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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:03 AM

*holds Jill* (sorry, forgot your name!! :o) Have you tried any calming coping techniques? Breathing exercises, yoga, listening to quiet music, journaling? because those might help... and so might being active (about the anger). Try beating up a pillow. Rip up a phonebook. Take a piece of paper and scribble on it until the pen rips through the paper. Just take care not to hurt yourself in any way... because you are worth so, so much more than that. *wraps you in a fleece blanket and holds you some more*

*gently hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry that we can't do anything much... but keep us all updated on how you are doing, okay? even if it's a long post. I'm sure that no one will mind!! :) It's good to hear from you anytime. :)

I'm really doing rubbish right now... want to purge so badly. Had meat lover's pizza for supper as I wanted something that had a lot of protein on it and also wanted pizza, but I think my mind isn't okay with it. The eating disordered part of my mind, at least. I hate that I can't purge. I'm so angry!! at my husband, for keeping me from doing so, and at myself, for not "letting" myself purge. :(

I know it's wrong, but I just wish that my ED would take me... I don't want to commit suicide by OD'ing or whatever, I just want to die... I know that no death is really that easy or pain-free, but... oh, I don't know!! *cries*

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:04 AM

*hugs Helen* What's going on, hun, that's making you feel like cutting?

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:04 AM

Thanks for all the support about me and my friend guys. It's much appericated. Today's gotten worse to be honest. I'll be fine

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:05 AM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2062389)
*hugs Helen* What's going on, hun, that's making you feel like cutting?

I got really triggered. Still am. Just so much ****ing **** in my life all the ****ing time. I'm trying to cope and I cant..

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:06 AM

It doesn't sound like you're fine... it sounds like you're struggling. If you want to talk, we're here. :) I apologize if that sounded pushy... that wasn't the intended idea at all... :(

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:07 AM

I understand... not 100% - since, as I told another member, I'm not you - but I do understand. My ED got triggered at supper... and I'm a cutter as well, so I well understand SI urges. Stay strong... and I hope that you will have a break from all of the stuff that's going on with you atm. *gentle hugs* If you want to talk about what all is going on now, you can PM me or another person, or post here... talking might help.

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:17 AM

I don't know where to begin with all my ****. I'm about to lose my job :( It was only a tempoary contract as it was a christmas temp job, but I want to stay sooooo much. I'm hoping to be asked to saty but I doube it.

My mental health is really giving me **** right now :'(

I miss my baby so much and I'm trying to help my friend (who lost hers) but I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I know it takes time and you don't want to talk and stuff.

One of my best friends is going into hospital tomorrow for an operation and I don't want her in there yet again :( We probably won't talk much over next few days =( I was going to go up ther to be with her and look after her daughter but we had an argument and she kinda threw my offerback in my face and got her cousin to look after her baby.

Soooo much **** and I dont know how or where to begin explain and these irges are making it really difficult to do anything.

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:17 AM


Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:22 AM

Sorry for what, sweetie? *holds you gently* There's no reason to be sorry. You have a lot of stuff going on right now... it must be **** to be pretty sure you're going to lose your job especially if you like it, and having the offer of taking care of your friend's daughter being thrown back in your face - ouch. Arguments with ANYONE are difficult to deal with, especially close friends.

I wish I could help more... never had a child, never lost one, so I can't say I totally understand that. I don't really understand the grieving process, actually, so I would make a rubbish grief counselor. (I've lost both sets of grandparents and a close second cousin, yet I haven't grieved for them... I feel so numb and cold when I think about them all...)

Is there anyone around IRL that you can talk with about your urges? In the meantime, try to distract yourself. I'm sure you know ways to do that... do some calming things as well. Have a cup of tea. Do something to help your body relax.

*more hugs*

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:25 AM

Sorry for whining and taking up space that someone else could use. I'm a worthless piece of **** anyway. Should just go curl up and die rally.

I'll just have to find another full time job now I'm out of education somehow. I'm going to miss some of the people there.

Arguments suck. End of. Lol.

Griving processes affect everyone, you'll cry eventually honey *squish* and process it in your own ways.

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:29 AM

*squishes back*

You're not whinging. You're simply talking about what's bothering you - and that is important to get out, partially just for the catharsis of telling someone, and partially so we can help support you better.

Yeh, I agree about arguments. Lol.

Is it difficult finding jobs where you live?

I hope I grieve sometime... I mean, it's been YEARS since my first set of grandparents died... and been almost a year and two years since my grandad and grandma (respectively) died... and only a month since that close cousin of mine died... shouldn't I be feeling something by now?!

