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Kahlia1981 15-02-2010 08:00 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I'm getting near the end now ... Holding myself together with the remainder of what I have left. Getting so tired and damaged by what this life is throwing at me. I just want to hide away and cry the rest of me away.

~*forever_broken*~ 15-02-2010 08:09 AM

*cuddles Kahlia* Don't cry yourself away, luv. I'm sorry life's being so brutal right now and I sure wish I had something helpful to say but... *hugs*

Doikers 15-02-2010 10:57 AM

Quiet1 , I sometimes plan S.I. too, looking for that window when I can do it undisturbed. your definatly not alone in this . Sometimes I S.I. on impulse sometimes its planned . depends on my current where abouts whether I can get alone or if I have to bide my time until everyone is out of the house when I'm at my parents , I've rambled , hope this A) makes sense and B) Helps in some small way

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 10:59 AM

Welcome, Mark. :) *hands you a mug of tea since she's cold* :P That's what my mum always does - if she's cold, she's like, "Put on a sweatshirt, April!!" or if she's tired she's like, "Do you need a nap?" lol. Anyway, yes, welcome.

*cuddles Oliver* I'm sorry that she seems a bit more distant now, if it's not you imagining then it's probably just her getting used to the idea. I mean, it's a difficult one to really get used to, if you think about it. *more cuddles* How you doing today? ♥

*cuddles LauraStar* Urgh, 16 hours on one bit of coursework?! I should've spent that much time on my psych portfolio (due today, don't know how I'm going to get it done as I am totally uninspired!!). And you're NOT whinging about nothing, sweet, or whinging at all. You're just expressing how you feel about stuff. ♥

*cuddles Jocelyn* Sorry no one's replied to your post - glad things are going okay, and glad that you got a chance to post!! How are you feeling? did covering up the scars/new injuries work? Hope so... what's your favorite part about your job/internship/whatever-you-call-it? ♥

*cuddles Crimson* It's okay to be vacant once in awhile, both whilst you're here & whilst you're not. We all have those days I think. How are you doing today? :) ♥

*cuddles Ally* How're things going with you, love? ♥

*cuddles Kahlia* Don't cry yourself away, sweetie... I know the feeling but you've felt this way before, right? & it's always passed. So maybe this time it will pass as well? Just keep hoping I suppose... you can do it, you can make it through. ♥

*cuddles am-bear* What's wrong, hon? ♥

*cuddles quiet1 & LauraFriend* How're you two doing today? ♥

I hope I didn't miss anyone, & if I did, I'm sorry. So frickin' tired, been getting up at 4:30am the past few days as have been unable to sleep past then. It's so annoying and I am so exhausted by the time evening comes. Today I cancelled tutoring hours as well as therapy so I could get my psych portfolio done, as it's barely started - so I am going to need some caffeine, as much as it makes me anxious!! Grrrr.

My weekend was okay, didn't really do much except study for a health psych exam (am scared!! it's the first one, never had an upper div course with this prof, and it's a different kind of test than the ones I'm used to) and play on new toons on a different server on WoW. :) So yeh... it was an okay weekend, but didn't really do anything special for Valentine's Day despite the fact that I'm married. Oh well.

*hugs everyone & pops out*

Doikers 15-02-2010 11:19 AM

Hi Scarletdreamer , Thanks for the tea :) Everyone here is so nice , I'm staying a while if ok with you guys ?

MammaMia 15-02-2010 11:33 AM

*jumps on ally and cuddles lots*

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 12:02 PM

Sure, Mark, stay as long as you like. :) How are you doing today? *hugs if that's okay?*

*cuddles Helen* How're you doing, love?

Am listening to "Memento Mori" by Flyleaf (new album) now. This is a really good song:

Doikers 15-02-2010 12:08 PM

Hugs are always ok *Hugs ya back*
I'm really triggered today , feeling conflicted , Happy valentines day is over , I was happy Christmas was over too , makes me sound like scrooge :S Valentines day was lonley AND I forgot to watch the Rugby , I just totally forgot it was on .
I'm bidding on Flyeafs first album on ebay , we have good taste in music no?
Sorry to ramble.

