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Scarletdreamer 04-07-2010 11:43 PM

The following content has been hidden - Reason : ed/sui trig
i feel a binge coming on. i hate this, hate what kind of "monster" i turn into... eating and eating... i've never had a "true" binge but i've had "mini-binges" and it's all awful. i hate myself so much for it. :'( i just want to stop being eating disordered, stop being so ****ing messed up, just stop being. :'( only i'm not brave enough to kill myself, even though it would probably be for the best.


anyway. i'm at my parents' place, happy mask on tight, just for tonight and tomorrow... daniel will be staying here for awhile, which is really good... i guess... so he doesn't get fleas again. grrrrr. i just feel so rubbish. i hate feeling this way. i hate worrying about fleas getting on my parents' cat and dog... hate hate hate worrying.

sorry for the lack of individual responses, except to say:
luke, sorry that the mh system there isn't being that helpful. :(
laura, glad that you had fun!! but sorry your ex is back & it's awkward. :(
hels, glad you're hanging in there. :) anything we can do to help make things easier?
lia, how're you doing, love?

*cuddles all who want 'em* :)

risenfromperdition 04-07-2010 11:52 PM

*holds april and laura*
im useless atm, but will try and do indiv replies in a bit

I'mJustMe 04-07-2010 11:53 PM

April- It will not be best if you killed yourself and I am not impressed :P You can't help the binges, it's part of the illness and something you will have to work to get past. It's not going to happen over night and of course there are going to be slips. Do try to hold on though, find a distraction or something. Watch a movie, that always distracts me. Or write. Or talk to the people you're with.

Laura- Sorry about your ex. You could have some fun though...prank call him and tell him he's going to die in seven days. It will be expecially effective if he's seen 'The Ring'. Or maybe you should just leave him, don't want to get arrested for harrasment...

April- I would tell you I'm bang-tidy, but I know you won't believe me. Right this very second in time, not that bad, but in general, falling apart. Splititng at the seams and dying inside. That is the first time I have ever told the truth at that question.

xxx

I'mJustMe 04-07-2010 11:53 PM

Oh hello Heather, *hugs* what's up?

xx

I'mJustMe 05-07-2010 12:10 AM

Sorry for lack of reply, this is a goodbye message. Not like that though. Just a goodnight.

I am off to bed now since I have my first day of work experiacne in the morning. Bloody school, aren't GCSEs enough? Kinda looking forward to it actually, been going out my mind with bordem and general annoyance staying here with the fam.

Night all. Stay safe.

xxx

MammaMia 05-07-2010 12:12 AM

Luke & Lia - I am Helen :) Goodnight Lia, I remember when I did my work experience, hope it goes well & you enjoy it =D

Laura & April, well I was hanging in there but the emotional pain has just hit me out of nowhere, am crying. Blah. Never mind. Just not having a good at the moment. Suicide thoughts, been struggling with anxiety, split up with my boyfriend - had a huge row with him, still not heard from him since and just want him to care, think I'm losing one of my longest (known her since we were 11) friends and worried about one of my best friends who's been having suicide thoughts too & urges to cut (like I have) UGH.

Can I give up now :(

MammaMia 05-07-2010 12:41 AM

I am going through a lot but it's nothing new. We should keep going together :D

I'm bit of an insomniac, however having a good spell with sleeping right now *knocks wood*

Kahlia1981 05-07-2010 12:45 AM

*huggles all*

still here and still kicking. still anxious and still struggling (si, ed, suicide urges)
so.damn.over.it.

it's almost 10 am on a stupid local public holiday - show day - and i wish it was just all over.

meh.

sorry. been rude. hello to luke. in the way of insomnia you are talking to someone who can take two packets of stillnox and still not sleep a wink - severe sleep disorder that no-one knows how to treat. meh. c'est la vie.

sorry everyone has been struggling, and i'm not able to support at the moment. just wanted to say thank-you to all for your support.

