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wildly insane 22-04-2009 12:38 AM

Hannah not happy, Hannah stupid, Hannah deserves to hurt, why am I still fighting?

*hugs Gil* good luck being cigarette free and hope your partner stops being funny

Jem how are you? *hugs*

*Hugs Helen* hope monkey helps, yeah cornwall is special

*hugs Arwen* hope you're still going strong

*hugs Dayna* hope you're doing a biit better now, I know what you mean about the itching.

*hugs Ashley* are you feeling any better?

*hugs Kahlia* I know it's hard but at least you have them, my friends that I am closest to are so far away but I know they're there and I know that I love them and they care about me and that helps, when you are down don't hesitate to phone, take care of yourself and don't give up on the situation just yet, people do care about you and that's what matters.

Damnation. 22-04-2009 02:15 AM

Hannah's not stupid, Hannah's lovely, so there *hugs back*

Gils: Alrighty then ^__^. My real name's Däyna, although due to the way I've been lately, I've not been too keen on it lately. Prefer to be called Tödlich

Damnation. 22-04-2009 03:11 AM

Getting spaaaaaaaaaaaaacey. Is tempting to give into it x_x

MammaMia 22-04-2009 09:18 AM


wildly insane 22-04-2009 09:53 AM

Thanks Dayna, don't give in, why Todlich? (I don't have an Umlaut on my computer) *cuddles*

but I am stupid, I told a friend I really liked him, but of course he doesn't really like me back and it may have affected our friendship, and I really need his friendship, because he gives the best hugs in the world and I am really struggling with friends at the moment, I feel like I'm messing things up left, right and centre at the moment :(

*hugs Helen* what's up hun?

MammaMia 22-04-2009 10:08 AM

*cuddles Hannah*

He just needs to get over the shock maybe hun? Sometimes men don't expect that and still want to be friends but need to think? Oh I'm probably talking crap anyway.

I'm a bad person. Mm. Ruining uni even more. Don't deserve the help they're tying to give me. Deserve to die. Shouldn't have told anyone yesterday either. Feel so ugly. I am ugly. Bad girl. Mental health haven't got hold of me so far, not sure if they've rung me or not. I don't really want to go back there anyway. But I am when I have an appointment. I hate this. I hate me. Can't do anything right. Can't even make a simple revision meeting before my lecture. Yet I'm still going to be the lecture (or going to try anyway). I was supossed to be dead by now. Why am I not dead? Because I handed the rest of my pills over. I want them back. My head is pure banging again. My hayfever has started early and irrtating me. I wonder if that's why I'm having so many headaches. I espically get headaches when walking around in hot sun, because it makes my hair very hot obviously. Bad Helen. Been cutting. Bad bad bad Helen. *curls up really tight*

wildly insane 22-04-2009 10:55 AM

*cuddles Helen back* don't be so hard on yourself, Uni is hard and you do deserve their help, headaches are really ****, make sure you drink lots of water, cutting doesn't make you bad, it just means you're hurting more than you can deal with right now, and for risk of sounding patronising, I'm really proud of you for handing over the pills and for telling people, that took guts and strength and shows how brave you are and how you can fight this and beat this *more cuddles*

zowie 22-04-2009 12:13 PM

*Hugs Dayna, Hannah and Helen*

I need to smoke. Wish I had money.
Ah. I need to phone some places about jobs.

[Fog] 22-04-2009 04:56 PM

Dayna, I speak German so I get why you want to be called toedlich. Hope you're ok dear *Hugs*

Wildly Insane sorry to hear that, it's so scary when that happens. If he's a good friend though hopefully he'll just need a few days to get used to the idea and then things can get back to normal.

*Cuddles Helen* You are not bad at all sweetie. Don't be too hard on yourself. Well done for being so brave. You do deserve help because you're a wonderful person. Promise :-)

Zowie I know the feeling, I'm pretty much in a constant state of craving at the moment but I need to ration my tobacco. Hope you find a job soon.

