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Emo 07-04-2009 10:50 PM

not posted here for a while and i changed my name from purple Goddess to Serenity

how is everyone ?

wildly insane 07-04-2009 11:48 PM

Hiya Serenity, we have easter eggs galore, all sorts of goodies, a wide variety of teas and an expansive denial tent so welcome back :)

[Fog] 08-04-2009 12:15 AM

Rainbow, thanks for Monkey. We've been having a little chat and he's good at hugs :-D I'm doing ok today... I'm at home from uni for a while and none of my family know about my "issues"... I have younger brothers so I'm trying so hard to try and be normal for them. It's exhausting but I want to protect them. So I've kind of got into a routine of trying hard during the day and then SIing for a release at night. Guess it's not healthy but it's getting me through.

How is everyone? I don't really know anyone's names or stories and I don't fancy trawling through 844 pages!! Lots of hugs all round though and I hope everyone has had a good, if not then bearable, day.

*Sees the denial tent and clambers in with Monkey*

Emo 08-04-2009 12:21 AM

oh i will have a mug of coffee and a bit of chocolate
* sits down in a comfy chair *

MammaMia 08-04-2009 01:08 AM

I had a really highly emotional day,it's been very tough and made me even lower. Funeral was far too emotional. I'll NEVER forget the look on Vicki's face, it'll torture me forever. Migraine has gone thank gosh for that. Am struggling :'(

*cuddles all and crawls into denial tent*

[Fog] 08-04-2009 01:26 AM

*Holds Monkey so his head his stroking your arm*

Sounds like a really difficult day. Funerals are so difficult and emotional. Anything you can do to relax and calm yourself?

I'm not good with physical contact but seeing as this is virtual you can have a big hug :)

MammaMia 08-04-2009 02:34 AM

Awwww, Gil's (Rainbow) monkey is coming to stay with me soon, lucky buggar :P

It was a really difficult day and emotional. I don't know how to calm down, too much is going on and getting to me.

Yay thanks for the hug *gives one in return*

[Fog] 08-04-2009 02:36 AM

What do you normally do to wind down? What about watching tv, arty stuff, listening to music?

To be honest I get these things suggested to me every day and I never listen but still :-)

If you want to rant I'm here to listen xxx

MammaMia 08-04-2009 02:42 AM

Well I normally poke around online, listen to music, sometimes watch tv or read a book (I have so many books to get through, although it's now going well...) and then try sleep. Doesn't always work or doesn't always happen like that :(

Bless you hun, I'm always offering people advice and then don't always take it myself when I really need to. Like I tell people they always need to look after number 1- themself and I don't do a good job of that with me :/

Thanks hun, I do apperciate it. It's just someone thought she was going to have something she didn't want and if she was right in what she was going to have, I would have died there and then. But it's okay, because that problem isn't going to happen (don't know if that makes any sense?) Then someone has fell out with me for pathetic reasons it would seem, and I tried to sort things out bu no reponse. Meh. Their loss yeah? I really really miss my ex boyfriend, I shouldn't have broken up with him but at the same time I still should have..GRRR!!! :/

[Fog] 08-04-2009 02:47 AM

Yeah I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. I never take my own advice... so much easier when it's someone else!

Sorry to hear about everything that's going on for you, all sounds really difficult. Not really sure what you mean with the first thing, but glad that the problem isn't going to happen in any case. And the someone who has fallen out with you is getting sent some bad vibes right now. Of course it's their loss :) Do you think it will get better? And big hugs about your ex. It's so difficult sometimes when you're still not quite sure about the decision. How recently did you break up?


MammaMia 08-04-2009 02:52 AM

So am I honey, but it's for their own good usually...

It is really difficult, because there's some stuff bothering that only a VERY small number know, because for once, it's not something I'm able to be open about. I bet they are getting sent bad vibes indeed. It's just werid how everything's fallen apart and I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. But as we've said, their loss. Thanks, it is very difficult, and it was difficult enough when I was questionning the relationship. We broke up about a week & a half ago. Still feels like yesterday. He hurt me badly all of last week. I'm losing everyone slowly and I don't like it.

I think my Mum knows something is seriously up. Okay, she knows it is, because she saw a cut. It's sorta cute, she keeps telling me she loves me and giving me longer hugs than usual etc. I seriously need to tell her stuff. I'm going to miss her SO much when I move out in a few months time. Maybe I shouldn't go?? Decisions decisions decisions.