*leaves safe hugs and care packages on the table before disappearing into the garden to play with puppy sinclair* - really need some puppy-love as am missing my little babygirl badly

MammaMia 05-07-2010 12:55 AM

Kahlia, *big hugs sweetheart* Wish I could do something more for you sweetie :(

That sounds really sucky Luke :( I can be cranky, definitely am first thing in the morning if people are stupid enough to enter my room, but not leave me alone and stuff aha!!! *big hugs*

Scarletdreamer 05-07-2010 01:26 AM

i'm so tired right now... guhhh... :'(

ed urges are strong. i don't know how i'm going to make it through it this time... thank God it's almost bedtime. :( i hope i'll be able to sleep.

i had a fun time earlier quoting bits and pieces of "alice in wonderland" to my parents. well, my mum. she thought i was being hilarious. :P didn't remember too many bits but what i remembered actually cracked me up which is very rare. heh.

am feeling very on-the-edge.... :-/

SoMuchMore 05-07-2010 07:32 AM

*hugs luke* I graduate next may... less than 1 year. Then I can move far far away for graduate school. I'm glad that you like your psychologist. But you are definitely worth saving, no matter how bad the mh system is.

*hugs lia* lol yea i would prefer not to get arrested, as fun as some pranking would be. Hope you slept well.

*hugs helen* No you cannot give up! It sounds like you have kind of a lot going on right now. It really sucks when negative emotions catch up with you.

*hugs heather* you okay hun? message me if you need/want to.

*hugs april* Glad you had a laugh and hope that you are able to sleep. Try to fight those urges.

*hugs kahlia* I'm sorry things aren't getting any easier for you hun.

*hugs everyone else*

Well... anyone want to give me some advice via PM? It shouldn't be triggering as it has nothing to do with SI or anything like that. I'm kind of embarrassed to type it out in here though.

And my mom is bouncing in and out of the hospital... she's finally been diagnosed though, so thats good... the bad news is that there isn't anything they can do. They just hope she gets better over time and give her lots of pain meds. Supposed to go home later this week if I can find a substitute for work. I hope someone can, I feel bad that my dad and sister have to do all the work with her, while I'm away at uni.

risenfromperdition 05-07-2010 07:44 AM

here if you want hun <3

am fine mhm.
:P
*runs away before can be told off for writing un-writeable word :P*

Kahlia1981 05-07-2010 07:59 AM

heather - the word "fine" is okay - as long as you really are fine. we just want to encourage people to say how they are really feeling and not hide behind the word "fine". sorry if you feel you can't use the word. :-( me bad person. :-(

risenfromperdition 05-07-2010 08:08 AM

lol i meant it as in the 'f.i.n.e' way so :P

*snuggles with* how you doing hun?

SoMuchMore 05-07-2010 08:13 AM

heather- i fb messaged you *hugs* Its okay if you don't really have any advice or anything... i just am confused.. again.. i feel like that is my tag phrase lately.

*hugs kahlia* I'm reading your support thread. I hope you are able to make it to the hospital to see your psychiatrist. Sorry that your anxiety is so high... that sounds really awful, especially as you cant pinpoint a reason

risenfromperdition 05-07-2010 08:26 AM

*snuggle* <3

Doikers 05-07-2010 09:09 AM

I came back to my flat today ON My dads birthday , I Was struggling so much at my parents though thinking of cutting a lot , a LOT but to come away ON my Dads Birthday , I'm a terrible son , Terrible ,terrible , terrble , !!!!!!!!I HATE myself sorry

Hi Luke welcome :) I'm Mark.

I need to sleep just a quick nap for Mark . I was up early to travel early to my flat am tired.

*Group Hugs*

xxjuliexx 05-07-2010 09:37 AM

*offers hugs to mark*

Kahlia1981 05-07-2010 10:05 AM

heather - i love the acronym f(ucked up) i(nsecure) n(eurotic) e(motional). i even have an emoticon with it on that i used to use all the time. lol.

laura - yeah, i think it actually makes it worse because i can't find a reason. like if there was a reason there might be something i could work on to lessen it, but without a reason we sort of have no idea what to do if that makes sense.

still very anxious. my housemate thinks i'm paranoid. we went for a walk up to the local shops and i was jumping at car noises - we have to walk down a main street - and people and other "normal" noises. inside the shops i jumped everytime a phone rang and stuff like that and the other customers were laughing and smiling at it which was distressing to me.

psychiatrist on wednesday which means bus trip to hospital. both big stressful events on their own. it's a morning trip so i guess a xanax with the morning coffee. *sigh* so over this

risenfromperdition 05-07-2010 10:43 AM

good luck w/ appointment <3

Kahlia1981 05-07-2010 10:47 AM

thanks heather.