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 12:14 PM

Oh, rambling is always fine too!! :D Flyleaf is the best. What's your favorite song that they've done? I think so far the one I posted is as it really hits close to home... because we ALL are treasures whether or not we feel like it. :) I got the album at Walmart where I was so excited to see it.

*more hugs* :)

I feel like such rubbish. Just posted in my r/v spot... gahh... I really am a ****ing slacker, hate myself so so much!!!! :crying:

Doikers 15-02-2010 12:28 PM

Well I'm just getting into them but I LOVE the song Cassie.
*hugs* Sorry you feel so low

MammaMia 15-02-2010 12:41 PM

*cuddles April*

Am very very cold & struggling, our heating has broke :( My dad came over and fixed ti but it's broken again. :(

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 12:49 PM

Oooh Mark I love "Cassie" too. :) It's just that it's been awhile since I've listened to that album (I know, shame on me, but it's not on my iPod yet & that's where my music comes from, so yeh. Need to put it on there!!). But that's a lovely - and sad - song. :) How're you doing today? *hugs back* I see that you like Paramore as well. :D

*cuddles Helen* Awh Hels, I'm sorry to hear that!! It must be miserably cold... bundle up in hoodies and lots of warm socks and get under the covers!! Lol - maybe overkill but maybe not, as being cold is very nasty. :(


MammaMia 15-02-2010 01:13 PM

It is very nasty. Am wrapping up mostly in pjs, dressing gown & duvet LOL.

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 01:35 PM

Lol @ Helen... but at least you are keeping warm!!!

I am trying to put together this stupid psych portfolio... I am so tired & need to drink more diet Mtn Dew but I'm afraid that I'll get too anxious. I have a ton of stuff to print once I get to campus... feel like crap and I really don't want to do this... just want to lose myself in a book or WoW. I am such a freaking loser. :'(


Still listening to Flyleaf. I think I'll turn on Nickelback in a few minutes... or maybe Anonymous 4... yeah, I think Anonymous 4. They are a very calming group. :)

*hides in darkest corner* :(

MammaMia 15-02-2010 03:09 PM

I feel like I'm in a big ocean riding really big waves today, more than ever these last few days, but I'm holding on, trying to anyway.

I can't stop crying :'(

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 03:18 PM

Awh, love *big, gentle cuddles* Do you know what you're crying about? what exactly is going on, if you don't mind me asking? and I'm VERY proud of you for holding on - well done, if I may say so myself. :) Keep on fighting & holding on for dear life, sweetie... the storm WILL pass. *more cuddles*

Lol, the cat just jumped up on a pile of boxes to look out a window that's about 4 feet off the ground. He's so funny. :)

Don't feel very good mentally myself. But I did just get up from a nap, which was a good thing (the nap I mean), because I was utterly exhausted - and at least now I have a little "oomph" to run on for my portfolio. I am such an effing stupid procrastinator!!! About this, anyway. Everything else I don't usually leave off til THIS last minute. :(


frenchhorn 15-02-2010 04:18 PM

*cuddles everyone*
sorry no individual replies but thinking of you all and sends lots of cuddles

I feel really strange, cant explain it but its not a nice feeling I know that, I'm trying to make plans for the week, as its uni recess week so no lectures or rehearsals or anything, but I dont want to waste the time, but all I want to do is curl up and sleep so I dont have to think about all the hard stuff, I wish it would just go away even for a few hours.
*finds a corner and occupies it and gets his book out, to hope it takes his mind of stuff*

Ambs(: 15-02-2010 04:23 PM

*cuddles back*
i dont know, im just out of it.. i i dont know who to tak t who to ask for help. anything

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 04:29 PM

*cuddles Oliver* I'm glad that you have a week off; that must be nice. What reason? Spring break for us is coming up in about 3 weeks... I can't wait... I need the time to myself!! I feel so overwhelmed with uni this term... I hate it. :( But anyway... take care of yourself, try & feel good about yourself, & remember, we care about you. :) ♥