My head hurts again :(

Sorry for my major whining...

[Fog] 08-04-2009 03:06 AM

Lol don't worry, normally I'm the one whining on this site :) So whine all you like!

Sounds like a horrible situation for you. I had a similar thing this year, my best friend and housemate went all weird with me and now doesn't speak to me, it's been really terrible, and I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what it is that I've done wrong. It's not nice. Really sorry to hear about your ex. It's really hard when people go out of your life. Obviously I don't know any details but hopefully it was the right decision and you're just missing having a someone if you see what I mean.

Urgh yeah I'm in exactly the same situation. My mum knows me really well and I'm pretty sure she knows somethings wrong. She hasn't seen any of my scars but well mum's tend to pick things up I suppose. I really want to tell her and have some support but I'm scared. I don't wanna worry her, plus I'm not great at being articulate and I don't want to mess it up. Do you want to tell yours? That's really sweet how she's being! Shows she'd probably be really nice about it if you told her :) Are you moving out for uni or something? I have my year abroad starting in 3 months and I'm so scared about being away from my family.


MammaMia 08-04-2009 03:20 AM

Thank you. I whine far too much. I'm glad I have my rant/venting thread. Just released some emotions in there, is helping really.

It is a horrible situation, because of other factors too and my ex boyfriend is a huge factor in this unfortnately. I'm sorry your best friend and housemate doesn't talk to you anymore or anything. I know how you feel about it being so terrible, espically when you haven't done anything wrong as far as you can see. It is hard, and what makes it worse, is that he was the FIRST boyfriend, who, compared to the other three, actually gave a proper **** about me and didn't want to hurt me or abuse me. I hope it's the right decision, and even if we did make another go of it, I think it couldn't happen until I get pass this needing to severly desctruct/die situation. I miss having a partner so much.

I'm sorry you're in the same situation. Mum do pick up things really well even when we don't realise. Apprantly she can often tell I've had a bad day even when I've said to her I've had an okay day. Maybe speak to her and ask for support. It's what there are there for. But I know how hard it is. Maybe write her a letter? She will worry, but that's her job and she obviously cares for you. I'm sure you won't mess it up honey. My mum knows I self harm. But I'm trying to convince her I'm 10 months free and these cuts don't mean I stop counting. But we've not really dicussed it. Oh well, maybe I should talk to her. But I really want to tell her about everything, because I know she'd be glad I told her. But at the same time, there would be so many things that would hurt her for a long time because I kept it in for so long. Also I'm scared she wouldn't believe me. I am moving out for uni halls indeed. I am in my first year already but had to stay at home, because I was nowhere near ready to cope with everything. But now I know how to do things more, I should be okay with moving in September, if they let me in of course!!!! I can imagine you're scared, but we can be scared and excited together??? Where are you gong?? xxx

[Fog] 08-04-2009 03:30 AM

Yeah I love my ranting thread, I read it back and sound like a total psycho but it really helps to just offload somewhere.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and your ex. It all sounds really painful for you. I hope things get better for you. When me and my ex broke up the hardest thing was getting used to not being half of a unit. I've been with my current bf for over 3 years and he's lovely, but I feel so bad for being such a f**k up... It's not fair on him really.

Good advice about the mum situation. I really do want to tell her, I'm just so worried about it. I think a letter is a really good idea because that way I don't have to panic about getting all my words jumbled. Think I might give her a letter but sit with her when she's there or something. Urgh it's just so hard, I don't want to ruin things. It's being going on for a long time and I should have told her ages ago.

Are you still cutting now then? It might help you to talk things through with your mum. Always good to have some support from someone close to you :) We really need to take our own advice hehe! Yeah I found it hard last year, I'm in 2nd year now but everything gets so overwhelming for me sometimes. It's nice having the safety of my parents house but then I like the independence of my uni house... Yep scared and excited together sounds good hehe!! I'm going to Frankfurt at the end of June, luckily my boyfriend's coming too so that's a big relief, but I've got a job there and I'm scared it's going to be too much for me. And then in February I'm going to Spain :D All sounds great in theory...!! xx

Long*Past 08-04-2009 03:55 AM

eh... I'm "okay" today even though I totally didn't cry in the car on the way home tonight, because my Mom is totally not disappointed in me, yet again, and the girl I'm falling in love with totally isn't oblivious and completely has the same feelings for me....