*Bangs head on wall*

MammaMia 22-04-2009 05:33 PM

*cuddles Hannah* I really really don't deserve their help. Headaches are indeed really ****, least it's not my tension headaches or migraines I suposse. Been drinking lots of water today anyway yaaay =) I guess you're right about the cutting. I'm still not proud of handing over the pills and telling people. Regardless of the fact it took guts. I'm not brave though.

*hugs Arwen back*

MammaMia 22-04-2009 05:34 PM


Originally Posted by banana89 (Post 1570079)
*Cuddles Helen* You are not bad at all sweetie. Don't be too hard on yourself. Well done for being so brave. You do deserve help because you're a wonderful person. Promise :-)

*cuddles back* I am bad. I'm not being hard on myself? I'm not brave and I don't deserve help and I'm no a wonderful person.

~*Rainbow*~ 22-04-2009 06:12 PM


Originally Posted by MammaMia (Post 1570168)
*cuddles back* I am bad. I'm not being hard on myself? I'm not brave and I don't deserve help and I'm no a wonderful person.

Sorry Hells but its two against one here i agree with Bannana
you are NOTa Bad Person,
you DO deserve help,
you ARE Brave and
you ARE a Wonderfull Person!!!!

zowie 22-04-2009 06:15 PM

/\ Yeah :)

MammaMia 22-04-2009 09:06 PM

*screams in frusration*


[Fog] 22-04-2009 10:56 PM

Yup you're definitely outnumbered here Helen!

You are brave. I lie to my mum every day about the fact that I have a secret stash of tools and stuff which I use every night. I don't even have the guts to admit I have and use them, let alone hand them over.

I'm so angry today and I don't know why.

MammaMia 23-04-2009 12:44 AM

Dammit. lol.

*curls up*

Damnation. 23-04-2009 12:53 AM

Helen is lovely, full of win, amazing, awesome etc etc, so there! *Blows raspberry*

Banana: (Another Hannah? Sorry, my memory's dodgy, lol) Yeah, doing okay today thanks. Eclectic*a and me met up irl round her's, t'was awesome

Hannah: "Tödlich" is German for "deadly". I feel that I, as a person, have changed since I became rather...unstable back in December, when I first started posting here, that I'm a lot darker, more full of self loathing, and have been hurting myself a lot more, blah blah, all that ****. Basically, who I used to be (Däyna) is dead/dying, and when I'm feeling seriously low, I genuinely believe that I'll die by my own hand. Therefore, deadly. Tödlich. Thatandplusit'sinasongbyoneofmyfavouritebandsandis acoolword. But nah, it's more the "I've changed omg" reason <_<;

MammaMia 23-04-2009 02:19 AM

I love you guys, you're amazing to me. One day I'll agree with you????????

Damnation. 23-04-2009 03:07 AM

Certainly hope so *snuggles Helen*


Long*Past 23-04-2009 06:09 AM

I am sooo burnt out.
I've been running nonstop for the last few days after doing practically nothing for five days... ugh...

Sorry I haven't checked in for a little while there.

*hugs for everyone* sorry it isn't much...

MammaMia 23-04-2009 08:26 AM

& another Thursday begins, I usually like Thursdays except my normal notetaker isnt around, make one very boring crappy lecture seem worse lol

Kahlia1981 23-04-2009 09:00 AM

I'm checking in again - if I ever really check out.

I feel like sh*t. Have since yesterday. Failed an exam - I can redo the exam after the 26th but still .... Just feel like crap. Can't concentrate and think it's a reaction to the injections. Not looking good for the meds trail. Hope everything works out okay,

*hugs all*

wildly insane 23-04-2009 09:22 AM

*Hugs Kahlia* sorry to hear that hun, hopefully the meds will settle down and you can concentrate again and then next time you'll pass with flying colours.

*hugs Helen* hope your thursday goes well. What are you studying?

*hugs Ashley* hope you get some time to recover

*Hugs Dayna* I thought it meant deadly so I was nearly right :) Dayna will be back one day, better and stronger thanks to Todlich

*hugs HannahBanana* hope the anger's gone, you ok?

*hugs Arwen* how's quitting smoking going?

*hugs Gil* how's things going?

gotta dash am late, have an eye appointment, am going to get myself new glasses.

