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Doikers 16-08-2010 09:13 PM

Heee Thankyou Crimson *Huggles*

Scarletdreamer 16-08-2010 09:56 PM

Congrats Mark!!! *glomps* :D One week is amazing, especially since you've been struggling so much lately. <3 Oh, and that does sound like a lovely gift basket. :)

Hels, glad to hear that you're still fighting on. Loved what you said on FB the other day, too, on your status. How you'll never give up. Even if you don't FEEL like that now I hope that you will still ACT on what you said. :) *cuddles*

Laura, PM me if you need, 'kay, hon?? The same goes for you, Crimson... wish I could help make it better. There still is a point to many things... I don't know what you're struggling with right now so I can't help you really, but as I said, feel free to PM me as well. <3 to both of you.

Nicole, glad that therapy went okay. :) Is the change that you see a good one? I hope so. *cuddles*

Felicia, I hope that the transition back to uni isn't too bad for you. We're here if you ever need to vent/rant, as you know!! <3 How are you doing tonight? Hopefully you & your bestie have a good time. :) *huggles*

Sorry for those I missed, 'cause I know I missed some... just wanted to get at least a few individuals out there. :-/

Scarletdreamer 16-08-2010 10:00 PM

GRRRR I am so tired... and kind of pissed off at med side effects. Just want to go punch something, which is rather uncharacteristic of me. Also didn't get a lot done as far as the job app goes, which is another reason why I'm p.o.'d. :'( Feel so damn useless.

In other news, Jarrod & I are going to be going on a date tonight... I think. I hope. It's been awhile since we've been out, together, just us... or at least, a bit, lol. Feels like longer than it actually has been, I guess; I'm not sure why.

I need to update my r/v soon. :(

SoMuchMore 16-08-2010 10:46 PM

*hugs helen* im glad to hear that you are fighting despite everything. thats really really good. Very proud of you for that. And thanks, i thought some individuals should get thrown in the mix again, especially since everyone seems to be struggling right now and we all need and deserve support :)

*hugs nicole* nobody should have to deal with any type of abuse though... especially from family. try not to compare situations though, its all relative really.

*hugs mark* great job on 1 week! and that present sounds great. glad that you are doing okay right now.

*hugs april* have you talked to your np or anyone about your med side effects? Im sorry that they are so bad. Hope that your date with jarrod goes well! You are NOT useless in the least though hun.

*hugs crimson* hope you are okay/okay as can be right now.

I know cognitively that slipping up doesnt make me a failure... Its just that I cant seem to stop myself from slipping up ever. I just felt so damn destructive. Wish I wasn't like this sometimes. O well though, can't change it i suppose.
Now im just procrastinating work *tells self to get going*

time to change 16-08-2010 11:13 PM

first of all *massive hugs to everyone*
going to do a few individuals, there's so much gone on, so sorry for missing some people, still havent had a chance to read everything yet...

doikers, well done for the week free!!! a week is a big achievement, keep going!!!

nicole, it's ok to complain, even if other people do have worse families, yours can still get on your nerves at times, and you're getting it off your chest.

laura, you haven't failed. as others have said, we all slip up from time to time, just take a deep breath and start again. things happen, and we deal with them the way we have learnt to, but in time you will find other ways.

scarletdreamer, thanks! and hope your date goes ok. your side effects should ware of soon, shouldn't they? and tomorrow is a new day regarding the job application.

felicia, thanks, i will feel better soon, as they say, time is a healer. sorry to hear you cut last night, your room mate sounds erm... nice... hope you a feeling a bit better.

once again, sorry for not replying to everyone, hope you are all ok.

i slipped up again tonight, had to go to minor injuries. i could have floored the doctor, he was so mean and patronising... urgh. makes me wonder why i go... but start again tomorrow. have beeen playing on my new wii fit, trying to distract myself. told my self i wasn't going to eat, but am going on a massive binge instead, just bought a huge takeaway :/ . i just know i'm going to feel so bad after, but i can't help it... doesnt really help that i have like no food in, cos i was meant to go asda, but ended up going to the hospital instead... but enough moaning.

i'm here if people want to take, and *hugs everyone again*

steph
xxx
xx
x

Kahlia1981 17-08-2010 12:03 AM

*huggles everybody*

Firstly, apologies for the lack of individuals - three pages since I was last on here and I don't want to confuse anyone ...

Steph - Welcome back.