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:32 AM

Grieve comes out in different ways. I should know >.< I feel like I've never really grvied for my granddad (he died when I was 1) and my aunty (she died when I was 7). So I know. Plus when I thought a friend had commited suicide (turned out to eb a massibe lie) I didnt 'grieve' for over a week...

It is hard to find jobs, espically with this stuipd recession.

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 12:34 AM

*huggles Kiera and Helen*

Gonna go to bed now. Am really tired... plus, I want a little "me" time before I go to sleep, so will probably read. Love you all... hang in there and keep fighting.

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:35 AM

Night night sweetheart

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 12:46 AM

*squishes everyone*

Sending all my love to everybody. :)

*hands out teddies*

[Awakening] 30-12-2009 02:15 AM

*hides in the corner under a nice dark blanket* I'm not feeling too good. very triggered but not sure why. i cant think of anything else. I was weak but it wasn't quite enough. i don't know. i just don't know

risenfromperdition 30-12-2009 03:44 AM

*stares at wall*

had dinner ridiculously late... break rules. should punish =\

and dad made me feel wicked guilty for screwing my aunt out of money cuz of grades [she cosigned for loan]... but liek... i really did try this semester i just =\ and then he said i didnt care b/c i hadnt apologised to her or called her when i was doing bad during the semester... uhm because i hate confrontation/it woulda getted back to my parents even if she said it wouldnt/she doesnt get it >< meh =[

and then hes only letting me use computer at night til 11.... it wont help sleep earlier... just means hafta deal with thoughts and urges and cant type out... and meh. and hafta take a shower every morning/wake up at 9... dont like showers in day time and dont liek be up so early when gots nuffing to do... meh =[

*cries in corner and clings to teddy*

SoMuchMore 30-12-2009 04:36 AM

*gently hugs helen* You are not **** and please don't be sorry about posting. Things sound really rough for you right now. It's okay to vent/talk about it if u want to. I lost my job a few weeks ago, it sucked... and the funny thing is, i wasn't even getting paid and i was laid off :-O (apparently, they didnt need people to stay on next semester at the lab i was working at).

*hugs april* i know that it doesnt feel like it, but its good that you can't purge. Sorry that your ED is so triggered right now. You've never been to party *throws a mini one right here so you can say you have- passes around drinks and blasts music*

*cuddles kiera*

*offers blankets and pillows to both scarlett whore and horseridinbbe* Hang in there.

The party was cancelled so i obviously didn't go. Just watched a movie to distract myself. I'm not sure it worked, actually i think it just made me annoyed at my sister who asked 3000 questions about it. Anyway, i'm stupid.. I sometimes feel like a broken record on here... sorry if my posts are just annoying. I should shut up.

Kahlia1981 30-12-2009 08:31 AM

*hugs everyone*

*gently cuddles Helen* - I wish I had some words for you darl. Just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you some warm thoughts ... Not to help you get through everything but just to get through each day.

April - sometimes grief takes an awful long time to come out. I must confess that I haven't grieved for my step-grandad because I have not accepted that he is dead. He passed away about 10 years ago but to me he is not dead. When I go to my grandmothers place I know that he won't be there, but my brain just tells me that he's somewhere else.

*hugs Kiera gently* - Sorry I have no words at the moment hun. Just wanted you to know that I read and am thinking of you.

*hugs Franz* - Thanks for the teddy. :D

*gently cuddles Jocelyn* - Sorry to hear that you've been so triggered. How are you feeling now?

*hugs Heather* - Sorry about the situation with you aunt, the loan and your dad making you feel guilty. Sending warm wishes your way.

*hugs Laura* - Your posts are not annoying darl. Don't shut up please, keep letting yourself release what you need to release. This is a safe place, and that is what it is here for.

I opened up to my housemate this afternoon for the first time about what has really been going on with me. He advanced that idea that my ED might have returned without my knowing it - due to the regular and consistent vomitting. He told me to get a new GP. I think though that I'll give my GP one more chance because I'm not 100% sure what got through to him. Like I'm pretty sure that I didn't tell him I was vomitting my meds - not because I didn't want to but because I wasn't able to communicate properly. I spoke to a pharmacist about what was going on today and was talking about trying to get an antiemetic ... they said that at the present point in time they didn't think I'd be able to keep any of the available antiemetics down long enough for them to work. :( Meh. I've had an okay day today. Am going to try some dinner in a little bit. Just going to take things easy. I am going to write my grandmother a letter though ... I've been meaning to do that since my birthday (September).