*big hugs* to everyone

Doikers 05-07-2010 10:54 AM

Kahlia , I Just wanted to say my good luck wishes for your appoinment on Wednesday too*Hugs*

MammaMia 05-07-2010 11:05 AM

*big hugs to everyone*

Kahlia1981 05-07-2010 11:12 AM

mark - thanks. *big hugs* hun, i'm sorry you had to leave your parents when you did but it doesn't make you a bad son. you were struggling and you made a decision in order to keep yourself safe. it's unfortunately one of those decisions you'll come up against quite a few times in your life.

*hugs julie* - sorry i missed you before

Kahlia1981 05-07-2010 11:12 AM

*glomps helen*

MammaMia 05-07-2010 11:25 AM

*glomps Kahlia right back*

Scarletdreamer 05-07-2010 11:38 AM

*glomps Luke since he's the only one around to glomp* :P How are you doing today? And I agree with whoever said it earlier - no matter how bad the mh system is, you are worth saving. Please try not to do any stupid things... I'm a bit worried about you. :-S

*huggles Hels and Kahlia* Hels, how are you doing? holding it together still? And Kahlia, I'm sorry about the really upped anxiety without any known cause... hopefully it will disappear shortly as quickly as it came. :(

*hugs Julie* How are you doing, sweetie?

*cuddles Mark* You are NOT a terrible terrible person, love. Definitely not. You're a man who is struggling greatly with issues that are very hard to deal with, especially all the moreso because apparently in the UK (so it seems) these issues are less likely to be talked about without stigma. *extra special healing hugs*

*huggles Lia* Hope you're doing a bit better today. I'm so sorry that you're feeling the way that you are - PM me anytime if you feel like it would be worth it... I can try and help. I wish that I could do something to make you feel better... and thank you so, so much for being willing to open up a teeny little bit. :) *extra special encouraging hugs*

*cuddles everyone else she forgot, apologizes, and then pops down into her warren to read for awhile*

OH *pops back out* Forgot to say how I was doing, if anyone cares that is. :-S
The following content has been hidden - Reason : "ed trig
Slept really well last night, didn't binge as I wanted to, but now I want to again, which means that I'm gonna want to purge too. :(
But other than that I'm okayish. For now. I don't know how long that'll last... I don't really want to go back to our apartment as I'm scared I'll get low there, since the lighting is not at all what it's like here at my parents'. And I think lighting has a LOT to do with how my mood is :( it's really dim at our apartment since we only have 40watt fixtures, and at my parents' it's much much brighter. So GRRRRR on stupid landlords for making stupid apartments stupidly dim!!!! :'(

*hides again*

MammaMia 05-07-2010 11:43 AM

*cuddles April* We all care how you're feeling. I certainly do. *cuddles tight* Try to stay safe sweetheart.

xxjuliexx 05-07-2010 12:10 PM

-sits in a corner and looks at the new person in the ward-

CrazyHayley 05-07-2010 12:20 PM

*toddles into the common room and plonks herself in a random spot that seems appealing*

Hey everyone, sorry but I've not been able to catch up on the weekends posts, grief has a negative effect on my M.E symptoms and so it makes things like this extra hard for me. Cried for the first time yesterday, the prayer in church set me off. Its at times like these that my faith is really tested, which is scary as my faith is what has kept me alive all these years. Got Circle tonight which should be interesting to say the least. I'm glad I have reggie, at least I can talk to someone, even if that someone is a bunny rabbit!

Blah...can't even work out what I want to say or why I came in here....

*waves at Owen in the corner* Hey you, do you want to play something to keep us distracted?

xxjuliexx 05-07-2010 12:28 PM

-shuffles over to Hayley and sits next to and pulls out a indiana jones movie- u want watch

CrazyHayley 05-07-2010 12:31 PM

ooh sounds good Owen, I like Indiana Jones. My boyfriend has the DVD's and the lego version of the game on his x-box. So this will keep us occupied for a while. Thanks.

MammaMia 05-07-2010 01:08 PM

*cuddles you both*

Doikers 05-07-2010 01:19 PM

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs Luke*

*Hugs April*

*Waves to Owen*

*Hugs Hayley*

*Hugs everyone else*

I wish I could be of more help to you all , I feel useless :S

I'mJustMe 05-07-2010 01:28 PM

Hi guys, can't to individual replies right now, I'm on lunch break and have to bugger off in 10 minutes, but just came to see how everyone was.