*cuddles am-bear* (sorry, don't know your first name) Do you have any close friends you can chat with? or maybe a family member, pastor, etc.? What is going on? is there anything that we can help with? ♥

I'm feeling really rubbishy about this whole psychology portfolio thing. :( I have to go on campus to print off a bunch of stuff & I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO. :( I wish that I actually liked uni but I don't, I hate it, I really do. *sighs*

Oh well. I'll survive. I always do. *rolls eyes* :(

MammaMia 15-02-2010 04:31 PM

*cuddles so much* I'm crying about recent ****, including stuff with my best friend and boyfriend. Aswell as bad events in the last few years. More the bigger ones, if that makes sense? Just allowing myself to hurt about them today, think just having a down day about it all. I will pm you to fill you on something, if that's okay? I'm trying to fight & hold on for dear life. I know in the end that the storm WILL pass. *cuddles more*

How cute about your cat, he certain sounds funny :D

I don't feel very good mentally either, glad you managed a nap, that can help keep you fighting *cuddles* Procanisation is such a bitch isn't it? :P

*cuddles to all*

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 04:35 PM

*cuddles Helen* Of course you can PM me, love. My inbox is open to you, & ALL of you, all of the time. :) I understand what you mean, kind of - you're sort of letting yourself FEEL for the first time in awhile. Just letting yourself feel the feelings... does that make sense? :-/ But I'm glad that you know that you will make it through. :) ♥

Yeh, procrastination sucks. :( I wish I were a better student... I feel so ****ing lousy right now about that. I hate myself. I hate uni. I hate life. I want to die but I can't. ARGH!!!! :'(

*hides some more*

MammaMia 15-02-2010 04:36 PM

That makes so much sense *cuddles*

Have pm'd you sweet, thank you

You're a good student, don't put yourself down *squishes*

Ambs(: 15-02-2010 06:33 PM

nope, not at all.i dotn have anyone where i live,
its amber :) you can call me ambs though ^_^
ill live ill have to *cuddles and goes to sleep*

Scarletdreamer 15-02-2010 06:38 PM

*cuddles Helen* Responded to your PM... feel free - any of you - to PM me anytime. 'Kay? :)

*cuddles Ambs* My ex-best friend name's Amber... and I called her Ambz. Lol. Funny coincedence. How are you doing right now?

I finished my portfolio!! I know it's not as good as it could be, but oh well. I need to do more in the APA style (American Psychological Association), like headings and everything, but at least it's a start, right? So I do have something I can turn in. It's 1:40pm now and I came in to campus at noon and worked until just now getting stuff done. I'm pretty happy that it turned out okay!! :D I just hope that my peers don't think I'm stuck up & stupid for what I said in my foreward. :(

I wish I were at home playing WoW. Boo hiss. My avatar is from WoW - that's a Draenei (race). I don't know what class. How I love that game... lol. I am such a loser nerd.

Anyway. I should go read & relax or something, I dunno. *sigh*

*needs cuddles* :(

Doikers 15-02-2010 07:07 PM

*Cuddles Scarletdreamer*
I had a horrible Diazapam hangover , my arms and legs are still tired from it , had to try and nap . Still I didn't S.I. and I so easily could of done.

I went round all the shops earlier looking at the booze , didn't buy any though , I guess thats a little victory for me :)

Imaginary_friend 15-02-2010 07:12 PM

i want to not exist please.

Sefka 15-02-2010 07:32 PM

Will hug you later but at the moment I am radioactive and may infect you.

Ambs(: 15-02-2010 07:49 PM

cant find anyone to talk to, my confidence to ask for help has like, gone:/
haha :) amberrI dont like my namee, its boring :L

MammaMia 15-02-2010 08:07 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Crying again. Great :/

April, thank you for the pm, helped more than you could ever know xxx

quiet1 15-02-2010 09:50 PM

*hugs Doikers* yes. you made sense and helped a bit. i cut today. as planned. i don't think i even care anymore. hell...handbasket....me.