*curls up in a corner clutching a teddy bear and tries to go to sleep*

[Awakening] 30-12-2009 09:33 AM

*hugs Heather* sorry hon, that sounds awful (I'll be praying for u sweets)

Kahlia, that makes sense. Its good that u've thought about changing your gp if u cant get through to him this second time - are u going to book an appointment? *gently squishes you*

*echos Kahlia* Laura you are not annoying, you are not stupid and you should not shut up sweetie. Maybe its a good thing that the party was cancelled, it's not a good idea to drink when you're feeling triggered, i know from recent experience. I'm sorry watching the film with your sis didn't help :( *offers cuddles*

April - *sending you big snuggly cuddles and lots of love* how are you feeling sweetie? sorry i'm way too tired to try to catch up but i hope u didn't have too bad a time last night x x x

I'm feeling quite sore this morning. I'd been distracting myself for a week and i don't think my mind could last any longer. I've got a plan, one of the good ones, going to keep a record of when i feel triggered so that instead distractions i can concentrate on keeping safe during those periods or avoiding situations. I don't know but it's worth a try huh?

I went to the pub last night to see some old school friends and it seemed to turn into a bit of a school reunion as we kept seeing people. It wasn't great. I'd taken the mrs and it should have been just quiet drinks with nearest and dearest and instead i ended up coming out to a load of people i don't really mind if i never see again! Hmph, I felt really bad for my girlfriend, i would have hated that if i was her. We didn't stay too long though so that was ok

How is everyone today? *serves tea and toast and reminds people to sign up for cottage pie! :P *

shadowedsoul 30-12-2009 10:58 AM

sneaks in and curls up in corner hugging knees,hides under a blanket.need some escape need some breathing space.

Kahlia1981 30-12-2009 11:47 AM

Jocelyn - Yeah I have an appointment with him next Wednesday but I'm going to try and make it earlier. It would be good to have it on Monday.

MammaMia 30-12-2009 12:04 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Don't really have any words of support for anyone. I'm sorry. I know I should be more supportive, espically as I whinge and sound like such a broken record all the time. *sighs*

Think I have come down with a cold after all. Wish it'd make its mind up though whether I have one or not. I keep sneezing all the time, and my nose runs a bit. Ugh. Been coughing so much over last few days =( My mum has a cough, so we joked she's shared it back with me. But my throat feels so rough today :/

Can't be bothered to go to work later. Going out before I do which will probably make me want to go even less. What's the point when it's my last day tomorrow?? :( I don't even see my Dad tonight like normal. Silly man double booked himself, don't know how when he ALWAYS sees me on Wednesdays. Perhaps he's punishing me too?? For being in so much agony on Boxing day that I couldn't go out with him. If so, he doesn't need to. I can punish myself thanks. :/

My best friend is going into hopsital today. She said she'd text me in the morning before she went in. As her cousin (who's looking after her baby) will keep hold of her phone for her til tomorrow evening. But no text so far, I think I pissed her off pretty badly yesterday. God I ****ing suck. Our relationship is really rocky, espically at the moment :( Maybe some time apart will help?

Sorry, I really didn't intend to make a post to whine. I'm so sorry :(

*goes and hides*

[Awakening] 30-12-2009 12:23 PM

^ *finds and cuddles*

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 12:59 PM

Rawr. I did the bad thing. >;[

I went so long (well, 3/4/ days before xmas) without SI'ing. Fuuuuuuuucker.

*sighs and cuddles teddy*

I think my day was a little too emotional. Finding out about The Rev was the last straw, because he always wrote such amazing lyrics that helped me through so much. And he was only 28. It's not fair.

I can't believe I'm so upset about someone who I've only met once. Pathetic much.

*hugs to all*

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 01:25 PM

*pops in briefly*

I'll reply to posts later, am not doing well right now. REALLY REALLY REALLY want to b/p... can't do it though, can't let myself... but I want to do it so badly!! *cries* Even going on WoW didn't help that much - I kept thinking about how stupid and ugly I am and how much I need to die... or b/p...

*hides in a dark corner, hoping that no one is annoyed or angry with her*

MammaMia 30-12-2009 01:26 PM

I'm not annoyed or angry. I've got to go out, but I know how you feel honey. I'll talk to you when I'm home from work okay? *squishes* Keep strong, I know it's hard though.

*leaves cuddles for all whilst she's out with a friend and at work* xx

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 02:13 PM

*hugs Helen* Take care of yourself whilst you're out & about!! :)


Absynnthe 30-12-2009 03:03 PM

Just had a flashback in the bath. Well, not a flashback exactly. I was in the bath and I heard my dad's voice. Really clearly. He said "Hello, my dove." Oh jeeez, I'm shaking so much.

sorry, pointless.