*hugs everyone else wanting/needing a hug*

zowie 23-04-2009 10:22 AM

Quitting smoking. Pah. I'm smoking loads and I'm not seeing any way out of it. I'm buying packs of ten here and there and it's pissing me off. I'm only buying them when I have scraped together enough money to, and it would be so much cheaper if I waited until I had enough cash to buy a pouch of baccy. But I get desperate and waste my money on 10 tailors which will be used up in a day.

~*Rainbow*~ 23-04-2009 01:42 PM

*hugs Widly*

yesterday to much stress and had a cig!! but only the one!!
Today is much better!! none so far today!!!

wildly insane 23-04-2009 08:34 PM

Hey cool, read that you got a job interview and it went okay, hope you get it :) *hugs*

*hugs Arwen* it's an addiction hun, it'll take time, apparently girls are better at giving up gradually rather than going cold turkey.

Damnation. 23-04-2009 08:38 PM


Originally Posted by wildly insane (Post 1571595)
*Hugs Dayna* I thought it meant deadly so I was nearly right :) Dayna will be back one day, better and stronger thanks to Todlich

Thas if she dun kill me <_<;. But yeah, let's hope so

*hugs all*

Damnation. 23-04-2009 09:16 PM


Daddy Long Legs just scared the **** out of me

MammaMia 23-04-2009 09:24 PM

*cuddles all*

Passed out twice tonight. :/

[Fog] 23-04-2009 10:42 PM

Sorry to hear that sweetie *Hugs*

Hugs to everyone xxxxx

MammaMia 23-04-2009 11:39 PM

Make that three times. Oh **** my peer mentor found out aboyt last week. ****

[Fog] 24-04-2009 12:00 AM

Maybe they can give you some support? Could be a good thing?

Hope you're feeling better now after passing out *Cuddles*

MammaMia 24-04-2009 12:07 AM

Doubt it. Already have some support in place and getting more soon. I don't feel better I feel worse. It's bringing on a headache & making me weaaak.

[Fog] 24-04-2009 12:09 AM

Glad you are getting more support. That's great :-)

I know how you feel. I feel like I'm getting 100 times worse every day. But it gets worse before it gets better... Right? Drink lots of water sweetie and hang on in there. Thinking of you xxx

Eclectica 24-04-2009 12:20 AM

Really despise myself right now.


MammaMia 24-04-2009 12:42 AM

She's ringing me tomorrow to dicuss things :( meh. Shouldn't have got her involved in the first place. But we'll see what happenes. *snuggles for you Sorry it's all I can give right now :(

Bambi 24-04-2009 09:18 AM

*hugs Everyone*
I thought I would just check in for a While if thats ok, Because Iam feeling so unsafe right now and Iam really scared of what I will do to myself.
Curls up under duvet.
Puts a large box of calorie free chocolates in the middle of the room. for everyone to share.

wildly insane 24-04-2009 10:57 AM

*hugs Bambi* if you ever want to talk, we're here to listen

*hugs Helen* you feeling any better today?

*hugs Hannah* hope you don't feel so bad today

*hugs Kat* hang in there :)

*hugs everyone else* hope you all have a good friday, I know it sometimes seems the toughest day for some of you so just offering some extra comforting hugs.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling today. am slightly concerned about this evening, could go either way, will I make 4 weeks or will I give in?

Long*Past 24-04-2009 11:14 AM

I've been sleeping sooo much the last couple days.
It's weird and out of pattern for me.
Usually I get between 3 and 6 hours of sleep a night and work just fine, but I've been sleeping 8 hours a night (like I'm supposed to) and I'm even more tired! It is the weirdest thing.
I had a meeting with my youth worker today. We talked about Brittany mostly, and a bit about Chase, and I wanted to tell her how suicidal I've been feeling, but I didn't have the courage.
I've got a lot of stuff coming up and I'm super stressed.
I've got my performance at Ladies Night on the 30th of April.
Then, starting off May, I have my Beltane ceremony to do (because I've been slacking).
Anything Goes starts on the 6th, running til the 10th.
Then I have the show case on the 11th.
The 17th is Mom's birthday.
Then I have provincials between the 24th and the 28th.
Then June's coming round the corner, and we're going to see Rent on the 20th.
Somewhere between May and June I have to start my grade 11 math (so that I have more than the two months of summer to finish it).
Plus I have to keep my grades up (and bring some of them up...)
And I have to finish my cover letter and get a job for this summer...