*cuddles scarlet* i am not really ok. but better than i could be i guess. so thank you for asking. your cat sounds cute. my cat right now is sitting on the keyboard of my bf's laptop cleaning his paws. he's getting very sleepy. then waking up cuz he hits a button or two and the chime dings.

i made the appointment to be evaluated for intensive outpatient program. i am terrified. i don't know if i'll go through with it but at least i made the appt.

*hugs to all* i'm going to my mom's house to deliver her a valentine. i like to pretend that i am nice.

Kahlia1981 16-02-2010 03:13 AM

*cuddles everyone*

I've express mailed my complaint to the Health Quality & Complaints Committee today. Am writing an application and cover letter for a job tomorrow morning. Trying to get hold of my new pdoc to get an urgent med change because this depression just won't let go of me. So over everything. I just want to disappear from this world. The pain of living makes me struggle. *sigh* I know these episodes usually end - but they usually end with me doing something stupid ... so that's not much solace. I wish that I could outrun my skin and be just wind ...

SoMuchMore 16-02-2010 06:39 AM

*duddles helen* i hope u stop crying soon :-( Im sorry things are crappy right now.

*hugs quiet1* i think its good that you made the appointment. Try to follow thru with it. Hand in there.

*hugs kahlia" good job on mailing your complaint and good luck on your job application. Sounds like you are trying to make positive steps. I hope that you don't do anything.. Stay strong.

*cuddles everyone else* - sorry there have been a lot of replies so i decided to start over with the top of this page.

I talked to my friend tonight. I almost broke down into tears several times. He is trying to help, I am grateful.. but Im so scared that if i keep talking he will leave like everyone else does that i trust. He says he wont.. i just think he will get sick of listening. He told me that people care about me.. that he cares about me... I almost lost it right there. Nobody ever tells me that in real life.

Kahlia1981 16-02-2010 08:14 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Laura(star): I'm trying to make positive steps. It's just that everything is such a struggle. *sigh*

Thank you all for your support.

I got a phone call from the crisis team today. The guy I talked to is the guy from there I talked to on Friday. He actually seemed a bit concerned that the depression wasn't lifting. He said they would give me a call on Friday or Saturday .... I won't believe it until it happens. It came out of the blue.

Erg. Is there any way to switch a head/brain off for a few hours so that I can have some depression free time? Any ideas?

Scarletdreamer 16-02-2010 01:05 PM

*cuddles Helen* How are you feeling this morning, love? And you're welcome for the PM, it's the least I can do!!

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm glad that you got a chance to talk with your friend - & I'm glad that you got a chance to hear what we've been telling you - IRL. :) People do care... it's just that it's SO hard to see it when we are in bad places such as these.

*cuddles Kahlia* It does sound like you're making positive steps... please try & stay safe, I know you are, just keep trying!! Also, what job for which are you applying? That definitely sounds positive... maybe if it's something that you enjoy it will help lift you out of your depression. I'm glad that the guy from the crisis team called (what exactly is a crisis team? just what it sounds like? people who come out [house calls] for people in crisis?)... hopefully he will call back later this week to check on you. *more cuddles*

*cuddles quiet1* Sorry, I forget your name - again!! lol. :o Try not to be too scared of the IOP program... it may sound intimidating & be intimidating at the beginning, but I think it will help. Your chance to get more intense treatment without being hospitalized. Please take the chance... dive right in & work on getting back to your healthy, happy self. And if there never were a healthy, happy self, then maybe this will help create one. How are you doing this morning?

Mark, LauraFriend, Jocelyn, Ambs, anyone else I forgot (& I know I'm missing people) - how are you guys all doing today? *cuddles all*

I'm really tired. And frustrated with myself. I got my portfolio done for yesterday, spent a few hours on it and then the prof didn't even collect them. :( Today I have a health psych exam (at one, it's 8am now) and I haven't completed studying for that yet... so I really need to do that!! I feel so ****ing incompetant... such a bad student... it's like everything is being put off until the last minute. :(

And then for advanced counseling techniques, I need to read the chapter and outline it and study stuff online - I swear that this prof has more work to her course(s) than most others do!! I really feel like I'm falling behind in that class... my head is drowning in all of the stuff I have to get done before 1pm today... and I don't want to do any of it. :(

Stupid self. I really need to DIE. :crying:

quiet1 16-02-2010 01:27 PM

*hugs for everyone*

*scarlet* I have never really been happy. I have been ok though. Like. Content. Anyways. I just woke up. Slept like crap because the closet door was open. OCD. But for some reason I didn't close it. I think because my bf and I had a little argument before I went to sleep. Home alone again today. Ugh.