=xSexyOrangeCandyx= 30-12-2009 03:42 PM

*checks in until i move out of my dads house* *makes pillow fort and cuddles up to plushie and reads manga and eats pocky*

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 03:46 PM

*Wanders over to Ashley, gives pillow* :)

Welcome to the ward. ^.^

*wanders back over to own corner, starts drawing*

[Awakening] 30-12-2009 04:01 PM

^ I'm sorry about you're flashback thing hon. u drawing anything nice?

April I'm sorry you've been struggling, how is your day going?

Hi OrangeCandy, welcome to the ward. how u doing? *offers a lovely hot chocolate*

Kahlia that's great, any luck moving it to Mon? How are you feeling now?

I'm still quite triggered , feel very depressed and i get my wonderful but stressful toddler back soon. eek :/

*cuddles to all*

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 04:10 PM

^ drawing picture of rainbows. :)

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 04:30 PM

Eurghhh... I mini-binged at my parents' place (where I am now) and now I feel like purging... ate a lot of sugar-free stuff so hopefully that'll go through quickly. :-X I hate myself so so much... wish I never got to this place, wish I never gave in, wish I were ****ing brave enough to purge!!!

Anyway. My day's **** so far but oh well. We did see a family friend (we being my family) and that was nice. Thankfully she didn't talk about the bulimia... :-X

Erm... what else... not much. :-X

*cuddles Franz* How you doing today? besides the flashback thingummy? I would've been shaken by that too... if you need to talk any more about it we're here.

*holds Laura* I bet I sound like a broken record too... but you know what? That's OKAY!!! because this is a place to vent out what we're feeling. If it bothers people, well then, as far as it concerns me, they can just leave. May sound harsh but if you have something you need to get out - then talk about it. Either here or PM me or someone else. ♥ Your posts aren't annoying at all either nor stupid and you oughtn't shut up. :)

*hugs Kahlia* I hope that you find a good GP to talk with... or are a little clearer with your current one. I understand it being difficult to express how things are going... especially when you're feeling ill. How'd supper go? did you manage to keep anything down?

*huggles Jocelyn* What's got you triggered, love? and how old is your toddler? boy or girl? :) Oh, and what the heck is cottage pie? :P You UK'ers have so many weird foods!! lol. Or at least weird names... hehe. :)

*holds Heather* Hope you feel better soon, sweetie. Being sick is not fun at all... Do you have any plans for the day?

*hugs Horseridinbbe* (Heather?) What breaks the "rules"? eating dinner so late? In any case, self-punishing rarely does any good, so you oughtn't do it... but if you need to talk I'll be here. That sucks about the comp rules. :(

Well, my sis & dad are going for a walk so I guess I will too... fat ass... need exercise.


[Fog] 30-12-2009 04:54 PM

*Waves* Sorry to see that so many of you had a difficult time yesterday. Hopefully today is a better day for you all. *Hugs for all who want them* There's so many posts that I'm behind on I won't reply individually, but I just want you to know that I did read them and I am thinking of you all.

Scarletdreamer - poor you, it's horrible when you want to purge and there's no opportunity for it. It really makes me panic. Try to keep thinking rationally about it though - like you said, most of it was sugar-free. Hopefully going on a walk will help you to feel more comfortable.


I'm doing ok today. Went into a nearby town this morning which went fine (except for one stolen item :-( ). My head's been pretty loud today, nothing in particular just the voices all being a bit rowdy. Wish they'd quieten down a bit. Ate a bit too much for lunch and couldn't purge because of a family board game... But I'm trying not to stress about it because rationally I know that it was hardly anything and my weight's got so low. To be honest the most likely consequence is that it will give my metabolism a boost and I'll lose more weight. Got some wool and knitting needles today to try out a new hobby!

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 05:06 PM

*hugs Banana* Knitting is fun although I've not gotten past halfway done my first project!! :( Oops.

I'm glad that you understand. The walk didn't help... we went so slowly that it was misery. Finally I gave up on them keeping up with me and zoomed along until I was well out of breath. I hope that it burned some of the calories that I ate... stupid stupid stupid me!!!! *cries*

Anyway. I'm glad that you didn't have time to purge... it's not good, and I know that - hard to stop the urges, and I understand the panic - but as you said, you're at a low weight so yeh. *cuddles*

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 05:09 PM

*cuddles onto April* Okay, just tired. Not bitten my nails for ages. Yay.