And I'm definitely not hanging in the denial tent.... ^_^

MammaMia 08-04-2009 03:57 AM

I love mine too. It's full of letters, songs, rants etc. I must sound mad at times. But it helps, really really helps.

It is very painful right now. I just wish I knew what I did so wrong? I'm sure things will eventually get better maybe. If they ever will? I know how you feel. When me and my first boyfriend (who ironically abused me the worse, but I'd repressed it by then..) split, it was really horrible and werid to be so aone even though we'd split loads before. We'd been together nearly two years, but I know where you're coming from.

I thought it was good advice, even if I do say so myself. I know you're so worried about it, as am I, that's what's holding me back. But I should just get it all out already and then it's done. They do say, the longer you leave it, the harder it is (usually used in the context of apologising though). Indeed you won't have that panic, though it'll be scary watching her read it. But you'll be glad at the end you did. I know it's so hard hun, but when you do do it, be gentle on yourself :) You won't ruin things I'm sure.

Well I'm not cutting like I was. So the cutting at the moment are just slips really. So that's why I'm still counting. Don't deserve to really. I need to figure it out for myself I suposse. I'm sure it may help to talk things through or something with my mum. It sure is always good to have some support from someone clsoe to me. Although it's hard, we really do need to take our own advice!!! Wow, I've found it seriously hard this year, hence the major failing :( Everything gets so overwhelming for me too sometimes. I think everyone goes through that, but with different varying levels of problems and stuff. What do you reckon? Maybe I'm talking crap since it's almost 4am!!! I bet it's good to have the safety of parents home (though it's only my mum there in my case) but also having your own independance. Yay, I think we could be a great support to each other. Awww I'm glad your boyfriend is coming with you, it'll help and oyu get to share the expirences together, nothing can beat that!!!! Good luck with it all, I'm sure you'll have an amazing exprience with some good days & some bad days (everyone has those, that's for sure!!!)...

[Fog] 08-04-2009 04:13 AM

Ah just had a little rant in mine.

I'm a little confused at myself right now. I'm in the middle of a big SI session, but my brain's still working pretty rationally and I'm still online typing away. I really don't get me. Think I'm gonna stop in a minute anyway. Running out of room for one thing. How pathetic lol.

I'm sure things will get better. It's just so hard to see that at the time. That's what I keep reminding myself anyway! But definitely after the split with my ex it was a really difficult time trying to work out how to be one person not two. But I got there :) How long were you with your ex?

Haha well if it's good advice then you can take it too :P Sigh, you are so right. Grr! I definitely need to tell her. Things are so out of control in my head. Normally at uni I have my boyfriend and my best mate who both know, but where I am now no one knows and I could really do with some support. It's just that horrible first moment. It's been a while since things have been awkward/ bad with my parents and I'm not looking forward to going back to being the problem child. I know I'll be glad when I do it. I just kind of wish I could fast forward the actual telling her lol.

That's good that you're not cutting as much. So I say still keep counting :D Better to treat the slips as just that and not as going backwards if you see what I mean. I'm terrible with that, I messed up the beginning of this year and since then my cutting's increased really badly. If only my mind would listen to the rational part of me...

Yeah definitely, I've found this year really hard. I've been lucky in that so far my course hasn't really demanded too much of me, and this semester I had to tell a few of my tutors an edited version of what was going on. But the last few months I've been finding it impossible to concentrate. It's just like... I used to have panic attacks all the time about money and stuff. And at the moment I just feel so overwhelmed that I just don't care. I don't have the energy to deal with anything. So at the moment I have an unbelievable amount of essays etc to do, I need to find somewhere to live in Germany, I need to sort out the mess that is my finances... But I just can't get myself to. So frustrating. But yeah basically the point of that long paragraph was yes I think everyone finds it overwhelming at times!

Yeah it's nice being back at home. Like I said it kind of makes me feel unsafe that no one here knows all of the crap. But it's good having to be normal for my brothers, it's nice having food provided for me cos normally I don't bother with food lol.

Right I've definitely finished with the SI and I'm exhausted now so I'm gonna try and get some sleep...

