date for the wedding?

*hugs fallingstar laura* dreams about SI can be so vivid... sorry you are having them.

*hugs louise*

*hugs jeff*

I didn't make the appointment to talk about ED stuff. I don't have an ED (I'm too fat) (I know that all ppl with ED think that, but it is true in my case.) (I know that sounds pathetic). I made the appointment so I can figure out whats wrong with me. There must be something wrong, otherwise all the bad things would have been split between my siblings and me equally, right? He always 'only' yelled at them, but he did do other things to me.

*Hugs oliver*
*Hugs Angel*
*Hugs Laura*

*hugs angel* you could still use this account but only to communicate with your friends. and use the new account for serious things?

Hey I'm going out with my Parents today , Kind of anxious , Have taken Painkillers for my hip and a Diaz so far today , thats all the solids I've had so they should work .

Hi am Alexx * waves*

*waves to Alexx* Hi I'm Mark , How are you ?

Just a few more hours before I see the doctor again, struggling with whether or not to share the details of the past few weeks. Will she freak out or just ignore me. When I called in for help two weeks ago, she just ignored what I was telling her, will she listen now? I don't know what to think, this roller coaster ride has to stop somehow. I know that it is meds issue, but I am also fed up with it.

*Hugs and waves everybody*

Emergency Pysch appointment next Friday as I've been low and suicidal Fantasys and stupid injury . It will be the 3rd different Dr in 3 visits......Nervous :S

it is understandable that you are nervous mark *hugs*

*Hugs Louise* How are you hun?

*Hugs Mors Certa*

*Hugs Angel*

Not feeling so good at the moment ... i dont know what to do.
Listening to music to drown them out ...see if that works...
So unsafe right now .

There is a vein on my left hand *Trigger warning.
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That I almost NEED to hit
Sorry. I wonder if I could push a scalpel blade all the way through my hand ..?

*hugs all* I'm sorry so many of you are struggling, please all stay safe, you mean so much to me, every single one of you.

*safe cuddles for all who need them*

cuddles mark gently. no sweetie please try and keep yourself safe.

~hugs everyone~ - i am sorry that is people not feeling great - here if you want to talk.

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Lindsay, Louise and Jill* how are you all?

hugs oliver - i am so so. how are you

I feel out of it, like distant.