Laura - The book is "Where's Bin Laden: CIA Undercover Edition". I'm also awaiting "Foundation and Empire" (Asimov), "Smoke and Mirrors" (Neil Gaiman) [my parents christmas presents] & "Management 5" (Pearson Education) [for my uni course this study period]. When it finally gets published in 16 days or so I'll also have "I Shall Wear Midnight" (Terry Pratchett) on it's way to me. Sorry that was such a long answer lol.

I'm getting really excited in some ways because I'm getting really close to the 2 year SI free milestone. I know that I can make, now I just have to prove to the world that I am right!!

MammaMia 17-08-2010 12:33 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Mark, congratulations on one week free :)

April, Laura, thank you ladies. I liked what I wrote too April. I'm not going to let it beat me =]

Kahlia, oh that excites me!!!! I'm nearly 6 months free since I cut & nearly a year since I last took an OD aha.

Kahlia1981 17-08-2010 01:27 AM

*huggles all*

Mark: Congratulations on one week free! *hugs you*

Helen: It feels really good to make a "big" milestone - or to even come close to it doesn't it.

But there's one thing we should all remember: Every second, every minute, every hour, every day that we spend free from self injury is an achievement. An achievement that we can look back on and say "I have done this, and I have done this for myself, and I can do this again!".

MammaMia 17-08-2010 02:39 AM

It really does & I agree with what you've said :D

risenfromperdition 17-08-2010 02:39 AM

ugh =\ so i made a relatively healthy dinner, but then ended up binging after =[ and my aunt made grilled cheese for lunch =\ fatgrossicky =s *curls up and sighs*

risenfromperdition 17-08-2010 02:41 AM

*hugs laura and everyone else who wants*

risenfromperdition 17-08-2010 02:42 AM

god i wish i was going back to uni next week.... =[
even if i do go to community college... still hafta deal with all this sh*t =\

SoMuchMore 17-08-2010 05:13 AM

*cuddles heather* I wish i could wave a wand and make all this stuff go away. You are a beautiful, kind, sweet, caring person. Don't you forget i said that.

*hugs helen* wow so close to 2 milestones! great job!

*hugs kahlia* thats a lot of books lol. Sounds like some interesting reads. So proud of you for almost reaching 2 years too. Thats so exciting!

*dusts off the containers of confetti in preparation for both kahlia and helen* I feel like i havent thrown any confetti in awhile, good thing i remembered where it was stored lol.

*hugs steph* im sorry to hear that you slipped up again. Glad that you went and took care of the wound, even though the doctor was mean. Don't let that stop you from getting the help you need though.

Found out tonight that people talk about me an awful lot behind my back.... funny... nobody ever asks me how I am or what my take on any situation is but apparently they speculate a lot. that's just f*ckin great.

Kahlia1981 17-08-2010 05:45 AM

Laura: Yeah it's a truckload of books lol. I'm really excited about some of them because I'm going to be able to get my parents christmas presents for the first time in approximately 5 years and one of the books I got them has been "missing" from their collection for years. I cut my teeth on things like the full works of Shakespeare and Asimov's Foundation series so when I heard one book was missing I decided to replace it!

I'm sorry to hear that people are spending so much time talking about you behind your back and speculating about how you are and what you are thinking in situations. :-( *cuddles*

*cuddles Heather* Sorry it can't be more sweetness and delight. I guess all that I can do is echo Laura and remind you that you are a beautiful, kind, sweet and caring person. You are loved, don't forget that.

Doikers 17-08-2010 10:13 AM

*Hugs April* Hmmm sorry you are struggling :( ,but enjoy your date with Jarrod tonight :)

*Hugs Steph* I'm sorry you slipped up

*Hugs Kahlia* Nearly 2 years is huge!! Yey for you :)

*Hugs Helen* 1 year and 6 months respectivly are massive , way to go !!

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Laura*

A Huge Thankyou to you all who have congratulated me on my week S.I. free :)

MammaMia 17-08-2010 01:33 PM

I've had a really bad night. I went to sleep sometime before 10pm, woke up just after 11pm. Then couldn't nod back off to sleep til gone 4am. During all that time, my head starts being wonderfully **** :D Managed to sleep until 7.25am and eventually fell back to sleep about 8.30 until nearly 1pm. Now I'm betting I'll be not sleeping til late again (Y) I'm in a very low mood today. **** it all.