*Hugs to all who want them, tea to others.*

xx

shadowedsoul 05-07-2010 02:43 PM

*Curls up in corner* everthings okay everthings okay. Urgh who the hell I'm I kidding. =[

MammaMia 05-07-2010 03:03 PM

I'm pissed off.

What's up Jill? *cuddles*

Scarletdreamer 05-07-2010 04:04 PM

Why are you pissed off, Hels? *cuddles tight*

*glomps Mark* Glad to see you, big bro. :) How're things going?

*cuddles Hayley & waves to Owen* I like Indiana Jones too... although "The Temple of Doom" was a bit much with the eyeball soup... gurghhh. :P Hayley, what's up? grief? *huggles extra*

*huggles Lia* Hey hey, hope your day is going alright... what exactly is work experience? I mean, is it part of high school/secondary school? or is it separate & related to uni? :-/ Sorry, I'm a bit dense. :-X

*hugs Luke* Glad that you handed off the pills to someone you trust, and are only allowed a day's dose at a time. I should probably do that, since I have been tempted to OD on some of my meds. Guhhh. Speaking of which, I have had to cut my AP (antipsychotic) in half, from 30mg Abilify to 15mg Abilify/day... not good as I've recently been psychotic and heard stuff this morning... ughhh. But I don't have a refill script yet and I have to mail order my meds so it takes extra long. :( Stupid insurance... but at least we HAVE health insurance. :-/ Sorry for the whinging & self-absorbedness... :-X I'll shut up now.

What's up, Jill, sweetie? *cuddles*

I feel "very bipolar" today (I have bipolar [NOS?])... very reckless feeling, I don't know, wanted to go 60mph in a 45mph road... stupid of me I know but I couldn't help it... :-X Plus it's a very curvy and hilly road so not safe AT ALL. Stupid me for wanting to. :-/

I'm exhausted. Just want to sleeeeeep... oh, and am still at my parents', because the first bug-bombing of the apartment left some fleas. So we're using extra bugbombs this second time 'round... another night at my parents', another day with the happy mask on. :'(

*hides in a hole*

MammaMia 05-07-2010 04:21 PM

*cuddles April tight* Please try safe sweetheart.

I was pissed off because I phoned up the stupid mental health clinic (they really are stupid) and the person wasn't in, despite the phone line being closed for 2 & half hours (and then closing again soon). Oh well, she's phoned me at 3.25pm. Gave me an appointment....for Thursday.

Doikers 05-07-2010 05:41 PM

Since I Got Here today , I've popped out once to pay bills ,get meds/ shopping but have spent the whole rest of the day in bed semi-sleeping , UGh I feel groggy*Hugs Sis April*

*Hugs Helen*

Doikers 05-07-2010 06:11 PM

I Don't feel safe , I think I'm gonna go to bed and try to snooze today away, I am visulising cuts' where they would be on my body , *Sigh* I Just feel so low and wearing the Happy mask whilst at my folks has built up the Lowness and now it's all coming at me at once , does that even make sence?

I'mJustMe 05-07-2010 06:15 PM

Hi guys. Time for individual replies now.

*Hugs Luke* I'm not really sure what to say. Well that's a fat lot of use. Are you getting any treatment for your anxiety? Councelling at all?

April- I'm so glad you managed to resist the urges last night. See how strong you are? You can resist, you don't have to give in and resisting makes you feel so much stronger. You can continue to resist, and fight this. I know you can. :) Work experiacne is a school thing. They make some poor employer or bussiness take us on for one week (we don't all go to the same place). I'm at a vets, and so far it's OK, if a little boring.

Haley- I know how you feel about faith. I need my faith for hope and the belief that I am never alone, God is always with me, but sometimes, I can't always fully believe it...although I think I am being tested, and I know he has his reasons for doing the things he does. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm greiving too, and it hurts too much to even think about it, so I'm going to stop now.

*Hugs Jill* what's the matter sweet?

Helen- Why are you pissed off? Listen to angry music, or find someone to play murder in the dark with so you have an excuse to scream. Or just watch a horror movie.

Julie- Hey. How are you?

Hey Mark. S'up? How's the time in bed going? Best not to do that too much, I find it just depresses me. I have to stay busy all of the time or I will fall apart.