It's been really lovely talking to you, will message you again tomorrow :) Hope you get some sleep soon and try not to dwell on things too much. Lots of hugs xxx

[Fog] 08-04-2009 04:13 AM

Woah that was waaaay longer than I intended, I was still in Rant/ Vent mode!! Sorry!!!

Long*Past 08-04-2009 05:01 AM

*offers hugs to Banana*

[Fog] 08-04-2009 12:50 PM

*Hugs back* That post was way longer than I thought it was lol oops!!

How is everyone today?

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 12:53 PM

*hugs To Everyone*

DOnt worry about ranting cause theyre will be ba big rant of mine on soon!!

Hells can you txt me when you are on msn!!! need someone to talk to!

*runs and hides in a corner*

[Fog] 08-04-2009 12:58 PM

Rant away :) What's up sweetie?


Jetforce 08-04-2009 01:50 PM


I agree..rant away

We r here to listen to u anytime! :-)

tc xx

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 03:10 PM

Where to start

My So Called friends up here have been phoning my other half telling him im cheating on him at every occasion i get!! Which is not true i wouldnt do anthing like that now he has to think to see if our relationship is worht the hard work as according to him relationships are ment to be easy not hard work!! but i just know im going to lose him if i lose him i will not survive anymore i am only free from SI because of him he is the one that keeps me going. But my so called Friends dont want to have me being happy they want me back to the depressed litttle girl with no stregnth and no happiness that they can push around and make a fool off - becasue the way i am now i wont let anyone push me arround and i dont take anything of anyone!!! I swear im going to kill them all!! If they make me lose the one thing that makes my life worth living then i will kill them!! Then i will go back to Birmingham and make him realsie that no motter what they say i will alwyas love him and make him realise that i have cut EVRYONE out of my life just for him!!! Im not even going out this friday/saturday night even though its a bassline night im staying in!!! in gonna sit at home and read a book becuase thats what good geeky girls do they dont go out and if i dont go out then no one can make up lies about me and tell them to HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why do i do this to may self why do i bother fighting for something that i know is gonna go away!! i cant lose him i really cant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My physio cleared me the other day from my Two Torn Achillies Tendon injuries which means i can play football on saturday just to find out i have a acromioclavicular injury in my shoulder (The acromioclavicular joint, or AC joint, is a joint at the top of the shoulder. It is the junction between the acromion (part of the scapula that forms the highest point of the shoulder) and the clavicle.) taken from WIKI so i cant play football on sat!!!!


*goes back into her little corner*

MammaMia 08-04-2009 03:21 PM

They are seriously selfish twats. He cannot believe them. He has no ****ing reason to and he can't dump you for something you haven't even done. But some guys do anyway. Gosh you seriously need to be here, where you have nicer people in yor life...LIKE ME!!

[Fog] 08-04-2009 05:22 PM

*Gets up from her corner in the denial tent in outrage*

They sound like total knobs. That just makes me so angry for you! Hope he does the right thing and recognises what they say as being total crap.

Sorry to hear about your injuries. I've had chronic pain for the last three and a half years and I know how frustrating and horrible it is. Anything they can do for your shoulder and/ or any pain relief?

*Sits back down and sends lots of bad vibes*

MammaMia 08-04-2009 05:45 PM

*gives gentle cuddles to everyone*

zowie 08-04-2009 06:47 PM

I've been smoking a lot in the past week.
I thought I'd quit.
Seems not >.<

Gah. I haven't got anything to say. Would love to reply to people but I'm really spaced out at the moment.

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 07:15 PM

He needs to think about things i know i have lost him there is nothing i can do!!!!!!

*runs away to a place where no one can find her*

wildly insane 08-04-2009 09:39 PM

*hugs Gil* I'm so sorry that your so called friends have done that to you and I can't even believe that he's thinking about it. I hope you've told him the truth, and if he doesn't believe you then he's as much in the wrong as they are but I'm sure that doesn't help right now *hugs again* I hope it's all okay x

~*Rainbow*~ 08-04-2009 09:42 PM

Thanks widly *hugs back* Im sure it will all be okay!! I've told him the truth and he just need to spend a couple of days thinking about it! which means he has a long weekend in which he is going out drinking so i wont hear from him at all :'(

Damnation. 08-04-2009 11:04 PM


Would it be cliched of me to say that my heart hurts?