That's not even bringing in the factors like, my brother going to the mental hospital in 3 - 6 weeks, or the fact that Brittany is absorbing every extra ounce of energy I have, and I can't get the next chapter of my story written out because I have no material for the scene that I need to do.

I am losing my mind......

Kahlia1981 24-04-2009 02:34 PM

Firstly let me apologise for not giving individual replies ... too many posts ... not enough concentration.

Secondly : update on me : am going in for a CT scan of my brain on Monday as there may be bruising and have had one of my meds reduced to see if that helps with things. Feeling a little more confident up until tonight when my housemate was watching a tv show that talked about SA.

Other than that *hugs to all*

[Fog] 24-04-2009 07:55 PM

Big hugs to everyone, and relaxing cuddles for Ashley, sounds very stressful sweetie.

Just checking in to share my news: I got a diagnosis today from the psych... Apparently I am paranoid schizophrenic. Not sure how I feel about that but there we go.

Hope you are all ok xxx

Long*Past 25-04-2009 07:14 AM

Thanks Banana. (If you don't mind me asking, what is your name, so that I can attempt to remember it and call you by it.) *hugs* Hope YOU're okay, especially with your diagnosis. That's some heavy stuff.

Amanda and Courtney's birthday thing tomorrow...
I don't have anything for either of them.
I'll probably make them some lousy cards and give them $20 each because I don't think I'll have time to figure something out for them....
I feel really cheap for that... but I just have no idea what to get them or where I would get it even if I did.

I slept through the NDP thing today... feel kinda bad about it, 'cause I know that it means a lot to Gran.

But on the plus side, Riley helped me figure out my next story chapter! Yay! I will actually be able to continue now!!!!!!
Haha, I feel like such a loser for being so excited about fan fiction, but hey, I think I'm damn good at writing it so *shrug*.

Uhm... yea... I think I'mma go and write that chapter now, because I have nothing better to do with my life and I'm not sleeping right now anyway.

[Fog] 25-04-2009 11:51 AM

Hey Ashley

That's great news that you have got the next chapter :-D Enjoy writing it! Don't be too hard on yourself for missing things and stuff. You're doing well keeping up with everything. And to be honest I'd be pretty pleased with $20 hehe!

My name is Hannah. Hannah Banana... :-) Yeah it does seem a bit serious, I guess that's what's freaking me out about it. I had expected it, but then seeing people's reactions scared me a bit. Ah well. At least I know what's going on in my head now.

Hope everyone is ok xx

MammaMia 26-04-2009 12:56 AM

*curls up real tight*

Long*Past 26-04-2009 03:29 AM

:) That's a pretty name. Hanna. I like it.

Yea, well, they seemed to like the cards anyway, so that's good, because it took me forever to find the right quotes for them.

I can't imagine what it must be like to see the reactions you're getting from people, but self awareness is comfort in itself, I find. And now that you know what's going on you can find some coping mechanisms.

*offers cuddles to MammaMia* What's wrong?

Kahlia1981 26-04-2009 10:24 AM

*hugs Helen*
*waves at Hannah & Ashley* ~ don't let diagnosis scare you. I'm personally schizo-affective bipolar type which means I have both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It's just a label.

Steel Maiden 26-04-2009 04:23 PM

I'm moving out of my house and going into supported housing! =]

[Fog] 26-04-2009 10:41 PM

*Hugs to all* and thank you for the support about my diagnosis. Feeling more positive about it now, it's like I've got ammunition against myself if you see what I mean.

Hope you are all doing ok xxx

Eclectica 26-04-2009 11:18 PM

i dont think anyone believes me. they dont care. they say they do but they dont.

hes back and wont leave me alone. he wont go. hes draining me and tormeiting me and watching me all the time.

[Fog] 26-04-2009 11:21 PM

Sweetie sorry to hear that he's back. Is there anything you can do to fight him and keep him off you?


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