*hugs everybody*

Detour. Derail 17-08-2010 01:54 PM

*skoots in and sits quietly watching*

Louise 17-08-2010 03:05 PM

Hi everyone

Doikers 17-08-2010 03:41 PM

Oh Helen I'm sorry you had such a monumentally **** night *Hugs*

*Hugs Lex* *Watches Lex Watching me :)*

*Hugs Louise*

Detour. Derail 17-08-2010 03:48 PM

*hugs back* i need some cuddles pwease :(

Doikers 17-08-2010 03:55 PM

*Extra Super Hugs Lex*

Louise 17-08-2010 04:14 PM

*hugs Lex*

MammaMia 17-08-2010 04:18 PM

*cuddles everyone*

frenchhorn 17-08-2010 04:51 PM

*hugs all*
sorry i've not replied or updated you yet, but Alex broke up with me last night when I got back to manchester and then found out from a mutual friend he has been sleeping with some woman for the last few weeks, so I'm really ****ed off and angry, plus I found out most of the stuff he said was lies to me, I will reply and update you all soon, just need to get my head sorted

PoisonedApple 17-08-2010 04:54 PM

awww Oliver *cuddles* I'm sorry.

Doikers 17-08-2010 04:55 PM

Oh Oliver I'm sorry to hear that :( *Big Hugs* Take your time getting your head sorted out.

MammaMia 17-08-2010 05:04 PM

Sorry to hear that Oliver =[ *hugs*

SoMuchMore 17-08-2010 06:33 PM

*hugs oliver* i'm so sorry to hear that. remember we are here if you need to vent/rant about anything.

*hugs mark and crimson* how r u guys?

*hugs helen* i'm sorry that you didn't get to sleep very well last night. Whenever I can't sleep i get in a very low mood as well. hope that you are doing okay-ish today.

*hugs louise* how r u doing?

*hugs lex* whats wrong hun?

*hugs kahlia* that is awesome that you are able to get a present for your parents. It sounds like the perfect gift.

I'm still upset about how much people have been talking about me rather than to me... for some reason it is really really bothering me. I guess it reminds me of some situations from when i was younger, like ages 11-14. Really anxious right now too, combination of test anxiety for tomorrow and just me being upset and low.

MammaMia 17-08-2010 06:53 PM

Still really low Laura, but been busy all of this afternoon, so that's something I suppose. Just want my best friend =[ *cuddles* Sorry you're feeling so bad.

Doikers 17-08-2010 07:07 PM

*Hugs Laura * It sucks being talked about :( I hope your anxiety comes down soon .

*Hugs Helen*Sometimes being busy is good :)

MammaMia 17-08-2010 07:32 PM

*hugs Mark* Indeed..

Detour. Derail 17-08-2010 08:13 PM

Oliver Im sorry to hear that :( I hope you feel better soon xo

it sucks to be me. I do stupid freakin' stuff. Like thinking an appropriate response to "your nanas really poorly and has just come out of hospital...we didnt want to tell you coz we thought it would upset you" is to go get, get **** faced and start an argument with a bouncer 8 times the size of me because he wont let me back in the club and its raining. As well as others stuff that I cant quite remember....they are blurs....like chattingup a barman to get free shots...
WHY DO I DO THIS?!?!?!?!
Im such a freakin' ****. GR

Doikers 17-08-2010 08:47 PM

Oh Lex I'm sorry to hear about your Gran:( and your "Bouncer incident" :S you're not a **** , you just had some bad news and needed to , one way or another, get out of your head for a little while , we all do it , through drink or S.I. or whatever, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it *Huggles*

Detour. Derail 17-08-2010 08:55 PM

I was sat outside in the smoking area as well with my mate...and these two guys came over and one of them hit it off really well with her and the other guy was talking to me and coz i was drunk...i wasnt watching my mouth and next minute he went "So are you bi-polar or do you just crave attention?" and I didnt know whether to laugh cry or punch in in his smarmy mouth

MammaMia 17-08-2010 09:11 PM

*cuddles Alex and Mark*

Doikers 17-08-2010 10:07 PM

*Hugs Helen Back*

*Hugs Lex*

taz35 17-08-2010 10:19 PM

*hugs everyone tightly*

I just woke up, been sleeping since I got home from my wisdom teeth removal... still pretty drugged up, so I won't attempt individuals. Psych eval didn't happen this morning because he was running late and I had my surgery to get to...

Next week hopefully. I'm wandering back off to bed.