MammaMia 08-04-2009 11:28 PM

No Dayna, mine ****ing hurts too right now *cuddles*

Damnation. 08-04-2009 11:49 PM

>__< *cuddles back*

[Fog] 09-04-2009 12:10 AM

Big hugs all round xx

Tears of Solitude 09-04-2009 12:11 AM

Big hugs go to

Dayna Sooooooo sorry you have heart ache

Zowie Hope your ok

Helen Sorry honey that your heart hurts, I hope its better soon

Gil Hope things turn out alright

Banana Big hugs xxx

Hannah I hope you are ok, and thanks for always thinking of me

Feeling like each day I try harder and each day I fail more. xxx

Love Jade xxx

Eclectica 09-04-2009 12:45 AM

Never felt... so horrible in a while. I guess the new meds have been helping after all. I want to SH, but I also don't.

What a good day has turned into a really horrible one. Thanks.

He thinks I'm a heartless cow. I'm not. It isn't my fault is said person cannot read and get it into their head. Urgh. Horrible horrible horrible.

[Fog] 09-04-2009 12:50 AM

Jade sorry to hear you're finding things a struggle at the moment. Hope they get better for you. Anyone/ anywhere you can go for extra support?

Eclectica I'm sure you're not a heartless cow!!! I've brought some things with me today. You can borrow either a load of empty coke cans to chuck around and make some noise or a blanket to curl up and hide in depending on how you feel :-) xxx

Eclectica 09-04-2009 12:56 AM

Apparently I am. Because I won't talk on the phone and because I broke up with him due to the fact I prefer him as a friend and I just don't want a relationship. I just don't know how hard that is to undewrstand, when I've said it over and over and over and OVER.

I'll take the blanket... please... I'm tired too and feeling horrible.

People have been saying it's not right for me to feel so bad because of the things he's saying. But I do care. So I can;t help but feel bad. And he still thinks I'm a heartless cow... GRRR.

Two voices were discussing it on my way home on the bus, but I couldn't hear it well. But someone was trying to shout at me about this >_<

[Fog] 09-04-2009 01:02 AM

*Hands over the blanket and a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows*

I don't think that makes you a heartless cow sweetie. Obviously I don't know anything about it but sounds more like he's upset and just saying things. It's hard not to take that kind of thing to heart but try not to let it get to you. *Cuddles* Were the voices just on the bus?


Eclectica 09-04-2009 01:08 AM

I can be heartless... if needed... but not to him. Iiiick. I know for a fatc he's upset, and that's hurt me lots. But GRRR. *jback* Yea, just on there today, luckily. Only seems to happen when I'm alone and my mind starts to work and think. It's not a problem as such, but I know it's not normal, lol.

*Curls up in blanket* Fankooo ^_^

[Fog] 09-04-2009 01:12 AM

I guess we can all be heartless at times. Hope things get better with him. Do you think you'll be able to talk it over properly or you just trying to move on? Yeah I get voices too when I'm alone and my head's going mad, sometimes it's frightening but there's a kind of comfort in it too. I mentioned something about a voice yesterday in conversation and suddenly realised it's not normal lol!!

Eclectica 09-04-2009 01:16 AM

I have spoken to him over and over when he's asked, and my answer has stayed the same. So I dunno... We have talked it over properly D:

[Fog] 09-04-2009 01:19 AM

That's a difficult one then. These things are so painful. How do you feel about him?

Eclectica 09-04-2009 01:27 AM

I see him as a realy good friend... Which, for him, doesn't seem to be enough. So bleh.

Going to bed now, really tired. Thanks for the talk.

Take care everyone.

[Fog] 09-04-2009 01:30 AM

Night night, hope you wake up with a smile xxx

MammaMia 09-04-2009 02:30 AM

*rocks back and forth* Meh.

[Fog] 09-04-2009 02:32 AM

Eclectica's got my blanket, but you could have a hot chocolate with marshmallows if you would like?

What's up dear?

MammaMia 09-04-2009 02:44 AM

Oh yes please, but marhsmellos seperate :)

I need a good cry. Still not happening. :(

[Fog] 09-04-2009 02:48 AM

*Hands over a hot chocolate and a separate bowl of marshmallows* And you can borrow my lighter if you want them melted hehe :D

Urgh I hate it when I feel like that. My ADs seem to have stopped me from crying. I haven't cried for like 3 months and I really miss it. So hope your tears do come so you can let it all out *cuddles*

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