*Hugs and tea to everyone else.*

Maybe it's time I told everyone how I ended up here, but I don't know if I can. :/

xx

shadowedsoul 05-07-2010 06:39 PM

Sorry just dealing with a lot of sh*t today and kind of messing with my head a bit.=[

katnovia 05-07-2010 07:27 PM

too many pages again. I'm terrible at this support lark. so sorry everyone.
Yeah, you're ****.

Louise 05-07-2010 07:31 PM

hugs everyone

MammaMia 05-07-2010 07:52 PM

Lia - I explained in my last post why I was angry :) But I'm not angry anymore thankfully. Hope you're okay.

Mark - Sorry you're struggling so much.

Kat - no need to apologise sweetheart, sometimes we're not up for the most simple of tasks *cuddles you if that's okay*

Louise - How you doing? *cuddles back*

Doikers 05-07-2010 08:28 PM

Lia , the time in bed is not going well , I'm NOT Sleeping , I need to sleep to get away from feeling so totally wretched , either that or cut , I can see the cut I haven't made :( I'm going to resort to taking a couple of Diazepam , Maybe then I'll sleep , I've made Camomille tea with honey to calm me too , it's cooling by my bed.

*Hugs*

You can tell us how you ended up here in your own time , at your own pace just do it when you are comfortable with it and we will all be here to support you the best we can :)

Scarletdreamer 05-07-2010 08:35 PM

I spy Luke & Mark!! *glomps* Hehehe...

Mark, love, try not to spend too much time in bed, that'll just make it harder to sleep at night as well as probably make you feel more low. As Lia said, that's what I've found it does to me. The more I sleep the sadder/lower I feel. It's an awful cycle, but I think it's scientifically sound as well. Try and stay busy with something... not sure what, just not SI!! *cuddles her big bro*

*hugs Luke and Louise* How're you faring today?

*hugs Lia* It's okay to tell us how you ended up here... but don't feel like you have to tell us RIGHT NOW... it'll be scary probably whenever you do tell us just because it'll be you opening up, but a flower is never more glorious than after its bud has opened. :) Remember that. And thank you for the encouragement... I really needed to hear that. :)

*cuddles Hels* I'm glad that you've got an appt... stupid mh team for turning off their phonelines!! That doesn't make any sense. But at least you've got an appt and hopefully whomever you'll see won't be stupid. Hehe. And I'm also glad that you're not angry anymore. I hate being angry, especially for long periods of time.

Kat, sweetie, you are NOT ****, don't listen to that particular part of you. Keeping up IS hard and sometimes, as Hels rightly said, we're not up to the challenge of even the simplest of tasks. And even still - individual replies are not all that simple to do. It's okay to just take sometimes... *cuddles gently* How are you doing? how's the op place healing up?

*sends cuddles out in search of Oliver, Nicole, Julie, Laura, JK, Kathryn, Kahlia, and anyone else I am forgetting!!*

I'm doing okay. I guess. I don't know. It's really ****ing warm here, nearly 100'F in the sun. We gave Daniel (our cat) a bath and he HATED it but it was ooohhhh so much fun, lol. I got a bit wet (of course) and he looked like a drowned rat. I bet he loves us right now... ahah. :-/ Poor him. I do feel a little bad for him but it was for the best, flea & tick shampoo, and it should get rid of the flea eggs that are left on him (if there are any). Whew.

That was really the big endeavor of the day. Jarrod and I went to PetCo as well as Barnes & Nobles, and I got 3 books and a journal (tsk tsk, do NOT need any more stuff for now!!)... and of course the flea & tick shampoo and a flea collar for when he's dried off more. Heh. It was so hot on the drive into town (this particular shopping centre is about 45 minutes from my parents', which is where we still are)... no a/c in Jarrod's car so we had the windows rolled down all the way. Heh. I had a royal headache by the time we got there... :(

Sorry for all of the rambling about myself. I really should just learn to shut up. :'(

Scarletdreamer 05-07-2010 08:48 PM

updated r/v... (link is in my sig)...

sorry..............

anarchistl0ve 05-07-2010 08:55 PM

Hello i have returned I dont know where to begin with what has been going on in my mind. I think my thereapist is trying to get my son taken from me she keeps talking to me quite curios about the residents of my head. i am married as many of you know but I think I am falling for one my friends -.- i also almost cut a week ago


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