*lots and lots of hugs to everyone*

frenchhorn 17-08-2010 10:34 PM

hi all
thought I would update you on my music course week like I promised

so went to my music course as a girl, was really hard. went to the pub one night and just couldn't talk to people, because I felt like such a fraud, so I just stood on my own freaking out.
so when we got back to the school we were staying at I was really freaking and couldn't keep going like that, so was pacing the corridor outside my room because I was sharing with someone and didn't want to disturb her (so I was in the girls block), a member of staff saw me and asked what was wrong. So I started saying I'm not being me here I'm just lying and I can't take it. She asked what I meant, but I just couldn't get the words out to say I'm trans. So eventually she said look I've heard something about you and asked if that was true, so I said yes and she just said ok if you want us to call you a different name then that is fine we will do and she said that all the other staff sort of knew (and in fact the conductor had come up to me the day before and asked if I prefer to be called Oliver these days)
so next day this staff member has told all the staff and someone in my section, and conductor starts calling me Oliver in rehearsals, she also tells my friend(who I was sharing with) to explain why I was moving rooms.
so everyone in the orchestra starts to know and saomeone in my section said rumours had been going around at the easter course, so eeryone knew!! so got to wear the male concert dress, I love bow ties, everyone found it funny cos I was the only one to go back on the coach in it and sat up watching a film in common room in it, staff thought it was sweet.
so it turned out ok and the scary director lady I was worried about gave me a big hug and said she admired me and I had to come back next year because my playing is amazing
so stuff was going ok until I got back last night to being dumped, well was basically dumped by text while i was on the train back, then had to see him to talk, then went to friends flat, a mutual friend, who let slip about the 49 year old woman he has been sleeping with for the past week.
I feel so angry and hurt right now, I want to kill him. I have to see him at uni and bound to bump into him in the next few weeks and the woman is here in manchester, she was over at his last night after I left.
**** sorry for my ranting, I promised an update also sorry there are no individual replies my head is so ****ed up right now and I havn't caught up with everything so meh.
*cuddles to you all*

MammaMia 17-08-2010 10:40 PM

Taz, hope you're feeling better soon.

Oliver, glad the course went well & they let you be who you really are :D That's really good & everything. Again, really sorry to hear what's happened between you & Alex. I'm sorry he's treated you like that. We're here to support you if you want to talk/rant/etc about anything :) Don't worry about individuals, think everyone's really struggling and not doing them. It's okay...just wish we weren't all struggling so much.

Scarletdreamer 17-08-2010 11:41 PM

I'm in a really bad headspace right now. Had a mini flashback/intrusive thoughts thanks to a book I was reading, which I forgot had scenes of SA in it. :( So now I'm triggered... but the good news is, I still don't really want to cut. Yey. But I feel so... spacy & zoned out.

I'll try to do individuals soon. I'm really sorry for being so out of it lately. Have been thinking of you all lately though. Sorry for no cuddles, I think if I touched someone I would scream at the contact. :(

Kahlia1981 17-08-2010 11:46 PM

*huggles everybody*

Sorry in advance for the lack of individual replies.

Oliver: I'm really glad that the orchestra course worked out so well for you, but I'm really sorry about what happened when you got back. :-( I know that you are feeling hurt and angry, but maybe you can concentrate on the feeling of wearing the male concert dress? Just from the way you have talked about it it sounds like that was almost a dream come true for you, so it might be something to hold on to ... I don't know, just an idea.

*leaves big hugs and safe love and care packages for everyone*

Scarletdreamer 18-08-2010 12:28 AM

Updated my r/v... I hid the SA trig stuff & put a warning up for it... am really really NOT doing well tonight.

:crying:

SoMuchMore 18-08-2010 03:33 AM

*hugs taz* hope your wisdom teeth.. or lack there of actually... feel better soon. I hated having mine out 2 years ago.

*hugs helen* Glad that you've been keeping busy but sorry you're still really low. here if you need to talk

*hugs oliver* don't worry about the lack of individuals, we understand that you're going through a lot right now with alex. I'm sorry that he treated you like that.. thats horrible.
Its really good that you got to be yourself at the music course though! I'm really happy for you about that.

*hugs april* i'm sorry that you were triggered by the book. I read your r/v. I don't really know what to say hun, but i'm here if you need to talk. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

*hugs mark*

*hugs lex* I agree with what mark said about not beating yourself up about the other night. Also, what that guy said was really insensitive. I'm sorry that he said that. Don't take that too personally either, he sounds like he was just acting uneducated.