My rainbow is pretty. Gonna put it on my door. Ho hum.

Bit dissociated, as you might be able to tell.

*snuggles up to April and dozes*

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 05:22 PM

*snuggles up to Franz because she needs someone to be near her*

Just posted in my venting spot about what just happened... my family is bullshit. All bullshit. I give up.


Absynnthe 30-12-2009 05:26 PM

:( *gives tissue and love to April*

[Fog] 30-12-2009 05:28 PM

Scarletdreamer - just read your post in your venting spot *Cuddles* That sounds so difficult for you and so frustrating. Have you ever spoken to your mum about how it all makes you feel? Try not to panic hun, you're not stupid and you're not fat and it's all gonna be ok. I can understand the frustration with walking slowly though, I hate that!! You said there was a lot of sugar-free stuff, so you don't need to worry about that. If you leave your parents', make sure you have a good plan of what to do this evening to try and avoid purging. Maybe go for a jog or something to ease the anxiety about eating and it will boost your mood as well. I hope you're ok dear.

DaVengezz - hope you're keeping safe. Sounds like a nice way to spend the time if you're dissociated!

I'm feeling ok could do with a fag but I'll have to wait now until everyone goes to bed... Yay for living with my folks...

~Grace~ 30-12-2009 05:29 PM

Snuggles everyone xx

Wish I could be someone I like rather than having all this self hate inside of me

[Fog] 30-12-2009 05:39 PM

I know the feeling Grace. You'll get there though.

What the f**k I just looked up how to knit and got some really simple instructions and pictures up... But I don't get it and now I feel like a moron.

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 05:45 PM

^ Not a moron. Nice person.


SoMuchMore 30-12-2009 05:46 PM

*cuddles everyone* The ward has been very busy since i posted last night.. I've read everything though.

Helen - everyone is telling me that its ok to be a broken record on here, so we can be broken records together. Sorry that things are hard right now.

April - I really suck at truly talking about what is going on... Sorry that you mini-binged. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It'll be okay. I read your venting thing and your family stuff sounds really hard :-/

Banana - you are def not a moron for not knowing figuring out the patterns. I've never been really able to figure them out either..

*hugs everyone I didn't reply too* - sorry... I can't be on here long... i will reply properly later

Scarletdreamer 30-12-2009 06:15 PM

*hugs Banana* What's your first name? (if you don't want to say that's okay) I'm April - Scarletdreamer is a lot to type out!! :) So feel free to call me April. Oh, and knitting isn't simple... lol... I tried to learn it from a pattern and it worked out HORRIBLY... had to go to a yarn shop and get instruction and demonstrations from that. Maybe look on YouTube? I'm sure there are instructional vids there. And you're not stupid. :)

*cuddles Franz* Still dissociated, love? Must be kind of a nice place... I remember the times when I dissociated, really peaceful, kind of. I dunno. :-/ Sorry if any of that was offensive, I just hate feeling all that I do. :(

*huggles Laura* We can be broken records together as well. :P How you doing? And yeh, my family really is hard, just getting to understand this now that I've married, moved out, and been away from them for a year+. So yeah. I texted my therapist but she hasn't responded, don't want to bother my husband at work, and I just now texted my NP. Hopefully one or the other will respond. :(

*cuddles Grace* I so understand, sweetie... I really do.

I am so angry with myself... *cries* Life isn't fair, and I hate mine... wish I could trade it in for a better one!! or even a better me, if I liked myself I could put up with my family and all. :(

Absynnthe 30-12-2009 06:23 PM

*Cuddles onto April* Not offensive. Not peaceful either for me... don't like feeling like this cuz feel vunerable.

Don't hate yourself. I love you. You're nice and lovely.

*hugs to everyone*

Strawberry.Bananas 30-12-2009 06:26 PM

*Digs a hole in a dark corner and hides in there*

I wish I could support today guys but I can't. I'm sorry.

~Grace~ 30-12-2009 06:37 PM

Snuggles Vicki
Dont worry about supporting hun...
Just take good care of yourself xx

[Awakening] 30-12-2009 06:39 PM

I feel like a crappy mum. I was meant to have him back today and i didn't get him making up an excuse that i feel really ill. I miss him but i can't handle him, especially not right now. He went to a museum with his grandma and possibly his dad idk. I never do things like with him, i used to but now i just want to curl into a little ball and forget the world. can i hide in here please? I don't want to come out for a while

[Awakening] 30-12-2009 07:13 PM

I'm so so triggered... i can't think about anything else

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