I hope your exam goes well. Try not to beat your self up too much. I remember all too clearly how stressfull college was. Some profs are terrible and give way too much work. They act as though you only have their class to prepare for. You're not a bad student or a bad person. And you certainly don't need to die.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed. Take a short break and try to refocus. I think it's great that you finished your portfolio! 1 less thing to worry about. You have several hours still to get things done and worrying about it just eats time. You'll get finished whatever you can.

*Sending you lots of helpful thoughts. And a team of fairies to help with your work.

Doikers 16-02-2010 01:36 PM

*Hugs Scarletdreamer* You don't need to die , you are not a bad person , you've been totally welcoming and friendly to me and have helped me fit in and feel comfy here no end .

I am still hungover from my pysch meds and am having issues getting hold of my correct dosage which should be stressing me out but I just feel numb :S

Scarletdreamer 16-02-2010 01:53 PM

Quiet1 & Mark, you can call me April. :) Much shorter than typing out "Scarlet" or "Scarletdreamer." ♥

Thanks, quiet1, for the support. You're right, the portfolio is one thing down - but I still have to revise it. :( Boo hiss. I have so many things that I need to do & I feel so overwhelmed. The only reason that I'm on RYL at the moment is because a video on person-centred therapy is downloading for advanced counseling. I hope my exam goes well also - but I'm really scared about it & don't feel prepped at all. I guess I do still have quite a few hours to finish up studying for it & getting stuff together for advanced counseling though... I wish I weren't such a freaking procrastinator... I nauseate myself. :(

*cuddles Mark if that's okay?* I'm glad that I made you feel welcome here. :) That's my job :P ... as a member and frequent poster in this thread I want to welcome each new face. Anyway. How're you doing today? how're you feeling?

I just posted in my r/v thread... link is in my sig if anyone cares to take a look. Probably SUI trig. *sigh* :(

MammaMia 16-02-2010 02:03 PM

*cuddles April*

Work sounds sucky :( You're not a bad student though and you don't need to die :( You need to kee fighting and holding on, which I KNOW you can. *cuddles tight*

*cuddles everyone else*

Doikers 16-02-2010 02:04 PM

I still feel rough , I either need to hurt myself or I need a drink .It's been nearly 2 years since I Drank any booze at all and I'm wondering if I could control it now. I haven't S.I.ed since the 22nd of January but its just getting harder and I KNOW I wont be able to control it if I start that again . I Take Diazapam which calms me down some but it's either the drink or he S.I. that I need as a coping mechinism , I just can't cope much longer without at least one of them . Sorry to rant. I've posted about this elsewhere but I needed to get it off my chest .

*Hugs April back (if ok)* Hugs and cuddles are always ok for me April :)

SoMuchMore 16-02-2010 02:17 PM

*hugs kahlia* at least the crisis guy called... I hope he does again.

*hugs april* I know ppl tell me they care on here... Its different in real life though. Anyway, im sorry that uni is overwhelming you.. mines really bad too right now. Hopefully some of the pressure lifts soon.

*hugs quiet1* im sorry you and ur bf got in a fight. Hope you are okay.

*hugs mark* Good job on not drinking and not SIing! I know it can be hard when its your main coping mechanism but try to keep fighting it. And its okay to rant in here. I do it all the time :-)

*cuddles helen*

Slept like crap, and tuesdays are my worst day of the week. I hope i can find time to squeeze in a nap b/c i know i'll need it.