Found out that tomorrow, on top of taking that 4 hour exam, I also have to restart work in the evening. it's going to be a long day. My evening has been full of anxiety attacks over everything... I just want to SI over and over.

Can I please just disappear now :-(

I'm sorry we are all struggling so much. I'm sorry to whine about my nothing.

risenfromperdition 18-08-2010 04:00 AM

no disappearing lovely <3 try to keep fighting, i promise its worth it to fight <3

oliver- im sorry bout being dumped, but im glad it sounds like all the staff and people at your camp were supportive and you got to be yourself =] i agree with kahlia [i think >< cba to go back to last page] maybe try to focus more on the fact you got to wear the male concert dress etc? i dunno.

*offers safe cuddles in a jar to april if want* i'll go read your rant <3

*hugs alex* i agree, try not to beat yourself up- you were dealing with the bad news- obviously not in a good way but <3 message me on fb if u want

gah i cant focus. and i gotta get off in like 10 minutes and i hate this... i cant sleep, and then i just sit in my room by myself and end up thinking and tbh the only reason i havent cut yet is cuz i cant do it where i wanna and it doesnt feel as good anywhere else. and im sick of everything and dont wnana be home anymore and dont even have anything to look forward to... im only going part time to the community college cuz if you're not degree seeking you cant go full time [dumb] so will only be there monday and wednesdays [all day... which is gonna suck cuz will HAVE to eat in public or can just avoid eating... great] and i still dunno bout insurance and i just... grr. i gotta get up at 9 again... which i guess is lateish but when i have nothing to do the day just ****ing stretches out for AGES and if i dont get up at 9 dad refuses to pay for college... >< only good thing is i dont have any tuesday night classes... if i had to not go to group AND deal with all this... yeah. though i always feel like everyones looking at me going 'well at least i dont look like her ><' but everyone on facebook's talking bout going back to uni and =[ *screams*

*stops whining*
hope everyone has a better day tomorrow <3

SoMuchMore 18-08-2010 04:22 AM

*cuddles heather* you don't have to worry about whining here, we'll always listen. i'm sorry that you have so much going on right now with uni and family stress.

risenfromperdition 18-08-2010 04:32 AM

thanks laura <3

Kahlia1981 18-08-2010 07:29 AM

*huggles everyone*

We got our new modem/router today and since we've configured it my email isn't working. My housemate says he'll take a look when he gets home but it's kinda pissing me off because there could be some stuff in one of the accounts that I really need, and that account I can't check online.

On the good side the first of my books arrived today!! The postie actually rode halfway back up the street on his motorbike because it somehow got missed the first time which was pretty cool.

Also our oven has pooped itself. We figured it was something to do with the thermostat and we were right. The electrical guy came and pre-heated the oven today to 250C then took a look at the thermostat and it was "clicking" at 150C. The piece the tells the thermostat it is too hot has carced it and has to be replaced but it's going to take 5 to 10 business days if the part is able to be found in Australia!! That frigging ridiculous. I can have a book - which is definitely bigger than that part would be - here from the UK in 7 business days!

Sorry about that, I'm sure none of you were interested ...

*leaves hugs and safe care packages for all*

MammaMia 18-08-2010 09:56 AM

Can't do anything right. I can't cope anyway. *curls up and cries*

Laura, I hope your day goes okay & no disappearing sweetie.
Kahlia, wow that sucks about your cooker =[ Hope they find what they need real fast :)

*cuddles everyone*

time to change 18-08-2010 10:20 AM

sorry for no individuals, but i am thinking of you all :).

feeling really bad atm, its like everything is in slow motion, but really loud. i want to be angry, i dont know what at, but in my head i know i need to be angry, but for some reason i am unable to. sorry if this is making no sense... i am shaking as well, so if there are a load of spelling mistakes, i apologise. going to see my cpn in an hour, think i might be going back in hoaspital... oh well, if it helps...

sorry everyone is feeling so down at the moment, i have read all the messages but my brain cant seem to function to write the replies.

anyways, if i do go hospital, i willl write when i get out, or if not, i shall post later.

*sends loves and hugs to everyone who wants and needs them*

steph x

Kahlia1981 18-08-2010 10:42 AM

*hugs all wardmates*

Am going to crash for the night because it's been a long and stressful day but just wanted to tell you all that I'm thinking of you and sending you *gentle caring hugs* if you are able to accept them and *safe love and care packages* where needed. You are all beautiful and brilliant people and are loved deeply. Please take care of yourselves because you would be missed deeply should anything untoward happen to any of you,


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