MammaMia 16-02-2010 02:32 PM

*cuddles Laura*

Scarletdreamer 16-02-2010 03:26 PM

*cuddles Helen* Thanks, love. Yeah, school is really sucky right now - am taking a quick break from doing the concept sheets for health psych, should've done them over the weekend, stupid-ass me, but oh well. I feel so dumb!!! *bangs head against wall* So now I'm going to read about person-centered therapy... :( ...I'm terrified that the prof is going to expect us all to have everything about person-centered therapy memorized, because that's how she is. I HATE that class!!! :crying:

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry that Tuesdays suck so much. My Wednesdays suck, so yeah, I can understand. :( Maybe have a diet Coke or a hot black tea, or something else that has caffeine so you can make it through your 6 hours of class without dozing off? I don't know if you "do caffeine" though...

*cuddles Mark* Sure, hugs & cuddles are always welcome!! :) I am a very huggy person IRL too... hehe. Good job for staying away from SI and alcohol for so long, that's very brilliant!! :D You can keep making it through... please don't give in... you can do it. *more cuddles* I understand about the SI though... I have mostly got it under control but sometimes the urges are really bad. Lately though, I've been struggling more with bulimic urges. :( *sigh*

I'm so sick of uni... just want to make it disappear. I HATE IT!!!! I just want to be done, have a good job, and not have to worry about finances or paying off student loans (although I only have one, thank God!!). I am so sick of going to classes, doing schoolwork, stressing out over everything, etc., etc., etc. :( Oh well. Sorry to whinge so ****ing much over uni though... you all must be sick of hearing about it.

*hides* :crying:

Doikers 16-02-2010 04:52 PM

*Hugs April* I'm not sick of hearing about you and uni, I'll listen anytime, sometimes its good to get things out you know .

I think the powers that be have upped my antidepressants without even telling me so I'm a bit irked about that , I went to pick up my AD's and they are a higher doseage than I was expecting , If they are gonna monkey around with my meds it seems to me that the right thing to do is too TELL ME! , ugh sorry.

Laura , I hope you have a nice nap :)

I'm going to my parents from tommorow until friday as my little sister is getting married :) Anyway I'll be on a shared computer so I might not be around for a few days so don't worry if I don't post , things will be wedding grade hectic

shadowedsoul 16-02-2010 07:19 PM

argh!!!! im so over all of this ****. just want to curl up and die, i know my freind is worried about me, but cutting is the only thing thats working right now, it get rid of everthing iam feeling, yeah i know its not health, but its that or i do something worse. crap.

SoMuchMore 16-02-2010 08:02 PM

*more hugs for helen*

*cuddles april* its ok to whine about uni... its not even whining.. its what is on ur mind. School really sucks sometimes. Think about how close you are to being done.

*hugs mark* sorry your having problems with your meds. Have fun at your sister's wedding!

*hugs jill* You could try to explain the situation to your friend, if u already havent? Try to avoid doing anything worse hun. Hang in there.

Took a short nap... but now its back to more uni work. I am supposed to write an article about a news release... but my sources arent getting back to me and im starting to freak out about it.

Ambs(: 16-02-2010 08:34 PM

tires. and sick KTHNX

MammaMia 16-02-2010 09:06 PM

I have finally had enough.
I soooo need to go next week, we spent since November.
I need a break from all this **** and my head.
Please :'(

Scarletdreamer 17-02-2010 12:13 AM

Sorry, no individual responses right now, am not doing well.

Want to binge so badly... there's not a lot of food in the apartment but what there is, I ****ing WANT.


Why can't I just let my ED take over? why do I have to keep fighting it? It's not FAIR... it's not easy, it's not fun, it damn SUCKS and I don't know if I can keep fighting it.


frenchhorn 17-02-2010 12:31 AM

*cuddles April* I'm sorry your feeling so bad, I guess you keep fighting because somewhere inside you is some strength and determination that wont let you give up.

*cuddles ambear*

*cuddles Helen* I'm sorry there is a lot of stuff going on in your head right now it really sucks

I havnt cut for 3 weeks now, but really need to right now, I'm shaking, heart pounding. I just sent a letter to my quintet, via facebook, coming out to them as trans, I have no idea when any of them will read it and have no idea how any of them will react, just really scared

MammaMia 17-02-2010 12:34 AM

*curls up and cries*
Just want this to STOP and GO AWAY.

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